Monday, November 17, 2014


I have always said my life is just me stumbling from one calamity to the next.

Right now I am so despondent. I can't believe how much my self esteem has suffered in just a week. I haven't been sleeping properly which is making me so tired during the day. I can't bring myself to do my hair or make up. I don't see the point.

Tomorrow the kid is 11. I have been working full time since she was 1. That was never easy. I missed out on so much. But I was always lucky that my sister helped me so much with childcare. 

I always wanted to work. I wanted to provide all the awesome things and experiences in life for the kid. It's never really worked out perfectly. There has always been a broken car or a gas bill to pay. 

Now though I feel further away from any of the things I wanted for me and her. 

It's been a horrible week. It's only going to get worse. 

It is the times like these when I wish I wasn't alone. But my mind keeps pissing me off 

"hey, hey Dougal, why would anyone be interested in your life, you don't have a job" 
"Oi Dougal, don't bother texting that boy, he has loads of women in his life, he doesn't need you"
"Yeah right, like you can do that job"

God I sound fucking miserable, well I am. 

I say it every year, I hate christmas! Well this year I think I mean it more than ever. 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Confusing people

I don't know if it's just me but I don't understand people. 

They confuse me with complex behaviour that I can't get my head around. 

I always have and always will wear my heart on my sleeve. "This is me and this is how I feel". 

It's so much easier to just say the thing on your music mind or answer the question directed at you than skirt round an issue. But maybe I am going about things wrong. 

I'm socially awkward. I don't get the conventions. I just want to laugh and be happy.

Laughing is the bestest. 

Monday, November 3, 2014

Dear person I like

Now what angle do I take with this? Is it the person I like, the person who is my friend. Or the person I like, you know, like like.

Based on my usual writings it should really be the latter.

"Dear person I like,

I am not sure if you know the little smiles you bring to my day. The pictures and texts I get just add a little happiness to what can be an otherwise monotonous day.

When thinking of the little time we spent together its the laughter that is most apparent. Or is that me just laughing at my own jokes like I usually do?

I am not saying I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am not saying you're the one. I just want to spend more time with you and to know you better.

You remain remote and casual enough but every now and then I get the feeling there may be something more. It's a cycle I know only too well, and as usual I hope it works out and becomes something more."

After the crappy interactions I have had with chaps of late I am happy to just sit back and watch this unfold, or maybe not unfold. 

I have really laid my soul bare on this one. There isn't really anything to bear. 

I think I will revisit this. Consider this a post of no interest.

alternate text

Monday, October 20, 2014

Dear person I hate

The purpose of this blog is becoming less clear with time. It started as an outlet for the ickyness of depression. It has become since then a random mess of all my thoughts. I don't suppose that is a bad thing but maybe I should have more direction in my writings. Or maybe not. Maybe you lot like hearing about my ever failing love life. 

Well on the love life front there is nothing to report since happy place. I do miss him desperately sometimes. I will not try to win him back, I do not want him back. But I miss that person I laughed with all those months. Still, life goes on and I have chosen to ignore all the negativity that I feel gets unfairly filtered in my direction. 

I don't tend to do those internet challenges you see pop up. 100 days of happy. Monthly photo challenge. Etc. This one interested me though. The 15 day letter challenge. I'm not going to do them all, some would be wrong to be published on the internet. I do have some boundaries you know. But I will have a go at some.

So the first is Dear person I hate.

I don't hate anyone. It's too much effort to hate anyone. There are a lot of people who I dislike. But my feelings for them are so inconsequential that time spent thinking about them is time wasted. Time I could be spending right now reading World War Z and then getting overly paranoid about Ebola. 

So maybe this first one should not be Dear person I hate, maybe it should be dear person that I no longer need. From friends whose lifes took a different turn and drifted away, to the people that hurt you that you no longer need. For reasons that probably neither of us remember we don't talk any more. We don't spend all that time together anymore. But I don't see it as a bad thing. It is a shame that things can't be like the used to. That is what happens though. People change, ideals change, lives change. 

One thing you can't escape are those memories that catch you off guard. Those little things in life that remind you of happy times and sad times also remind you of the people that made you happy and for whatever reason are no longer in it. 

The song that you all sang before every night out in the far away city.
The smell of the aftershave he uses drifting across from a stranger on a adjacent pub table. 
The silly sayings you made up on that holiday in the sun. 

All these things can make you nostalgic. But your life is not in that place anymore.

Enough with the looking back now. I don't think I need to look forward either though. I just need to be right here. Doing the things I want to do right now. Being happy with all I have and the people that turn up in my life and make me laugh till I cry but never want to make me cry. 

This isn't the way I thought this post would turn out. But I guess this isn't the way I thought my day, week, month or year would turn out. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Blue eyes and happy place

Have you ever spent any time with a stand up comedian?

They are one person in the real world, but the minute they walk in to a comedy club they change. They put up front that is pretty much impenetrable.

This was blue eyes. He was two people. The one I knew and the one he portrayed to his public and fans.

The one I knew was all of the things I was looking for. So I admit it, since I he left me I have been hung up on him. Looking to replace the relationship.

When I found happy place I saw he same qualities in him, the person I wanted to make a future with, the public front, the mental state and the baggage. It really was a bad idea to get involved. But I did. And we all know how that turned out.

The more I look back on both situations the more similarities I see.

I get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see either name. But after reflection it's the not the same feeling. It's not the same bitter annoyance of 'what if?' It's a sad feeling that these men that said they loved me  either lied or didn't love me enough for me to be worth it. 

A wise man once said "two crazies don't make a right". That wise man couldn't be more right. 

That advice has finally made a marked difference in my outlook when it comes to all matters of the heart. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Careful with your words

The sad death of Robin Williams had led to a public outpouring of grief. It is a deeply upsetting thing for anyone to take their own life. But lucky for us the internet is there to hold our hands with the meme.

I noticed the one below earlier this week.

Now I want to state, what I am about to say is based on my own experiences, opinions and life.

The one thing I take most from the death of Robin Williams is the increased awareness of depression, anxiety, addiction and Parkinson's disease. 

For us or anyone to say someone is happy or unhappy is us projecting an emotional state on to someone. Happy, sad, angry, sorrow are emotions. Emotional dispositions are character traits. Depression is an illness, a medical term.

Depression is not feeling sad, it is not being a bit miserable. It can and does change your life. It makes everything harder to do from getting up in the morning to doing simple tasks such as paying bills or doing the vacuuming. It makes life seems less worthwhile and can make you want to give up the will to live. And it can make you suicidal. 

Depressed people don't want to be depressed. Well not the ones I know anyway. They want to be happy. On the whole they can be happy but still live with depression. 

I don't want to bleat on and on as I no longer want mental illness to define me or the relationships I have. Just a word of caution, be careful with the language to use. Monday mornings aren't depressing, the are just moments in space-time that occur and then pass. Your good friend isn't avoiding your phone calls because they are miserable, they are genuinely struggling with an illness.

RIP Robin Williams - Your memory will live on in all the happiness you brought Generation X and Y.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Accept, change, leave

How do you do?

When I last wrote I said no more sad. And for the most part I have been achieving that. I have had moments when I have sat and stared in to the abyss and wished it all away but they have been few and far between. 

I've been dealing with my problems a lot better. Instead of ignoring the crap and hoping it goes away I have been looking for meaningful solutions or in the case of many things, just solving the problem. I even got my car fixed (with a little help from big sis).

When I talk of sad things I mean the things that were sent to try us. I do not mean depression. Depression is an illness that requires medical treatment. Sadness is the feeling you get when you come home and realise the dogs have eaten yet another pair of beautiful shoes. 

Eckhart Tolle said, and I paraphrase, if you don't like something accept it, change it or leave. I thought about this for a long time over the weekend. Changing certain things is not an option so I am choosing to accept them. 

Hurt feelings, upset, anger are just moments in time, phenomenons if you will. Accept that they happened and move on. I can't change the past, I cannot change them moments. But I can decide not to dwell. 

Well what about leaving? If staying in a situation will cause me to keep having these moments of sadness then I will leave. It is almost inevitable that things will be better, things will change of their own accord. Change is the only constant in this life but change is in the past once it's happened. 

I am happy now. In the moment. In the now. With friends who love me. With people who care. 

I'm not cured. I am clinically depressed. I will sometimes walk in to work shaking and close to tears because facing the day has been an almost insurmountable challenge. But I will have made the decision to accept that feeling, leave the house and try and change my outlook. 

That's all I can do. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The business of misery

Sometimes you can be consumed by your own grief, your own sadness, your own woes. You don't notice life that is going on right in front of your face. You don't see the opportunities pass you by. 

It's like; nothing is more important than your own misery. 

For the past 2 weeks I've been this person. Wallowing in a low that I should have known I was letting myself in for. 

They say it comes in threes. I don't really believe that. It's just all merely coincidental. I think I can count at least five things that have been sent to try me. It's been a shit fortnight. 

Yesterday I took the puppies and we went out to get lost in the woods and the fields. It's so quiet out there. Away from the noise of traffic and TVs. Away from Facebook and 4g. Just me strolling along and the pups running around so much that they probably cover six times the distance I do. 

Whilst out there I did a bit of reading of the stuff I written before. One thing stuck out "I'm the happiest depressed person you could ever meet". So I listed my problems. 

Don't worry I won't bore you with them all.

I didn't get solutions per se. But I did face the facts:
I've always been skint, I'll always be skint no point in worrying about that.
My car always breaks down. Regardless of whether it was tampered with or not, it was due another couple of hundred quid shamelessly thrown at it. 
I was a prick when I was a teenager, it's only fair that the kid acts the same sometimes.
I shouldn't be sad that I'm not enough for him. I should be grateful for the happiness I had, however shortlived.

I think the thing that finally kicked me out of this funk was the hope, in some little way, I inspired someone to do something fucking awesome this week. 
#cravatcrew #humansforever

So no more misery. No more sad. The happiest depressed person you could meet. After all, I am the funny one. What would you all do without me... 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

All or nothing

I had to do something last Thursday. Something that has been playing on my mind ever since. 

If I hadn't have done it I know I would be so much more broken right now. 

I had been talking to him for a few days, we were being amicable. It was fun to be able to speak to him again. I missed laughing with him over silly things other people probably wouldn't get. 

But something happened. He made a pinky promise to me. Over something really silly. He had done this before. We had done this before. I meant my promise. I hope he had. But he didn't keep it. 

It bothered me. I kept thinking on it. I told him I love him. He said he loved me too. But he also said it changes nothing. 

My heart sank so low as I knew right there I had lost faith in this man whom only a few days before I thought was perfect. 

I tried to carry on with the jovial chats but I couldn't. I knew I would go on hoping for things to change to go back to the time when I could just sit there in his house just me and him and be happy in what I thought was our own little world. 

Without that confidence and trust in his promises it was now futile to hope.

So I said it. "All or nothing". He said he want to be friends. The man I love and who said he loved me too wants to be friends. 

We haven't spoke since. I miss him dearly. But in a quiet little corner of my mind I know I have said what I needed to say, I want it all with him. And I have done what I needed to do, backing away from that sense of endless longing and loss of control. 

I feel different now though. That feeling of being honest with my emotions has gone. I no longer want to put myself in the position where this could potentially happen again. I think the hopeless romantic in me would rather keep my heart and soul introverted. But it seems, it is easier that way. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Feeling like soggy bread

If I have learnt anything from the past two and a half years of writing here it's that life is too short to not say the things that are important to you.

I think they have all been said now. While I am quite cut up about the boy stomping quite considerably on me, I have come to terms with it. Ok, not quite cut up, abso-chuffing-lutely gutted.  I've said my piece, got my feels and motions out. I did the crying, I asked him to reconsider and I hoped for the best. I love him and my heart is broken, it will be for a while.

I've tried to have a different outlook on things this week. It has been an adjustment not talking to him everyday. I've missed that a lot. However, I have not just been laying face down on the sofa crying and dribbling in to the cushions.

I know I was doing fine on my own, hanging out with the kid, playing in the fields with the puppies. He added to that, he was my happiness on the end of the phone or my place to escape to. I just don't think all I had to offer was enough for him to feel the same. It is not my place to change his mind on these things. I will, in time, support his decision.

I've become a pro at break ups now. They happen all the time. If you want some advice on being dumped our how to be a pro at cutting people out do ask. One bit of advice to those that are the dumpee and not the dumper; you can only lose what you cling to. Don't prolong the pain by trying to cling to someone who doesn't want you. 

While I know I will feel like soggy bread for a while, and I know he made daily life better, I also feel at peace to know I can go back to where I was before. And where I was before is perfectly acceptable.

Friday, July 4, 2014

I wish I hadn't

No sooner than I work up the guts to admit I have found this beautiful happy place in the world it gets taken away from me. 

When I find someone I connect with. That I can laugh with. Be that a friend or more, I feel relief. It's rare I find that and more significant that I want to tell someone they are perfect. 

I admit I am not easy to get along with. I'm hugely sarcastic. I'm obsessive about the use of the English language. I like ridiculous clothes, cartoons and things in general. 

I feel I am a lonely soul. I don't want to give too much away because my pessimistic mind feels it will end in failure. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself get wrapped up in potential happiness in the future. The moment was enough. I feel guilt that I wanted more.

Now, according to I only have a 69% of getting married. Not that I am obsessed with marriage. I think I would look utterly ridiculous in a wedding dress. But that is a shit percentage. 

Keeping up the miserable facts. If I want to have a another kid my chances decline after 35 and I am more likely to have complications in pregnancy. Not that I have considered another kid. 

It's sad to think that maybe in another 5 years I will be still sat here on my bed writing stories about how once again I have been unlucky in love.

I gave up fighting long ago. These decisions are not mine to change. Not that I don't want to fight for this. I do. Every piece of me wants to beg for him to reconsider. But I can't let myself in for more hurt. 

A lot can happen in four hours. Unfortunately for me the past four hours have left me heart broken. 

A 2011 study demonstrated that the same regions of the brain that become active in response to painful sensory experiences are activated during intense experiences of rejection or loss. 

I feel that pain. I can honestly say that I never expected it and I know I never want to feel it again. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

My heart on my sleeve

Since formally being diagnosed with a mental illness in January 2012 I have taken many steps to keep my mind coherent, to avoid the day dreams and nightmares of self loathing and thoughts of failure. 

I felt like I reached a plateau with this like it couldn't get better or worse. Like it just is what it is now. 

My medication is at the lowest it's ever been. Subsequently my waistline had expanded, but swings and roundabouts hey. 

But something has changed that. My mind feels foggy. I keep questioning my self, my work, my decisions. I've gone from being wary to mistrustful. 

"I used to care what people thought
But now I care more
Man nobody out here's got it figured out
So therefore, I've lost all hope of a happy ending
Depending on whether or not it's worth it
So insecure, no one's perfect" - childish gambino 

It's such a sad feeling, being on guard. It's not how I like to interact. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve. To be brutally honest whether good or bad. 

Right now I just want to get in to bed and not face anyone. It's been a struggle for a few weeks now to put on a shiny happy face.

There have been happy moments. Moments hidden away from the world in a place where no one knows me. I've been wishing they could be longer but real life takes over and I have to return to normality. 

I truly wish that I had a mind that could be occupied by only thoughts of the fun times and the positives. Or even a healthy balance of the good or bad. That i could feel more like I feel when I am hidden away. 

I don't want sympathy. I could have things so much worse. But I do want those people closest to me to know that I'm not hiding away from them. I'm hiding away from me. 

Friday, May 30, 2014

A reply to 10 Struggles Of Being Not Fat, But Not Skinny Either.

I challenged a business lady to rewrite a post called 10 Struggles Of Being Not Fat, But Not Skinny Either. There were 7 Awesome Points available. Well, she flipped it and challenged me to do it.

After reading the post it seemed to me that me that Samantha Matt, the author, was just a bit whiny. She is one of those new breed of journalists that writes lists of things eg. 17 things to make you happy, 13 things to stop feeling ashamed of, 60,000 ways to feel more womanly, 9 lists of lists with numbers.

Let's digest her 10 struggles.

1. Analyzing the “You look so thin!” comment on a picture.
If you need to analyse (see how I spelt it there with a S not a Z, silly murica) a comment on a picture you may have some deep-seated issues that require medical assistance. No seriously. A picture is just a moment in time. It is just what you happened to look like in that very second. The variables of light, angles, distance and photography skills created a constant memory. That is not how you look. If someone comments that you look thin say thanks, if you are thankful. If you are not then thankful don't comment.

2. Eating with people you’re not close with.
This isn't a struggle. So you are eating with work chaps or acquaintances, eat what you like. To be constantly fretting about what others are eating or what they may think of your choices of food is no way to live your life. Just don't spill it down your front as everyone will think you're an idiot and social outcast. They will cut you out of conversations until you choose to leave early so they can all have fun in their clean clothes. Silly spiller.

3. Choosing an outfit to wear out on a weekend night.
I am going to list my problems with this particular struggle.
i. Looking good doesn't mean tight fitting clothes
ii. Every person: male, woman, fat, thin and all things in-between, will struggle with an outfit for going out-out
iii. Questioning an outfit doesn't mean you feel, you look, or are, fat. It means wearing a wedding dress on a first date is probably a bad idea.
iv. This. All of this. God it's awful "The only thing that can change this is when a guy says “I would fuck you in that. ” A guy wouldn’t openly say that he would fuck a fat girl. So it must mean you don’t look fat. Right?" Why, why, why Samantha?? Why do you hate women so much? Why is fat so offensive to you? Why do you care that a man wants to fuck you? That's not a compliment.

4. Buying jeans.
The problem with buying jeans is in no way telling people what size you are. It is about the bleakness of a day spent in various changing rooms trying to keep that bloody curtain that doesn't quite fit closed. Looking in all them mirrors of various angles and noticing your hair looks a bit shit from 45 degrees to the left. It's about them lights that make you notice you are not all that great at applying foundation. It's about going in shops, which I hate. Size is really irrelevant these days. I'll prove it. In Miss Selfridge I am size 8, in H&M I am size 14. Wear what fits you and feels good, not what has the correct number on a label.

5. Wondering what guys refer to you as.
I will put this simply - Who gives a fuck? Seriously.

6. Taking your cover up off at the beach.
I don't think this is the worse thing ever. There are worse things. What about famine, war, or noticing you are out of loo roll after a poo.
You are at the beach. Everyone is in swim wear. No one is looking at you as they are thinking about their own insecurities or better still having a lovely time.

7. Deciding whether or not to eat free food at work.
There is really no reason to live your life in fear of whether or not to have cake at work. The simple answer to this is: if there is free cake, biscuits or sweets on offer, have some. Don't sit at the designated cake desk and eat it all. But just have some. If you really are concerned why not suggest a healthy buffet day. Everyone likes a healthy buffet. Or a better suggestion is, get on with your work and stop wasting your time fretting over cookies.

8. Losing and gaining weight.
If you are worried about putting on 2 pounds have a poo. If you are worried about losing weight have some of that cake you were offered at work.

9. Trying to figure out what guy(s) are actually interested in you at the bar.
I am going to put this out there. Maybe, just maybe people are talking to you just because some people are just nice. It's a shock I know, but some people are. Maybe they don't want to sleep with you are your mates. Maybe they just fancied a chat. But, if they do want to sleep with you are your mates that is fine too. I maintain my view on this, you really shouldn't sleep with people you have just met at a bar. If you live by that rule you'll probably just have a nice chat instead of worrying if they will see your cellulite later that evening.

10. Explaining to people that you’re staying in because you… just wanna lose 3 pounds.
You are staying in because you want to lose weight? Now that is just ridiculous. Why not just exercise some self control. You really don't need to drink non-stop red bull vodkas and eat late night pizza. If you really don't think you are adult enough to control yourself then be the designated driver. Then you have no choice.

So there it is. Not really a rewrite, but a reply. Sometimes these list things are really not good for the soul.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


I have seen a lot of awful advice about juice/juicing lately.
Whilst juicing is a quick and easy way to get one or two of your 5-a-day it should not be relied on our used to "detox" or diet.
Here are some quick facts:
  • Juice can be used as part of a healthy lifestyle, it is not however a miracle cure. 
  • Although fruit/vegetable juice counts toward your recommended daily dose, it contain less fibre and does not fill you up like whole fruit/vegetables.
  • Fruit juice is high in fructose (sugar) - simple carbohydrates that provide extra calories and quickly raise your blood sugar levels.
  • 240ml of natural, no-added-sugar fruit juice can contain up to 6 teaspoons of sugar
  • Fruit juices especially those high in citric acid cause acid erosion that weakens tooth enamel.
  • Jesse Dallas who promotes responsible juicing recommends "Juicing responsibly means you might only drink half a pint of vegetable juice daily"
  • On a juice-only diet, you may not get enough protein to make you full, this means you lose muscle. Brandon Kolar, a personal trainer and nutritionist says " “When you lose muscle mass you’re actually dropping your metabolic rate, which makes your body work less efficiently. You’re creating a downward spiral by doing a juice cleanse.”
  • Try and find a scientific research paper that promotes juice as a detox or cleanse. There isn't one.
  • Research published by the British Medical Association found that nurses, who ate whole fruit, especially blueberries, grapes and apples, were less likely to get type 2 diabetes, while those who drank fruit juice were at increased risk. Those who swapped fruit juice for whole fruits three times a week cut their risk by 7 per cent.
  • Naveed Sattar, professor of Metabolic Medicine, and Dr. Jason Gill, both of the Institute of Cardiovascular and Medical Sciences at the University of Glasgow in Scotland, call for the UK government to change the current "five a day" guideline to exclude a portion of fruit juice from the list of fruits and vegetable servings that count toward it.
 I could go on.......Just remember, everything in moderation, except gin - the difference between poison and medicine is the dose.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

An open letter to my little sister

I'm not sure if you will read this or if you will even care....

We have all been 17. I know that is something you probably hear all the time. I doubt it has any meaning as it's so frequent, but it is true.

We all know what is like to lose our first love. The heartache and the feeling that you'll never be able to be happy aain. Believe me you will be a million times happier and a million times sadder in the future. Try to focus on the happy bit though. It has taken me until now to realise that I shouldn't settle for what is in front of me. If I don't find what's right it doesn't matter as Ihave books, art, music and friends to fill what some may see as a void.

We all know what it is like to not know what to do with our life. I only figured that out recently and I am 31. I still haven't finished my education and we both know that big sis is back in college now and she is well old, like 34. That's proper old.

Families are hard work. They really are. They always will be. My parents are hard work, your parents are hard work. Tthey will say the same thing about all three of us sisters. We are hard work. You won't always see eye to eye with your parents or your sisters but it will get easier. Not all the time, but it will. Big sis and I have been in some horrible fights. There were times when I was your age that we didn't speak for weeks on end. Now she is the one person I couldn't be without.

Friends come and go, but not all of them. One minute you may feel like you have 100 best friends and the next minute you will feel alone in the world. The ones that really matter will still be there throughout the years. I have a select group of friends now. I wouldn't trade them for the world. We don't live in each others pockets like we used to, we are older, maybe even wiser. But hey, give us a free bar and a pool table to dance on and we will show you how to have the most amazing time of your life.

Your health is not just your body but your mind. This one I know. Don't let the negative thoughts overwhelm you. It can be dangerous. You may feel lost and alone. You may feel no one understands you. I probably do better than anyone. I have been to very dark places, you may well know, or maybe you don't. Once I realised I could get help it changed a lot.

The world is there for the taking. Why not take it. You don't have to stay in this dingy little town. Save your money and see the world. Don't be in a hurry to settle down. Full time jobs, boyfriends, cars, houses, they are not important.

Little sister I am not going to tell you that you have made the wrong or right decisions, it's not my place. I will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Do what makes you happy not what makes others happy but do it for the right reasons also. I know you have your morals.

Don't forget that I will always be your big sis. I love you. If and when you need me I am here.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

That is not me

Sometimes I am not sure whether I should write some things, but this has been playing on my mind.

So here goes. 

This story with an innocent text message asking me a simple question "why do you have two Facebook profiles?" Well I don't. I instantly freaked. Long term readers will be aware of the lovely letter I got sent to my work or the twitter profile set up in my daughters name.

I got sent two pictures. As you can see yes there are two profiles of me on Facebook. Well I only have one so who is this other person

Now, most people these days use Facebook on their mobile or tablet. They tend to forget that you can set a URL for your facebook. That little bit right after, so for example.

The kind fellow who sent me these pics was only two helpful in going on to a PC and emailing me the link to this page, as it seemed I had blocked me. Imagine my surprise when I received that link.

Go on click on it before it gets taken down.

If it has already been taken down here is a little pic.I have added some helpful arrow to show you the errors Danny Kissane seems to have made.

If you look the cover photo was changed on the 11th of September 2103, so who knows how long this account has been active.

So who is Danny Kissane you may ask. Well that is a very good question, well he is a nothing to me. He was the boyfriend of the kid's Godmother many moons ago. He is at best a mediocre DJ that works in The Hippodrome Casino in Leicester Square. He has no baring or consequence on my life.

I dug a little deeper in to this. Why would he go to the trouble of doing this. Well it turns out he had been talking to men, as me. Chatting up / hitting on / flirting with men. Whatever you want to call it, it without a doubt makes the story weirder, he has a girlfriend and as far as I know he is not gay. I don't know how many men but I want to truly apologise to the girlfriends of them men that may have got hurt during this. I suppose I should apologise to the men, you have been well and truly catfished. 

catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

So are all these things linked. The letter, the twitter account the facebook. Well I can't prove they are. But if there are we have one sick individual on our hands. If they are not it is still a disturbing concept. 

So what next. Well the police have all these details. I have reported the page as fake. If you are friends with said page please remove it. 
Please take this tale of caution and beware that things on the internet are not all the seem. Keep in mind that there are some nasty, vindictive people out there.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Before I met you

Before I met him I existed.  I had friends (and enemies). Long lost loves and those that were not so far away. Oh and that depression thing that sometimes bothers my brain.

Over the last few months with him it has been a constant battle. My life and philosophies didn't fit. My down days were cause for annoyance. Some of my friends were not quite right. I lost one of these friends briefly, because I thought I could make things right with him.

I met him by accident, after a social experiment with a dating site. He made me laugh and we had so much in common. We played silly games over text and sent each other stupid pictures of our days. All that happy stuff that should happen. After the first date I drove home with a smile on my face. I didn't think I would hear from him. I was awkward and said all manner of ridiculous things. But he text me. I was elated.

I knew I wanted to see him again. We spent the weekend together and laughed a lot. It was what I had been looking for. Someone to share my life with in a way I had not done in such a long time.

As always with me it wasn't meant to be. I should have known that after the first blip. These issues were not ones that were likely to go away. But I was besotted. Maybe it was the idea of having a relationship, but more likely it was that I genuinely liked him.

I've said it once and I will say it again, I am terrible with intimacy. One-on-one talks about things that "matter" are not for me. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from them. I don't think shy is the right word to explain it, but I find it extremely uncomfortable, like a knickers that you bought when you were a size smaller but still insist on wearing. He wanted to talk so many things over, things that I didn't even see as issues. It made me want to pull away from him. Talk even less. not try and initiate them funny chats we used to have for fear of it becoming another drawn out discussion about feelings.

I don't think he is a bad person. In fact he is the perfect guy. Just not the perfect guy for me. I am sure out there is the girl he is looking for. I am not prepared to change to be that girl. You might think I am stubborn. I probably am. But I spent a lot of time in my life not being happy just to try and make the one I loved happy. At the grand-old-age of 31 I am not going to do that again.

It wasn't my past that caused the woes in this relatively short term relationship. It was the present. Social media was a constant cause of friction. Twitter, instagram, facebook. I wasn't doing it "right". I didn't change the type of interactions I was having on line and he didn't like them. Suddenly he was in my life so I should somehow behave differently both in real life and online.

Let's talk about my depression. It's under control. My medication has decreased and I no longer feel the need for sleeping tablets. I still struggle with sleeping but not to the extent I used to. I am by no means cured, but I am healthier. He struggled with it. I don't hold it against him. I have moments in my life when I just want to lay down, contemplate the world, cry for no reason. I cannot predict when these moments will happen, how long they will last or what triggers them. I do however have a support network in place. I am not in the right place to ask anyone else for help or let anyone else in to these dark places. I don't mind if you want to get in blanket fort and hide with me. You can bring a book to amuse yourself. What I don't need is the expectation that I want to, or have to, share what is in my mind. Most of the times I don't even have the words to describe it.

All I want from a relationship is fun an laughter. It doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful. That is not to say that it isn't deep and meaningful. There is no better feeling than laughing and smiling so much that it hurts your face. That's what I have with my friends. That is what I want with my partner.

I will leave you my dear readers, with a bit of advice. One night I was drunk in a classy establishment, I forget now whether it was Reading or Swindon. It's not relevant. I drunkenly told my friend that I loved her. Like you do in that drunk way, "I love you man, you're my best friend". Well we didn't have a drunken, teary, girly hug. No. She shouted at me "don't say it if you don't mean it".

She was right. She always is. Don 't say it if you don't mean it. But I would like to add, if you mean it, say it, say it with all your heart and soul, but be prepared to back it up.