Wow I am a miserable fuck.
I have looked through all this stuff and I only seem to write about the stuff that makes me sad. Maybe there is inspiration in melancholy.
This week I have been most suicidal. Actually no suicidal is wrong. I don't want to kill myself I just don't wanna exist. If I fell asleep and didn't wake up I would be cool with that. I don't know why I have felt like this. I do know I have been feeling this way for a while and it all came to a head last weekend.
Depression is a really hard thing to explain because (to me) it is not sadness of nothingness. It is utter despair, inconsolable tears, hopelessness.
I think in this moment I put to much importance (or prominence) on a friendship in my life that (again in my view) has been very one way. I thought that even a hello would help but I heard nothing. Now admittedly I did not reach out and ask for help, but i couldn't. And when I did there was not reason for the radio silence it was just that I am not a priority.
Shit that sucked. The dawning realisation that the support you really needed in that moment was there.
There were a lot of people there though. Strangers on the Internet, friends around the corner and in other cities. And I can't thank them enough for the time they took and the words they shared.
Back to the story. I reacted, in my true fashion probably in haste and probably a bit too much gusto. We call it the gung-ho approach to human emotions. I know what I meant to say but it came out at 12.30am, after just 3 hours sleep the night before, as, and I paraphrase here, as "fuck you, you suck".
Ahh balls. Well that friendship is fucked.
You may ask why I tell you guys these things. Fuck knows. To make you laugh maybe. I hope my foibles amuse you.
This time I want you to take something away with you. It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past week experienced a common mental health problem. If you are that one, take care, go to the doctor if you need to. Talk to a trusted friend or confidant. Take your meds. Be safe. If that is not you, take a look around, does a friend or family member seem as though they need a little more support? Have they come to you for help? If so, take a little more time out of your day just to listen, talk, or even sit in silence and stare at QVC.
And honestly, sincerely asking "how are you?" can make a huge difference to people in a moment of need.
If your that friend. I'm sorry for what I said but I thought I meant more to you.