Monday, June 11, 2012

How to survive the imminent zombie apocalypse

When I say Zombies I of course mean the Night of the Living Dead ones and not the ones from Haitian culture. I mean the brain eating ones and not the ones made by which doctors, sorcerers or possessed small children.

Before you plan your survival remember there are different types of zombie:
  • Reanimated from the grave
  • The infected
  • Further infectors
  • Vicious cannibal killers
  • The slow lumbering
  • Agile and intelligent 
Tailor your approach as needed when the Zombiegeddon comes. These are my tips on how to survive the imminent zombie apocalypse, an attack by the undead hungry for flesh, rotting corpses hell bent on your demise. You can use one or more of these to see if you make it out alive when the gates of the netherworld open.

  1. Stay inside. It seems the most obvious option but it is very rarely used. When choosing to stay inside pick your location wisely. A big mansion will be hard to defend. Try and go for a small flat, maybe in a tower block. Make sure you have supplies. If you are anything like me you don't have enough food in the cupboard to make it through the day. Maybe plan on staying inside at your local corner shop. If you live anywhere near me there will be an abundance of cheap vodka and Sterling super kings as well as freeze dried foods to last you. If you are a little more choosy try staying inside in the M&S food hall or even Waitrose.
  2. Run away. Again hugely over looked. Don't try and sneak away, or walk away. Run! Run really fast or maybe even drive. Steal a car if you have to. Go hide out at a motorway services such as Watford Gap or somewhere in the middle of the Cotswolds. Don't stay and fight, leave that to the professionals, that is what the army is for.
  3. Sacrifice. Now is not the time to make new friends or trying to re-establish old loyalties. Your life is on the line. Sacrifice those that will hold you back, slow you down, are stupid or just those that you don't like. If a zombie is coming for me I will not think twice about using you as a human shield.
  4. Find a scientist or someone who was at one point in an elite army unit. These are your keys to survival. They will know of a cure for the Zombies or be really good at blowing stuff up and have easy access to many weapons.
  5. Get Weapons. Put all that practise on COD in to good practise. But don't be a hero, be a camping sniper. It is better to hide behind a box than die. And if you can call in an air strike do it. This is not Hamburger Hill, don't wait till the last minute, do it now. "BROKEN ARROW". For close rand combat get items such as a baseball bat and an axe. You don't want to get too close to the brain munching bastards.
  6. This is not the time for romance. If you feel yourself making goo-goo eyes at one of the survivors kill them. One of you will inevitably die for the other eventually, might as well save yourself.
  7. Don't not make any of the following horror movie mistakes, they carry across well into real life:
     - If you hear a sound, especially an eery or inconprehensible one, do not investigate. Hide or run, it's probably something bad.
     - Do not split up. Stay together, even go to the loo in pairs or groups. there is strength in numbers.
     - Do not make friends with a pretty girl, especially one with big boobs. She is exactly the type of meal that zombies are looking for and she is probably really clumsy. She will take you down with her.
  8. Get a dog. Dogs are loyal and protective. They are very likely to try and protect you from a zombie attack. Smaller dogs can be used as weapons and thrown at zombies. This is true of many domestic animals, they can be more effective weapons if you set light to them prior to throwing them. If you have time pop to the local zoo. If the animals there are not zombified then try and train a tiger, lion or bear to be your sidekick.
  9. Water. With more and more of the nations residents becoming zombies it is likely that you will not have a supply of running water. Make sure you stock up. Maybe steal a tanker or just get all the bottles you can. The same applies to petrol or diesel depending on which car you have stolen to go on supplies runs.
  10. Communications. Make sure you have every which way possible of communicating. maybe get really retro and use MSN messenger. You are going to want to send for help. Help will more likely come in the form of Americans but don't let this bother you. Accept the help as their country may not have a zombie problem so in the long run you will be better off.
I hope these tips help and good luck. I might see you on the battlefield or I might see you in Walmart.

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