Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Getting all giddy

Well, it's November tomorrow. So that's nearly another year gone. Another year of believing the shit boys say to me which ultimately ends up being bullshit. Another year of failed relationship attempts and generally resigning myself to being a crazy cat lady, but with dogs.

Let me give you an example. Get comfortable because this may take a while.

For 4 maybe 5 years I have been on and and off waiting for Senpai to notice me. Sometimes he does but then he forgets and moves on with 'Becky with the good hair'. Towards the end of last year and during the beginning of this year we were spending time together and it was awesome. In them times I am happy. It's fun. I mean I love kicking back with this dude. 

But then he did some shit thing. It's 1am I am in his bed he tells me I have to go home because he has to get up early in the morning. Now I know it is because his mates are coming over and he doesn't want them to know I am there. 

So I distance myself from him. I was hurt and figured it was time to give up. I had a good old fashioned talk with myself about the perils of dating and of having feelings. I deleted all the apps: Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, and decided to just spend the rest of the year being cool with my eternal singleness. 

He keeps messaging me. He seems sincere and kind and genuine. So i go and see him. When I am there he uses these exact words, and this is verbatim "I've missed you" followed by "I want to spend more time with you". 

Ahhhhh I am elated after all this time Achievement Unlocked Senpai Noticed Me.

But then he went away. And I missed him terribly. And then he came back and it wasn't the same. My excitement for what might have been has become a real crushing sadness partly because I miss that person who made me happy by saying those things, and partly because I had the chance to prevent this inevitable outcome and the hopeless romantic in me went "naaaahhhhh it'll be fine"

So here I am. Sad about this same person again for the 100th time. Checking my phone for the 00th time to see if he has text me (He hasn't) and planning Christmas, New Year and my birthday as a single loser for the 300th time.

I would like to ask. I have replayed this situation over in my head 400 times (kept the number theme up) and I challenge any of you to be naked in bed with the person you want to be in a relationship with and not to get all giddy when they say they miss you.

Friday, October 20, 2017

You suck!

Wow I am a miserable fuck.

I have looked through all this stuff and I only seem to write about the stuff that makes me sad. Maybe there is inspiration in melancholy. 

This week I have been most suicidal. Actually no suicidal is wrong. I don't want to kill myself I just don't wanna exist. If I fell asleep and didn't wake up I would be cool with that. I don't know why I have felt like this. I do know I have been feeling this way for a while and it all came to a head last weekend. 

Depression is a really hard thing to explain because (to me) it is not sadness of nothingness. It is utter despair, inconsolable tears, hopelessness.

I think in this moment I put to much importance (or prominence) on a friendship in my life that (again in my view) has been very one way. I thought that even a hello would help but I heard nothing. Now admittedly I did not reach out and ask for help, but i couldn't. And when I did there was not reason for the radio silence it was just that I am not a priority. 

Shit that sucked. The dawning realisation that the support you really needed in that moment was there. 

There were a lot of people there though. Strangers on the Internet, friends around the corner and in other cities. And I can't thank them enough for the time they took and the words they shared.

Back to the story. I reacted, in my true fashion probably in haste and probably a bit too much gusto. We call it the gung-ho approach to human emotions. I know what I meant to say but it came out at 12.30am, after just 3 hours sleep the night before, as, and I paraphrase here, as "fuck you, you suck".

Ahh balls. Well that friendship is fucked.

You may ask why I tell you guys these things. Fuck knows. To make you laugh maybe. I hope my foibles amuse you. 

This time I want you to take something away with you. It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past week experienced a common mental health problem. If you are that one, take care, go to the doctor if you need to. Talk to a trusted friend or confidant. Take your meds. Be safe. If that is not you, take a look around, does a friend or family member seem as though they need a little more support? Have they come to you for help? If so, take a little more time out of your day just to listen, talk, or even sit in silence and stare at QVC. 

And honestly, sincerely asking "how are you?" can make a huge difference to people in a moment of need.

If your that friend. I'm sorry for what I said but I thought I meant more to you.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I'm just not looking for anything serious


Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.


That's not what I am writing about but that is what I wanted to start with.


Right. Let's get down to business. I have a job. "What?" I hear you cry, "you manage to successfully hold down a highflying career, whilst having a jet set lifestyle and being the worlds best parent?"


No. I have a job. But I am fucking good at it. And I like it. And they pay me money. And as the saying goes, money can be exchanged for goods and services. When I am in work I am not the same person as the complete social write off you would meet in real life. I am confident in my role. And I really won't tolerate bullshit that makes my life harder for no good reason. And chit chat. Fuck chit chat. Do you work. Do it well. Go home.


When you are home you can then deal with the horrible feeling of imposter syndrome. That feeling that you don't deserve your job and at any minute you'll be pulled in to HR and sacked. Is that just me?


Now in real life. Something I can't deal well with is eye contact. I don't know why? I'm a fucking grown up. I am 34 and I can't look at people. I'll do anything to avoid it.


Now depending on where you meet me your judgment of me is going to be different. More than likely you'll think I am a complete moron but your reasoning will be different.


It's strange how people judge me. I know I am hard to get. People tell me. And I know that on first impression people just don't like me but given time they'll change their mind and drunkenly tell me in a toilet.


To get to the point. Something has hurt me really quite badly recently and ended in a drunken rampage with many battle scars and a massive kebab. I was judged in a way that I still can't quite understand.


A man seemingly judged my distinct lack of long term relationships to mean that I would automatically want to marry the first person that would show me the tiniest bit of interest. Whilst making the statement he also hinted towards me being the kind of person that would drive 40 miles to just have sex with someone.


Like please, if I wanted a fuccboi I would find a local one on tinder.


I'm not the crazy marry me person and I am not the wanton floozy. I'm just cool to meet people I like and I think I share some kind of common ground with and just hang out. Do fun stuff and see what happens. I'm not thinking about 10 years from now. Sometimes I'm not even thinking about 10 minutes from now because I've seen something shiny.


So my advice to you all. Before you get all judgy mcjudgerson and start breaking out the "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now" talk how about you take the time to ask the other person their intentions. Or don't even have the conversation at all and just be happy in the moment. There really is nothing wrong with that.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Have you heard of Grace Neutral?

In a world increasing overrun with beauty bloggers telling you to spend at least an hour doing your make up there is a voice challenging traditional views of beauty standards around the world. That Voice is Grace Neutral and she is awesome.




Grace is a hand poke tattoo artist. she is presenter of Needles and Pins on Viceland where she travels the globe exploring tattoos and body modification. You may recognise Grace from her many interviews in the likes of The Independent and Marie Claire.

But you may ask, why are you bleating on about Grace Neutral, why are you not talking about being dumped again or being bloody miserable?

Well, Grace is a Brand Ambassador for House of Junk, a UK street wear brand born out of Bristol.



House of Junk like to do things differently. Check out their Facebook page you'll see they are different from the thousand of other "lifestyle brands" trying to sell you a t-shirt from their parents spare room whilst working in a bank.



House of Junk don't just make some pretty awesome clothes. They have created a 2017 festival handbook so  you will know where to go, who to watch and what to wear.

They also work with Swindon based Breathe Pole and Fitness and I am a sucker for anything where women in business are supporting each other. And the Breathe Pole and Fitness ladies are freaking awesome. The House of Junk X Breathe Pole and Fitness Mantra Range is coming this summer.





Some in summary, women are awesome. Women in business are awesome and women who support women are probably the bestest.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

You shouldn't swear on Linked In...

... well why the fuck not?

Actually swearing isn't my point, but it got your attention.

I have to question what Linked In has become.

Recently I saw an article about feminism trending in Professional Women. It was a well written article called "Is gender your agenda?". The comments though that was a whole world of pain. It was like delving deep in to the YouTube comments section. And if you have ever been there you will know it is not pretty.

One woman had called feminists "baby killers" and a rather interesting chap had called feminists a "hate group" and "a cancer on society".

Now you may have entirely different views on feminism than me. I will proudly say I am a feminist. I will also point out that does not make me a man hater. Feminism to me (and by it's true definition) is the advocacy of equality of the sexes, the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.

But again that is not my point.

So what is my point? Well it is simply this. How can a so called professional network have fallen so far from grace that we see comments like this on a daily basis?

I will give another example. I saw an for Oreos today advert being discussed on here. The advert contained an image of a woman breastfeeding. The comments in this discussion were saying the advert was offensive and shouldn't be on Linked In.

Let me repeat that, people were commenting that a picture of a woman breastfeeding was offensive.

The same page had posted an advert by WWF showing a naked man swinging through some trees, the ad is about deforestation. Not a single complaint of it being offensive.

I think it is time for me to bow out of using Linked In as a professional network for personal use.
What are your views on the sort of content, and more importantly the comments you are seeing on Linked In recently?

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Weighty issues

A boy called me fat. I say boy and not person because I have never been called fat by a girl. Well not to my face. So yeah a boy tried to insult me and hurt my feelings by calling me fat. I mean what other reason would he have to do it. My weight is no where near an unhealthy level where I would need an intervention. 

I don't know how much I weigh. I've never known how much I have weighed. I don't need to obsess over another numbers. And my dress size makes no sense. In one shop I am 8-10 in other shops I am 14-16. Mostly though I wear size 10. I think the average dress size for a uk woman is size 16. 

So am I fat? Well I am certainly bigger than I have been. That's no secret. It's quite apparent to me when I see the big pile of clothes I have amassed for charity because seriously I am never going to get in them size 6 jeans again. 

I know I don't like my body. I know I have never liked my body. And I also know that my body, like that of every woman I know has been used in an insult. 

All my life my height has been mocked. I am 5'2" and not being able to reach the top shelf in asda has always been a thing of ridicule. 

As a teenager I was incessantly mocked for being flat chested. That has always been a go to joke for people since puberty. I used to cry about it. All I ever wanted from the age of 15 until probably 24 was a boob job until I one day had the realisation that they work. They create milk. They have fulfilled their primary function. Their size is irrelevant. 

I have a big ass. Buying jeans is a nightmare. Stretch materials are my friend. I have been insulted and made fun of for years about it. Even now. 

I used to be size 6. I was called skinny and a rake. I was told to eat more and put meat on my bones. Now I am told I am fat. But always by men. 

I ignore it. I have enough battles with my own internal monologue telling me "don't wear that it's for skinny people who don't have rippled thighs or stretch marks". 

You can insult my weight, my body, my hair all you want because I probably say much worse to myself. And anyway you probably have a tiny penis so you feel you need to project your insecurities. 

Nah just kidding but if you feel you have to insult someone on their physical appearance you will forever be known as a raspberry fuck nut. 



Monday, July 4, 2016

Everything is coming up Milhouse.


That's the funny thing about life. Well my life. As soon as I start getting my shit together, making plans and just generally feeling happy and optimistic life comes along takes a little look and goes "what the fuck? This isn't for you, here, have some bullshit".


Everything was coming up Milhouse and not I'm clinging on for dear life to even maintain a scrap of that, and failing.

I put too much faith in people. And that is not to say the people I put faith in are assholes. Usually they are, but not always. I have faith that they won't leave. That things will work out this time. That they will stick around cos maybe I am worth it. 

Call it abandonment issues if you like but I have a high percentage rate of partners, friends, family just upsticks and leaving. 

Maybe it is me. I mean I am the common denominator here. Maybe I am an actual bitch. Maybe I laugh at my own jokes too much. Maybe it is all too much to be involved in the life of a single mother. Maybe my mental health seems a burden to others.  Maybe in life I wasn't meant to have anything lasting.

Whatever the reason, it hurts time and again to see people leave but still I keep hoping for the best. 

I think I have strayed in to relationship territory in my writing again and I don't want to bore you with that because yet again it was a non-starter that I invested too much in to and humiliated myself in the process.



I will say this though. I have the most awesome friends. I don't have many (who does?) but the few I do have are worth their weight in gold. It took a drunken evening with just one of them to realise I needed to go home home, clean my house, sleep off the hangover and then just let go of the false hope I was feeling.

I'm still sad, the sad doesn't go away, but I am not in that rut that I usually end up in.

Here's to gin and gay bars.