How to get over heartache

We have all experienced the pain of heartache. It's a horrible helpless feeling that can't really be explained. The lovely @obscurethingy thinks you should "wallow in it; enjoy every bitter sweet moment."

As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.

1. Hide away from the world - You are an utter mess. You emotions are up and down more than normal happy folk care to know about. Your need to hide away in you room under your duvet where your tearful, puffy, red, forlorn face cannot be seen by the public. They don't need you bringing them down.
2. Text - Ignore helpful texts from friends. Instead spend as much time as possible sending texts to the one that made you feel this way. This will make you feel like an utter dickhead a few months from now, but don't worry about that live in the moment. Some ideas for texts are:
   Shock- I can't believe you are doing this
   Anger - I hate you so much
   Sex - How about a quickie for old times sake
   Love - I love you so much
   Resignation - Make that fake resignation, lets be friends.
   Make sure that the message you send are extrememly long so it will bore their intended recipient. 
3. Social media - make sure you share every single tiny little bit of your heart ache on all available social networks.
   Facebook - long winded status about how sad you are and can't beleive this has happened, when a friend asks if you are ok you must reply either; I don't want to talk about it, or I'll text you it's personal. Maybe post some sad songs on there off youtube. Finally change your picture to a sad but cute thing.
   Twitter - As many tweets as you can about how sad and hurt and deep you are.
   Instagram and Tumblr - Sad, sad, sad pictures with emo tags and titles. Make sure you also post these to twitter and facebook.
4. Food - Now you have two options when it comes to food. Firstly you lay in bed eating all available food in your house then order out for more food with added extras and drinks with all the sugar. Get fat and sweaty and cry more. Or the other option is do not eat. This one is more for women. Don't eat apart from maybe a boiled egg a day and some diet coke. You will then be told that being dumped agrees with you and you are hot and thin. Thin doesn't mean hot but people will say it to humour you.
5. Have a great time - Go out, get hammered, get in as many hilarious photos as possible, cry over the person in the pub toilet, sleep around. All of these things will make you feel momentarily better and the aftermath of the hangover, the untagging on facebook, the hilarious Oh Em Gee look at me I am so funny on facebook and the inevitable chlamydia will make you forget the sad, sad pain deep in your soul.

My final advice to you is cry. Cry so harder your neighbours can hear you. Wail like a baby. Cry so much that your eyes and throat both run out of any kind of liquid substance. Once all of this is done cry some more. Cry them sad little tears of memories and what might have beens when you are laying in bed at night.

If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.

An example of number 3, social media

Dinosaurs come over on a Sunday.

Sunday is a thing of beauty that should not be taken for granted. Sunday is for laying in bed till late. Maybe braving the super market and then eating lots.

Viewing of a Sunday should be discovery channel related. This Sunday's viewing consists of Last Days of the Dinosaurs. Those reptile bastards were shit out of luck. If it wasn't a massive asteroid it was volcanos or tsunamis.

My Sundays are not normally anything noteworthy. This Sunday is the same. But I am feeling a whole heap of self loathing. More than I normally do. I have spent the day trying to convince myself that I don't care. That I can spend the rest of my life laying on the sofa devoid of emotion.

Laying on the sofa is something I am becoming expert at. Anytime now i could go pro and take the world on at laying down. Laying in bed at night and not sleeping or sleeping during the day would be my specialities.

During today's lay downs I have been thinking of reasons not to be depressed. #Waysnottobedepressed
- I have never been hit by an asteroid and/or been in a mass extinction event
- I don't have an ice cream headache
- Some people will eat them frozen jacket potatoes.
Frozen jacket potatoes are probably the pinnacle of laziness. Purely marketed at idiot folk to make them feel better for not eating chips with every meal.

The last thing that has helped me not get lost in the dark place this evening is knowing in a few days I will get tattooed again. My roses on my forearm will be beautiful and finished.

This next journey to the tattooerist shall be a road trip for me and cw. And the kids dad shall be popping down too. He is getting some work on his leg finished. I am sure he did it to laugh at me in pain.

If anyone else wants to come. Well, you can't but don't think I don't want you to.

Till we speak again in the future: live every day like its shark week. And don't watch The Last Lions on your own. You'll cry. Xx