Monday, March 11, 2013

Everyone is shit

Well not everyone. If you are reading this there is a 50/50 chance you are shit.

A lot of people are turning out to be shit at the moment. Or people I have known to be shit for some time now are proving their shitness by just being more shit.

Below are some examples of shitness. If you recognise these traits in yourself it may well turn out that you are shit.

Talking shit: Now there are 2 categories of talking shit so pay attention.
1 – Lies – Stop telling lies. No one wants to hear your lies. Telling lies is shit. You have 2 ways of getting out of this. Either become brutally honest regardless of feelings or become honest but censor yourself with the age old saying “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”.
2 – Saying not nice things – Saying not nice things is, well, not nice. Even worse saying these not nice things about your friend increases your shitness exponentially. If you have to say not nice things about your friends you should realise you are in fact, not a good friend and you should do one. To make this simple, friends do and say nice things.

Not turning up – Not turning up makes you shit. Being late I can tolerate as long as the lateness is within 30 minutes of the designated rendezvous time. Anything later than 30 minutes would require you to have a note signed by your mum to explain your social faux-pas. Not turning up at all without a prior warning of non-attendance is shit. Leaving a person hanging with potential attendance is also shit. Make a decision and inform those involved. Stop being shit.

Waking me up – Don’t wake me up, it’s shit of you. Especially don’t wake me up because of alcohol induced rage, tears or horniness. I am tired. I don’t sleep much. And whatever it is that you feel you must tell me about at 3am can probably wait. Exceptions to this rules are as follows: Dead celebrities, snow, we are on weekends away, you are my kid. Other exceptions such as nuclear war and it’s a hot sunny day will be judged on a case by case basis.

Style thief – The style thief is shit. Massively shit. Style is personal and must never be mimicked. Admittedly we are all fashion victims and will pander to the catwalks and high streets. But that is just following the trends. It is what comes after that matters. Don’t tell someone you like their, outfit, shoes etc. and then go and buy the exact same thing. Don’t notice a friends hairstyle or colour and the very next day go and have it done for yourself. And the most important one for me, never, ever, ever, ever get the same tattoo as someone. Copying may be the sincerest form of flattery but it is also a bit creepy and most definitely shit.

Mood swings – Now here I am not talking just general shifts in demeanour. I am talking about those massively unexplainable shifts in attitude that befuddle and piss people off. The best example of this kind of shitness is the one that concerns not getting what you want in the relationship stakes.
I love you
I miss you
I need you
Please give me a chance
Well fuck you then you prick
I still have them naked pics of you and I will post them on the internet.
This is shit. It makes life hard work. Stop being irritating and shit. If you do not get the response you want just move on. No need for this shit aggression.

Being a fucking cheapskate – We are all skint. Which is, in itself, shit. However we all pay our own way. And many of us are happy to help out those that may be skinter than most. However the shitness that we cannot tolerate is the shitness of being unwilling to put your hand in your pocket. If it’s a meal, split it. If it’s your round, buy it. And if you have to pay just that little bit extra because you are slightly better off, don’t be shit, just fucking do it.

Not indicating – This one goes out to all the Costco customers out there, can I get a whoop-whoop. Actually no, don’t bother, I don’t want it. What the fuck is wrong with you cunts? Why the fuck can’t you just stop being shit and indicate. This includes corners and roundabouts.  

I am sure there are other forms of shitness. I shall probably re-visit this in the future, I will see you there.

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