Sunday, April 23, 2017
Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.
That's not what I am writing about but that is what I wanted to start with.
Right. Let's get down to business. I have a job. "What?" I hear you cry, "you manage to successfully hold down a highflying career, whilst having a jet set lifestyle and being the worlds best parent?"
No. I have a job. But I am fucking good at it. And I like it. And they pay me money. And as the saying goes, money can be exchanged for goods and services. When I am in work I am not the same person as the complete social write off you would meet in real life. I am confident in my role. And I really won't tolerate bullshit that makes my life harder for no good reason. And chit chat. Fuck chit chat. Do you work. Do it well. Go home.
When you are home you can then deal with the horrible feeling of imposter syndrome. That feeling that you don't deserve your job and at any minute you'll be pulled in to HR and sacked. Is that just me?
Now in real life. Something I can't deal well with is eye contact. I don't know why? I'm a fucking grown up. I am 34 and I can't look at people. I'll do anything to avoid it.
Now depending on where you meet me your judgment of me is going to be different. More than likely you'll think I am a complete moron but your reasoning will be different.
It's strange how people judge me. I know I am hard to get. People tell me. And I know that on first impression people just don't like me but given time they'll change their mind and drunkenly tell me in a toilet.
To get to the point. Something has hurt me really quite badly recently and ended in a drunken rampage with many battle scars and a massive kebab. I was judged in a way that I still can't quite understand.
A man seemingly judged my distinct lack of long term relationships to mean that I would automatically want to marry the first person that would show me the tiniest bit of interest. Whilst making the statement he also hinted towards me being the kind of person that would drive 40 miles to just have sex with someone.
Like please, if I wanted a fuccboi I would find a local one on tinder.
I'm not the crazy marry me person and I am not the wanton floozy. I'm just cool to meet people I like and I think I share some kind of common ground with and just hang out. Do fun stuff and see what happens. I'm not thinking about 10 years from now. Sometimes I'm not even thinking about 10 minutes from now because I've seen something shiny.
So my advice to you all. Before you get all judgy mcjudgerson and start breaking out the "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now" talk how about you take the time to ask the other person their intentions. Or don't even have the conversation at all and just be happy in the moment. There really is nothing wrong with that.