What is love?

Of the five theories in this article in the Comment is Free section of the Guardian I think the most accurate is by Catherine Wybourne a Benedictine nun. Maybe not the loving God above all things but the rest rings true.

"Love is more easily experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love's the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest blessing."

for the sake of happiness

When should you give up what you believe for the sake of happiness?

I have taken a lot of them personality test things during my career, Belbin, MBTI, SDI.

Things that have said about me are:

A dynamic team-member

loves a challenge and thrives on pressure.

possesses the drive and courage required to overcome obstacles.

Seeks patterns in group work;

pushes group toward agreement and decisions

challenges others

Prone to provocation

Offends people's feelings

Let's just sum it up. I think I am right and I am going to argue the toss about it.

But, should I give up on some things. Should I say sorry for something, regardless of how I feel about it, to maintain happiness?

Ordinarily this would not be a question I would have to answer. I just don't tend to care. But this time I really do. I have been in a dark scary place for the past two days. I am struggling to function again. I want to be in bed far away from the world and iphones and twitter. My panic attacks have been so bad that my tablets are not touching them and I have barely slept. I was up at 4.30 this morning trying to contain my tears.

I have been hurt by the lack of trust in me and feel I have been tarred by the brush of the behaviours of others. It would be easy for me to plead forgiveness but for what? For being who I am?

I don't what to do now. Do I just chalk this one up to experience. I don't want to give up but maybe I have to. Is it true that the thing that attracts someone to you is the thing that makes them turn away? Is the start of a relationship doomed to be the thing that is held against you in the end?

Surviving a long distance relationship

 

When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
 

Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
 

Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
 

Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
 

1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.

Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
 

4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
 

5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
 

6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
 

7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
 

8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
 

9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
 

10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

Let's talk about sex baby

Actually let's not. I'm kinda bored of hearing about it. Well I am not. No one ever is. But 50 shades of grey seems to have put sex at the forefront of everyone's conversation instead of their mind.

I haven't read 50 shades of grey and I am not going to. It's twilight fan fiction. I have not seen any of the twilight films and I am not going to do that either.

From what I understand 50sog is softcore bdsm with very little story line. A 20 something woman who is a little naive.

Now, we all know that deep down inside we are all a little bit perverted. But clinging on to a love a fictional possibly vampire boy it taking it to a new level. Read the sex scenes again. I bet you have had more exciting sex yourself, well hopefully you have. I think the quantity may have just overwhelmed you.

And Mr Grey himself. Why are you all getting wet over him ladies? He isn't what I would call a fair representation of a male dom. He is manipulative and controlling and generally a bit of a cunt. Doms should be protective of you. Yes they push you out of your comfort zone, especially when it comes to sex. They don't however make you feel weak.

Don't start hoping now that all your partners will turn in to the next Mr Grey. It takes a certain kind of person to be a Dom. I have met 2 in my life and I recognize the qualities they have very quickly. There is a difference between a Dom and a dickhead.

So go out there ladies and explore your newly unlocked perversion. I'm proud of you for being so open about it. I'll even give you some tips on how to be a well behaved sub if you want. But tonight when you and your mister are making sweet, sweet love (fucking) don't think about Mr Grey. He is a cunt and is girlfriend is feeble.

OH MY!!!

How to get over heartache

We have all experienced the pain of heartache. It's a horrible helpless feeling that can't really be explained. The lovely @obscurethingy thinks you should "wallow in it; enjoy every bitter sweet moment."

As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.

1. Hide away from the world - You are an utter mess. You emotions are up and down more than normal happy folk care to know about. Your need to hide away in you room under your duvet where your tearful, puffy, red, forlorn face cannot be seen by the public. They don't need you bringing them down.
2. Text - Ignore helpful texts from friends. Instead spend as much time as possible sending texts to the one that made you feel this way. This will make you feel like an utter dickhead a few months from now, but don't worry about that live in the moment. Some ideas for texts are:
   Shock- I can't believe you are doing this
   Anger - I hate you so much
   Sex - How about a quickie for old times sake
   Love - I love you so much
   Resignation - Make that fake resignation, lets be friends.
   Make sure that the message you send are extrememly long so it will bore their intended recipient. 
3. Social media - make sure you share every single tiny little bit of your heart ache on all available social networks.
   Facebook - long winded status about how sad you are and can't beleive this has happened, when a friend asks if you are ok you must reply either; I don't want to talk about it, or I'll text you it's personal. Maybe post some sad songs on there off youtube. Finally change your picture to a sad but cute thing.
   Twitter - As many tweets as you can about how sad and hurt and deep you are.
   Instagram and Tumblr - Sad, sad, sad pictures with emo tags and titles. Make sure you also post these to twitter and facebook.
4. Food - Now you have two options when it comes to food. Firstly you lay in bed eating all available food in your house then order out for more food with added extras and drinks with all the sugar. Get fat and sweaty and cry more. Or the other option is do not eat. This one is more for women. Don't eat apart from maybe a boiled egg a day and some diet coke. You will then be told that being dumped agrees with you and you are hot and thin. Thin doesn't mean hot but people will say it to humour you.
5. Have a great time - Go out, get hammered, get in as many hilarious photos as possible, cry over the person in the pub toilet, sleep around. All of these things will make you feel momentarily better and the aftermath of the hangover, the untagging on facebook, the hilarious Oh Em Gee look at me I am so funny on facebook and the inevitable chlamydia will make you forget the sad, sad pain deep in your soul.

My final advice to you is cry. Cry so harder your neighbours can hear you. Wail like a baby. Cry so much that your eyes and throat both run out of any kind of liquid substance. Once all of this is done cry some more. Cry them sad little tears of memories and what might have beens when you are laying in bed at night.

If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.

An example of number 3, social media

No hope, no harm

I fell in love again. That was my mistake. To think that I could pull it off. I can't. I am no good at relationships. I think I am destined to have loads of cats and a house that smells of wee.

For the last week I have been waking up feeling sad and hopeless. I've been trying to ignore it. The weather has been lush. I've spent time with my boys whom I love. I got a tattoo (you know, standard behaviour). These are the things that make me happy. Not even the fun of the rubicon mango advert has been able to lift me out of my funk.

At the back of my head has been a feeling of 'you fucked it up again dougal'. That feeling of dread of losing grip and having no control over it.

Once again I ended up in tears at my desk. I cried my heart out. I don't know if it was rightly or wrongly but I cried. Now I know it was rightly. That I'm a failure in all matters of the heart. I just wish I had been told. Not just had to assume the worst and beg for the truth.

It was fate for me to meet him and fall in love I know that. Cos now I know there are others out there. And I kinda always knew it was fate for me to end up crying on my own cos it didn't work out.

The funny thing is that yes, I have been feeling awful these past few days. And today I did feel like I couldn't breathe but I am such a pro at getting dumped now that I know I am gonna be fine soon enough. I will get the city and colour and the smiths phase out of my system sooner rather than later.

I have recruited a new wingman this morning. I do hope he is good at it. He owes me due to the effort I put into his twitter campaign. Just waiting for the big-gay-night-out. I'll report back on how he gets on as my helper.

Would say I love you all but it would lead to bad things. Peace out soul sisters (and brothers)