Thursday, May 31, 2012

up sticks

I am at a strange cross roads in my life. I have just kinda ended up here through a series of odd events
I am single, nearly 30, coping really well with my depression (better than I have been for a long time) and thinking it is time to move on, (location wise that is)
It come to me from a strange text sent to me by mother. But why am I here? Why do I feel trapped by my location. I shouldn't. There is no reason I shouldn't move to where ever the hell I want to go to.
So my next question is where do I go to?
Well New York was my first idea, but it gets super cold there in winter and I don't wanna be could. I then thought Reading, to be closer to work, but why, if I am going to make this change, would I not change jobs also.
Along the coast? New Quay, Brighton, Bournemouth maybe.
London? North London to be exact.
I am undecided but it is time to do the things I wanted to do all this time. the shit excuses about Abi and friends and all that stopping me from getting out of Swindon really don't cut it anymore.
A lot of research needs to be done and jobs need to be applied for. I don't think I am going to pick a destination, I am going to pick many and then go to the one that looks the most fun.

Seb Rock part 4

So I am still running the Seb Rock campaign. I'm not giving in. Until he removes the name plate or I win the lottery and leave.

I give to you part 4.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Ooooh artistic

I am not an artist. I don't claim to be an artist. I do however draw ridiculous pictures. If you want one let me know cos I will draw you one
Darn those tiny arms
This is Rikochet he is my imaginary miniature pinscher
this is also ricochet  hoping that havoc is booked
My next 13 tattoo
Its because I lied when I was 17
I do miss hugs
Emo as a mother hubbard
I cry a lot lately
Kitten cat
A sunday afternoon
This is how the Dunnes stand
Kitten socks
this is Deano Peppers in real life
Abigail as Ariel
Mexican wrestler dude ready to kick your ass

Sunday, May 27, 2012

No hope, no harm

I fell in love again. That was my mistake. To think that I could pull it off. I can't. I am no good at relationships. I think I am destined to have loads of cats and a house that smells of wee.

For the last week I have been waking up feeling sad and hopeless. I've been trying to ignore it. The weather has been lush. I've spent time with my boys whom I love. I got a tattoo (you know, standard behaviour). These are the things that make me happy. Not even the fun of the rubicon mango advert has been able to lift me out of my funk.

At the back of my head has been a feeling of 'you fucked it up again dougal'. That feeling of dread of losing grip and having no control over it.

Once again I ended up in tears at my desk. I cried my heart out. I don't know if it was rightly or wrongly but I cried. Now I know it was rightly. That I'm a failure in all matters of the heart. I just wish I had been told. Not just had to assume the worst and beg for the truth.

It was fate for me to meet him and fall in love I know that. Cos now I know there are others out there. And I kinda always knew it was fate for me to end up crying on my own cos it didn't work out.

The funny thing is that yes, I have been feeling awful these past few days. And today I did feel like I couldn't breathe but I am such a pro at getting dumped now that I know I am gonna be fine soon enough. I will get the city and colour and the smiths phase out of my system sooner rather than later.

I have recruited a new wingman this morning. I do hope he is good at it. He owes me due to the effort I put into his twitter campaign. Just waiting for the big-gay-night-out. I'll report back on how he gets on as my helper.

Would say I love you all but it would lead to bad things. Peace out soul sisters (and brothers)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Seb Rock part 3

Seb Rock is so important (apparently) he has a nameplate in his desk.
I have taken to tampering with it.

This is my latest effort. I shall keep putting new ones up every time he takes it down so get your ideas in.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Panic attacks

No reason other than I liked it
Panic attacks can be a very scary experience. I wouldn't recommend them to a friend
They irritate the shit out of me and there is nothing I can do to make them stop. I have tried believe me.

It's an irrational state of fear, despair and dread that often ends up in tears.

There is no route cause I can find to why they happen. I will be happy as Larry (Larry is notoriusly happy) on mean and the next I am freaking out like  Quagmire(C-3PO): "Just tell me right now that I don't have to stay in this room."

The often come at inconvienient moments. I will end up at my desk in tears or be at home on my own and only really want to talk to one person in the world but not feel confident enough that they would want to speak to me so not ring them.

They are very hard to describe it feels as if you are going to die. Your haert is pounding so much and it becomes hard to breathe. 
I have learnt more and more to just relax and breathe but you can get stuck in a loop where you worry about the attack which causes anxiety and therefore exasperating or casusing an attack.

Panic attacks are different to anxiety and are thought to occur more often in people with above average intelligence (so get you if you suffer maybe you can join mensa)
Anxiety is that butterflies in the stomach feeling, feeling like you want to run away, its worry basically. And who wants to worry? no one, cos it is rubbish.

Think I need an Alice tattoo
The most common (because its easiest) thing to do is to avoid the thing that is causing the anxiety. This is easy enough but it is not going to solve the problem in the long term. You need to face up to the things that worry you and find a way of dealing with them. And if they are out of your hands, so be it, let them go. Easier said than done I can assure you. I wish I could let things go. I wish I could just not worry and panic and cry.

I give myself all sorts of useful advice. I then take it upon myself to ignore my very good ideas. My most recent good idea to ignore was to fall in love. It's never a good idea to be in love when you are insecure with yourself. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I don't deserve it. And believing compliments is tough. Why would anyone love me why would they say nice things about me. I sound all a bit doom and gloom and woe is me but its not the case. I am feeling happy in my life recently. But there is always the fear "you're gonna walk away too" retrouvailles.

I have managed to follow one bit of my own advice. I am on day 146 of being straight edge. Still not having problems with it.

I am having problems with the fact that summer has just started though. Summer brings moths. I hate moths. They are the ghosts of butterflies here to haunt me and my lamp. I also hate butterflies, flappy devils.
If you have any advice for me let me know, leave a comment or send me a tweet @DougalMcT


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Seb Rock part 2

Seb Rock is so important (apparently) he has a nameplate in his desk.
I have taken to tampering with it.

This is my latest effort. I shall keep putting new ones up every time he takes it down so get your ideas in.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Even more reasons to #BookHavoc

reasons 21-30 of: why @ThisIs_Progress should book @JimmyHavoc #BookHavoc

#21 He will make the coffee every morning—and bring us a cup when we wake up.

#22 He mind seeing chick flicks so will take all the ladies in the audience on a group date after (see also #DateHavoc)

#23 He'll clean up the mess he will inevitably make

#24 He has been checked and he is not contagious so we can't catch it.

#25 studies have shown watching suicidal, suicidal, suicidal wrestler boosts your immune system and releases endorphins and serotonin.

#26 As with quitting smoking, booking Havoc reduces your chance of heart attack or stroke

#27 The over use of profanity is a certainty. And everyone likes a good swear don't they.

#28 If Progress don't #BookHavoc they should feel very guilty and we will therefore be guilty by association. Progress should spare us the guilt.

#29 He will un-friend us all on Faceyb if he is not booked

#30 I have put a lot of effort making these up. I wouldn't want all this effort to go to waste.

Did you know: Ten Good Reasons is the debut byn Jason Donovan? That makes me better than him as I have got to 30.

Reasons 1-10
Reasons 11-20

Seb Rock part 1

Seb rock is so important (apparently) he has a nameplate in his desk.
I have taken to tampering with it.

So far I have had:
Seb Rock S
Seb Rock N Roll
Seb Rock The Casbah

This is my latest effort. I shall keep putting new ones up every time he takes it down so get your ideas in.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Tattoo plans - comments more than welcome

I believe faceyb to be the hopeless place that Rihanna and her beau fell in love in.
It is a desolate wasteland of sorrow, spite and conceit.
It's a terrible place where meaning is lost and arguments escalate.

So lets talk about something more cheery. Tattoos.
I have plans. Firstly Friday the 13th is coming up soon. I have a lovely 13 booked in with Scott Owens again. Scott is such a lovely tattooerist and a great friend to whine at. He also whines back which takes away some of the guilt associated with being whiny. I am also getting some more work done by him on the bottom of my right arm.
My left arm is going to be started soon by Leah Moule. Her work is beyond amazing. I love it. It is going to be done as one brightly coloured piece and I cannot wait.
I have a pin up girl planned for my right thigh. This was more Abis idea than mine but she pitched it to me so well I couldn't say no. I don't really have an artist in mind for this yet so if you have any suggestions do let me know. I haven't decided what style either, probably comic-booky but I am open to ideas.
My left leg of bent things needs more work so if you have any idiotic ideas of things that you would like to see let me know. I suggested someone get rainbow brite or a tamarin playing the fiddle the other day. Now I thinking they are not bad ideas and maybe I want them for myself. I still want a t-rex wearing a top hat. I think I might ask Sam Ricketts to do this for me as I am sure he has done a dinosaur that I liked before.
Another artist that I would like to get a piece from is Amy Savage. She is such an amazing talent. Also, I saw a little lighthouse that Andy Tragic did and fell in love with it. I really want one so I am going to give him a shout soon.
I want to get some more work from Shaun Bonanas. Not decided what yet but probably something nautical. Maybe the ships wheel and resurgent banner that will be for papa Telling.
Last but by no means least I really want to get a chess piece, a Bishop to be exact. I want this to look really realistic so again I am open for suggestions and not adverse to travelling around to see an awesome artist.
So as you see I have a lot of saving to do.
Lots more love and less careless whispers people.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem

I think very little of myself. I act like this big-headed prick. All confident and what have you. The truth is I would rather hide in a skip than have a deep and meaningful conversation. I don't feel my opinion is valid, which is one of the reasons I write so much. I can hide behind the internet.
To have self-esteem is a good thing. It's not conceited or narcissistic to think highly of yourself as long as you acknowledge your virtues and your faults. The opposite of self-esteem is self-rejection, a characteristic of depression.

If you read Mourning and Melancholia by Sigmund Freud you will find the depressive has suffered 'an extraordinary diminution in his self-regard, an impoverishment of his ego on a grand scale....He has lost his self-respect. I can't imagine you will read this so I will paraphrase: it explains how depression, anxiety, sleeplessness and the whole shebang come together to create low self-esteem.

I was talking to a lovely friend about it this evening. I feel I live in a perpetual state of: Meet someone, Fall in love, Get dumped, Cry, Repeat as necesssary. This isn't entirely true, I have done a lot of dumping myself but I am insecure that at any moment I am about to get binned off. Not just by #blueeyes but by friends too.

Don't feel sorry for me. It is just another part of my illness that I shall deal with. Just take it in to account that when you get a "i don't mind" or a sarcastic comment as a reply that there might be more of a reason than just me being awkward.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Not sleeping makes me cry

Edited as when I first wrote this it was poorly spelt a bit whiny.

Firstly a word. I named my blog: the things I think. Because it is exactly that. The things I think. It's not called I'm right you're wrong.
Some people find my work offensive. I can understand that. I don't hold traditional views on a lot of things. I'm not trying to preach to anyone with the things I say just trying to share the insight of a girl with mental health issues. If you have been at any time in the past or are at any time in the future I apologise. I will not take back what I said unless you can give me a compelling arguement to do so. It's not my intention to offend. If I wanted to do that I would call you all cunts and be constantly looking for opportunities to be on balconies above you so I could spit on you.

I'm not a crier in general. It's a bit rubbish when your eyes leak everywhere and ruins the make-up that took five minutes to apply and will inevitably rub off anyway.
When I am awake like I am now, counting down the hours till I have I get up I feel nothing but frustrated. I just want to sleep. I don't care about the things my mind throws at me. I don't know why my body becomes unable to regulate its own temperature. Too cold then too hot and if i get out of bed to walk on the cold floor the bottoms will literally feel on fire when I get back in bed.

Sometimes I will get as little as 3 hours sleep. I sit at work like a zombie just hoping for the day to end as quick as possible. I can't remember a darn thing. I'm just a bit of a useless mess.

I have so many ideas when I am trying to get to sleep. I tend to not remember them come the morning. I am like a stoner without the fun of the giggles or the snack time of the munchies. Maybe I should start writing them down, but I think that would keep me awake longer and mayber reveal the stream of consciousness of a mad-woman.

In a purely selfish way I am glad there are others out there in the same position as me. Wondering the house at 2am angry that they need to be up in 4 hours. If that's you give me a text or a tweet we can sob at each other.

ZZZ is onomatopoeia for snoring but more likely an implication of sleep

They say

They say never meet someone you admire (note I did not say hero)
Who the fuck are they anyway? And why do they always have an opinion? And why do they always share it? Oi, they, why I oughta.... Shaky fist at you, they!

They also say you are what you eat. Well currently I am a chewy vimto bar.
They say she's in the class A team.

Well they need to shut up. They are so very opinionated and boring.

I met someone I admired. That someone is beautiful and knowledgable. This someone makes me happy. I love every minute we are together and I love this someone.

You can't put a finger on why you love someone. You just do.
And I still admire this someone.

Golly, they talk a lot don't they?

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Why I love twitter (Stacey is a knob)

The Stacey is a knob bit is an ode to one of the coolest people I know. Let us spend more time together and be mean girls.

Twitter is just super. I didn't join till 25 October 2010 which makes me a late starter. That is 562 days from the time of writing this. I have done 11088 tweets so that's around 19.7 tweets per day.

Facts and figures out the way twitter is great. It puts you in touch with like minded people who ordinarily you wouldn't get a chance to speak with. It's a place to speak your mind without fear of a verbal gang raping, as the people who follow have chosen to follow you for a reason, that being they are interested in what you have to say and have similar points of view.

I have 'Internet met' some people who have been so kind to me. People who have seemed genuinely concerned about my well being. Sending me lovely little DMs when I am having a down day and letting it out in spite filled tweets.

On twitter you don't see any of the faceyb 'look at me' because you just don't follow them people. Faceyb makes it awkward, even socially unacceptable to not accept a friend request from someone you kinda know. On twitter there are a lot of these acquaintances and I choose not to follow them as what they are saying is not really of interest to me. That's not to say it isn't interesting so let's not jump on that bandwagon, it's just not for me.

Those of you know me well enough will know I met the sexiest man in the whole entire universe ever via twitter. He is now all mine which is a uber yay. Please if you know who #blueeyes is don't reveal it cos that would make you not just a bellend but a colossal bellend.

Twitter is usually quicker than most news agencies to report on current affairs. And no matter where in the world news is being reported you can put money on it people will live tweet from the scene and probably have more facts than the media, sorry Reuters.

I'm going to carry on tweeting which sometimes just feels like talking into the air but, like tattooing, I think it's good for the soul. Getting them things off your chest.

So a favourite of mine repeated from a rant I had earlier this year called "why I hate Facebook"



Monday, May 7, 2012

The spirit of the staircase

Esprit de l’escalier is a French phrase that literally translates as “The spirit of the staircase”.
It's not about pipes from ghostwatch, Caspar or Patrick Swayze. It refers to all the things you realise you should have said after a conversation has ended. You know those things that keep you awake at night or come to you when you are telling someone else about the argument. Those things that make you say gosh, darn and bother that would have made you a hero in the eyes of your peers if only you had thought of them at the time.

Ghosts though are cool as a the generic cool thing you like. If they exist that is. I love watching all them lame tv programs about the 'paranormal'. Most haunted and ghost hunting and all that crap. And the live specials they do on living on Halloween or some other especially haunted night are amazing. I will sit up till early o'clock watching them. The only thing that ever happens is some light stone throwing that is never caught on camera some coincidental tapping that is barely audible but they swear it's really loud when they are there.
Oh and then there is orbs. Am I the only one who thinks these fantastical orbs are not in fact ghosts but are dust catching the light.

Can't remember my exact point. I'm not well and I think my stupidly high temperature and headache has made me a little delirious.

I wonder if there is Esprit de l’escalier for things I should have written.

Sunday, May 6, 2012


First a confession or two. My last post caused a furore. Some of which may have seen and some of which was text to me or said in phone calls and will therefore remain private. My intention was not to offend, more to shed light on how I feel. And that is 'having a child is not an achievement, its how you raise the child that matters'. There was nothing personal in the words I wrote except that note at the end about rocking heels. That was a nod to the person I discussed heels with the day before, I thought it was quite a sweet way of noting what she had been through.

The point in what I am writing is not to apologise but to acknowledge people think differently. What does not seem offensive to me and what doesn't offend many of my readers may cause real upset to others. This situation could have been handled better by all those involved and I hope we would all admit that.

A lot can happen if people don't just talk to each other. The internet is a faceless place where arguements escalate quickly. I will carry on writing exactly how I see things and posting them on my blog. Some of the things may not be to your liking and that is cool. Lets talk about it.
Please don't try to second guess who was involved in the below. I won't tell you. And if you know it is up to you whether you share that info.

The outcome of the heated discussions was that I did edit my blog to add in the lines:  "I don't see kids as an achievement. Raising and awesome kid that is the next Einstein maybe but just having a kid is not. Do you see my point? There is a difference!" Just to try and reiterate my point. This has all been sorted now I believe and it feels like it cleared the air between me and 3 of my friends who lives I have been somewhat absent in as they have been in mine.

To sum up I guess the point in this is to say offence will happen, I am sure I will offend people again. Maybe not the same people though. But its how you deal with the fallout that matters.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

How to be a good mum

I am a mum. I have been doing ok at it for 8 and a half years now. The kid is still alive for starters. I don't really like to go on about her a lot cos no one really wants to hear about people's kids. Unless someone brings her up in conversation I tend not to broach the subject. I will tell you this though: she is above average in reading and considered 'gifted & talented' at both writing and maths.
So that's my little bit of showing off. It's not by chance she is at these levels. I always tell her the importance of education to help you get ahead in life.

I had the kid fairly young in life. By no means young by Swindon standards but too young nevertheless. Such just before my 21st birthday the most beautiful kid in the world came out the sunroof. I have basically been winging it ever since. I had and still have no idea how to be a mum. I will probably never figure it out. The only advice I can give people is in the first few years sleep when you can.

There has come along recently a breed of super mums intent on telling the world how to be parents and how awesome their kids are. They have seemed to miss the point that we are all built to procreate. We will probably all have kid eventually. They are not the first ones to try this fun new craze. They want to ram their "biggest achievement" down our throat.
Tiny lady jesko
Anyone who says their biggest achievement in life is having a kid have really set their sights low. I know some people who can barely look after a goldfish and therefore shouldn't be trusted with another human life who have kids all over the place. I don't see kids as an achievement. Raising and awesome kid that is the next Einstein maybe but just having a kid is not. Do you see my point? There is a difference!

The super mums probably think I am doing things wrong. I am a mum but that is not the only thing I am. I am lucky enough that the kids dad is very good with the time he has her so that I can lead my own life. This is not to say I don't miss the little lady when I she is at her dads, I do. I miss the harsh and abrasive wake up calls that can only have been learned from me. I am not a morning person.

The list of kids that actually interest me is very short. That's not to say I am going to be mean to your kids, unless they are mean to me, then I will put the little shits in a headlock.

Even baby gooners don't interest me
The thing is, new born babies are boring, just milk, sleep and inevitably crying. Older babies are funny for about 3 minutes till they inevitably cry. Toddlers just get in your stuff. they touch everything and are so very accident prone that they inevitably cry.

Then they get to school age, when they start getting a bit materialistic. They want stuff they can't have and inevitably cry.

So what have we learned? Kids cry basically.

Super mums I have a request of you please stop filling my life with your advice and idle chatter. And as lovely as your kids may be no one wants to see endless pictures and status updates about them.

And all mums, never give up on your heels. Get some than match the pushchair after the baby is born cos well you are l'oreal.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I passed. Huzzah

The last weekend was what I saw as my first big test. As of the Friday I had been straight edge for 120 days. Day 121 had been scaring me.

'twas our first big 'girls weekend' of the year to celebrate Besties 30th birthday. 8 of us took a lovely trip to Wales celebrate the best way we know how, looking all fab and dancing like idiots. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it. I have been around drunk people many times since I have stopped drinking but I have always been able to get in my car and go home. So the nerves set in about being trapped with drunk people.

All the pretty ladies - and me
Looking back now I can honestly say I had nothing to be nervous about. I had such an awesome time. I drank shots and cocktails with the ladies (admittedly shots of squash and fruit juice cocktails) and laughed so hard my face hurt. And not at one time did their drinking bother me, nor did they, being the super friends they are, make any issue of my not drinking.

I know not drinking is alien to a lot of people. I get questioned about it a lot. Like by the waiter in the tapas restaurant we went to having to point out in a loud an obnoxious way that there was no alcohol in my choice of drink. I'm glad we didn't pay their shitty 10% service charge.

Although I had very little time to think this weekend I did get a rare moment whilst sitting on the train home listening to the aptly named We Are The In Crowd. One thing that has been popping in my head recently is some "advice" I was given when I was 18. It seems so relevant to me at the moment.

***you'll make a lot of friends in this life, you'll also lose a lot of friends, don't worry about it***

If we look back a few years or even a few months the dynamics of our friendships will have changed drastically. It's not like we are any more or any less friendly towards people it's more like we just aren't meant to be anymore.

Life will take you to different places and you should let it. Don't pine for them friendships that may get left behind. They are no less important, but they may be less necessary. Don't let that get you angry and bitter and don't make it in to a passive aggressive faceyb status. Just recognise that life goes on and them important bonds are with someone different now.

That is unless you have the same size feet as me and then we have a need to be friends. My shoe budget is vastly diminished. Borrowing is the way forward.

Love, kisses and midget strippers-oh my!
Log - our Welsh friend