Sunday, January 29, 2012

The girl with the matching tattoos

I will throw myself in. I do it a lot. I meet someone. I rant on to anyone who listens about how great they are and then they turn out to be a massive bender.

Sometimes throwing yourself in works. The kids dad and I made it to 7 and a half years. And now, even though we may occasionally hate each other when one or the other of us doesn't get our own way, we get on amazingly. I know that I could ring him right now, say "brush your teeth" and hang up and he would play along. (by the way kids dad brush your teeth)

Other times throwing yourself in will make you feel like a wreck of a person and endanger friendships that are so much more important that you realize at the time.

I am the girl with the matching tattoos, I lived the heartache of pining for someone that i threw myself in to. I pushed friends away and then sobbed on them when time and time again when i was let down. I won't cover the tattoos, I keep them to remind me, not only of all the awful things but of those amazingly happy times when it was only me and him in the world and all I could do was smile and be in love.

I would love to say I have learnt my lesson. I haven't. I will do it again but you never know the next one could last for a week, 7 years or forever.

I gave some tattoo advice last time and this time I have probably this most important piece I am going I say: don't get the matching tattoo and don't get pulled in by the curse of the name tattoo. Tattoo the memories and the things that make you happy. Don't tattoo the moment because in a second it could be over.

And next one. Don't be scared I'm not proposing marriage, just promising truth and if that scares you off then it wasn't meant to be.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Friday night with music

Its Friday night, I am sure loads of you are out there having a super great time. I am at home switching between Kerrang and MTV Rocks whilst getting annoyed at the channels inbetween and occasionally stopping at Q when they have the odd good track. I will keep you up to date with the playlist.

Foo fighters - the pretender

My first thing I want to tell you all about is the response to my writing. I never in a minute expected this response to it. I started it 7 weeks ago on the advice of a super awesome entrepreneur and friend. At the time of me writing this I have had 786 views. That has really touched me. And the nice things people have been saying about it has had me in tears (the good kind). Being called brave and an inspiration are really not things I would expect to hear. I am so happy I can connect with you guys. And the person that called me 'fuckin amazin' I think the same of you. Thank you for opening up to me.

Led Zepplin - Kashmir

Something I have learnt from the messages I have received and the people I have spoken with is that I am not alone in this crazy, mixed up mental illness we call depression. People have commented to me that they never expected me to be sick in this way. I can see exactly their point when you guys open up to me and tell me you feel the same and you are taking X or Y tablets for it. I never expected my honesty to mean so much to you. I will never tell anyone the things you have told me, they are our secrets.

Lady Gaga - you and I
Muse - plug in baby

I want to also say thanks to Q10. Q10 has been amazing. I have had such a hard week. I can't pinpoint the exact reasoning but I have felt myself slipping backwards. It feels so hard to breathe sometime. I have spent the week in a state of total panic which is not going away. You know that feeling when you have butterflies in your tummy and your heart is pounding. I have been like that almost constantly except them few hours when I sleep.

Rihanna - we found love
Thanks for all the tattoo love. The next one is already planned and will be with us in 4 weeks. A lot of you have asked me for advice. All I can say is: research your artist, travel if you have to and pay good money. A cheap tattoo is a shit tattoo. I have a few of them myself. And if you are going to inflict pain and suffering on yourself in the name of art please invite me. Especially if you are going to Mantra in Cheltenham, I love these boys they are probably the best people you will come across in your life - go give them your money! (this is not an advertisement, maybe go to Wood Street instead)

Motorhead - ace of spades
You me at six - the consequence
Guns and Roses - sweet child of mine
Rizzle kicks - mama do the hump

The above list of tracks make me seem like I am really slow at typing,  I'm not, I was on twitter. Some of you even recieved a text during this interval.

Jessie J - Price tag
Tenacious D - Tribute

Seeing as we are doing thanks I wanna thank the super lady who bought me a ticket to see Ed sheeran, this will be amazing. And I wanna thank you, you know who you are, you are my favourite person right now! Oh and get me, I have been off the drink for over 4 weeks now!!!

Peace out for now dudes. You know where I am, probably at home, if not at SDs house, at the garage buying redbull, work, the liden, or on twitter @kirstytelling

Biffy clyro - the captain

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Thanks guys - it means I love you in sign language

I want to say thanks to all readers for sending me such kind messages.

Who would have thought that just telling you all the truth and sharing all the things that I think of till the early hours would prompt such a response.

I will try to not get too surreal on you but i will keep saying things how I see them.

And i will probably broach most subjects. Of course if you happen to be included in one of these tales I shall not mention your name. Some people who are close to me in my life may be able to figure out who I mean. I trust these people will not name names.

If you want to break your anonymity and tell people i am writing about you I will take no exception to it.

But basically dudes you are great and thanks. Xxxx
Also keep saying nice things

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The most beautiful kid in the world

I have the most beautiful kid in the world. And i am not saying it in the normal mum way, she is beautiful. You can't argue this. Just look at the pictures. They are not professional pictures just me and her hanging out watching f1. Her favourite driver is Jenson Button, just like me. She thinks he is gonna win this year. We will see come 16th March.

She is 8 now. I am not sure I am old enough to have an 8 year old.

I now have the fear. The fear that my little lady is growing up. There is nothing wrong with her growing up. But the fear is she will grow up into someone I don't recognise. I want her to be a free spirit. I actively encourage her to continue with her art that makes her happy. We spend a lot of time listening to music. I am always trying to force the awesomeness of the foo fighters on her and explaining why one direction are actual morons.

The other thing that is looming out there in the future, like a squirrel with a machine gun, cute but dangerous, is boys. We have a deal that she will not have a boyfriend until she has finished her a-levels. She agrees to that at the moment but she is not yet one of them horrible little bastards called teenagers.

Wish me luck!

Why I hate Facebook.

So Facebook has turned into my mortal enemy in the last few weeks.

I love the idea of Facebook. Being able to connect with the important people in your life no matter where they are in the world. However this is not what it is used for.

A friend of mine calls it bragbook. Which is entirely true, 'look at me, look what I have'. I know of a girl that would genuinely get upset about what she saw on facebook as she would compare it to her life and I can only assume it made her feel like a failure.

Another reason for Facebook use is 'oh my god I am so fun'. Endless check ins at various locations, usually trendy bars with thousands of pictures of you having yet another great night out with your mates who are 'actual legends' (yup that's in there). I have done this myself. Not in a very long time I may add. But I have done it. And I am a massive French shower for doing it.

I am not saying i do not go on Facebook. I do. It fills that bit of blank space in my day when I just feel I need to know what people i probably wouldn't even speak to in the street are having for dinner. And I love nothing more than to look at endless pictures of kids because no one cares more about your kids than someone you went to school with.
I also update my status some recent examples are:
-excited to see scott Owen tomorrow. And if he bombs me off it's only fair that I get to tattoo him
-you're all cunts
-yeah i'm a bloody pirate...

Recently I have found Facebook over run with opinion:
- opinion is a subjective belief, and is the result of emotion or interpretation of facts.
- fact is something that has really occurred or is actually the case.

So, as I have mentioned, or as those of you that know me are aware I have a lot of tattoos. These tattoos are mine and I love every last one of them. I would hazard a guess that if I walked past you in the street, especially during working hours that you would not see them. If you so happen to see any of my tattoos, maybe by standing across the street in the bushes staring in my bedroom window or by seeing me at a weekend you can form an opinion of them. If its a nice opinion tell me, if you wanna discuss the artist or even the meaning I will do this. If however your opinion is not nice, if you think my tattoos are stupid, or you want to tell me that I shouldn't have got any of them then I would like to tell you this now: fuck off.
There really is no need to share your negative opinion with me. It achieves nothing. If you have a fact to tell me that is negative such as "hey kirsty that tattoo on your left arm is poorly executed and has blowout" you are welcome to do so.
Now even worse is that you don't have any tattoos and you want to tell me you don't like them. Or on the other hand you do have tattoos but you seem to think you have been put in charge of tattoos, you type of people can shut the fuck up and fall down a well for all I care.

Back to Facebook- I usually put a few pics of my tattoos on Facebook for people like my mother to see. I rarely see her and I am sure she would be interested. These pictures seemed to stir up a lot of opinions. Some nice. Some not so nice. So when yesterday I got 4 new tattoos I took the decision to not put any pics on Facebook.

However there is a twist, I was dared by 12 of my friends to get there names tattooed on me. Not one to turn down a dare but not wanting to waste valuable leg room I got their 12 initials down the back of my left leg.
A pic of this was sent to my friends and one put it on Facebook. This is where the comments started. People sharing their negative opinion of what I should or shouldn't do with my life and my skin. A lot were sent to me privately so as not to show the world what utter twunts the senders are.
I will keep these private, for now.

I would leave Facebook but then how would I find out the hot guy I am in Internet love with is single (probably twitter actually).

So to sum up a quote from a status update i put out there a while ago

Be nice to each other or I will send the bigger boys round.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Rainbows, unicorns and depression

Ok I lied about the rainbows and unicorns but that was so you would be drawn in by pretty shiny things. Now you are this far you might as well keep reading.

I got formally diagnosed with depression by a GP near on a year ago. This was a huge relief for me.

Before I was diagnosed I was a drain on my friends and family. They would tell me to cheer up or get over it. But I couldn't. It was so hard to explain why I couldn't just be happy. Of course I laughed and smiled through it all but inside I felt like I could no longer go on.

I take medication for my illness. This is another one of those things I do which is frowned upon. People don't like to think of depression as an illness. But I assure you, I have seen it from the other side and it is. I can't imagine anyone saying "oh you've got a headache, you don't need any painkillers, just get over it" but they do with depression.

Before I took the step to find help i felt trapped. Like being in a hot sauna and there was no door. After a few weeks of medication I felt so much better. Like the pain had numbed. It's still with me and it still keeps me awake at night. I still have days when I hate everyone and everything but I can manage my way through them as I know there is a way out.

Now antidepressants. They are interesting. Imagine every side effect possible from a medicine. And then imagine the exact opposite of them. This would probably be the whole list. Some fun examples are:
Increased libido. Decreased libido
Needing to urinate. Being unable to urinate
Being hot. Being cold.
Feeling a state of calmness. Agitation and nervousness.
Constipation. Diarrhoea.
Sleepiness. Difficulty sleeping.

You get the point.

They also advise you not to drink. I chose on more than one occasion to ignore this advice. And I have spent he next few days regretting my decision. I have been kicked out of pubs, abandoned by friends and completely embarrassed myself.

I am now a non drinker. I am pleased to say this. I feel really good about it. You will still see me out as much as you did before, cos I love pissing about with my mates, but you will not see me drink any alcohol. And no you can't have a lift home. Get a taxi!

Saying this though I do have a lot of vodka and wine in my house that you lot are more than welcome to. But don't touch my sailor jerrys. There may be a night sometime in the future where rum is the answer.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

All my tattoos

I have tattoos. Currently I have 16 or 15.

The maths involved is as follows:
Right leg 3. This shall be my flowery 'sock'
Middle finger left hand 1. Coming out though
Stomach 2. My beautiful swallows by Shaun bonanas
Left arm 2: one one my 13s and something rubbish
Right arm 4: eventually this will be my sleeve by Sam ricketts
Left ribs 1: seemed like a good idea
Back 3: tribal shit from being 18. Kids name. And a beautiful anchor and ship piece.
Left leg: ha-pea

This coming weekend i shall be adding 3 more to my collection. I love every single one of my tattoos and they all have stories that will probably bore you but I will share each one in time.

This weekend Scott Owen at Mantra Tattoo will be adding a robot with a ghetto blaster to my left leg. I have decided this will be my leg of fun stuff that makes me smile.
The robot is saying beep and was drawn entirely by my beautiful kid. She doesn't want to get any tattoos. I find that surprising as I have so many but i look around me and I live in a world where there are very few tattoos on show and the ones that are are little 'girly' ones.

As I am more tattooed than most in my world I come in for a lot of criticism.

'you'll be covered soon' - that's the point

'how will you look when you are a nan' - who said the kid is having a kid

'what happens when you get married?' - I am 29 and very much single. I can't see love heading this way anytime soon. And if it ever does I am sure my future imaginary husband will have seen my tattoos and know what he is in for.

My favourite though came from a complete stranger at one of them terrible corporate Christmas parties "I like your tattoos, don't get anymore though". I was very much confused by this statement and just replied with "thanks for showing me the error of my ways. I was lost before I found you"

Let's get back to that imaginary husband. I cannot imagine he would not have tattoos. When I am in that dream land between awake and asleep where the depression can't get you I see him and he has loads of tattoos. And not them trendy chino wearing trendy ones. Beautiful pieces of art by amazing artists as well as the ones that hold all the memories. Just like mine.

All I can say is my love of this art form has lead me to meet some people in my life that I wouldn't have normally come across. Every new tattoo I get makes me feel more and more like me and less and less like the girl who who once spent 2 solid weeks in bed either sleeping or crying.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Strange pangs

I have these strange pangs of guilt that keep me awake at night. Nothing horrendous. I haven't killed anyone. But about being a single mum.

See I am a rare breed. I am a single mum. But, I work full time. I don't know of many of me. I am sure they are out there some where. But I don't know them.

Add to this my place of work is 40 miles away from my house. It makes for some "late" nights. Now I don't mean that I am getting home at midnight. I just mean I am losing valuable kid time to the motorway.
And this bothers me.

The other pang is the petrol bill that comes with this. £70 a week. Not massive compared to them highly paid executive, Audi driving, business bitches out there. I am not one of these bitches

But alas this money takes away from my 2 favourite things- the kid and getting tattoos.

These pangs are little devils. They wake me at 3am and cause me headaches like you won't believe. But I hope the kid grows to understand that maybe I am not around as much as other mums but I go out to work so we can pay our own way. We are skint all the time. But Spring is coming and that means tree climbing and running round fields. Free fun is probably the best fun.