Saturday, March 31, 2012

Feminism in my house

I came across this:
An awesome site and blog for all you rockabilly ladies out there. Here @ReeReeRockette states her case for giving up heels. I understand her cause but alas I cannot join. I love my heels. I spend too much money on them and have a corner in my room dedicated to my favourites.

Now @ReeReeRockette tweeted me saying: @kirstytelling he he! I didn't want to start a crusade ;-) Feminism promotes choice! Rock your heels! x

I promised her that this Saturday I would rock my converse and dedicate it to her.

This got me thinking. Where do I stand on stuff like this. I know I am not feminine, I swear like a sailor, burp like a real man, spend my weekends with football and f1 and will see any tree as a climbing challenge. I also don't know where feminists would stand on my dress sense. I have already mentioned the too short skirts.

For the past few years it has just been me and the little lady at home. Don't get me wrong her dad has her 50% of the time I'm not about to rant about him.

I try to set a positive example for the kid. We have sat down and talked in depth about how I work full-time as I want to pay my own way. I know it upsets her that we don't get a lot I time together. She tells me she wants me to be like the other mums that pick their kids up from school everyday. I hope that one day she appreciates what I do, not so we can live the high life, but so we are comfortable and don't have to worry about paying the gas bill.

We have also spoke about boyfriends. I'm not a man hater. I'm not really a woman hater either. I spend time with them in equal measures. Both sexes can be absolute bitches and both sexes can offer a shoulder to cry on. There is not a quality I prefer in either sex. Well apart from the penis, a good quality penis.
So where does that leave me?
I'm not sure. I know I am not an active feminist. But I understand and take to heart the worldwide issue of women's rights.
I hope I am setting a good example to the little lady. How to be a modern woman and work hard to get what you want. I also want her to, well I guess respect men. To find a man in your life for friendship or a relationship that fits you, your personality and lifestyle can be the best feeling in the world. But it can be the same with a woman I guess.

I am unsure and I guess time will tell as the little kid gets into a big kid.

Keep rocking awesome shoes of any heel height and check out

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I do not look how I used to

In the past year, probably even in the last few weeks the way I look has changed quite a lot.

I feel more comfortable in myself now than I have since I was 20 (pre-pregnancy). However the way I look comes along now comes along with its own set of problems. I don't think I look extreme. I know of plenty of other girls out there who take tattoos, hair colour and style of dress a lot further than I do and I commend them. One day I hope my life has got to the point where I am free to express myself like them daily.

The way I look should not be confused with some misconceived stereotype you may have.

I am not in the bottom rung of my career, I am not the admin assistant here to do your bidding. I think I have been quite successful in what I do. I have a lot of love for my job and my team. Admittedly, no, I am not a super successful manager but nor would I want to be. The plan is to move onwards and upwards in what I do, not become one of them BMW driving business bitches I see in their power suits.

I am over the age of 18 so you can't really get away with calling me a silly little girl. I'm too old to be that and also it's just gosh darn rude.

Don't make the tattooed assumption of massive drinker who smokes roll ups. That's definitely not me. Still not drinking. High 5 me.

My hair is currently a reddy-pink masterpiece. Pay attention here comes the science
Majicontrast in red or magenta
9% creme developer
Rusk in hot pink
Ta da.

I think I am telling you all this because recently I have met with some, not discrimination, but some thing similar because of the way I look and dress.

I wear short skirts. I team these with high heels for work converse for play. I love mini skirts. I have lots. Team these skirts with the warm weather we have been having and it makes or a lot of tutting in my general direction. One such occurrence took place in a super market recently when a lovely lady took it upon herself to nudge her fellow shopper and say "look the warm weather brings 'em all out, and look at her tattoos too". What does this even mean? How have I offended this woman's eyes so badly just by standing in front of her. I had just finished work and I always wear dark black tights to work with my far too short skirts. So it's not like she could see my ass cheeks hanging out.

Another such occurrence happened to me during my working day. I may not be the most serious person you come across and I may not be super corporate but I know there is a time and a place to be professional. I also will do my work to the highest possible standard. When someone tries to get in the way of me doing my job, undermines my role and generally talks to me like utter shit I will not stand for it. It wasn't apparent to me on the day several people were behaving in a strange and rude manner towards me that it might be because of how I look until someone pointed it out to me. It's ridiculous but thinking back that is probably what happened.

Today's rant is really to ask you lot. To be a bit more open minded. And if you see me in the street come say hello. You can touch my hair if you like. Unless you are a chino, v neck, vans wearing douche.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha see what I did there.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sun, sex and tattooed folk

I am just trying to lure you in with talk of sex. Of course I shall say inappropriate things, probably a bit too loudly in a pub near you, but I shall not ever tell you my dirty little secrets. Kiss and tell is not good form.

This Saturday we officially decided summer had started as a douche was spotted in lydiard park with his top off. It's not top off weather. It's no jumper weather. Maybe a cardigan for the late afternoon. It's not summer yet people it goes down to 2 degrees at night. Put some clothes on.

The weather however has been awesome for this time of year. Awesome that is in terms of warm days. Not awesome in terms of rainfall. We are officially in drought. Research it and find out the ways you can save water. This is an issue that is very close to my heart. I cannot stand people who do not turn off the tap when they brush their teeth. That may sound like I am making a joke but I am not. I cannot deal with it. It makes me so angry. Just turn the darn tap off.

So, yeah, my point was the sun is here. This means not only is my bag full with make up which needs to be reapplied hourly due to unnaturally watery eyes, but I will be carrying factor 50 everywhere with me. Probably Johnson baby factor 50, I like the way it smells. It's not like I don't like the sun. I do. I bloody love bein all warm and cosy. Especially with very little clothes on. I don't like sunburn.

I saw vast numbers of sunburnt people this weekend. Not only do I not want to risk skin cancer and looking old and wrinkly I specifically do not want to fade my tattoos. Sorry for getting all Baz Luhrmann on you there. If you really must be tanned get a spray tan. I can't bloody stand spray, mousse or any other kind of fake tan but if you really must do it then let me come watch so I can look at you naked.

I spent my weekend with some unexpected ladies. Although they are super friends we have not really spent this much time with each other in a long time. It was really good to talk and learn that the things I write and say are helping people understand their own issues or the issues of others.

Keep your questions and comments coming in. You'll get nothing but the truth back from me.

Kisses, but only on the cheek in a continental fashion.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A lot can happen in 60 days

The past 60 days have been interesting.

I have been to work
Met a person I admired
Been off work
Had a breakdown
Got a bit better
Spent time with the person I admire
Been back to work
Been so sad
Been so happy

This is not a full list. But a lot has happened.

β-blockers have been a bit of a bitch to me. I have been prescribed propranolol to help me deal with the anxiety that consumed me. They work by diminishing the effects of stress hormones such as adrenaline. This means no panic, no fight or flight response and what I can only say is lots of pain. I was thinking why I wasn't dealing well with tattoos lately and it makes sense that it is in part due to
β-blockers. It's gonna take me longer to finish my first sleeve than anticipated. I don't wanna get more tattoos whilst I am ill-equipped to deal with the pain.

This particular boy has my heart in the palm of his hand (biffy clyro guys). I'm not sure he knows but he should. His presence has been a significant calming influence to me. I don't know what will happen in the future and I don't wanna question what we may or may not have. All I know is that he makes me happy. Adjusting to thinking differently about this situation is hard. But it's well l'oreal.

I think I was, for a short while, in danger of becoming addicted to sleeping tablets. I have none left and had a good few days when sleeping was a struggle. I did however get through these few days. I am not really sleeping properly still. I usually wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning then am not quite awake and not quite asleep until my alarm goes off. Then my brain decides it must be asleep which is a bit of an annoyance since I have gone back to work. I am surviving on a lot of redbull at the moment just to make it through that long car journey down the m4.

Being told about and given a book about cognitive behavioural therapy has helped with a lot of the issues that get in my brain and cause me to hide in bed. The basics of cbt are that you feel the way you think, put simply; you are more happy if you think in a more healthy and happy ways. It's an easy concept and it's really helping me with the anxiety and depression that I have told you all about. It's also helping me with the self esteem issues I keep in my head. I am a very shy person. This is a fact that many find hard to believe. I have no problems standing in front of a group of senior managers at work and talking about stuff I feel passionate about. In a big group of people I can hold my own. Put me in a more intimate situation me and you in a room sat face to face and talking and I will want to hide. Ask me to talk about how I am feeling or what has lead me to become so melancholy and I will shy away and skirt around the answers. I feel safer blurting on my feelings on this blog than I do ringing my closest friends and telling them that I need help.

Since being back to work I have changed my outlook on it. I still struggle with the values that I feel are forced upon me. I do however feel more comfortable in my role. I love my job and the people it puts me in touch with and I have a new found 'hunger' to pursue my goals.

Things are better for me. I'm not cured, I'm in no way the person I was before but I'm focusing my attention on the stuff that matters to me and not on the stuff that makes me want to hide from the world.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Pros and cons

So I was sat here writing a list of pros and cons of a situation I find myself in.

Then it occurred to me what does pro mean and what does con mean?

Good and bad I guess.

Well here is a definition:
Pro - in favour of (good)
Con - against (bad)

I thought it would be more complex than that but it's not. I am an actual idiot sometimes.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

A weekend 120 miles from home

I said on Friday that I was gonna have a better weekend than everyone else. This included everyone in the known universe.

This weekend I achieved nothing. I drove 120 miles away. This is not an achievement it's a drive. I then had the best weekend ever. Nothing massively exciting in terms of exciting weekends happened. I didn't bungee jump or go white water rafting. But I was so happy and content in an orange aero bubble away from the real world just for a little bit.

I met some awesome people whilst on my adventure. And I wanna give a big hello to the guy that stared at me the whole of Friday night, the guy that insisted I should have one of his beers continuously on Saturday night and the girl that shouldn't have been there as she should have been telling lies at weight watchers.

Saturday was st Patrick's day as you all probably know. It caused strange scenes of girls with very little clothes on and boys wearing green v necks. Oh and of course the hilarious guiness hats. It's a strange ritual that the British undertake once a year; getting utterly smashed out of their face to celebrate one of the more well know patron saints of Ireland.

Sunday morning came with he joyous news that my boy Jenson had won in Melbourne. I have a good feeling for him this season. But, that short walk back to the car made my heart sink cos heading back to reality is always hard.

So I drove 120 miles back home drinking lots of redbull and singing along to the songs on kerrang. It's not a sad story though. It's a happy story...

Cognitive behavioural therapy tells us that depression can be cured. I am
Not destined to a lifetime of tablets. My technique for interrupting ruminative thinking is when I catch myself lost deep in thought is to change the subject. Think of them moments when you truly felt safe and secure. They may be fleeting but they exist and they can be a more permanent fixture .

So I had a great weekend. I am sure you lot have them all the time. But this time mine was better.

Kisses and Jaffa cakes. X

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Sexy cartoon characters

Been in bed for half an hour now. Cannot sleep I have a headache and no sleeping tablets. I believe I am doing what is technically known as clicking.

So here is a list of sexy cartoon characters.

Jessica Rabbit. Obviously.

All the disney princesses except snow white. She is just a bit dull looking

The girls from the thundercats: cheetara and pumyra (snarf snarf)

She-ra the princess of power (adora) who was he-mans twin sister

Leela from futurama.

Carmen Sandiego. But where is she?

Jessie from Pokemon. Team rocket are blasting off again.

Probably more, but all this nostalgia has made me think of the animals of farthing wood and in turn watership down. Now I'm just sad for the rabbits. Bright eyes...

Emo pikachu is sad because you are playing with digimon
Miss Fuck You
in the style of Bruce Timms

Why f1 pissed me off this season

The f1 season starts on Friday. I love f1. The sound of the cars, the technical aspects, the driver skills, the team and driver rivalries.

I have been watching f1 for years now, since i was a little girl living with my dad eating sunday dinner off a tray in front of the tv, and have been a Button fan since his first race in 2000. He is a local boy and beautiful, why wouldn't I follow him.

Getting up early on a Saturday and sunday to watch qualifying and race especially at the season opener is one of my fave things to do. Snuggling on the sofa at 6am with blurry eyes and the duvet. Being able to take the piss out of those that watch the afternoon replay for not knowing the result or for 'not being real fans'.

This season I need to get sky sports to be able to watch all the races live. Sky sports is an expensive bitch that I have been able to avoid up until now. Pubs tend to have the football I want to watch.

I think I am going to have to bend over and take it like a man. £22.50 a month is a wanker of an amount though and I haven't paid it so far out of pure stroppyness. F1 should be free to air. Pretty soon sport will all be too pricey to be accessible for us common folk.

For the past 2 seasons there has been an awesome free iPhone app from which streams race stats live. This year I can't find said app just one from Soft Pauer that costs £19.99.

I know these are not huge amounts of money we are talking but it's the principle. Thank the sweet baby Jebus and the BBC that I can see half the races live.

As for this weekend if anyone has a sofa that I can hang out on for a few hours Sunday morning I would much appreciate if. I will make breakfast.

#dougalsf1adventure @kirstytelling

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Forever as a concept is beautiful and poetic, it's the permanence that gives you safety and sanctity.

Forever is easy for me to perceive. Thinking of the few friends and boyfriends I have said forever to in my life I realise I still mean it. We may never speak again but if they decide they needed me for anything I would do all I could to help.

Tattoos advertise everlasting allegiances and values. Everlasting that is until death do us part.

I think this is why I gravitate towards the heavily tattooed. They wear their heart on their sleeves, literally! They are a walking archive of private and personal thoughts on show for the world to see.

Tattooed people are forever people in friendship. They are permanent fixtures as they understand permanence.

I hope to pass my forever on to the kid one day. She doesn't want to get tattooed but when she is older I would want nothing more than for her to get her own versions of one of mine and her dads tattoos. Just so she has a little piece of us, forever.

Don't be scared to say forever as long as you mean forever. The relationship may not have to last but the sentiment does.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Popular culture is so mainstream

I'm not going to wade in to the debate on what is and what is not popular culture I am just going to talk about the use of the phrase.

Popular culture is just something that a lot of people know or like it is therefore surely, by its very definition, mainstream.

As much as you try to think of yourself as an outsider immune to popular culture I will put money on it that you know the words to Come on Eileen and probably the dance to Oops Upside Your Head.

It doesn't matter if you are generation X, generation Y or maybe even generation Z. If one of those classic community centre disco songs come on you will have to dance. And gen Y I hate to break it to you but we are now dad-dancing like gen X.

What I don't like is when pop-culture and mainstream is used as an insult. Houses are popular and when it comes to sleeping I like being in one. I also don't mind sleeping in hotels and during the summer: tents, yurts and tipis.

The very nature of something being popular does not make it a bad thing. And if you don't like said popular thing, that is ok by me. But don't try and be all holier than thou about it cos it makes you look an idiot.

An iPod is usually the cause of a holier than thou breakdown. Music causes so much controversy. My view is 'let the shuffle be'. You are never going to find another person that loves and hates all the same songs as you. And to accuse someone of jumping on a bandwagon because they like some band that you liked before they were cool is utterly ridiculous. We can't all spend our time reading the NME and lurking on soundcloud.

And so we get to alcohol. It's very popular and it permeates into a lot of different cultures: Friday night after work, the bigoff Saturday night, Sunday afternoon with a roast, weddings, Christmas, christenings, in fact a lot of thing that centre round Jesus. Jesus likes a party, he was like the original vengaboy. He had a vengadonkey not a vengabus.

As you may know I do not drink anymore. I have not drank any alcohol since 29 December 2011 a fact that I am very proud of. I have still been out with friends as much as I did before I quit and I will continue to go out just as much. I love being in the pub and being around my friends. If they want to have a couple or even get hammered so be it. I will be there to drive them home.

The thing is I don't fit into a group when it comes to alcohol. I don't drink for health reasons. I will be better one day and then maybe I can face drinking again. But with this is mind I am not straight edge. I understand their reasoning and am impressed with their life choice but when they make statements such as "I think it's boring that people have to drink to have fun" I want to punch them in the throat.

People don't need to drink to have fun. It's a myth fuelled by our late teens and early 20s. Think of the last fun thing you did:

-videos of cats on YouTube
-watch spurs get beat
-laugh at your mate for saying something ridiculous about Zumba

I bet you did not have to be drinking a lovely, refreshing, cold, alcoholic beverage to have this fun but it would have been nice if you did.

Just be happy with the things you enjoy in life and let others do the same. You don't own music, art or any of those other things you love or loathe, so don't be so keen to impose your views.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I know I said I would not do these things

Last time I wrote (and published) I said I wasn't getting and tattoos for a while. I meant it at the time but then Sam Ricketts posted on Facebook that he had spaces. He is such an awesome artist I couldn't resist so I got a little more work on my sleeve.

I got a key with a geometric flower. There is really no significance to this. I told Sam I wanted a key and this is what he drew. I bloody love it. Although I have discovered that the inner arm is not a fun place to get tattooed and my arm is probably twice the size it was before. I swell a lot.

Running out of space on this arm now which is awesome. Who would have thought little old me would get a sleeve. Not me, not until I started learning about real tattoo art. I started reading magazines such as Skin Deep and Total Tattoo a few years back. They changed my outlook on tattoos and art as a whole. Before I was one of them people who thought tattoos were picked off a wall and were generally black and spikey. I am informed on the subject. I don't know all there is to know but I know where to go for answers and it genuinely pleases me that people ask me for advice.

I've done something else. Something significant for me. I met a beautiful blue eyed boy. I met him through tattoos and a shared interest of calling people benders to their face. This is all you need to know.

My depression is getting the better of me again but I am not giving in. I have been back to work and seen the super people that I missed whilst I was away. Q10 and lili are two people that I need in my life, now more than ever. Q10 bought me Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. I have been reading it when my brain is not being all fluffy and unresponsive. Its making be realise that I need to give myself credit for coping. Maybe we should all give ourself more credit for the small things we achieve in life rather than ignoring them.

My beautiful little friend asked me to explain how I feel. There is no easy way to explain it. I don't feel like me. I can think of only 4 occasions since the start of December when I have felt like the me I was before. Safe and secure in myself and not banging my head against a wall trying to force myself to be better. Its hard for others to understand that I am suffering, for want of a better word, as depression has not changed my personality (I don't think) and I don't like to sit down and tell people face to face that I just feel bloody unpleasant.

So in conclusion. Go get tattooed at Wood Street Tattoos in Swindon. Tell them I sent you cos they are great.
And I am no good at being in like cos my insecurities get the better of me.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Your hair looks stupid

This weekend a woman come up to me. Stood around 10 inches away from me. Stared for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Then said "you have a lot of tattoos" I said "yes" she then went on to say "I don't like them". I looked at her and said "oh".

I am very rarely without a come back. But I just didn't know what to say.

I spoke with a friend about it today. She has given me some awesome ideas of what to say in future. My friend made an awesome point though. What if I had gone up to this woman who I had never seen in my life before and said "I don't like your hair"? She, and hopefully most of you, would think that I was a rude bitch.

It's funny how tattoos can make people so vocal and intrusive. They feel they can share opinions on subject matter and meanings of tattoos like their word is gospel.

It's strange to me having only recently entered to world of having visible tattoos. I have been called a stupid girl at a train station, been grabbed by a check out girl at asda half an hour after having my arm finished (ow) and had my top pulled up so high so someone could see my back that the vast amount of people in the pub I was in saw my very pretty bra.

It's like being pregnant, everyone touches your stomach and tells you what you're having and the weight. And I hated that. So do not think that I am going to be happy if you place your hands or your shit opinions anywhere near me. I've got photos I will show you them. Just don't touch me.

Ex oh ex oh