Not sleeping makes me cry

Edited as when I first wrote this it was poorly spelt a bit whiny.

Firstly a word. I named my blog: the things I think. Because it is exactly that. The things I think. It's not called I'm right you're wrong.
Some people find my work offensive. I can understand that. I don't hold traditional views on a lot of things. I'm not trying to preach to anyone with the things I say just trying to share the insight of a girl with mental health issues. If you have been at any time in the past or are at any time in the future I apologise. I will not take back what I said unless you can give me a compelling arguement to do so. It's not my intention to offend. If I wanted to do that I would call you all cunts and be constantly looking for opportunities to be on balconies above you so I could spit on you.

I'm not a crier in general. It's a bit rubbish when your eyes leak everywhere and ruins the make-up that took five minutes to apply and will inevitably rub off anyway.
When I am awake like I am now, counting down the hours till I have I get up I feel nothing but frustrated. I just want to sleep. I don't care about the things my mind throws at me. I don't know why my body becomes unable to regulate its own temperature. Too cold then too hot and if i get out of bed to walk on the cold floor the bottoms will literally feel on fire when I get back in bed.

Sometimes I will get as little as 3 hours sleep. I sit at work like a zombie just hoping for the day to end as quick as possible. I can't remember a darn thing. I'm just a bit of a useless mess.

I have so many ideas when I am trying to get to sleep. I tend to not remember them come the morning. I am like a stoner without the fun of the giggles or the snack time of the munchies. Maybe I should start writing them down, but I think that would keep me awake longer and mayber reveal the stream of consciousness of a mad-woman.

In a purely selfish way I am glad there are others out there in the same position as me. Wondering the house at 2am angry that they need to be up in 4 hours. If that's you give me a text or a tweet we can sob at each other.

ZZZ is onomatopoeia for snoring but more likely an implication of sleep

They say

They say never meet someone you admire (note I did not say hero)
Who the fuck are they anyway? And why do they always have an opinion? And why do they always share it? Oi, they, why I oughta.... Shaky fist at you, they!

They also say you are what you eat. Well currently I am a chewy vimto bar.
They say she's in the class A team.

Well they need to shut up. They are so very opinionated and boring.

I met someone I admired. That someone is beautiful and knowledgable. This someone makes me happy. I love every minute we are together and I love this someone.

You can't put a finger on why you love someone. You just do.
And I still admire this someone.

Golly, they talk a lot don't they?

Why I love twitter (Stacey is a knob)

The Stacey is a knob bit is an ode to one of the coolest people I know. Let us spend more time together and be mean girls.

Twitter is just super. I didn't join till 25 October 2010 which makes me a late starter. That is 562 days from the time of writing this. I have done 11088 tweets so that's around 19.7 tweets per day.

Facts and figures out the way twitter is great. It puts you in touch with like minded people who ordinarily you wouldn't get a chance to speak with. It's a place to speak your mind without fear of a verbal gang raping, as the people who follow have chosen to follow you for a reason, that being they are interested in what you have to say and have similar points of view.

I have 'Internet met' some people who have been so kind to me. People who have seemed genuinely concerned about my well being. Sending me lovely little DMs when I am having a down day and letting it out in spite filled tweets.

On twitter you don't see any of the faceyb 'look at me' because you just don't follow them people. Faceyb makes it awkward, even socially unacceptable to not accept a friend request from someone you kinda know. On twitter there are a lot of these acquaintances and I choose not to follow them as what they are saying is not really of interest to me. That's not to say it isn't interesting so let's not jump on that bandwagon, it's just not for me.

Those of you know me well enough will know I met the sexiest man in the whole entire universe ever via twitter. He is now all mine which is a uber yay. Please if you know who #blueeyes is don't reveal it cos that would make you not just a bellend but a colossal bellend.

Twitter is usually quicker than most news agencies to report on current affairs. And no matter where in the world news is being reported you can put money on it people will live tweet from the scene and probably have more facts than the media, sorry Reuters.

I'm going to carry on tweeting which sometimes just feels like talking into the air but, like tattooing, I think it's good for the soul. Getting them things off your chest.

So a favourite of mine repeated from a rant I had earlier this year called "why I hate Facebook"
"MAY YOUR LIFE ONE DAY BE AS AWESOME AS YOU MAKE IT OUT TO BE ON FACEBOOK"

XOXO

@dougalmct

The spirit of the staircase

Esprit de l’escalier is a French phrase that literally translates as “The spirit of the staircase”.
It's not about pipes from ghostwatch, Caspar or Patrick Swayze. It refers to all the things you realise you should have said after a conversation has ended. You know those things that keep you awake at night or come to you when you are telling someone else about the argument. Those things that make you say gosh, darn and bother that would have made you a hero in the eyes of your peers if only you had thought of them at the time.

Ghosts though are cool as a the generic cool thing you like. If they exist that is. I love watching all them lame tv programs about the 'paranormal'. Most haunted and ghost hunting and all that crap. And the live specials they do on living on Halloween or some other especially haunted night are amazing. I will sit up till early o'clock watching them. The only thing that ever happens is some light stone throwing that is never caught on camera some coincidental tapping that is barely audible but they swear it's really loud when they are there.
Oh and then there is orbs. Am I the only one who thinks these fantastical orbs are not in fact ghosts but are dust catching the light.

Can't remember my exact point. I'm not well and I think my stupidly high temperature and headache has made me a little delirious.

I wonder if there is Esprit de l’escalier for things I should have written.

Offence

First a confession or two. My last post caused a furore. Some of which may have seen and some of which was text to me or said in phone calls and will therefore remain private. My intention was not to offend, more to shed light on how I feel. And that is 'having a child is not an achievement, its how you raise the child that matters'. There was nothing personal in the words I wrote except that note at the end about rocking heels. That was a nod to the person I discussed heels with the day before, I thought it was quite a sweet way of noting what she had been through.

The point in what I am writing is not to apologise but to acknowledge people think differently. What does not seem offensive to me and what doesn't offend many of my readers may cause real upset to others. This situation could have been handled better by all those involved and I hope we would all admit that.

A lot can happen if people don't just talk to each other. The internet is a faceless place where arguements escalate quickly. I will carry on writing exactly how I see things and posting them on my blog. Some of the things may not be to your liking and that is cool. Lets talk about it.
Please don't try to second guess who was involved in the below. I won't tell you. And if you know it is up to you whether you share that info.

The outcome of the heated discussions was that I did edit my blog to add in the lines:  "I don't see kids as an achievement. Raising and awesome kid that is the next Einstein maybe but just having a kid is not. Do you see my point? There is a difference!" Just to try and reiterate my point. This has all been sorted now I believe and it feels like it cleared the air between me and 3 of my friends who lives I have been somewhat absent in as they have been in mine.

To sum up I guess the point in this is to say offence will happen, I am sure I will offend people again. Maybe not the same people though. But its how you deal with the fallout that matters.

How to be a good mum

I am a mum. I have been doing ok at it for 8 and a half years now. The kid is still alive for starters. I don't really like to go on about her a lot cos no one really wants to hear about people's kids. Unless someone brings her up in conversation I tend not to broach the subject. I will tell you this though: she is above average in reading and considered 'gifted & talented' at both writing and maths.
So that's my little bit of showing off. It's not by chance she is at these levels. I always tell her the importance of education to help you get ahead in life.

I had the kid fairly young in life. By no means young by Swindon standards but too young nevertheless. Such just before my 21st birthday the most beautiful kid in the world came out the sunroof. I have basically been winging it ever since. I had and still have no idea how to be a mum. I will probably never figure it out. The only advice I can give people is in the first few years sleep when you can.

There has come along recently a breed of super mums intent on telling the world how to be parents and how awesome their kids are. They have seemed to miss the point that we are all built to procreate. We will probably all have kid eventually. They are not the first ones to try this fun new craze. They want to ram their "biggest achievement" down our throat.
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Tiny lady jesko

Anyone who says their biggest achievement in life is having a kid have really set their sights low. I know some people who can barely look after a goldfish and therefore shouldn't be trusted with another human life who have kids all over the place. I don't see kids as an achievement. Raising and awesome kid that is the next Einstein maybe but just having a kid is not. Do you see my point? There is a difference!

The super mums probably think I am doing things wrong. I am a mum but that is not the only thing I am. I am lucky enough that the kids dad is very good with the time he has her so that I can lead my own life. This is not to say I don't miss the little lady when I she is at her dads, I do. I miss the harsh and abrasive wake up calls that can only have been learned from me. I am not a morning person.

The list of kids that actually interest me is very short. That's not to say I am going to be mean to your kids, unless they are mean to me, then I will put the little shits in a headlock.

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Even baby gooners don't interest me

The thing is, new born babies are boring, just milk, sleep and inevitably crying. Older babies are funny for about 3 minutes till they inevitably cry. Toddlers just get in your stuff. they touch everything and are so very accident prone that they inevitably cry.

Then they get to school age, when they start getting a bit materialistic. They want stuff they can't have and inevitably cry.

So what have we learned? Kids cry basically.

Super mums I have a request of you please stop filling my life with your advice and idle chatter. And as lovely as your kids may be no one wants to see endless pictures and status updates about them.

And all mums, never give up on your heels. Get some than match the pushchair after the baby is born cos well you are l'oreal.

I passed. Huzzah

The last weekend was what I saw as my first big test. As of the Friday I had been straight edge for 120 days. Day 121 had been scaring me.


'twas our first big 'girls weekend' of the year to celebrate Besties 30th birthday. 8 of us took a lovely trip to Wales celebrate the best way we know how, looking all fab and dancing like idiots. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it. I have been around drunk people many times since I have stopped drinking but I have always been able to get in my car and go home. So the nerves set in about being trapped with drunk people.

All the pretty ladies - and me

Looking back now I can honestly say I had nothing to be nervous about. I had such an awesome time. I drank shots and cocktails with the ladies (admittedly shots of squash and fruit juice cocktails) and laughed so hard my face hurt. And not at one time did their drinking bother me, nor did they, being the super friends they are, make any issue of my not drinking.


I know not drinking is alien to a lot of people. I get questioned about it a lot. Like by the waiter in the tapas restaurant we went to having to point out in a loud an obnoxious way that there was no alcohol in my choice of drink. I'm glad we didn't pay their shitty 10% service charge.


Although I had very little time to think this weekend I did get a rare moment whilst sitting on the train home listening to the aptly named We Are The In Crowd. One thing that has been popping in my head recently is some "advice" I was given when I was 18. It seems so relevant to me at the moment.

***you'll make a lot of friends in this life, you'll also lose a lot of friends, don't worry about it***

If we look back a few years or even a few months the dynamics of our friendships will have changed drastically. It's not like we are any more or any less friendly towards people it's more like we just aren't meant to be anymore.


Life will take you to different places and you should let it. Don't pine for them friendships that may get left behind. They are no less important, but they may be less necessary. Don't let that get you angry and bitter and don't make it in to a passive aggressive faceyb status. Just recognise that life goes on and them important bonds are with someone different now.


That is unless you have the same size feet as me and then we have a need to be friends. My shoe budget is vastly diminished. Borrowing is the way forward.


Love, kisses and midget strippers-oh my!

Log - our Welsh friend