Tuesday, June 3, 2014

My heart on my sleeve

Since formally being diagnosed with a mental illness in January 2012 I have taken many steps to keep my mind coherent, to avoid the day dreams and nightmares of self loathing and thoughts of failure. 

I felt like I reached a plateau with this like it couldn't get better or worse. Like it just is what it is now. 

My medication is at the lowest it's ever been. Subsequently my waistline had expanded, but swings and roundabouts hey. 

But something has changed that. My mind feels foggy. I keep questioning my self, my work, my decisions. I've gone from being wary to mistrustful. 

"I used to care what people thought
But now I care more
Man nobody out here's got it figured out
So therefore, I've lost all hope of a happy ending
Depending on whether or not it's worth it
So insecure, no one's perfect" - childish gambino 

It's such a sad feeling, being on guard. It's not how I like to interact. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve. To be brutally honest whether good or bad. 

Right now I just want to get in to bed and not face anyone. It's been a struggle for a few weeks now to put on a shiny happy face.

There have been happy moments. Moments hidden away from the world in a place where no one knows me. I've been wishing they could be longer but real life takes over and I have to return to normality. 

I truly wish that I had a mind that could be occupied by only thoughts of the fun times and the positives. Or even a healthy balance of the good or bad. That i could feel more like I feel when I am hidden away. 

I don't want sympathy. I could have things so much worse. But I do want those people closest to me to know that I'm not hiding away from them. I'm hiding away from me. 

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