A guide to getting dumped

Ask any one of my friends and they will tell you that I am awful at relationships. I have done my fair share of dumping and been dumped a lot. With this in mind I share with you my definitive guide to getting dumped.

1. Conduct discussions via text. Discussions on the phone or especially face to face seek to clarify situations. This is not useful when being dumped. All conversations should be had by text to cause confusion and make you second guess yourself and the situation. Whilst having these text conversations you should ask wholly unreasonable questions like "would you be so kind as to explain the current situation in frank detail as its confusing". It is out of order for you to expect a response other than: I'm confused, I'm not sure and it's not you it's me.

2. Enter a relationship with a serial dumper. It's a good idea for you to think you can change the dumper. Of course you can. Put all your trust in to this dumper as it will be different for you guys. The serial dumper will promise you the moon on a stick, as that is, after all, what you want. You will then be sorely disappointed when you don't get it. But good on you for being so optimistic to think you wouldn't be dumped.

3. Carry on being yourself. All them reasons that your dumper was attracted to you for, they want you to stop them. Say you like to go out and dance like an utter idiot with your friends and laugh so much you can't breathe, well you should stop that as it now causes the dumper embarrassment. Carry on at your own peril.

4. Be honest. Being honest about what you are thinking and what you are doing in your life will cause the dumper confusion. This is especially good when combined with point 1.
Example: The text 'I miss you' will arrive at the other persons phone as 'I cannot stand being apart from you for one minute of my life. It's harrowing and sorrowful I can barely continue to breathe. Please help me by running away to live on a yacht with me in international waters where I can have all your attention 24/7.'. Your intention was to let the dumper know you are thinking of them as they are important to you but the dumper now believes you are clingy and unable to control your emotions. Dumping achieved!

5. Spend time with your friends. The dumper doesn't like your friends and thinks you spend too much time with them yet refuses to join in and attend social events. This is showing the dumper you are not entirely devoted to them.

6. Don't spend time with your friend. You are too clingy and needy the dumper needs space. Dumping ahoy!

7. Laugh. Relationships are jolly serious thing and should be approached as such. Your insistence on having fun and laughing is not what the dumper wants. They want all serious all the time. Rows should be had and not ignored in favour of saying something amusing. If you are not going to act like a "grown up" (what ever that is) you will get dumped.

8. Have sex. God all you are is about sex. Don't you think of anything else. I don't care if it is the honeymoon period and you constantly want to jump the dumpers bones. You must not. It gives the wrong impressions. Talk about art and philosophy and the weather instead.

9. Don't have sex. You frigid bastard. All you do is go on about art and philosophy and the weather. The dumper really doesn't feel that you are physically attracted to them.

10. Have friends of the opposite sex. How on this earth is it possible for you to have friends of the opposite sex without engaging in coitus all of the time? It's not possible. It can't be possible. Friends of the opposite sex cause jealousy and therefore should be hidden or you will be dumped for being a brazen hussy.