Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Why I will keep getting tattooed

An awesome person spoke to me last weekend and said "if you are getting all these tattoos when you are in this dark place do you not think you will regret them when you come out the other side?" (this was the basis I may have some words wrong)

My answer is now, and will forever be, no. I have no regrets around any of my tattoos. They all have a separate little meaning deep down in my heart that I will keep as my dirty little secret. I'm not talking about them bullshit stories off of Miami or LA ink that would not look out of place in the X Factor sob story section. Just little memories from the day or around the time that make me smile. These little bits of happiness are forever mine and they keep me sane during times when I feel alone.

I have said before and will say again: Tattoo the memories and the things that make you happy. Don't tattoo the moment because in a second it could be over. All but the matching tattoos are things that make me happy. The matching tattoos are moments. Perfect moments. But moments that were over so quickly and caused so much pain.

I know being the painted little twerp I am makes people view me differently and often in a stereotypical way. I don't see this as my problem though. I see it as a challenge to change people's views, a way of starting conversations and meeting probably the coolest darn people on the planet.

Tattooed people are not only the most fun to look at naked but they just seem to have a different outlook. The are genuine and heartfelt. Don't get me confused on this, I am not talking about the girl with the dolphin or the bigger boy at the gym with the tribal. I mean real pieces of art, the kind of art that makes you say wow even if the subject is not one you personally choose.

Tattoos are not some underground thing. Look around you I am sure a lot of people you know have tattoos. And the ones who choose to have more than the average are not satanist intent on kicking your kid in the shins. We are not uneducated villains who want to be centre of the worlds attention.

We are probably sat next to you on a train reading Sophie's World or at work doing that same mundane office job you do.

And we most definitely do not all have Harley Davidsons (we have a time share scheme).

So I will keep getting tattooed because I love the art, the people and where it takes me. I have plenty of skin and plenty of ideas left and I would hope I have plenty of time left in this world to seek out amazing artists.

Sunday, February 26, 2012


A funny thing happens when I take zopiclone. I don't get sleepy. I'll just pretty close my eyes and be dead to the world. But I lose the power of speech. I can think I can write. I have all kinds of ideas which I will forget come the morning. But I cannot speak.

If anyone needs someone to listen to relatively short stories during the time between taking the tablets as being asleep pop round.

Night sleepy world.

A selection of tweets all mashed up

I need to get the arrested development out of my system (not the band or the series both were awesome).

So, guess what I did. Why I got a tattoo of course. Like normal I think its beautiful and you may have an opinion. Just remember 'it's not up to you'.

It's my last one for a while. I am braving going back to work after ever and the drive is always torture when all stingy.

My time off has helped me not only to reevaluate all the things in my brain but also to sleep all kinds of odd hours. Which has been a delight. But the real world beckons and I can't avoid it forever. I can however make it more bearable. I know exactly how I am going to do this and all will be revealed soon and I am gonna need willing participants.

I have abused the shit out of twitter during my time off. I have just had a quick look back and some of the thing said are ridiculous.
- I have thought of the correct pressure for a high five to be fulfilling but not stingy. It needs more research
- I have thought of sappy things such as you and hugs and hugs with you.
- I have thought of dizzy the egg and all the yolk folk
- I have though of getting a miniature pinscher and calling it Zeus or Odin. Or cutey-little-puppy-wuppy.
- I want a velociraptor I would put a saddle on it and ride around town listening to Jurassic 5 on a retro ghetto blaster.

Some of the things I have said are genius such as
- According to tv we are ok with Chris brown now. I am gonna go kick the crap out of someone and see how my career does.
Which in turn caused me to tag everything #fuckoffchrisbrown

Other gems include
- BVB are such utter tools. They should be in a death match pitted against one direction.
- Went out with no make up. Bump into my sister who says not 'hello' but 'what's wrong with your face'.
Take that self esteem.

Well as this is just complete and utter self promotion I shall be off.

"you smell like rainbows. You want some weak lemon drink?"


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I like kicking back with you lot

I am aware that I have seemed pretty down lately. Both internet based and real life.
This is because I am pretty down. Day to day life is a struggle for me. I did however manage to get a normal persons night sleep, 11pm-6.30am and didn't nap at all during the day so maybe I am on the up again.

I don't wanna seem like a miserable fuck cos those that know me will know that I am not. Or maybe I am and no one has told me. Please text me if you are lucky enough to have my number and think I am a miserable fuck.

To prove I am not entirely down I shall list some awesome things in my life.

The kid- naturally! The kid is awesome. She come into the kitchen earlier where I was sat having a stare and said "mummy that boy off x factor is singing 7 nation army. I don't like it. I like the original.". This was a truly joyous moment in my life which called for not only big 10s up top but the exchange of massive hugs and the giving of a creme egg. I love music all kinds of music (insert genre spanner joke here) but an awful cover song for no reason other than to sell records will piss me off no end.

So music is also on the list of awesome things. I bloody love music. And I am not about to get all hoity-toity about it. I like the stuff I like. You like what you like. Neither of us are wrong and I am sure we will find some middle ground. My best guess is that middle ground will be Bobby Darin. Music is always on in my house and in my car. But the one thing I cannot tolerate is commercial radio. Heart fm you can fuck off

My sisters. Now although they will never be as cool as me they are still pretty awesome. Big sis for putting up with all them kids all the time. I don't like kids I don't know how you do it. And lil sis I know you ain't had it easy but you are doing ok. Just stop getting them holes in your face I don't like them.

Friends. I am blessed with my friends. I don't have loads. I probably have the right amount but the coolest bunch of people ever.
So I raise a glass of lemonade to you:
Aids monkey (plus significant others)
The only way is moredon
Entrepreneur from London
Baringa boys
Reading based
After work pub bestest confidant
Lili and q10
From school
And anyone I have missed. I know you are one of them valentine monkey giver.

Them 3 seem like the most important things in hindsight. I hope you folk have something similar.

Another thing you can all guess is tattoos. Got my roses finished early. Thanks to Scott at mantra. X
I stole your picture again.

There is just one last thing that is truly awesome that will make me happy and that is sharing my weak lemon drink. Xx

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Dinosaurs come over on a Sunday.

Sunday is a thing of beauty that should not be taken for granted. Sunday is for laying in bed till late. Maybe braving the super market and then eating lots.

Viewing of a Sunday should be discovery channel related. This Sunday's viewing consists of Last Days of the Dinosaurs. Those reptile bastards were shit out of luck. If it wasn't a massive asteroid it was volcanos or tsunamis.

My Sundays are not normally anything noteworthy. This Sunday is the same. But I am feeling a whole heap of self loathing. More than I normally do. I have spent the day trying to convince myself that I don't care. That I can spend the rest of my life laying on the sofa devoid of emotion.

Laying on the sofa is something I am becoming expert at. Anytime now i could go pro and take the world on at laying down. Laying in bed at night and not sleeping or sleeping during the day would be my specialities.

During today's lay downs I have been thinking of reasons not to be depressed. #Waysnottobedepressed
- I have never been hit by an asteroid and/or been in a mass extinction event
- I don't have an ice cream headache
- Some people will eat them frozen jacket potatoes.
Frozen jacket potatoes are probably the pinnacle of laziness. Purely marketed at idiot folk to make them feel better for not eating chips with every meal.

The last thing that has helped me not get lost in the dark place this evening is knowing in a few days I will get tattooed again. My roses on my forearm will be beautiful and finished.

This next journey to the tattooerist shall be a road trip for me and cw. And the kids dad shall be popping down too. He is getting some work on his leg finished. I am sure he did it to laugh at me in pain.

If anyone else wants to come. Well, you can't but don't think I don't want you to.

Till we speak again in the future: live every day like its shark week. And don't watch The Last Lions on your own. You'll cry. Xx

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

False eyelashes and augmentation

I'm not skinny. Never call me skinny. Skinny infuriates me beyond belief. Don't tell me I need to eat more. Don't tell me the kid is skinny.
We are slim. It's our build.

You would never go up to an overweight lady and say "oi fatty put down the cake" so don't tell me I need to 'get some burgers down me'

My weight hangs around between 7-&-a-half and 8-&-a-half stone. Which is perfectly healthy for someone of my height. This is size 6-10 for those of you interested. I have never been on a diet and I accept that my weight will always change.

I have the same hang ups of all of the girls you or I know. My boobs are too small, my ass is too big, etc. But, this is what I have and I have to deal with it. I used to want a boob-job so very much. I had consultations with nurses and surgeons when I was younger. Now I am older, but probably not wiser, I wouldn't do it. The expense and the pain to fix something that essentially is not a problem. My boobs work. They make milk when needed, which is after giving birth.

The media portrays the 'real woman' to be what ever is in vogue at the moment and it is for the most unattainable. From the beautiful hour glass to the slim and athletic the media will pick its shape of the moment and tell us all we need to look like this. It will also tell us that if we are not this correct shape we can dress a certain way to fake this look. No part of the body has not been scrutinised.

False eyelashes are the thing of the moment. The idea of gluing hair to my face and even more specifically my eyes gives me the heebeejeebees. There are inventions such as false lash effect mascara. Why would we want to look false? Mascara is one of my favourite things. I will not leave the house without it (yea the media got me too) but to design specifically to make you look false baffles me.

Now I know I seem a bit hypocritical with the false as my hair is the colour of a hookers beaudoir. But that is the only thing that is not real about me.

So this is how I am:
Sometimes I can't be bothered to wax my legs
My thighs have cellulite
I have the boobs of a 12 year old
I have wrinkles
And my hair is frizzy
But I have had loads of fun getting this way. And I am still a real woman, I'll just probably not make it as a model. Darn

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Valentines day is not very good

I find I write better when I am having some kind of crisis.
I'm having a crisis right now. This panic attack has been going on for a good few hours now and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's gone midnight so I am sure I will knacker myself out in the next few hours. And I am really looking forward to my wake up calls tomorrow. Expect me to swear at you chaps.

To fill my time and distract me from my idiotic brain I have started reading philosophy again. I get lost in the words and theories. My current favourite place to get lost is the Internet encyclopaedia of philosophy. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to know where to look to see things from a different angle. Or baffle themselves so much that they forget what they were crying over.

I am reading about love tonight. It is themed philosophic night after all. I have been in love. 4 times. I think this makes me awfully lucky. I might be in love again one day. I hope so. It's such a jolly nice feeling. All warm and smushy.

I hope you have all got your significant others something suitably awful to celebrate this the most wonderful of Tuesday's. I again shall be hanging out with the kid watching her as she plays movie star planet and I say witty remarks on twitter. I am glad that this year is shall miss the ritual of the happy ladies trek to reception to pick up flowers from their dreamy other half.

That said I shall spend valentines day being extraordinarily jealous of your cohabiting and codependence and your coitus.

I am free to spend the evening playing cutlery on the sofa if anyone wants to make a last minute confession of undying love for me.

Love you all (but not like that)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Free form jazz, kittens and the infinite sadness

First a confession. T'was my birthday recently. I'm now a 29 year old single mum. Sorry for telling lies. Although if you ask me my age I will tell you I am 21 and you gosh darn better believe me. I'm planning my 30th party already. The dress code is black tie and converse, vans are banned (the shoes not the vehicles).

Depression, anxiety and all that jazz can be confusing. One minute i am trundling along happy as a happy thing and next minute I am like sadsack from the raggy dolls.

This time I saw the sadsack coming. Got to the doctors and am getting treated before the never ending nap began again. I have admittedly been sleeping a whole lot lately but not to the extent i did last time. And I have been out of bed on brief occasions to visit friends. I am handling it a lot better this time.

Now we all know my favourite thing to do is to get tattooed. So I did. I always feel an odd sense of happiness after I have been tattooed.
I have had the bottom half of my right sleeve started. Acting like Johnny big balls before I went in there I was sure I was gonna be ok to get this finished. 4 hours in and a lot of temper tantrums I had to give up. Getting tattooed hurts don't let anyone tell you otherwise they are liars. So now I need to go back and get it finished.

One of the things with getting your arm tattooed is that it's easier to trot round asda in a t-shirt that wear a jumper that will stick to Bepanthen. On my Sunday shopping trip the day after my tattoo I suddenly became aware of something I have not felt before. I was being stared at. It was odd and off putting. Suffice to say I left asda with red bull, chocolate hobnobs and not much else. A delicious Sunday lunch though.

The confusion comes in when the happiness pops up. I want to be happy, I want to be better. I don't wanna be the annoying mate that whines on about being down all the time. There has been one thing above all others these last few weeks that has made me smile like an idiot. But then I get the guilt. Again not a bad guilt. I still haven't murdered and I definitely have not raped. But a guilt that makes me question myself. Why should I be happy?

It keeps me awake almost every night and then my mind wanders which is why at 1.23am I am up writing this and not sleeping.

Night world, sleep tight.

P.S. I stole the pic from my tattooerist Scott Owen from Mantra Tattoo in Cheltenham. I hope you don't mind Scott.