Sunday, April 28, 2013

Dougal versus the moon

Now the moon is not the moon in the sky. Not that big ball that is gravitationally locked with earth (or tidally locked if you prefer).

The moon is the indesit moon. The moon is the name of my washing machine. Also known as the washerchine.

I have come to notice little signs in my life that point towards me struggling with feeling low. Some are glaringly obvious. I cry more. Not in front of you lot. It's not for you. My house which is currently the tidiest it's ever been starts getting messier If you see my without my nails painted then you should be aware things are really bad and I probably need medical help.

So to the moon.

I sometimes struggle with every day chores. Washing up, hoovering, being awake. The biggest of all these foes is doing the washing. 

I don't know how many times I have to re-wash my clothes. I put the machine on. I was my clothes. I leave them. Or I start getting some out and then just stop. Just do something else. 

It's a tiny triumph for me to successfully sort a load of washing on the first attempt. And it will be celebrated. Usually by a lovely nap.  

I just want to point out this is not me being lazy. The depressed mind is a strange place. I want to do stuff. But I just can't. I don't have the energy or the will.  

It's hard to start something if you feel like you failed before you have begun. 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Live below the line

The Live Below the Line challenge starts in one week, on 29th April.

I will be spending 5 days living below the line and supporting Oxfam while I am doing it.

From the 29th April – 3rd May I can spend no more than £1 a day on food and drink. I am allowed to drink tap water but not eat donated food.

Can you help me raise my small £200 target and donate to Oxfam at

Saturday, April 13, 2013

For Stacie

One thing I have learnt is don't sweat the small stuff. Shit if I did I would be sobbing continuously.

Another lesson sadly learnt this weekend is don't be quick to trust. It needs to be earned and not given immediately.

I make no bones about the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't help but tell the truth. And I often put myself out there.

This needs to stop. I need to take a stand back. People on the whole are not what you expect them to be.

Look at me. A lot of you probably think I am the loud mouth tattooed prick. Well yeah I am a bit of a prick. But I am so shy it hurts.

Lets talk about boys again. If there is someone I really like. I can't talk to them. I can't look them in the eye. I can shy away and ultimately make a cock of myself. I would turn in to a teenager, with no clue about the real world. A dribbling, mumbling mess who fails at basic communication.

Ultimately I unload my heart and soul to be quickly rebuffed.

So what do I do? Start so kind of covert operation? Shall I be all aloof and uncaring? It would feel wrong of me to put on a mask and not show the real me. I would rather shout from the roof tops "I think you're awesome and I sometimes pee with the bathroom door open".

I am not sure i can overcome my shyness that makes me so very socially awkward. i do however think I can become that uncaring bitch I am thought to be. Fuck it if you choose to write me off before you know me or not give me a chance that's hardly my problem.

So, no more trusting, not until it's earned.