What is love?

Of the five theories in this article in the Comment is Free section of the Guardian I think the most accurate is by Catherine Wybourne a Benedictine nun. Maybe not the loving God above all things but the rest rings true.

"Love is more easily experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love's the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest blessing."

Seahorse

A moment in life

public displays of affection

Is PDA A-OK?

The public display of affection (PDA), is it ok?

This last weekend my friends and I bore witness to a PDA. Well I say a PDA. The whole evening was an elaborate ruse. We were just to pawns in a game of "I am gonna bone this girl". This PDA was more scent marking the area. He might as well had pissed on her right there at the bar.

The married among us were shocked that people act like this beyond the age of 15. The single among us were scared that this is now how we need to act to find a significant other. All of us were feeling a little bit queasy at the sight.

Beyond hand holding (whilst walking only) and the occasionally peck on the lips / cheek when sharing a bit of an 'in' joke, PDAs are not ok.

I do not need to see you and your most recent catch, or even your long term lover, basically dry humping. Especially so when we are only out and not out-out.

for the sake of happiness

When should you give up what you believe for the sake of happiness?

I have taken a lot of them personality test things during my career, Belbin, MBTI, SDI.

Things that have said about me are:

A dynamic team-member

loves a challenge and thrives on pressure.

possesses the drive and courage required to overcome obstacles.

Seeks patterns in group work;

pushes group toward agreement and decisions

challenges others

Prone to provocation

Offends people's feelings

Let's just sum it up. I think I am right and I am going to argue the toss about it.

But, should I give up on some things. Should I say sorry for something, regardless of how I feel about it, to maintain happiness?

Ordinarily this would not be a question I would have to answer. I just don't tend to care. But this time I really do. I have been in a dark scary place for the past two days. I am struggling to function again. I want to be in bed far away from the world and iphones and twitter. My panic attacks have been so bad that my tablets are not touching them and I have barely slept. I was up at 4.30 this morning trying to contain my tears.

I have been hurt by the lack of trust in me and feel I have been tarred by the brush of the behaviours of others. It would be easy for me to plead forgiveness but for what? For being who I am?

I don't what to do now. Do I just chalk this one up to experience. I don't want to give up but maybe I have to. Is it true that the thing that attracts someone to you is the thing that makes them turn away? Is the start of a relationship doomed to be the thing that is held against you in the end?

Surviving a long distance relationship

 

When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
 

Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
 

Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
 

Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
 

1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.

Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
 

4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
 

5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
 

6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
 

7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
 

8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
 

9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
 

10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

How to get over heartache

We have all experienced the pain of heartache. It's a horrible helpless feeling that can't really be explained. The lovely @obscurethingy thinks you should "wallow in it; enjoy every bitter sweet moment."

As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.

1. Hide away from the world - You are an utter mess. You emotions are up and down more than normal happy folk care to know about. Your need to hide away in you room under your duvet where your tearful, puffy, red, forlorn face cannot be seen by the public. They don't need you bringing them down.
2. Text - Ignore helpful texts from friends. Instead spend as much time as possible sending texts to the one that made you feel this way. This will make you feel like an utter dickhead a few months from now, but don't worry about that live in the moment. Some ideas for texts are:
   Shock- I can't believe you are doing this
   Anger - I hate you so much
   Sex - How about a quickie for old times sake
   Love - I love you so much
   Resignation - Make that fake resignation, lets be friends.
   Make sure that the message you send are extrememly long so it will bore their intended recipient. 
3. Social media - make sure you share every single tiny little bit of your heart ache on all available social networks.
   Facebook - long winded status about how sad you are and can't beleive this has happened, when a friend asks if you are ok you must reply either; I don't want to talk about it, or I'll text you it's personal. Maybe post some sad songs on there off youtube. Finally change your picture to a sad but cute thing.
   Twitter - As many tweets as you can about how sad and hurt and deep you are.
   Instagram and Tumblr - Sad, sad, sad pictures with emo tags and titles. Make sure you also post these to twitter and facebook.
4. Food - Now you have two options when it comes to food. Firstly you lay in bed eating all available food in your house then order out for more food with added extras and drinks with all the sugar. Get fat and sweaty and cry more. Or the other option is do not eat. This one is more for women. Don't eat apart from maybe a boiled egg a day and some diet coke. You will then be told that being dumped agrees with you and you are hot and thin. Thin doesn't mean hot but people will say it to humour you.
5. Have a great time - Go out, get hammered, get in as many hilarious photos as possible, cry over the person in the pub toilet, sleep around. All of these things will make you feel momentarily better and the aftermath of the hangover, the untagging on facebook, the hilarious Oh Em Gee look at me I am so funny on facebook and the inevitable chlamydia will make you forget the sad, sad pain deep in your soul.

My final advice to you is cry. Cry so harder your neighbours can hear you. Wail like a baby. Cry so much that your eyes and throat both run out of any kind of liquid substance. Once all of this is done cry some more. Cry them sad little tears of memories and what might have beens when you are laying in bed at night.

If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.

An example of number 3, social media

But just who is #BlueEyes

I have been asked recently who blue eyes is and what happened between us.

If you don't know I am not going to tell you. The past few months have been such happy times, contrary to his opinion, that others sharing their thoughts on it will just take that away and that's not what I want.

The few months when he was mine went so quick I really don't feel I got a chance and maybe he misjudged me. Sadly I can't change that. All I know is that it wasn't what he thought and it meant more to me than I let on.

As for what happened, I don't really understand and I doubt I will get an explanation. It's not like I will run in to him at asda. It's a 2 hour drive to his local supermarket.

I want so bad just to say hey and chat like we did at the start but I can't and that's the most upsetting thing. I lost that thing that I don't think I was actually meant to find.

If you don't understand that don't worry. I guess I am still in The Smiths phase after all.

Love you. Miss you. #BlueEyes

No hope, no harm

I fell in love again. That was my mistake. To think that I could pull it off. I can't. I am no good at relationships. I think I am destined to have loads of cats and a house that smells of wee.

For the last week I have been waking up feeling sad and hopeless. I've been trying to ignore it. The weather has been lush. I've spent time with my boys whom I love. I got a tattoo (you know, standard behaviour). These are the things that make me happy. Not even the fun of the rubicon mango advert has been able to lift me out of my funk.

At the back of my head has been a feeling of 'you fucked it up again dougal'. That feeling of dread of losing grip and having no control over it.

Once again I ended up in tears at my desk. I cried my heart out. I don't know if it was rightly or wrongly but I cried. Now I know it was rightly. That I'm a failure in all matters of the heart. I just wish I had been told. Not just had to assume the worst and beg for the truth.

It was fate for me to meet him and fall in love I know that. Cos now I know there are others out there. And I kinda always knew it was fate for me to end up crying on my own cos it didn't work out.

The funny thing is that yes, I have been feeling awful these past few days. And today I did feel like I couldn't breathe but I am such a pro at getting dumped now that I know I am gonna be fine soon enough. I will get the city and colour and the smiths phase out of my system sooner rather than later.

I have recruited a new wingman this morning. I do hope he is good at it. He owes me due to the effort I put into his twitter campaign. Just waiting for the big-gay-night-out. I'll report back on how he gets on as my helper.

Would say I love you all but it would lead to bad things. Peace out soul sisters (and brothers)

Panic attacks

No reason other than I liked it

Panic attacks can be a very scary experience. I wouldn't recommend them to a friend
They irritate the shit out of me and there is nothing I can do to make them stop. I have tried believe me.

It's an irrational state of fear, despair and dread that often ends up in tears.


There is no route cause I can find to why they happen. I will be happy as Larry (Larry is notoriusly happy) on mean and the next I am freaking out like  Quagmire(C-3PO): "Just tell me right now that I don't have to stay in this room."

The often come at inconvienient moments. I will end up at my desk in tears or be at home on my own and only really want to talk to one person in the world but not feel confident enough that they would want to speak to me so not ring them.
They are very hard to describe it feels as if you are going to die. Your haert is pounding so much and it becomes hard to breathe. 
I have learnt more and more to just relax and breathe but you can get stuck in a loop where you worry about the attack which causes anxiety and therefore exasperating or casusing an attack.

Panic attacks are different to anxiety and are thought to occur more often in people with above average intelligence (so get you if you suffer maybe you can join mensa)
Anxiety is that butterflies in the stomach feeling, feeling like you want to run away, its worry basically. And who wants to worry? no one, cos it is rubbish.

Think I need an Alice tattoo

The most common (because its easiest) thing to do is to avoid the thing that is causing the anxiety. This is easy enough but it is not going to solve the problem in the long term. You need to face up to the things that worry you and find a way of dealing with them. And if they are out of your hands, so be it, let them go. Easier said than done I can assure you. I wish I could let things go. I wish I could just not worry and panic and cry.

I give myself all sorts of useful advice. I then take it upon myself to ignore my very good ideas. My most recent good idea to ignore was to fall in love. It's never a good idea to be in love when you are insecure with yourself. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I don't deserve it. And believing compliments is tough. Why would anyone love me why would they say nice things about me. I sound all a bit doom and gloom and woe is me but its not the case. I am feeling happy in my life recently. But there is always the fear "you're gonna walk away too" retrouvailles.

I have managed to follow one bit of my own advice. I am on day 146 of being straight edge. Still not having problems with it.

I am having problems with the fact that summer has just started though. Summer brings moths. I hate moths. They are the ghosts of butterflies here to haunt me and my lamp. I also hate butterflies, flappy devils.
If you have any advice for me let me know, leave a comment or send me a tweet @DougalMcT

 

Love is.. Conceptually irrational

Try to explain to me what love is, romantic love, without using google or wikipedia tell me how you view love.

Love is a complex creature, emotions that defy rational explanation. Is it real though, there are books, poems, songs and films about it??? But, in the Japanese language until the late nineteenth century there was no word for ‘love’.

To tell someone you love them is a scary moment: what if they don't say it back? What if they do say it back? What if it's too much and they walk away and leave you?

When i last told someone I loved them it scared the crap out of me. The wait for a response seemed to be hours long. I didn't even know what response I wanted. I guess anything but "fuck off".

Sometimes we just need to be more open about our feelings. Telling people when they have hurt us so we don't bottle up feelings of resentment that ultimately ruin friendships. And more importantly telling people we love them or they make us happy or just the sight of a text popping up on your phone makes you feel all funny in the belly.

We should also believe more in fate and destiny. But not confuse the two. It may be fate for you to meet someone and it may be fate for you to fall in love but you may not be destined to be together forever. Just live life how it comes and savour them perfect little moments.

I leave you with this: in French there is a word Retrouvailles which means the happiness of meeting again after a long time.
For those in long distance relationships or who are apart for long periods of time I salute you. This word is for you, it's a poetic way of describing that small bit of relationship bliss.

 Dear readers, I treasure each and every one of you! Xx

Valentines day is not very good

I find I write better when I am having some kind of crisis.
I'm having a crisis right now. This panic attack has been going on for a good few hours now and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's gone midnight so I am sure I will knacker myself out in the next few hours. And I am really looking forward to my wake up calls tomorrow. Expect me to swear at you chaps.

To fill my time and distract me from my idiotic brain I have started reading philosophy again. I get lost in the words and theories. My current favourite place to get lost is the Internet encyclopaedia of philosophy. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to know where to look to see things from a different angle. Or baffle themselves so much that they forget what they were crying over.

I am reading about love tonight. It is themed philosophic night after all. I have been in love. 4 times. I think this makes me awfully lucky. I might be in love again one day. I hope so. It's such a jolly nice feeling. All warm and smushy.

I hope you have all got your significant others something suitably awful to celebrate this the most wonderful of Tuesday's. I again shall be hanging out with the kid watching her as she plays movie star planet and I say witty remarks on twitter. I am glad that this year is shall miss the ritual of the happy ladies trek to reception to pick up flowers from their dreamy other half.

That said I shall spend valentines day being extraordinarily jealous of your cohabiting and codependence and your coitus.

I am free to spend the evening playing cutlery on the sofa if anyone wants to make a last minute confession of undying love for me.

Love you all (but not like that)

The girl with the matching tattoos

I will throw myself in. I do it a lot. I meet someone. I rant on to anyone who listens about how great they are and then they turn out to be a massive bender.

Sometimes throwing yourself in works. The kids dad and I made it to 7 and a half years. And now, even though we may occasionally hate each other when one or the other of us doesn't get our own way, we get on amazingly. I know that I could ring him right now, say "brush your teeth" and hang up and he would play along. (by the way kids dad brush your teeth)

Other times throwing yourself in will make you feel like a wreck of a person and endanger friendships that are so much more important that you realize at the time.

I am the girl with the matching tattoos, I lived the heartache of pining for someone that i threw myself in to. I pushed friends away and then sobbed on them when time and time again when i was let down. I won't cover the tattoos, I keep them to remind me, not only of all the awful things but of those amazingly happy times when it was only me and him in the world and all I could do was smile and be in love.

I would love to say I have learnt my lesson. I haven't. I will do it again but you never know the next one could last for a week, 7 years or forever.

I gave some tattoo advice last time and this time I have probably this most important piece I am going I say: don't get the matching tattoo and don't get pulled in by the curse of the name tattoo. Tattoo the memories and the things that make you happy. Don't tattoo the moment because in a second it could be over.

And next one. Don't be scared I'm not proposing marriage, just promising truth and if that scares you off then it wasn't meant to be.

All my tattoos

I have tattoos. Currently I have 16 or 15.

The maths involved is as follows:
Right leg 3. This shall be my flowery 'sock'
Middle finger left hand 1. Coming out though
Stomach 2. My beautiful swallows by Shaun bonanas
Left arm 2: one one my 13s and something rubbish
Right arm 4: eventually this will be my sleeve by Sam ricketts
Left ribs 1: seemed like a good idea
Back 3: tribal shit from being 18. Kids name. And a beautiful anchor and ship piece.
Left leg: ha-pea

This coming weekend i shall be adding 3 more to my collection. I love every single one of my tattoos and they all have stories that will probably bore you but I will share each one in time.

This weekend Scott Owen at Mantra Tattoo will be adding a robot with a ghetto blaster to my left leg. I have decided this will be my leg of fun stuff that makes me smile.
The robot is saying beep and was drawn entirely by my beautiful kid. She doesn't want to get any tattoos. I find that surprising as I have so many but i look around me and I live in a world where there are very few tattoos on show and the ones that are are little 'girly' ones.

As I am more tattooed than most in my world I come in for a lot of criticism.

'you'll be covered soon' - that's the point

'how will you look when you are a nan' - who said the kid is having a kid

'what happens when you get married?' - I am 29 and very much single. I can't see love heading this way anytime soon. And if it ever does I am sure my future imaginary husband will have seen my tattoos and know what he is in for.

My favourite though came from a complete stranger at one of them terrible corporate Christmas parties "I like your tattoos, don't get anymore though". I was very much confused by this statement and just replied with "thanks for showing me the error of my ways. I was lost before I found you"

Let's get back to that imaginary husband. I cannot imagine he would not have tattoos. When I am in that dream land between awake and asleep where the depression can't get you I see him and he has loads of tattoos. And not them trendy chino wearing trendy ones. Beautiful pieces of art by amazing artists as well as the ones that hold all the memories. Just like mine.

All I can say is my love of this art form has lead me to meet some people in my life that I wouldn't have normally come across. Every new tattoo I get makes me feel more and more like me and less and less like the girl who who once spent 2 solid weeks in bed either sleeping or crying.