Thursday, July 19, 2012

Seb Rock part 9

Not done one in a while.
Today Seb rocks status quo style

How to prevent a shark attack

A few days ago or maybe even a day ago (time is inconsequential) someone said to be, in all seriousness, "there's always a danger of a shark attack".
I don't think there is. I have been a human on this earth for nearly 30 years now and I have never encountered a shark that has attacked me. I have seen sharks, those little silver or red tipped ones at a pet shop, or bigger real ones at an aquarium.
Surviving a shark attack seems to be a real issue to some of you out there so here is how to prevent said attack.
1. Don't go in to the sea / ocean / an aquarium tank - sharks are a group of fish, this means they live in water, mostly seawater but occasionally freshwater. By staying out of water you a lessening your chance of shark attack by a significant percentage. However if you feel you must go in to water other than the bath or shower then read on.
2. Go swimming (if you have to) in a swimming pool - reports of people being maimed by sharks in swimming pools have reduced substantially since the government made it illegal to keep a predatory shark in a swimming pool. This is not true for box jelly fish. You can have as many of these as you like in a pool. Be careful out there.
3. If you going to ignore my advice and go in these watery places take heed - Do not for any reason whatsoever cover yourself in the blood of the virgin you just sacrificed to your god of choice. My god of choice is Ra the sun god if you want to know. Hathor is also a good god as recommended to my by my lovely Archeologist friend.
4. If you still manage to come across a shark then move away from it - Don't let the nippy little buggers bite you. Either swim or run of you can away from said shark. Seems simple really but staying and fighting is a fools game.
5. The notorious zombie shark - Much discussion has been had on this topic and I think we can agree the zombie shark can 'live' on land. After all zombies are the undead. However, The probably wouldn't be very agile so you could probably just walk away. You could probably uppercut the undead-fishy-bastards if you wanted before departing. Don't be too relaxed in this situation it won't be long before zombie sharks start walking on their tale fins in the style of sharky from sharky and george (crimebusters of the sea)

Monday, July 16, 2012

Let's talk about sex baby

Actually let's not. I'm kinda bored of hearing about it. Well I am not. No one ever is. But 50 shades of grey seems to have put sex at the forefront of everyone's conversation instead of their mind.

I haven't read 50 shades of grey and I am not going to. It's twilight fan fiction. I have not seen any of the twilight films and I am not going to do that either.

From what I understand 50sog is softcore bdsm with very little story line. A 20 something woman who is a little naive.

Now, we all know that deep down inside we are all a little bit perverted. But clinging on to a love a fictional possibly vampire boy it taking it to a new level. Read the sex scenes again. I bet you have had more exciting sex yourself, well hopefully you have. I think the quantity may have just overwhelmed you.

And Mr Grey himself. Why are you all getting wet over him ladies? He isn't what I would call a fair representation of a male dom. He is manipulative and controlling and generally a bit of a cunt. Doms should be protective of you. Yes they push you out of your comfort zone, especially when it comes to sex. They don't however make you feel weak.

Don't start hoping now that all your partners will turn in to the next Mr Grey. It takes a certain kind of person to be a Dom. I have met 2 in my life and I recognize the qualities they have very quickly. There is a difference between a Dom and a dickhead.

So go out there ladies and explore your newly unlocked perversion. I'm proud of you for being so open about it. I'll even give you some tips on how to be a well behaved sub if you want. But tonight when you and your mister are making sweet, sweet love (fucking) don't think about Mr Grey. He is a cunt and is girlfriend is feeble.

OH MY!!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Following your dreams

I didn't know what my dream was. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I do now, and greedily enough I have 2.

My first is this. I want to write. I want to write about tattoos and art and pretty things. I want to make up self help guides for zombie attacks and broken hearts. I want to say silly things, make people laugh and say my opinion without the chance of another bollocking. I want to bare my soul and share my happiness and my heartache. So i am gonna keep doing this. But maybe it's time for a restructure over here at 28yearoldsinglemum. I'll work on that over the weekend.

My second dream is work with meaning. I am good at what I do. I can write from the heart, I kick ass at social media as a marketing and customer service tool and if you want an event managed from start to finish I'm your girl. Oh and I'm modest.

I need to channel what I do in to something, not more worthwhile, my current job is worthwhile, but something more, well, charitable. I want to work for a charity I want to be able to put my skills to use to make a difference to other peoples lives. I may not be able to directly impact people, I'm not trained for that stuff. But I sure can throw a mean fundraising ball!!

Being a mum though is going to make this a little harder to do. I can't be a starving artiste. The kid needs feeding and enjoys the finer things in life like hot water and electricity.

Still, I think I can find the thing I want to do.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Girl you'll be a woman soon

It's 3.22am. My brain and body are dead set against me sleeping.

I'm 29. 29 years old. But I'm confused. Am I now a woman. The simple answer is yes. An adult human is called a woman. But I don't feel like a woman. When I look in the mirror I don't see a woman. I just see me.

We go through milestones with our ages
10 - double figures
13 - a teenager
16 - sweet or maybe not
18 - able to have homosexual intercourse
21 - for some reason.
Then nothing. You are just in your twenties until you reach 30. The big ones are only the decades after that.

But sat here at the end of my 20s I'm wondering, when do I become a grown up, when am I a woman?

If you asked me what I was doing at the weekend I was said I am going to see the girls, or the ladies. I wouldn't refer to us as women. But we are.

I am officially picking an age when we become women.
It's 69 dude.

He he he he he he he 69 (massively overrated)

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Custom art not stolen art

Today, purely by accident, I found that someone had copied a tattoo of mine. It was the exact same tattoo, even down to the colours.

All my tattoos (except the black spikey thing are custom).

The artist (some douche in norway) has to take the blame here. He has either completely ripped it off himself or has been lazy when someone showed him a picture of it as inspiration and didn't bother to put his own spin on it.

At first I didn't know whether to be flattered or fucked off. I thought it through, I'm fucked off. By all means use my tattoos as inspiration for your own or to seek out the artists that did them for your own custom piece. Do not copy them though. They are mine. The art was done by the artists for me.

When you are out there on the Internet looking for inspiration make sure that is all you are looking for. Don't print out a picture and say 'I want that'. To get the best tattoo talk to your artist tell them what you like and then let them run with it. They are the professionals.

I feel this was a but ranty so here are some cool pics some cool people did of me. They make me happy.

You lot make me happy too.

Kisses and strawberry jam
Andy Rocketeer art
Me by the beautiful alex

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Sickness and the single mum

I think the big-mouth-on-the-Internet lady met her match this week and it's name is germs.


Had a lovely Monday at work followed by a lovely evening with HD and the kid. Went to bed as normal. Woke up at 4am on the Tuesday feeling like death had come for me and not quite finished the job. I have now been in bed for 48 hours with occasional trips to the bathroom to vomit and break the toilet seat. And I did manage to sit on the sofa for a bit.

My glands are swollen so much I cannot move my neck and standing up causes the worlds worst headache to become a sharp pain like someone has stabbed me in the skull. This then caused me to be very dizzy and ultimately be sick. Oh and then there is moving. I feel like my body has been hit in every single area with a baseball bat. Even my little toes ache. If you want to come round and see me phone ahead so I have an hour or so to get to the door.

Herein lies the problem. Not the sickness, everyone gets sick, that's life. But, trying to cope with the sickness and the kid, on my own.

During day 1 of the sickness the kid was well behaved and awfully helpful bringing me drinks and getting my bag which contains all the tablets I need to keep me going; anti-depressants, beta blockers, pain killers.

The kid made her own lunch, a chicken roll, and lucky enough we were sent a feast of a delivery by a super awesome person that the kid went to the door to collect and chowed down on.

Day 2 started well but the kid grew impatient and bored. I couldn't entertain her as i can bearly lift my head . Except for the occasional sneeze where I bite my tongue I have nothing.

Luckily her dad was kind enough to pick her up for a few hours.

Them few hours left me time to think. It's times like these that I wish I had someone around to help out. They don't need to be immediately around. Not even in the same town. But just someone I can cry on when I feel this bad. I can honestly say this is the sickest i have ever felt. And I can also say I honestly felt like I needed someone around to help.

I know my friends would be here in a second. SD was super enough to offer her assistance. But what I really need is a hug. And that's not the same from a friend. And SD and I have a strictly no hugging rule. (love you bestie)

I haven't felt like i needed help in a long time. It's not a nice feeling to me. It left me wanting to climb back in my shell and hide even more.

I'm hoping to wake up feeling amazing and cured tomorrow. The fact is though it's nearly midnight. I can't sleep. I feel like I am dying. My alarm goes off at 6am. I can't see day 3 being much better.

Oh and I left my painkillers in the front room so I just had some calpol. It was the nearest thing.

Reasons to get better:
1. Guns and Roses tribute band Friday night
2. Hen do in Windsor Saturday nigh
3. Miss q10 immensely
4. Silverstone grand prix at the pig on Sunday