Friday, July 4, 2014

I wish I hadn't

No sooner than I work up the guts to admit I have found this beautiful happy place in the world it gets taken away from me. 

When I find someone I connect with. That I can laugh with. Be that a friend or more, I feel relief. It's rare I find that and more significant that I want to tell someone they are perfect. 

I admit I am not easy to get along with. I'm hugely sarcastic. I'm obsessive about the use of the English language. I like ridiculous clothes, cartoons and things in general. 

I feel I am a lonely soul. I don't want to give too much away because my pessimistic mind feels it will end in failure. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself get wrapped up in potential happiness in the future. The moment was enough. I feel guilt that I wanted more.

Now, according to I only have a 69% of getting married. Not that I am obsessed with marriage. I think I would look utterly ridiculous in a wedding dress. But that is a shit percentage. 

Keeping up the miserable facts. If I want to have a another kid my chances decline after 35 and I am more likely to have complications in pregnancy. Not that I have considered another kid. 

It's sad to think that maybe in another 5 years I will be still sat here on my bed writing stories about how once again I have been unlucky in love.

I gave up fighting long ago. These decisions are not mine to change. Not that I don't want to fight for this. I do. Every piece of me wants to beg for him to reconsider. But I can't let myself in for more hurt. 

A lot can happen in four hours. Unfortunately for me the past four hours have left me heart broken. 

A 2011 study demonstrated that the same regions of the brain that become active in response to painful sensory experiences are activated during intense experiences of rejection or loss. 

I feel that pain. I can honestly say that I never expected it and I know I never want to feel it again. 

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