Friday, April 20, 2018

Watching films

This is not exactly gonna be about Star Wars but it is. But bear with me I promise I won't be geeky.

I struggle with films. They are so darn hard to watch. They go on forever and I have no idea what is going to happen. 

Films are hard for me with both ADHD and anxiety. It can be a stressful experince. Take Rogue One for Example. I had no idea what was going to happen and it was an emotional journey (and don't try and pretend it wasn't). I had to wait in the cinema at the end just to get my brain back together.

I love Star Wars. I ruddy love it. And no I don't need your quiz on some obscure fact that feel makes you a better fan than me. and I don't want to debate which is your favourite of your views on the prequels or the Star Wars Stories. Let's just allow people to enjoy things shall we.

I love Star Wars because I know it, pretty much off by heart. I know the characters I know the plot, I know the foibles and directors cuts. 

I can have Star Wars on and not have to worry. And that is a rare place to be. Call it a safe place, call me a snowflake, I don't care, because Star Wars makes me happy and I am not about to give it up any time soon.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Let's have a quick catch up

God I hate that office talk bullshit. Let's have a quick catch up I'll ping you an email. Ping, fucking ping!

I've not been here for a while. I have not really been anywhere. I do not have any stories of my heart being ripped out and stamped on to regale you with.

There have probably been a lot of amusing anecdotes and many a foible. Just nothing to write about. And let's be honest you all one here for the comedy break-ups you're not here for happiness and light are you?

I am still single, surprise hey. I am pretty sure I was meant to be single but just to fall in love with every chap that smiled in my direction, even if he is looking at the girl behind me.

When I started out here i think I was called 28 year old single mum. I am 35 now. So what does that say about my inadequacies with relationships? Nothing, that's what. It's not me it's them. Well maybe it is me. But only a little bit me.

I hope I fall in love this year, with someone who loves me back, and not just with the boy I stare whsitfully at sometimes, planning all the fun things we should do whilst knowing full well he has a girlfriend. God he's pretty.

Anyway, I hope I make the time to write cos I do miss it.



Monday, April 2, 2018

I miss you my friend

It’s been 5 months and I haven’t spoken to him. We used to speak every day. Not about anything. But about everything. I haven’t thought about him. Just put it to the back of my mind and moved on.

I don’t even understand how we got to the point we did. How it was so much fun and then so horribly nasty.

I thought about him this evening. Wondered what he was doing whilst I’m out here fucking up still. He would be the one I would tell it all too. He would laugh at me. Call me a trusting dickhead. And make me feel better.

It’s been quiet since he’s gone. He’s not reading this. I’m not sure if anyone reads this anymore. But just in case “I miss you my friend”

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Getting all giddy

Well, it's November tomorrow. So that's nearly another year gone. Another year of believing the shit boys say to me which ultimately ends up being bullshit. Another year of failed relationship attempts and generally resigning myself to being a crazy cat lady, but with dogs.

Let me give you an example. Get comfortable because this may take a while.

For 4 maybe 5 years I have been on and and off waiting for Senpai to notice me. Sometimes he does but then he forgets and moves on with 'Becky with the good hair'. Towards the end of last year and during the beginning of this year we were spending time together and it was awesome. In them times I am happy. It's fun. I mean I love kicking back with this dude. 

But then he did some shit thing. It's 1am I am in his bed he tells me I have to go home because he has to get up early in the morning. Now I know it is because his mates are coming over and he doesn't want them to know I am there. 

So I distance myself from him. I was hurt and figured it was time to give up. I had a good old fashioned talk with myself about the perils of dating and of having feelings. I deleted all the apps: Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, and decided to just spend the rest of the year being cool with my eternal singleness. 

He keeps messaging me. He seems sincere and kind and genuine. So i go and see him. When I am there he uses these exact words, and this is verbatim "I've missed you" followed by "I want to spend more time with you". 

Ahhhhh I am elated after all this time Achievement Unlocked Senpai Noticed Me.

But then he went away. And I missed him terribly. And then he came back and it wasn't the same. My excitement for what might have been has become a real crushing sadness partly because I miss that person who made me happy by saying those things, and partly because I had the chance to prevent this inevitable outcome and the hopeless romantic in me went "naaaahhhhh it'll be fine"

So here I am. Sad about this same person again for the 100th time. Checking my phone for the 00th time to see if he has text me (He hasn't) and planning Christmas, New Year and my birthday as a single loser for the 300th time.

I would like to ask. I have replayed this situation over in my head 400 times (kept the number theme up) and I challenge any of you to be naked in bed with the person you want to be in a relationship with and not to get all giddy when they say they miss you.

Friday, October 20, 2017

You suck!

Wow I am a miserable fuck.

I have looked through all this stuff and I only seem to write about the stuff that makes me sad. Maybe there is inspiration in melancholy. 

This week I have been most suicidal. Actually no suicidal is wrong. I don't want to kill myself I just don't wanna exist. If I fell asleep and didn't wake up I would be cool with that. I don't know why I have felt like this. I do know I have been feeling this way for a while and it all came to a head last weekend. 

Depression is a really hard thing to explain because (to me) it is not sadness of nothingness. It is utter despair, inconsolable tears, hopelessness.

I think in this moment I put to much importance (or prominence) on a friendship in my life that (again in my view) has been very one way. I thought that even a hello would help but I heard nothing. Now admittedly I did not reach out and ask for help, but i couldn't. And when I did there was not reason for the radio silence it was just that I am not a priority. 

Shit that sucked. The dawning realisation that the support you really needed in that moment was there. 

There were a lot of people there though. Strangers on the Internet, friends around the corner and in other cities. And I can't thank them enough for the time they took and the words they shared.

Back to the story. I reacted, in my true fashion probably in haste and probably a bit too much gusto. We call it the gung-ho approach to human emotions. I know what I meant to say but it came out at 12.30am, after just 3 hours sleep the night before, as, and I paraphrase here, as "fuck you, you suck".

Ahh balls. Well that friendship is fucked.

You may ask why I tell you guys these things. Fuck knows. To make you laugh maybe. I hope my foibles amuse you. 

This time I want you to take something away with you. It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past week experienced a common mental health problem. If you are that one, take care, go to the doctor if you need to. Talk to a trusted friend or confidant. Take your meds. Be safe. If that is not you, take a look around, does a friend or family member seem as though they need a little more support? Have they come to you for help? If so, take a little more time out of your day just to listen, talk, or even sit in silence and stare at QVC. 

And honestly, sincerely asking "how are you?" can make a huge difference to people in a moment of need.

If your that friend. I'm sorry for what I said but I thought I meant more to you.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I'm just not looking for anything serious


Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.


That's not what I am writing about but that is what I wanted to start with.


Right. Let's get down to business. I have a job. "What?" I hear you cry, "you manage to successfully hold down a highflying career, whilst having a jet set lifestyle and being the worlds best parent?"


No. I have a job. But I am fucking good at it. And I like it. And they pay me money. And as the saying goes, money can be exchanged for goods and services. When I am in work I am not the same person as the complete social write off you would meet in real life. I am confident in my role. And I really won't tolerate bullshit that makes my life harder for no good reason. And chit chat. Fuck chit chat. Do you work. Do it well. Go home.


When you are home you can then deal with the horrible feeling of imposter syndrome. That feeling that you don't deserve your job and at any minute you'll be pulled in to HR and sacked. Is that just me?


Now in real life. Something I can't deal well with is eye contact. I don't know why? I'm a fucking grown up. I am 34 and I can't look at people. I'll do anything to avoid it.


Now depending on where you meet me your judgment of me is going to be different. More than likely you'll think I am a complete moron but your reasoning will be different.


It's strange how people judge me. I know I am hard to get. People tell me. And I know that on first impression people just don't like me but given time they'll change their mind and drunkenly tell me in a toilet.


To get to the point. Something has hurt me really quite badly recently and ended in a drunken rampage with many battle scars and a massive kebab. I was judged in a way that I still can't quite understand.


A man seemingly judged my distinct lack of long term relationships to mean that I would automatically want to marry the first person that would show me the tiniest bit of interest. Whilst making the statement he also hinted towards me being the kind of person that would drive 40 miles to just have sex with someone.


Like please, if I wanted a fuccboi I would find a local one on tinder.


I'm not the crazy marry me person and I am not the wanton floozy. I'm just cool to meet people I like and I think I share some kind of common ground with and just hang out. Do fun stuff and see what happens. I'm not thinking about 10 years from now. Sometimes I'm not even thinking about 10 minutes from now because I've seen something shiny.


So my advice to you all. Before you get all judgy mcjudgerson and start breaking out the "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now" talk how about you take the time to ask the other person their intentions. Or don't even have the conversation at all and just be happy in the moment. There really is nothing wrong with that.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Have you heard of Grace Neutral?

In a world increasing overrun with beauty bloggers telling you to spend at least an hour doing your make up there is a voice challenging traditional views of beauty standards around the world. That Voice is Grace Neutral and she is awesome.




Grace is a hand poke tattoo artist. she is presenter of Needles and Pins on Viceland where she travels the globe exploring tattoos and body modification. You may recognise Grace from her many interviews in the likes of The Independent and Marie Claire.

But you may ask, why are you bleating on about Grace Neutral, why are you not talking about being dumped again or being bloody miserable?

Well, Grace is a Brand Ambassador for House of Junk, a UK street wear brand born out of Bristol.



House of Junk like to do things differently. Check out their Facebook page you'll see they are different from the thousand of other "lifestyle brands" trying to sell you a t-shirt from their parents spare room whilst working in a bank.



House of Junk don't just make some pretty awesome clothes. They have created a 2017 festival handbook so  you will know where to go, who to watch and what to wear.

They also work with Swindon based Breathe Pole and Fitness and I am a sucker for anything where women in business are supporting each other. And the Breathe Pole and Fitness ladies are freaking awesome. The House of Junk X Breathe Pole and Fitness Mantra Range is coming this summer.





Some in summary, women are awesome. Women in business are awesome and women who support women are probably the bestest.