I know entirely that I do not want a relationship (now) with someone that lives in this fair town. I can’t stand the thought of someone just turning up at my door, or demanding my time at short notice. Of course I am all for whimsy. Whimming is how I get through life which explains my ever changing hair colour, which is often done on a whim.
Still, I am so accustomed to my own space that I think I need a whole towns worth of space. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I want to be all on my own for the rest of my life. I don’t. Just right now I think long distance is for me. Or even medium distance. I don’t have a secret life that I would want to hide from any future significant other. In fact, I am all up for sharing all the skeletons in my closet.
I want to escape this wee-wee soaked heck hole on the weekends. Go on adventures around the country. Yes, I know I can do that with a chap from here. I don’t want to tar all the chaps with the same brush but in general in this town they have big fish syndrome. They think they are big fish, they can go out on a Saturday night and know someone in every pub they go in. But let us not forget this is a small town.
All this thinking and talking with some Sg ladies made me think of Blue Eyes. Not thought of him in a long time. That was long distance. That made me so happy. But looking back now I should have known it would end badly. Everyone said so, I was just too besotted to listen. The things I know now make it so obvious he was sleeping with the woman he left me for when we were still together. That still hurts bit I am no longer bitter about it. I hope he is happy out there doing whatever he does. Our paths will never cross again. And that is for the best.
It seems strange looking back on relationships now. how I behaved in them and towards the people around me. How I have learnt. There is still that one that plagues the back of my mind at night with what ifs. But the sensible me knows there was that one thing that would have ended it all eventually. It's not good that it ended when it did, I was a broken woman. and the way it ended was horrific. But it's done and them 6 months of happiness I wouldn't change for the world.
So here is to the future. I do hope it starts this weekend.