Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Before I met you

Before I met him I existed.  I had friends (and enemies). Long lost loves and those that were not so far away. Oh and that depression thing that sometimes bothers my brain.

Over the last few months with him it has been a constant battle. My life and philosophies didn't fit. My down days were cause for annoyance. Some of my friends were not quite right. I lost one of these friends briefly, because I thought I could make things right with him.

I met him by accident, after a social experiment with a dating site. He made me laugh and we had so much in common. We played silly games over text and sent each other stupid pictures of our days. All that happy stuff that should happen. After the first date I drove home with a smile on my face. I didn't think I would hear from him. I was awkward and said all manner of ridiculous things. But he text me. I was elated.

I knew I wanted to see him again. We spent the weekend together and laughed a lot. It was what I had been looking for. Someone to share my life with in a way I had not done in such a long time.

As always with me it wasn't meant to be. I should have known that after the first blip. These issues were not ones that were likely to go away. But I was besotted. Maybe it was the idea of having a relationship, but more likely it was that I genuinely liked him.

I've said it once and I will say it again, I am terrible with intimacy. One-on-one talks about things that "matter" are not for me. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from them. I don't think shy is the right word to explain it, but I find it extremely uncomfortable, like a knickers that you bought when you were a size smaller but still insist on wearing. He wanted to talk so many things over, things that I didn't even see as issues. It made me want to pull away from him. Talk even less. not try and initiate them funny chats we used to have for fear of it becoming another drawn out discussion about feelings.

I don't think he is a bad person. In fact he is the perfect guy. Just not the perfect guy for me. I am sure out there is the girl he is looking for. I am not prepared to change to be that girl. You might think I am stubborn. I probably am. But I spent a lot of time in my life not being happy just to try and make the one I loved happy. At the grand-old-age of 31 I am not going to do that again.

It wasn't my past that caused the woes in this relatively short term relationship. It was the present. Social media was a constant cause of friction. Twitter, instagram, facebook. I wasn't doing it "right". I didn't change the type of interactions I was having on line and he didn't like them. Suddenly he was in my life so I should somehow behave differently both in real life and online.

Let's talk about my depression. It's under control. My medication has decreased and I no longer feel the need for sleeping tablets. I still struggle with sleeping but not to the extent I used to. I am by no means cured, but I am healthier. He struggled with it. I don't hold it against him. I have moments in my life when I just want to lay down, contemplate the world, cry for no reason. I cannot predict when these moments will happen, how long they will last or what triggers them. I do however have a support network in place. I am not in the right place to ask anyone else for help or let anyone else in to these dark places. I don't mind if you want to get in blanket fort and hide with me. You can bring a book to amuse yourself. What I don't need is the expectation that I want to, or have to, share what is in my mind. Most of the times I don't even have the words to describe it.

All I want from a relationship is fun an laughter. It doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful. That is not to say that it isn't deep and meaningful. There is no better feeling than laughing and smiling so much that it hurts your face. That's what I have with my friends. That is what I want with my partner.

I will leave you my dear readers, with a bit of advice. One night I was drunk in a classy establishment, I forget now whether it was Reading or Swindon. It's not relevant. I drunkenly told my friend that I loved her. Like you do in that drunk way, "I love you man, you're my best friend". Well we didn't have a drunken, teary, girly hug. No. She shouted at me "don't say it if you don't mean it".

She was right. She always is. Don 't say it if you don't mean it. But I would like to add, if you mean it, say it, say it with all your heart and soul, but be prepared to back it up.

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