What is love?

Of the five theories in this article in the Comment is Free section of the Guardian I think the most accurate is by Catherine Wybourne a Benedictine nun. Maybe not the loving God above all things but the rest rings true.

"Love is more easily experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love's the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest blessing."

Surviving a long distance relationship

 

When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
 

Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
 

Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
 

Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
 

1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.

Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
 

4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
 

5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
 

6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
 

7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
 

8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
 

9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
 

10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

Friday night with music

Its Friday night, I am sure loads of you are out there having a super great time. I am at home switching between Kerrang and MTV Rocks whilst getting annoyed at the channels inbetween and occasionally stopping at Q when they have the odd good track. I will keep you up to date with the playlist.

Foo fighters - the pretender

My first thing I want to tell you all about is the response to my writing. I never in a minute expected this response to it. I started it 7 weeks ago on the advice of a super awesome entrepreneur and friend. At the time of me writing this I have had 786 views. That has really touched me. And the nice things people have been saying about it has had me in tears (the good kind). Being called brave and an inspiration are really not things I would expect to hear. I am so happy I can connect with you guys. And the person that called me 'fuckin amazin' I think the same of you. Thank you for opening up to me.

Led Zepplin - Kashmir

Something I have learnt from the messages I have received and the people I have spoken with is that I am not alone in this crazy, mixed up mental illness we call depression. People have commented to me that they never expected me to be sick in this way. I can see exactly their point when you guys open up to me and tell me you feel the same and you are taking X or Y tablets for it. I never expected my honesty to mean so much to you. I will never tell anyone the things you have told me, they are our secrets.

Lady Gaga - you and I
Muse - plug in baby
I want to also say thanks to Q10. Q10 has been amazing. I have had such a hard week. I can't pinpoint the exact reasoning but I have felt myself slipping backwards. It feels so hard to breathe sometime. I have spent the week in a state of total panic which is not going away. You know that feeling when you have butterflies in your tummy and your heart is pounding. I have been like that almost constantly except them few hours when I sleep.

Rihanna - we found love
Thanks for all the tattoo love. The next one is already planned and will be with us in 4 weeks. A lot of you have asked me for advice. All I can say is: research your artist, travel if you have to and pay good money. A cheap tattoo is a shit tattoo. I have a few of them myself. And if you are going to inflict pain and suffering on yourself in the name of art please invite me. Especially if you are going to Mantra in Cheltenham, I love these boys they are probably the best people you will come across in your life - go give them your money! (this is not an advertisement, maybe go to Wood Street instead)

Motorhead - ace of spades
You me at six - the consequence
Guns and Roses - sweet child of mine
Rizzle kicks - mama do the hump

The above list of tracks make me seem like I am really slow at typing,  I'm not, I was on twitter. Some of you even recieved a text during this interval.

Jessie J - Price tag
Tenacious D - Tribute

Seeing as we are doing thanks I wanna thank the super lady who bought me a ticket to see Ed sheeran, this will be amazing. And I wanna thank you, you know who you are, you are my favourite person right now! Oh and get me, I have been off the drink for over 4 weeks now!!!

Peace out for now dudes. You know where I am, probably at home, if not at SDs house, at the garage buying redbull, work, the liden, or on twitter @kirstytelling

Biffy clyro - the captain

Thanks guys - it means I love you in sign language

I want to say thanks to all readers for sending me such kind messages.

Who would have thought that just telling you all the truth and sharing all the things that I think of till the early hours would prompt such a response.

I will try to not get too surreal on you but i will keep saying things how I see them.

And i will probably broach most subjects. Of course if you happen to be included in one of these tales I shall not mention your name. Some people who are close to me in my life may be able to figure out who I mean. I trust these people will not name names.

If you want to break your anonymity and tell people i am writing about you I will take no exception to it.

But basically dudes you are great and thanks. Xxxx
Also keep saying nice things