My heart on my sleeve

Since formally being diagnosed with a mental illness in January 2012 I have taken many steps to keep my mind coherent, to avoid the day dreams and nightmares of self loathing and thoughts of failure. 

I felt like I reached a plateau with this like it couldn't get better or worse. Like it just is what it is now. 

My medication is at the lowest it's ever been. Subsequently my waistline had expanded, but swings and roundabouts hey. 

But something has changed that. My mind feels foggy. I keep questioning my self, my work, my decisions. I've gone from being wary to mistrustful. 

"I used to care what people thought

But now I care more

Man nobody out here's got it figured out

So therefore, I've lost all hope of a happy ending

Depending on whether or not it's worth it

So insecure, no one's perfect" - childish gambino 

It's such a sad feeling, being on guard. It's not how I like to interact. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve. To be brutally honest whether good or bad. 

Right now I just want to get in to bed and not face anyone. It's been a struggle for a few weeks now to put on a shiny happy face.

There have been happy moments. Moments hidden away from the world in a place where no one knows me. I've been wishing they could be longer but real life takes over and I have to return to normality. 

I truly wish that I had a mind that could be occupied by only thoughts of the fun times and the positives. Or even a healthy balance of the good or bad. That i could feel more like I feel when I am hidden away. 

I don't want sympathy. I could have things so much worse. But I do want those people closest to me to know that I'm not hiding away from them. I'm hiding away from me. 

A reply to 10 Struggles Of Being Not Fat, But Not Skinny Either.

I challenged a business lady to rewrite a post called 10 Struggles Of Being Not Fat, But Not Skinny Either. There were 7 Awesome Points available. Well, she flipped it and challenged me to do it.


After reading the post it seemed to me that me that Samantha Matt, the author, was just a bit whiny. She is one of those new breed of journalists that writes lists of things eg. 17 things to make you happy, 13 things to stop feeling ashamed of, 60,000 ways to feel more womanly, 9 lists of lists with numbers.


Let's digest her 10 struggles.


1. Analyzing the “You look so thin!” comment on a picture.
If you need to analyse (see how I spelt it there with a S not a Z, silly murica) a comment on a picture you may have some deep-seated issues that require medical assistance. No seriously. A picture is just a moment in time. It is just what you happened to look like in that very second. The variables of light, angles, distance and photography skills created a constant memory. That is not how you look. If someone comments that you look thin say thanks, if you are thankful. If you are not then thankful don't comment.


2. Eating with people you’re not close with.
This isn't a struggle. So you are eating with work chaps or acquaintances, eat what you like. To be constantly fretting about what others are eating or what they may think of your choices of food is no way to live your life. Just don't spill it down your front as everyone will think you're an idiot and social outcast. They will cut you out of conversations until you choose to leave early so they can all have fun in their clean clothes. Silly spiller.


3. Choosing an outfit to wear out on a weekend night.
I am going to list my problems with this particular struggle.
i. Looking good doesn't mean tight fitting clothes
ii. Every person: male, woman, fat, thin and all things in-between, will struggle with an outfit for going out-out
iii. Questioning an outfit doesn't mean you feel, you look, or are, fat. It means wearing a wedding dress on a first date is probably a bad idea.
iv. This. All of this. God it's awful "The only thing that can change this is when a guy says “I would fuck you in that. ” A guy wouldn’t openly say that he would fuck a fat girl. So it must mean you don’t look fat. Right?" Why, why, why Samantha?? Why do you hate women so much? Why is fat so offensive to you? Why do you care that a man wants to fuck you? That's not a compliment.


4. Buying jeans.
The problem with buying jeans is in no way telling people what size you are. It is about the bleakness of a day spent in various changing rooms trying to keep that bloody curtain that doesn't quite fit closed. Looking in all them mirrors of various angles and noticing your hair looks a bit shit from 45 degrees to the left. It's about them lights that make you notice you are not all that great at applying foundation. It's about going in shops, which I hate. Size is really irrelevant these days. I'll prove it. In Miss Selfridge I am size 8, in H&M I am size 14. Wear what fits you and feels good, not what has the correct number on a label.


5. Wondering what guys refer to you as.
I will put this simply - Who gives a fuck? Seriously.


6. Taking your cover up off at the beach.
I don't think this is the worse thing ever. There are worse things. What about famine, war, or noticing you are out of loo roll after a poo.
You are at the beach. Everyone is in swim wear. No one is looking at you as they are thinking about their own insecurities or better still having a lovely time.


7. Deciding whether or not to eat free food at work.
There is really no reason to live your life in fear of whether or not to have cake at work. The simple answer to this is: if there is free cake, biscuits or sweets on offer, have some. Don't sit at the designated cake desk and eat it all. But just have some. If you really are concerned why not suggest a healthy buffet day. Everyone likes a healthy buffet. Or a better suggestion is, get on with your work and stop wasting your time fretting over cookies.


8. Losing and gaining weight.
If you are worried about putting on 2 pounds have a poo. If you are worried about losing weight have some of that cake you were offered at work.


9. Trying to figure out what guy(s) are actually interested in you at the bar.
I am going to put this out there. Maybe, just maybe people are talking to you just because some people are just nice. It's a shock I know, but some people are. Maybe they don't want to sleep with you are your mates. Maybe they just fancied a chat. But, if they do want to sleep with you are your mates that is fine too. I maintain my view on this, you really shouldn't sleep with people you have just met at a bar. If you live by that rule you'll probably just have a nice chat instead of worrying if they will see your cellulite later that evening.


10. Explaining to people that you’re staying in because you… just wanna lose 3 pounds.
You are staying in because you want to lose weight? Now that is just ridiculous. Why not just exercise some self control. You really don't need to drink non-stop red bull vodkas and eat late night pizza. If you really don't think you are adult enough to control yourself then be the designated driver. Then you have no choice.


So there it is. Not really a rewrite, but a reply. Sometimes these list things are really not good for the soul.

Juice

I have seen a lot of awful advice about juice/juicing lately.

 

Whilst juicing is a quick and easy way to get one or two of your 5-a-day it should not be relied on our used to "detox" or diet.

 

Here are some quick facts:

• Juice can be used as part of a healthy lifestyle, it is not however a miracle cure. 
• Although fruit/vegetable juice counts toward your recommended daily dose, it contain less fibre and does not fill you up like whole fruit/vegetables.
• Fruit juice is high in fructose (sugar) - simple carbohydrates that provide extra calories and quickly raise your blood sugar levels.
• 240ml of natural, no-added-sugar fruit juice can contain up to 6 teaspoons of sugar
• Fruit juices especially those high in citric acid cause acid erosion that weakens tooth enamel.
• Jesse Dallas who promotes responsible juicing recommends "Juicing responsibly means you might only drink half a pint of vegetable juice daily"
• On a juice-only diet, you may not get enough protein to make you full, this means you lose muscle. Brandon Kolar, a personal trainer and nutritionist says " “When you lose muscle mass you’re actually dropping your metabolic rate, which makes your body work less efficiently. You’re creating a downward spiral by doing a juice cleanse.”
• Try and find a scientific research paper that promotes juice as a detox or cleanse. There isn't one.
• Research published by the British Medical Association found that nurses, who ate whole fruit, especially blueberries, grapes and apples, were less likely to get type 2 diabetes, while those who drank fruit juice were at increased risk. Those who swapped fruit juice for whole fruits three times a week cut their risk by 7 per cent.
• Naveed Sattar, professor of Metabolic Medicine, and Dr. Jason Gill, both of the Institute of Cardiovascular and Medical Sciences at the University of Glasgow in Scotland, call for the UK government to change the current "five a day" guideline to exclude a portion of fruit juice from the list of fruits and vegetable servings that count toward it.

 I could go on.......Just remember, everything in moderation, except gin - the difference between poison and medicine is the dose.

An open letter to my little sister

I'm not sure if you will read this or if you will even care....

We have all been 17. I know that is something you probably hear all the time. I doubt it has any meaning as it's so frequent, but it is true.

We all know what is like to lose our first love. The heartache and the feeling that you'll never be able to be happy aain. Believe me you will be a million times happier and a million times sadder in the future. Try to focus on the happy bit though. It has taken me until now to realise that I shouldn't settle for what is in front of me. If I don't find what's right it doesn't matter as Ihave books, art, music and friends to fill what some may see as a void.

We all know what it is like to not know what to do with our life. I only figured that out recently and I am 31. I still haven't finished my education and we both know that big sis is back in college now and she is well old, like 34. That's proper old.

Families are hard work. They really are. They always will be. My parents are hard work, your parents are hard work. Tthey will say the same thing about all three of us sisters. We are hard work. You won't always see eye to eye with your parents or your sisters but it will get easier. Not all the time, but it will. Big sis and I have been in some horrible fights. There were times when I was your age that we didn't speak for weeks on end. Now she is the one person I couldn't be without.

Friends come and go, but not all of them. One minute you may feel like you have 100 best friends and the next minute you will feel alone in the world. The ones that really matter will still be there throughout the years. I have a select group of friends now. I wouldn't trade them for the world. We don't live in each others pockets like we used to, we are older, maybe even wiser. But hey, give us a free bar and a pool table to dance on and we will show you how to have the most amazing time of your life.

Your health is not just your body but your mind. This one I know. Don't let the negative thoughts overwhelm you. It can be dangerous. You may feel lost and alone. You may feel no one understands you. I probably do better than anyone. I have been to very dark places, you may well know, or maybe you don't. Once I realised I could get help it changed a lot.

The world is there for the taking. Why not take it. You don't have to stay in this dingy little town. Save your money and see the world. Don't be in a hurry to settle down. Full time jobs, boyfriends, cars, houses, they are not important.

Little sister I am not going to tell you that you have made the wrong or right decisions, it's not my place. I will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Do what makes you happy not what makes others happy but do it for the right reasons also. I know you have your morals.

Don't forget that I will always be your big sis. I love you. If and when you need me I am here.

That is not me

Sometimes I am not sure whether I should write some things, but this has been playing on my mind.

So here goes. 

This story with an innocent text message asking me a simple question "why do you have two Facebook profiles?" Well I don't. I instantly freaked. Long term readers will be aware of the lovely letter I got sent to my work or the twitter profile set up in my daughters name.

I got sent two pictures. As you can see yes there are two profiles of me on Facebook. Well I only have one so who is this other person

Now, most people these days use Facebook on their mobile or tablet. They tend to forget that you can set a URL for your facebook. That little bit right after facebook.com, so https://www.facebook.com/JohnSmith for example.

The kind fellow who sent me these pics was only two helpful in going on to a PC and emailing me the link to this page, as it seemed I had blocked me. Imagine my surprise when I received that link.

https://www.facebook.com/danny.kissane.16

Go on click on it before it gets taken down.

If it has already been taken down here is a little pic.I have added some helpful arrow to show you the errors Danny Kissane seems to have made.

If you look the cover photo was changed on the 11th of September 2103, so who knows how long this account has been active.

So who is Danny Kissane you may ask. Well that is a very good question, well he is a nothing to me. He was the boyfriend of the kid's Godmother many moons ago. He is at best a mediocre DJ that works in The Hippodrome Casino in Leicester Square. He has no baring or consequence on my life.

I dug a little deeper in to this. Why would he go to the trouble of doing this. Well it turns out he had been talking to men, as me. Chatting up / hitting on / flirting with men. Whatever you want to call it, it without a doubt makes the story weirder, he has a girlfriend and as far as I know he is not gay. I don't know how many men but I want to truly apologise to the girlfriends of them men that may have got hurt during this. I suppose I should apologise to the men, you have been well and truly catfished. 

catfish

A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

So are all these things linked. The letter, the twitter account the facebook. Well I can't prove they are. But if there are we have one sick individual on our hands. If they are not it is still a disturbing concept. 

So what next. Well the police have all these details. I have reported the page as fake. If you are friends with said page please remove it. 

Please take this tale of caution and beware that things on the internet are not all the seem. Keep in mind that there are some nasty, vindictive people out there.

Before I met you

Before I met him I existed.  I had friends (and enemies). Long lost loves and those that were not so far away. Oh and that depression thing that sometimes bothers my brain.

Over the last few months with him it has been a constant battle. My life and philosophies didn't fit. My down days were cause for annoyance. Some of my friends were not quite right. I lost one of these friends briefly, because I thought I could make things right with him.

I met him by accident, after a social experiment with a dating site. He made me laugh and we had so much in common. We played silly games over text and sent each other stupid pictures of our days. All that happy stuff that should happen. After the first date I drove home with a smile on my face. I didn't think I would hear from him. I was awkward and said all manner of ridiculous things. But he text me. I was elated.

I knew I wanted to see him again. We spent the weekend together and laughed a lot. It was what I had been looking for. Someone to share my life with in a way I had not done in such a long time.

As always with me it wasn't meant to be. I should have known that after the first blip. These issues were not ones that were likely to go away. But I was besotted. Maybe it was the idea of having a relationship, but more likely it was that I genuinely liked him.

I've said it once and I will say it again, I am terrible with intimacy. One-on-one talks about things that "matter" are not for me. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from them. I don't think shy is the right word to explain it, but I find it extremely uncomfortable, like a knickers that you bought when you were a size smaller but still insist on wearing. He wanted to talk so many things over, things that I didn't even see as issues. It made me want to pull away from him. Talk even less. not try and initiate them funny chats we used to have for fear of it becoming another drawn out discussion about feelings.

I don't think he is a bad person. In fact he is the perfect guy. Just not the perfect guy for me. I am sure out there is the girl he is looking for. I am not prepared to change to be that girl. You might think I am stubborn. I probably am. But I spent a lot of time in my life not being happy just to try and make the one I loved happy. At the grand-old-age of 31 I am not going to do that again.

It wasn't my past that caused the woes in this relatively short term relationship. It was the present. Social media was a constant cause of friction. Twitter, instagram, facebook. I wasn't doing it "right". I didn't change the type of interactions I was having on line and he didn't like them. Suddenly he was in my life so I should somehow behave differently both in real life and online.

Let's talk about my depression. It's under control. My medication has decreased and I no longer feel the need for sleeping tablets. I still struggle with sleeping but not to the extent I used to. I am by no means cured, but I am healthier. He struggled with it. I don't hold it against him. I have moments in my life when I just want to lay down, contemplate the world, cry for no reason. I cannot predict when these moments will happen, how long they will last or what triggers them. I do however have a support network in place. I am not in the right place to ask anyone else for help or let anyone else in to these dark places. I don't mind if you want to get in blanket fort and hide with me. You can bring a book to amuse yourself. What I don't need is the expectation that I want to, or have to, share what is in my mind. Most of the times I don't even have the words to describe it.

All I want from a relationship is fun an laughter. It doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful. That is not to say that it isn't deep and meaningful. There is no better feeling than laughing and smiling so much that it hurts your face. That's what I have with my friends. That is what I want with my partner.

I will leave you my dear readers, with a bit of advice. One night I was drunk in a classy establishment, I forget now whether it was Reading or Swindon. It's not relevant. I drunkenly told my friend that I loved her. Like you do in that drunk way, "I love you man, you're my best friend". Well we didn't have a drunken, teary, girly hug. No. She shouted at me "don't say it if you don't mean it".

She was right. She always is. Don 't say it if you don't mean it. But I would like to add, if you mean it, say it, say it with all your heart and soul, but be prepared to back it up.

Lost

I've felt lost before. But this is a whole new way. 

I don't feel the inspiration to write or draw, to be creative. I don't have the muse I need to use the beautiful words that make me smile. 

I lie here awake till the early hours wondering what's next. Sometimes Dollydog digs up the pillow next to me and does that dog circle thing they do before they lay down to sleep. That amuses me for a while. 

On a clear night I'll leave the blinds open and watch the stars pass by but that doesn't help. It's taken my a week to get this many sentences written. 

When I started this blog under the name 28 year old single mum, I didnt think it would be read. It was just meant as an outlet for the things I tried to say but couldn't. A coping mechanism for my depression. 2 and a half years later and 34 thousand page views i couldn't be more pleased with the results. 

I've had so much support from people I know and strangers who have stumbled across my rambling. Not only on the serious stuff like depression but on the fun self help guides and my travels in the world of tattooing. 

I want to thank you all for the kind things you have said. You may not know it but they have made a difference. 

And now to my point. I've come to realise I need to write more on here. Because it helps. I am sincerely unhappy right now. Struggling with the introvert who wants to hide away and the extrovert that wants to shout from the rooftops. 

I'm hiding away. My friends will vouch for that. I'm in my room with my books, art and candles. I don't want to come out. Getting out of bed seems more and more futile to me. This phone in my hand is the only real way I am having contact with the outside world. 

I'm fighting back the tears almost constantly and I don't know why.

One thing I do know is I have the bestest friends in the world. I want them to thank them from the bottom of my heart and soul for caring, checking in and having silly pointless conversations that make me laugh so much. 

Look how old my hands look.