Monday, October 29, 2012

for the sake of happiness

When should you give up what you believe for the sake of happiness?
I have taken a lot of them personality test things during my career, Belbin, MBTI, SDI.

Things that have said about me are:
A dynamic team-member
loves a challenge and thrives on pressure.
possesses the drive and courage required to overcome obstacles.
Seeks patterns in group work;
pushes group toward agreement and decisions
challenges others
Prone to provocation
Offends people's feelings

Let's just sum it up. I think I am right and I am going to argue the toss about it.

But, should I give up on some things. Should I say sorry for something, regardless of how I feel about it, to maintain happiness?

Ordinarily this would not be a question I would have to answer. I just don't tend to care. But this time I really do. I have been in a dark scary place for the past two days. I am struggling to function again. I want to be in bed far away from the world and iphones and twitter. My panic attacks have been so bad that my tablets are not touching them and I have barely slept. I was up at 4.30 this morning trying to contain my tears.

I have been hurt by the lack of trust in me and feel I have been tarred by the brush of the behaviours of others. It would be easy for me to plead forgiveness but for what? For being who I am?

I don't what to do now. Do I just chalk this one up to experience. I don't want to give up but maybe I have to. Is it true that the thing that attracts someone to you is the thing that makes them turn away? Is the start of a relationship doomed to be the thing that is held against you in the end?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Surviving a long distance relationship


When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.
Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

Friday, October 19, 2012

My opinion of My Tattoo Addiction

For those of you that did not see it My Tattoo Addiction was aired by Channel 4 in the UK. It was billed as "This uplifting, warm and often eye-watering documentary discovers, through candid interviews, what leads people to go under the needle, and how fixing a bad tattoo can mean facing more than just the physical reminder of your past."

Within the first 6 minutes I was at the verge of pulling my hair out from pure frustration. Apparently the film explores the world of tattoos. Is saw it more as exploring the world of 4 people who seems slightly unstable. It was not representative of the world I know or the friends I have made through tattooing. Of course it was real, these people are real and their tattoos are real. Of course these scratchers and crazies exist but that is exactly what the true artists in the industry are trying to get away from. It portrayed tattoed people as emotional wrecks and artists as money grabbing criminals for want of a better explanation.

Lets explore our protagonists.

The holiday rep with the cunt tattoo - This started out promising. The guy realised he had bent tattoos and they needed to be fixed. He went to a studio called Abracadabra. This studio was called the "go to studio for cover ups". Well I have never heard of it and it didn't look like the type of studio I would enter. A bit icky, if you know what I mean. All was going well, the chest cover up of a website address for a boat party in Ayia Napa ( was going well. Not amazing or breakthrough art but ok. Until it got to the point when our holiday rep turns up drunk. The artist was happy to carry on tattooing him. This artist I think is called Dave Fleet. Check out his gallery here.
I really don't know an artist that would be happy to tattoo a drunk customer.

The Miley Cyrus fan - This 39 year old man has 17 tattoos dedicated to 19 year old Miley. He has been getting them since his divorce in 2009. Now, I understand the point of his artist when he said "he is not harming anyone" but let us add a bloody big YET to that. This guy had what I can only describe as Psychotic tendencies. I have no doubt we will be seeing him again on crimewatch and the news at 10. The artist Stuart Rollisson once suggested we kill the managing director of a publishing company. What a super chap.

Then there was the crazy cat lady - This story gave me hope. She was in Spear Studio. oh huzzah. She was getting tattoos of her 5 dead cats (why does she keep killing cats). Ok she is forgiven I like my cats. OOOOOOOOOOHHHH NNNNOOOOOOOO. She has opened a tattoo studio in her house, Lucky Kitty Tattoo Arts, what an apt name . There is no mention of where she has apprenticed or if she has studied art at all. But them we see that she tattoos her dad. The end result is what we can only describe as a black blob. Please stop Fran. Please go and get trained properly.

We travelled to Ayia Napa as acccording to this documentary the is where "most young people have the opportunity to get there first tattoo abroad". Do they really? I am not sure this has been well researched. They people we saw getting tattooed are complete fucktards that seem to enjoy drinking all the jagerbombs in the land before sharing chamlydia with each other. I hated them. I hated them deep down in my soul. The guy doing these did not seem to care for are art. He seemed to care about making as much money as possible from the drunk fucktards that probably deserved to be ripped off.

Last of all was the tribal face dude - This guy told us he was a nice guy but also owned up to trying to shoot his mum. Sometimes I feel like shooting my mum but I am not going to actually try it. I like they way he thought that 2 black tribal scorpions was better than one. The artist used the term "the blood is pushing out the ink" I have come to believe this means he can't put black in solid.

What was the point me writing all this. Well, it is to get you to do a bit of research. If you want to watch programs about tattoos don't watch this bullshit, don't watch Miami, LA, NY or London ink. Seek out Tattoo Age or The Gypsy Gentleman.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Do not bother being sad

You mustn't ever be sad again as I give to you happiness. Pure and simple happiness.

Look at the cute kittens they have hats on. And for all you dog lovers I added something in for you too.

Whenever you are feeling down just open this page and you will feel a warm fuzzy feeling. The feeling that everything will be ok.

Why not try making your own happiness page. Just google kittens an away you go.

I love you guys.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Tim Shumate

Snow White

Pin up style Disney Princesses - How cool are these? Not sure how I found them this fine moring but they are great.

They are done but a guy called Tim Shumate check out his facebook page.

I have been thinking about my left sleeve for a while now. And I wanted just one piece as opposed to all the seperated peieces I have at the moment. I think I might go for something down these lines.

I do love a pin up girl and I do love disney films. Thinking maybe I might make Sally the centre pieced and add some more nightmare before Christmas stuff in there. So that is my pointless blog for today done.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Go fuck yourself

A harsh title maybe. But translate it. It means go masturbate. It will give you something to do because it turns out your lives are boring.

Sorry I was being mean there. Of course i love you my devoted readers. Well most of you. But i bet some of you are mean and say nasty things.

I'll give you an example. This text arrived in my inbox:
"my life is on track unlike yors going off the rails anti depressants live in a fucking dive thinking your now some rock persona ppl talk we all see it kirsty"

No lets not talk about the spelling or grammar, words is my job and it would upset me. Let's discuss the content.

Going off the rails - Not quite sure how. I have a full time job at a company I have been at for 8 years (ish) now. I don't own my flat but then who would want to. It is such a burden. But I have a roof over my head. Been here for 6 years. I don't have a lot of money but I have enough for me and the little lady to get by. I don't drink smoke or do drugs. I'm not really sure what these rails that I have gone off are.

Antidepressants - Not sure why this would be used against me in spite. I guess some people just can't accept mental health issues. I have been very unwell and scared when I have been depressed. Getting help has really helped me see the world differently. I have found it very hard to talk to anyone about it. It is so hard to explain that I am trapped in my head and cannot get out. I am not sad, i am not feeling a bit down I have lost the will to exist. Someone said to me today I was the happiest depressed person they know. I have rare moments of happiness, but I am not happy. I love laughing and I love having fun, doing things just because, but happy is not what I feel. Medicine is the best treatment for me right now.

Living in a dive - Dive: Informal, relaxed, "neighborhood" bar or restaurant. Sometimes cool, sometimes shitty.
I will be the first to admit that housework is not for me. I can't remember the last time I cleaned the car inside or out. Sometimes I will get the hoover out and then just get in bed cos I can't face it. yes I am a mess, but really a ghetto bar? It's not a working mens club in here. The floor isn't sticky. Well one time I spilt my redbull and that made a right awful sticky mess. I mopped it up though.

thinking your now some rock persona - no, no I don't. there is nothing rock and roll about me. I go to bed early. I drive a 206. I love tomato soup. I do bloody love shouty rock music but I also know all the words to Sclub7 - Reach. Do I look rock and / or roll maybe? I don't think I do. It's winter time. Hoodies and jeans for me. That's not rock. Unless they are leather studded hoodies. 

 ppl talk we all see it kirsty - Do they? Do they really? Well these are the ones that can go fuck themselves. I am sure they are not friends of mine if they think saying the above kinds of things are nice. They may be people on the outskirts of my life who think they know me. If up until this point they were my friends they now need to know that I do not need their negative influence on my life.

No wonder I'm fucking depressed.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Diary of a week in my life - 5-11 Oct

Friday 5 Oct - Sleeping out in probably monsoon conditions to raise money for Action for Children. Well maybe not monsoon but it did piss it down all night. We had no sleep, we were soaking wet and we were freezing cold but between the 2 water factories teams we have raised about £3000. Which i a massive woooooop. If you donated to our cause you should give yourself a massive high 5 as you rock. Take a look at the work Action for Children do and sign up for Byte Night 2013. I'll be there. We can whine in the rain together.

Saturday 6 Oct - this day mainly consisted of trying to catch up on all that missed sleep. It didn't really work out as my insomniac mind likes being awfully tired. Saturday evening lady jesko inssited on watching x-factor. Man that program is long. It goes on and on and on and on. I like none of the acts. Which was super. Well I did enjoy Rylan. Every year they need to have an unstable and unbleievably camp man that can barely sign. It's in the rules. I suppose I have to support the Jahmene dude as he is a hometown fellow. But I really don't care. Anyway Lady Jesko fell asleep half way through right in the middle of my bed. I stuck it out though.
Other things I could have done in 2 and a half hours include:
Fly to Spain
Clean my flat
Had lots of sex
Had a full body massage
Groomed a poodle

Sunday 7 Oct - Sunday is always an amazing day. This one was the same. It started with a lovely trip to asda. The food shopping for the week was completed and then I have a lovely pop to town. I haven't been to town since the dawn of time. I hate it there. All teenagers in skinny jeans and ne'er-do-wells in tracksuits. It is a weird mix of people. Imagine the cast of hollyoaks hanging around with the photofits from crime watch. This was an emergency. New underwear was needed. And it was purchased.

Monday 8 Oct - I spent my day synergising the low hanging fruit while thinking outside the box in a blue sky way to ensure the successful collaboration at a granular level. Yeah I have no clue what this means either but apparently it makes you sound really businessy.

Tuesday to Thursday can just be written off as nothing of any interest. Them days when nothing happens then you go to bed. I am sure I listened to a lot of Halestorm and drank lots of redbull. I also hung around on my fave forum on t'internet. Although it is annoying that there are many pictures of the ex on there. I think I shall start a petition to have him removed. ha. Spoke to the lovely sexiest man ever a lot. Had a crisis of confidence. It is about dumping time (see my track record) but everything is going fine. That's because he is awesome. I'm still shit at these things. Oh and finally got a right talking to by Parody Clothing. It was the team talk I needed to stop me being a cock. Yeah I was being a cock. I was told. I've stopped being a cock.

This all brings me to Friday 12 Oct - A scary and exiting day for me. I am having a photoshoot with Andrea Lavezzaro. Look her up. She is also know as Lavezzaro Suicide.
I can't wait. I shall report back on how it went. I was on the verge of chickening out at several points this week. And I sure between now and tomorrow my self esteem issues will make me wanna bin it off a few more times. I'm scared.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The sugar skull

I have been researching the meaning of the sugar skull: calaveras de azĂșcar. There are many different variations. I would like to throw my findings in the pot

The sugar skull
Sugar skulls are made from sugar (as the name suggests) They are used to decorate alters during the day of the innocents and the day of the dead (1 and 2 November). The days are used as an opportunity to celebrate the lives of friends and family members. It's a sad time in your life represented in a happy way.  

The sugar is the sweetness of life and the skull is the sadness of death. They usually have a name written on the forehead the honour a departed soul. The are decorated in a bright folk art fashion with big smiles and lots of sparkly things. Flowers symbolize life while cob webs symbolize death. Burning candles in eyes are a sign of remembrance.

In tattoos they are often combined with Catrina. Catrina is the skeleton of an upper class woman usually based on La Calavera Catrina.