Sunday, July 20, 2014
All or nothing
I had to do something last Thursday. Something that has been playing on my mind ever since.
If I hadn't have done it I know I would be so much more broken right now.
I had been talking to him for a few days, we were being amicable. It was fun to be able to speak to him again. I missed laughing with him over silly things other people probably wouldn't get.
But something happened. He made a pinky promise to me. Over something really silly. He had done this before. We had done this before. I meant my promise. I hope he had. But he didn't keep it.
It bothered me. I kept thinking on it. I told him I love him. He said he loved me too. But he also said it changes nothing.
My heart sank so low as I knew right there I had lost faith in this man whom only a few days before I thought was perfect.
I tried to carry on with the jovial chats but I couldn't. I knew I would go on hoping for things to change to go back to the time when I could just sit there in his house just me and him and be happy in what I thought was our own little world.
Without that confidence and trust in his promises it was now futile to hope.
So I said it. "All or nothing". He said he want to be friends. The man I love and who said he loved me too wants to be friends.
We haven't spoke since. I miss him dearly. But in a quiet little corner of my mind I know I have said what I needed to say, I want it all with him. And I have done what I needed to do, backing away from that sense of endless longing and loss of control.
I feel different now though. That feeling of being honest with my emotions has gone. I no longer want to put myself in the position where this could potentially happen again. I think the hopeless romantic in me would rather keep my heart and soul introverted. But it seems, it is easier that way.