Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Rumours Of My Demise..

... Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Much concern was raised this weekend that I had fallen off the wagon and become some kind of raging alcoholic who need an intervention.

I went to Reading festival and had 3 pints of cider. I even smoked a few cigarettes.

I can do that you know I am an adult. Don't you guys worry your pretty little heads, I am fine.

I can assure you that you will not see me drunk in a shitty old town bar anytime soon.

Thanks for your concern.
me and the lovely HD
All time low
The black keys

Friday, August 24, 2012

A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I tend to happen across things in unexpected places. I found my passport under my car passenger seat the other day. Which was handy if I think of leaving the country any time soon.
I found Serendipity, my happy accident, when I was not even looking in a place I had written off as hurtful.
It wasn't a want for me. I was finally beginning to feel better about what had happened and managed to reconcile a strange kind of friendship.
My serendipity goes by many names, some which will never be published. Ones that can be published are my favourite geek or Sheldon Cooper.
Serendipity I am pleased that you are my happy accident. that I found you and I get to keep you.
Here's to dinosaurs, ghostbusters and the dogs called jack and toby.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Things not to ask a tattooed person

Visible tattoos will bring you attention. This attention will be good and bad. Being a girl will just add to the attention. People won't understand where you have come from. A girl, with tattoos, on her arms, out in the real world, not on tv, or in a magazine.

Yeah I live in a sheltered town. Or maybe in a sheltered world. Or maybe I just need to get out more.

Below you'll find a list of things that under no circumstances you should ask a tattooed person. We have heard them before and we are bored of thinking witty come backs.

Can I see your tattoos? - No. Well yeah you can if they are on show otherwise no. I have no desire to take my clothes off and show my flesh to you. Firstly that would be hugely inappropriate in a public place. Secondly I probably don't even like you.
Do you have any I can't see? Can I see them? - Yes, yes I do have tattoos that you can't see but as above no you can't see them.
Are they real? - No they are not. I have so much time on my hands I choose to draw the same designs on me each morning with sharpies. I like to put that much effort in to practical jokes.
How much did they cost? -  How much do you spend when you go out every weekend? I bet you don't wanna tell me that. Bet it's a regretful amount though. Yes, I spend a lot of money on being tattooed and I will again in the future spend lots more money. the amount though is really nothing to do with you.
Why have you got so many? - I like them. They are pretty. They are my art. along with the art on my wall. But that is also a collection in process. And hey I would like to return fire with the question why haven't you got as many as me or even why do you not have any? You won't know you don't like it till you try it.
You're not going to get any more are you? - Yes, yes I am. This is such an intrusive question. What the hell has it got to do with you? The number and size of my tattoos should be of no significance to you. Unless you are a dickhead bar manager or bouncer who wants to refuse me entry to your idiot bar.
What do they mean? - Absolutely shit all. They are just really cool pictures. This is not miami, LA, New York or London ink., these are not the stories of the harrowing time I dropped a pound down a drain and really wanted a can of coke that I could no longer afford. Nor are they about my flat mates, aunties dog which died trying to rescue a dolphin from a well back in 'nam - Cheltenham.
Do you regret them? - No I don't but tell me this, do you regret your failed relationships or that time you died your hair black and looked so pale people though you were a ghost.
What happens when you get married? - Hopefully I will live happily ever after. It's as simple as that. Oh hang on do you mean ladies with tattoos don't wear wedding dresses. I am sure they do. I bet all that white looks better with a bit of colour next to it.
What will you look like when you are old? - Awesome and colourful. And who says I am going to get old anyway. There could at any point be a meteor hitting the earth causing a mass extinction event.

Thanks for your time. Peace, love and puppy dogs.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

A guide to getting dumped

Ask any one of my friends and they will tell you that I am awful at relationships. I have done my fair share of dumping and been dumped a lot. With this in mind I share with you my definitive guide to getting dumped.

1. Conduct discussions via text. Discussions on the phone or especially face to face seek to clarify situations. This is not useful when being dumped. All conversations should be had by text to cause confusion and make you second guess yourself and the situation. Whilst having these text conversations you should ask wholly unreasonable questions like "would you be so kind as to explain the current situation in frank detail as its confusing". It is out of order for you to expect a response other than: I'm confused, I'm not sure and it's not you it's me.

2. Enter a relationship with a serial dumper. It's a good idea for you to think you can change the dumper. Of course you can. Put all your trust in to this dumper as it will be different for you guys. The serial dumper will promise you the moon on a stick, as that is, after all, what you want. You will then be sorely disappointed when you don't get it. But good on you for being so optimistic to think you wouldn't be dumped.

3. Carry on being yourself. All them reasons that your dumper was attracted to you for, they want you to stop them. Say you like to go out and dance like an utter idiot with your friends and laugh so much you can't breathe, well you should stop that as it now causes the dumper embarrassment. Carry on at your own peril.

4. Be honest. Being honest about what you are thinking and what you are doing in your life will cause the dumper confusion. This is especially good when combined with point 1.
Example: The text 'I miss you' will arrive at the other persons phone as 'I cannot stand being apart from you for one minute of my life. It's harrowing and sorrowful I can barely continue to breathe. Please help me by running away to live on a yacht with me in international waters where I can have all your attention 24/7.'. Your intention was to let the dumper know you are thinking of them as they are important to you but the dumper now believes you are clingy and unable to control your emotions. Dumping achieved!

5. Spend time with your friends. The dumper doesn't like your friends and thinks you spend too much time with them yet refuses to join in and attend social events. This is showing the dumper you are not entirely devoted to them.

6. Don't spend time with your friend. You are too clingy and needy the dumper needs space. Dumping ahoy!

7. Laugh. Relationships are jolly serious thing and should be approached as such. Your insistence on having fun and laughing is not what the dumper wants. They want all serious all the time. Rows should be had and not ignored in favour of saying something amusing. If you are not going to act like a "grown up" (what ever that is) you will get dumped.

8. Have sex. God all you are is about sex. Don't you think of anything else. I don't care if it is the honeymoon period and you constantly want to jump the dumpers bones. You must not. It gives the wrong impressions. Talk about art and philosophy and the weather instead.

9. Don't have sex. You frigid bastard. All you do is go on about art and philosophy and the weather. The dumper really doesn't feel that you are physically attracted to them.

10. Have friends of the opposite sex. How on this earth is it possible for you to have friends of the opposite sex without engaging in coitus all of the time? It's not possible. It can't be possible. Friends of the opposite sex cause jealousy and therefore should be hidden or you will be dumped for being a brazen hussy.