Girls like you

Weird things stick in my head when people say them to me.

I went out to a trendy bar in Swindon this past saturday. Lets call it blongs, no that is too obvious lets call it Schlongs.

I haven't been in schlongs in years. It wasn't that bad actually. Not too many trendy cunts in grey sweatshirts with pictures of big boobed girls on the front. Not too busy like that other bar in the same area, lets call it Caker Street.

A strange thing happened in Schlongs and there were others round to bear witness. Someone took it upon themselves to touch my back and then pull down the back of my dress to look at my back piece. Strange. Why do people feel it is ok to touch me? I had to point out I am not pregnant. Pregnant women get touched a lot.

A nice bloke also came over to me. I think he was called Shane. He was asking about my tattoos. I was overly excited that I had work from Shaun Bonanos. He was a bit of a fan boy. He told me about his tattoos and how he was 40% covered.

He came out with a weird comment. He said to me "you're not from Swindon are you?" Well I am, born and bred. Apparently you don't get girls like me round here. He told me he was from Bristol and it was nice to meet a like minded person in these parts.

I don't know why this has stuck with me. But it has been in my head since he said it. There must be people like me out there.

Are you like me? Are you a hopeless romantic? Are you a tattooed lady in the west country? Do you feel a little lost in the world as you haven't found your place?

I have found a lot of like minded people in the world. but I have found them through twitter and they are all over the place. I think I will have to get them all together for a little party.

What do you say guys?

@addictingtattoo

The best I can do with a shit phone camera when I'm on my own on a Friday evening.

How to get over heartache

We have all experienced the pain of heartache. It's a horrible helpless feeling that can't really be explained. The lovely @obscurethingy thinks you should "wallow in it; enjoy every bitter sweet moment."

As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.

1. Hide away from the world - You are an utter mess. You emotions are up and down more than normal happy folk care to know about. Your need to hide away in you room under your duvet where your tearful, puffy, red, forlorn face cannot be seen by the public. They don't need you bringing them down.
2. Text - Ignore helpful texts from friends. Instead spend as much time as possible sending texts to the one that made you feel this way. This will make you feel like an utter dickhead a few months from now, but don't worry about that live in the moment. Some ideas for texts are:
   Shock- I can't believe you are doing this
   Anger - I hate you so much
   Sex - How about a quickie for old times sake
   Love - I love you so much
   Resignation - Make that fake resignation, lets be friends.
   Make sure that the message you send are extrememly long so it will bore their intended recipient. 
3. Social media - make sure you share every single tiny little bit of your heart ache on all available social networks.
   Facebook - long winded status about how sad you are and can't beleive this has happened, when a friend asks if you are ok you must reply either; I don't want to talk about it, or I'll text you it's personal. Maybe post some sad songs on there off youtube. Finally change your picture to a sad but cute thing.
   Twitter - As many tweets as you can about how sad and hurt and deep you are.
   Instagram and Tumblr - Sad, sad, sad pictures with emo tags and titles. Make sure you also post these to twitter and facebook.
4. Food - Now you have two options when it comes to food. Firstly you lay in bed eating all available food in your house then order out for more food with added extras and drinks with all the sugar. Get fat and sweaty and cry more. Or the other option is do not eat. This one is more for women. Don't eat apart from maybe a boiled egg a day and some diet coke. You will then be told that being dumped agrees with you and you are hot and thin. Thin doesn't mean hot but people will say it to humour you.
5. Have a great time - Go out, get hammered, get in as many hilarious photos as possible, cry over the person in the pub toilet, sleep around. All of these things will make you feel momentarily better and the aftermath of the hangover, the untagging on facebook, the hilarious Oh Em Gee look at me I am so funny on facebook and the inevitable chlamydia will make you forget the sad, sad pain deep in your soul.

My final advice to you is cry. Cry so harder your neighbours can hear you. Wail like a baby. Cry so much that your eyes and throat both run out of any kind of liquid substance. Once all of this is done cry some more. Cry them sad little tears of memories and what might have beens when you are laying in bed at night.

If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.

An example of number 3, social media

Power Rangers Needed

It's funny, I honestly have the best friends in the world. They have been awesome this past week when I have been feeling awful sad. Checking in on me and giving me the mate lines, you know, 'plenty more fish' and 'his loss'.

I have been dealing with a lot better than I expected to be. I was given an awesome happiness kit, thanks Frankie Cocozza. The lovely texts from Barry calling me a prude and from LiLi insinuating he was have special alone times with some pics of me.

This leads me to internet based acquaintances. They have been such lovely chaps and chapesses. Saying super nice things and being utterly hilarious. We have been having odd conversations that lead off on unexpected tangents.

So, with this in mind Deano Peppers and I are recruiting for the yellow and beige Power Rangers to add to our line up. Must have own spandex and giant robot animal. Must be good at morphing and be mighty. If you can harness the power of the dinosaurs to overcome the forces of evil it would be most useful.

If you are any good at lightspeed rescue, are a ninja storm or mystic force or you are a samuri get in touch.

You know the rules, tweet me @DougalMcT

Why I love twitter (Stacey is a knob)

The Stacey is a knob bit is an ode to one of the coolest people I know. Let us spend more time together and be mean girls.

Twitter is just super. I didn't join till 25 October 2010 which makes me a late starter. That is 562 days from the time of writing this. I have done 11088 tweets so that's around 19.7 tweets per day.

Facts and figures out the way twitter is great. It puts you in touch with like minded people who ordinarily you wouldn't get a chance to speak with. It's a place to speak your mind without fear of a verbal gang raping, as the people who follow have chosen to follow you for a reason, that being they are interested in what you have to say and have similar points of view.

I have 'Internet met' some people who have been so kind to me. People who have seemed genuinely concerned about my well being. Sending me lovely little DMs when I am having a down day and letting it out in spite filled tweets.

On twitter you don't see any of the faceyb 'look at me' because you just don't follow them people. Faceyb makes it awkward, even socially unacceptable to not accept a friend request from someone you kinda know. On twitter there are a lot of these acquaintances and I choose not to follow them as what they are saying is not really of interest to me. That's not to say it isn't interesting so let's not jump on that bandwagon, it's just not for me.

Those of you know me well enough will know I met the sexiest man in the whole entire universe ever via twitter. He is now all mine which is a uber yay. Please if you know who #blueeyes is don't reveal it cos that would make you not just a bellend but a colossal bellend.

Twitter is usually quicker than most news agencies to report on current affairs. And no matter where in the world news is being reported you can put money on it people will live tweet from the scene and probably have more facts than the media, sorry Reuters.

I'm going to carry on tweeting which sometimes just feels like talking into the air but, like tattooing, I think it's good for the soul. Getting them things off your chest.

So a favourite of mine repeated from a rant I had earlier this year called "why I hate Facebook"
"MAY YOUR LIFE ONE DAY BE AS AWESOME AS YOU MAKE IT OUT TO BE ON FACEBOOK"

XOXO

@dougalmct

N00bs at conventions

Yes I am going to talk tattoos again. Fuck off now if you don't wanna hear/read it.

The awesome dude @iamkennethcom and I were tweeting the other night and he said "it's funny how in my work I'm considered heavily tattooed but at a convention I'm a total n00b".

I get told i have a load of tattoos and asked if I have any space left. I don't have loads and I do have space left. I look down at my right arm which has had a fair amount of work done and feel frustrated that it's not finished. There is a load of blank skin there and loads of blank space in my bank account where the money needs to be to pay for the work.

I tried to work out the other day how much I have spent. I think it must be at the £700 mark. This isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things. If you are getting cheap tattoos they are probably not good tattoos. (Unless you have found an awesome friend in one of your tattooerists.)

It's a want in me to get more tattoos now. It's not addictive like people say. I can't stand the pain. But I have so much unfinished space. It's not having got to the conclusion that makes me carry on.

Tattoos have (in a round about way) taken me places in the last 4 months that I didn't think I could get to. I have met the most awesome person I could ever find in my life. I am totally captivated, charmed and utterly happy to be in their life.
The columnist I discovered turned out to be super awesome regardless o the Vans. He gave me an opportunity that I have wanted for ever and ever.
And the photographer lady I worked with recently has given me the confidence to go for another one of my dreams. Soon we will be getting all dirty working on it and I can't wait.

Discovering tattoos, the confidence they gave me and the new outlook I have since really understanding real art is the best thing I have ever done.

For photography details contact Emma:
facebook.com/MOJOPhotographymakeup
Info@mojo-photo.co.uk
Twitter: @MOJOphotomakeup

Contact me: @DougalMcT

A selection of tweets all mashed up

I need to get the arrested development out of my system (not the band or the series both were awesome).

So, guess what I did. Why I got a tattoo of course. Like normal I think its beautiful and you may have an opinion. Just remember 'it's not up to you'.

It's my last one for a while. I am braving going back to work after ever and the drive is always torture when all stingy.

My time off has helped me not only to reevaluate all the things in my brain but also to sleep all kinds of odd hours. Which has been a delight. But the real world beckons and I can't avoid it forever. I can however make it more bearable. I know exactly how I am going to do this and all will be revealed soon and I am gonna need willing participants.

I have abused the shit out of twitter during my time off. I have just had a quick look back and some of the thing said are ridiculous.
- I have thought of the correct pressure for a high five to be fulfilling but not stingy. It needs more research
- I have thought of sappy things such as you and hugs and hugs with you.
- I have thought of dizzy the egg and all the yolk folk
- I have though of getting a miniature pinscher and calling it Zeus or Odin. Or cutey-little-puppy-wuppy.
- I want a velociraptor I would put a saddle on it and ride around town listening to Jurassic 5 on a retro ghetto blaster.

Some of the things I have said are genius such as
- According to tv we are ok with Chris brown now. I am gonna go kick the crap out of someone and see how my career does.
Which in turn caused me to tag everything #fuckoffchrisbrown

Other gems include
- BVB are such utter tools. They should be in a death match pitted against one direction.
- Went out with no make up. Bump into my sister who says not 'hello' but 'what's wrong with your face'.
Take that self esteem.

Well as this is just complete and utter self promotion I shall be off.

"you smell like rainbows. You want some weak lemon drink?"

@kirstytelling

Valentines day is not very good

I find I write better when I am having some kind of crisis.
I'm having a crisis right now. This panic attack has been going on for a good few hours now and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's gone midnight so I am sure I will knacker myself out in the next few hours. And I am really looking forward to my wake up calls tomorrow. Expect me to swear at you chaps.

To fill my time and distract me from my idiotic brain I have started reading philosophy again. I get lost in the words and theories. My current favourite place to get lost is the Internet encyclopaedia of philosophy. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to know where to look to see things from a different angle. Or baffle themselves so much that they forget what they were crying over.

I am reading about love tonight. It is themed philosophic night after all. I have been in love. 4 times. I think this makes me awfully lucky. I might be in love again one day. I hope so. It's such a jolly nice feeling. All warm and smushy.

I hope you have all got your significant others something suitably awful to celebrate this the most wonderful of Tuesday's. I again shall be hanging out with the kid watching her as she plays movie star planet and I say witty remarks on twitter. I am glad that this year is shall miss the ritual of the happy ladies trek to reception to pick up flowers from their dreamy other half.

That said I shall spend valentines day being extraordinarily jealous of your cohabiting and codependence and your coitus.

I am free to spend the evening playing cutlery on the sofa if anyone wants to make a last minute confession of undying love for me.

Love you all (but not like that)