Friday, October 20, 2017

You suck!

Wow I am a miserable fuck.

I have looked through all this stuff and I only seem to write about the stuff that makes me sad. Maybe there is inspiration in melancholy. 

This week I have been most suicidal. Actually no suicidal is wrong. I don't want to kill myself I just don't wanna exist. If I fell asleep and didn't wake up I would be cool with that. I don't know why I have felt like this. I do know I have been feeling this way for a while and it all came to a head last weekend. 

Depression is a really hard thing to explain because (to me) it is not sadness of nothingness. It is utter despair, inconsolable tears, hopelessness.

I think in this moment I put to much importance (or prominence) on a friendship in my life that (again in my view) has been very one way. I thought that even a hello would help but I heard nothing. Now admittedly I did not reach out and ask for help, but i couldn't. And when I did there was not reason for the radio silence it was just that I am not a priority. 

Shit that sucked. The dawning realisation that the support you really needed in that moment was there. 

There were a lot of people there though. Strangers on the Internet, friends around the corner and in other cities. And I can't thank them enough for the time they took and the words they shared.

Back to the story. I reacted, in my true fashion probably in haste and probably a bit too much gusto. We call it the gung-ho approach to human emotions. I know what I meant to say but it came out at 12.30am, after just 3 hours sleep the night before, as, and I paraphrase here, as "fuck you, you suck".

Ahh balls. Well that friendship is fucked.

You may ask why I tell you guys these things. Fuck knows. To make you laugh maybe. I hope my foibles amuse you. 

This time I want you to take something away with you. It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past week experienced a common mental health problem. If you are that one, take care, go to the doctor if you need to. Talk to a trusted friend or confidant. Take your meds. Be safe. If that is not you, take a look around, does a friend or family member seem as though they need a little more support? Have they come to you for help? If so, take a little more time out of your day just to listen, talk, or even sit in silence and stare at QVC. 

And honestly, sincerely asking "how are you?" can make a huge difference to people in a moment of need.

If your that friend. I'm sorry for what I said but I thought I meant more to you.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I'm just not looking for anything serious

Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.

That's not what I am writing about but that is what I wanted to start with.

Right. Let's get down to business. I have a job. "What?" I hear you cry, "you manage to successfully hold down a highflying career, whilst having a jet set lifestyle and being the worlds best parent?"

No. I have a job. But I am fucking good at it. And I like it. And they pay me money. And as the saying goes, money can be exchanged for goods and services. When I am in work I am not the same person as the complete social write off you would meet in real life. I am confident in my role. And I really won't tolerate bullshit that makes my life harder for no good reason. And chit chat. Fuck chit chat. Do you work. Do it well. Go home.

When you are home you can then deal with the horrible feeling of imposter syndrome. That feeling that you don't deserve your job and at any minute you'll be pulled in to HR and sacked. Is that just me?

Now in real life. Something I can't deal well with is eye contact. I don't know why? I'm a fucking grown up. I am 34 and I can't look at people. I'll do anything to avoid it.

Now depending on where you meet me your judgment of me is going to be different. More than likely you'll think I am a complete moron but your reasoning will be different.

It's strange how people judge me. I know I am hard to get. People tell me. And I know that on first impression people just don't like me but given time they'll change their mind and drunkenly tell me in a toilet.

To get to the point. Something has hurt me really quite badly recently and ended in a drunken rampage with many battle scars and a massive kebab. I was judged in a way that I still can't quite understand.

A man seemingly judged my distinct lack of long term relationships to mean that I would automatically want to marry the first person that would show me the tiniest bit of interest. Whilst making the statement he also hinted towards me being the kind of person that would drive 40 miles to just have sex with someone.

Like please, if I wanted a fuccboi I would find a local one on tinder.

I'm not the crazy marry me person and I am not the wanton floozy. I'm just cool to meet people I like and I think I share some kind of common ground with and just hang out. Do fun stuff and see what happens. I'm not thinking about 10 years from now. Sometimes I'm not even thinking about 10 minutes from now because I've seen something shiny.

So my advice to you all. Before you get all judgy mcjudgerson and start breaking out the "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now" talk how about you take the time to ask the other person their intentions. Or don't even have the conversation at all and just be happy in the moment. There really is nothing wrong with that.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Have you heard of Grace Neutral?

In a world increasing overrun with beauty bloggers telling you to spend at least an hour doing your make up there is a voice challenging traditional views of beauty standards around the world. That Voice is Grace Neutral and she is awesome.

Grace is a hand poke tattoo artist. she is presenter of Needles and Pins on Viceland where she travels the globe exploring tattoos and body modification. You may recognise Grace from her many interviews in the likes of The Independent and Marie Claire.

But you may ask, why are you bleating on about Grace Neutral, why are you not talking about being dumped again or being bloody miserable?

Well, Grace is a Brand Ambassador for House of Junk, a UK street wear brand born out of Bristol.

House of Junk like to do things differently. Check out their Facebook page you'll see they are different from the thousand of other "lifestyle brands" trying to sell you a t-shirt from their parents spare room whilst working in a bank.

House of Junk don't just make some pretty awesome clothes. They have created a 2017 festival handbook so  you will know where to go, who to watch and what to wear.

They also work with Swindon based Breathe Pole and Fitness and I am a sucker for anything where women in business are supporting each other. And the Breathe Pole and Fitness ladies are freaking awesome. The House of Junk X Breathe Pole and Fitness Mantra Range is coming this summer.

Some in summary, women are awesome. Women in business are awesome and women who support women are probably the bestest.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

You shouldn't swear on Linked In...

... well why the fuck not?

Actually swearing isn't my point, but it got your attention.

I have to question what Linked In has become.

Recently I saw an article about feminism trending in Professional Women. It was a well written article called "Is gender your agenda?". The comments though that was a whole world of pain. It was like delving deep in to the YouTube comments section. And if you have ever been there you will know it is not pretty.

One woman had called feminists "baby killers" and a rather interesting chap had called feminists a "hate group" and "a cancer on society".

Now you may have entirely different views on feminism than me. I will proudly say I am a feminist. I will also point out that does not make me a man hater. Feminism to me (and by it's true definition) is the advocacy of equality of the sexes, the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.

But again that is not my point.

So what is my point? Well it is simply this. How can a so called professional network have fallen so far from grace that we see comments like this on a daily basis?

I will give another example. I saw an for Oreos today advert being discussed on here. The advert contained an image of a woman breastfeeding. The comments in this discussion were saying the advert was offensive and shouldn't be on Linked In.

Let me repeat that, people were commenting that a picture of a woman breastfeeding was offensive.

The same page had posted an advert by WWF showing a naked man swinging through some trees, the ad is about deforestation. Not a single complaint of it being offensive.

I think it is time for me to bow out of using Linked In as a professional network for personal use.
What are your views on the sort of content, and more importantly the comments you are seeing on Linked In recently?

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Weighty issues

A boy called me fat. I say boy and not person because I have never been called fat by a girl. Well not to my face. So yeah a boy tried to insult me and hurt my feelings by calling me fat. I mean what other reason would he have to do it. My weight is no where near an unhealthy level where I would need an intervention. 

I don't know how much I weigh. I've never known how much I have weighed. I don't need to obsess over another numbers. And my dress size makes no sense. In one shop I am 8-10 in other shops I am 14-16. Mostly though I wear size 10. I think the average dress size for a uk woman is size 16. 

So am I fat? Well I am certainly bigger than I have been. That's no secret. It's quite apparent to me when I see the big pile of clothes I have amassed for charity because seriously I am never going to get in them size 6 jeans again. 

I know I don't like my body. I know I have never liked my body. And I also know that my body, like that of every woman I know has been used in an insult. 

All my life my height has been mocked. I am 5'2" and not being able to reach the top shelf in asda has always been a thing of ridicule. 

As a teenager I was incessantly mocked for being flat chested. That has always been a go to joke for people since puberty. I used to cry about it. All I ever wanted from the age of 15 until probably 24 was a boob job until I one day had the realisation that they work. They create milk. They have fulfilled their primary function. Their size is irrelevant. 

I have a big ass. Buying jeans is a nightmare. Stretch materials are my friend. I have been insulted and made fun of for years about it. Even now. 

I used to be size 6. I was called skinny and a rake. I was told to eat more and put meat on my bones. Now I am told I am fat. But always by men. 

I ignore it. I have enough battles with my own internal monologue telling me "don't wear that it's for skinny people who don't have rippled thighs or stretch marks". 

You can insult my weight, my body, my hair all you want because I probably say much worse to myself. And anyway you probably have a tiny penis so you feel you need to project your insecurities. 

Nah just kidding but if you feel you have to insult someone on their physical appearance you will forever be known as a raspberry fuck nut. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Everything is coming up Milhouse.

That's the funny thing about life. Well my life. As soon as I start getting my shit together, making plans and just generally feeling happy and optimistic life comes along takes a little look and goes "what the fuck? This isn't for you, here, have some bullshit".

Everything was coming up Milhouse and not I'm clinging on for dear life to even maintain a scrap of that, and failing.

I put too much faith in people. And that is not to say the people I put faith in are assholes. Usually they are, but not always. I have faith that they won't leave. That things will work out this time. That they will stick around cos maybe I am worth it. 

Call it abandonment issues if you like but I have a high percentage rate of partners, friends, family just upsticks and leaving. 

Maybe it is me. I mean I am the common denominator here. Maybe I am an actual bitch. Maybe I laugh at my own jokes too much. Maybe it is all too much to be involved in the life of a single mother. Maybe my mental health seems a burden to others.  Maybe in life I wasn't meant to have anything lasting.

Whatever the reason, it hurts time and again to see people leave but still I keep hoping for the best. 

I think I have strayed in to relationship territory in my writing again and I don't want to bore you with that because yet again it was a non-starter that I invested too much in to and humiliated myself in the process.

I will say this though. I have the most awesome friends. I don't have many (who does?) but the few I do have are worth their weight in gold. It took a drunken evening with just one of them to realise I needed to go home home, clean my house, sleep off the hangover and then just let go of the false hope I was feeling.

I'm still sad, the sad doesn't go away, but I am not in that rut that I usually end up in.

Here's to gin and gay bars. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

Beyond the sea

Dating isn't the only thing I write about. But it probably the only thing I publish. The rest of the stuff is super boring and not at all funny. Who would wanna read something that doesn't have at least some comedy in it.

Today I am going to tell you a story of Tinder. "Tinder" I hear you cry. Yes Tinder. I haven't given up on internet dating yet even if it usually flushes out every mental human in a 50 mile radius.

So 2 months ago I matched with a chap. Nothing new there. I match with mutes a lot so day 2 I say hi. We chatted for 12 hours. Pretty much none stop. This is a good sign the average Tinder chat lasts 4 minutes and consists of strangers asking each other how they are. 

We spoke every day for 6 days before he gave me his number. This is big news in the world of internet dating. 

So we arranged to meet on day 7. On this fateful day I spent the day afternoon at a friends and she poisoned me. Well she didn't, but she did feed me wheat pasta, i spent a lovely evening feeling sorry for myself in the bathroom. That didn't put him off and he still wanted to meet up. 

But then he came clean, he was due to leave for America at some point and in his words he 'wouldn't class himself as a keeper but was cool with meeting as friends'. 

So after another week of chatting about crisps and gin and adventure time we arranged to meet again. That evening I walked to the pub and crippling social prevented me from going inside. I stood for 10 minutes in the rain in complete panic before going in. 

Finally I went in. He was reading (result not a moron) and hand umbrella corps gloves (why do I remember this?). We had a great 3 hours, well I did, and I didn't want it to end but he had to get the last train home. I headed off feeling pleased that I had faced by fears and gone on an actual date with an actual boy. It is not something I had been able to do in ages due to my horrifically low self esteem. 

The more we talked and the more I saw him the happier I felt so on day 29 I told him i liked him a lot and I didn't even do a Dumb and Dumber impression when I did it so clearly I meant it (damn it I am such a moron why do i open my big gob?).

So day 48 he tells me he is leaving in 7 days. My heart broke. I knew all along he was leaving. but i didn't think it would be so soon. i didn't think I would just have a week left with this awesome man. So I know what you are thinking "48 days is nothing. It is not long enough to actually care about someone". I do hope you are not thinking that actually you mean bastards.

The thing is I don't find many humans that I get close to either romantically or just as friends. I just am not sure how to do it well, friending (that's a word). So when someone I care about moves to the other side of the world it is a horrible feeling. 

Day 56 and he boarded a flight and headed to Orlando to start a new job and, well, a new life. 

That was 3 days ago and I feel sad. That is the only way I can describe how I feel just sad. 

So that is my story about how internet dating can actually work, even if it is only for 56 days. 

I miss him.