Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to prevent a shark attack

A few days ago or maybe even a day ago (time is inconsequential) someone said to be, in all seriousness, "there's always a danger of a shark attack".
I don't think there is. I have been a human on this earth for nearly 30 years now and I have never encountered a shark that has attacked me. I have seen sharks, those little silver or red tipped ones at a pet shop, or bigger real ones at an aquarium.
Surviving a shark attack seems to be a real issue to some of you out there so here is how to prevent said attack.
1. Don't go in to the sea / ocean / an aquarium tank - sharks are a group of fish, this means they live in water, mostly seawater but occasionally freshwater. By staying out of water you a lessening your chance of shark attack by a significant percentage. However if you feel you must go in to water other than the bath or shower then read on.
2. Go swimming (if you have to) in a swimming pool - reports of people being maimed by sharks in swimming pools have reduced substantially since the government made it illegal to keep a predatory shark in a swimming pool. This is not true for box jelly fish. You can have as many of these as you like in a pool. Be careful out there.
3. If you going to ignore my advice and go in these watery places take heed - Do not for any reason whatsoever cover yourself in the blood of the virgin you just sacrificed to your god of choice. My god of choice is Ra the sun god if you want to know. Hathor is also a good god as recommended to my by my lovely Archeologist friend.
4. If you still manage to come across a shark then move away from it - Don't let the nippy little buggers bite you. Either swim or run of you can away from said shark. Seems simple really but staying and fighting is a fools game.
5. The notorious zombie shark - Much discussion has been had on this topic and I think we can agree the zombie shark can 'live' on land. After all zombies are the undead. However, The probably wouldn't be very agile so you could probably just walk away. You could probably uppercut the undead-fishy-bastards if you wanted before departing. Don't be too relaxed in this situation it won't be long before zombie sharks start walking on their tale fins in the style of sharky from sharky and george (crimebusters of the sea)

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