Real women?

I'm making a stand, not just for the slimmer girl, but I am hoping to make a stand for all the shapes of ladies and possibly men too.

I don't know where I was recently. I forgot like I forget most things however what I do remember is some woman ranting on about 'real women'.

• What I learned is: 
• Real women have curves
• Real women have boobs
• men like a bit of something to grab on to
• Real women are size 12
• Some other bull shit.

These real women sound fascinating. Lets face it, all women have some kind of hang up on their bodies and it turns out men do too but don't really go on about it as much. The size or shape of a body does not make a woman more or less fictional. You don't have to make excuses for being a larger lady than me. This real woman thing does not interest me in the slightest. If I were to listen to all this bullshit I would be unreal but, not like, in a gnarly way:

• I don't have curves
• I don't have boobs
• why are they hanging on? is this cliffhanger (classically shite film)
• I'm not size 12
• blah blah blah

I guess we all have views of our ideal when it comes to women but the word  real does not really fit in. How about ladies, we all stop talking shit out how one another looks and maybe do as the great philosopher HD says and get naked.

Some suicide lovelies

If you were to ask me what my ideal was, how I would want to look, it would be tattooed and comfortable in who I am.

I am tattooed, yes, but am I comfortable, no. I am more so these days. I spent a lot of my life being hung up on the fact that I am flat chested and I hate my legs. I bloody hate them. But they are mine. My bodily hang ups haven't really ever stopped me doing anything in life, nor should they.

It has been a long time since I have looked at another woman and thought "I want to look like her" cos, well, I look like me and what is the point wishing for things I really can't have. I would prefer to spend my time dreaming of the things I already have that make me happy. i guess I do spend a lot of time trawling beautiful images of tattoos wanting them, but they are attainable, so that's OK.

I am not trying to preach to you ladies, I know my words are not going to change your thinking. I know you are going to be holding them few inches on you belly and feeling unhappy with it. Or doing the lady down bounce to get your jeans on cos you really are still size 8. I think my point is, stop wanting the bodies of other women and stop thinking not nice thoughts of that lady that walked past, you can't be her.

Keep it foolish. Check out the website, yeah? It’s well fuckin’ futile.

Panic attacks

No reason other than I liked it

Panic attacks can be a very scary experience. I wouldn't recommend them to a friend
They irritate the shit out of me and there is nothing I can do to make them stop. I have tried believe me.

It's an irrational state of fear, despair and dread that often ends up in tears.


There is no route cause I can find to why they happen. I will be happy as Larry (Larry is notoriusly happy) on mean and the next I am freaking out like  Quagmire(C-3PO): "Just tell me right now that I don't have to stay in this room."

The often come at inconvienient moments. I will end up at my desk in tears or be at home on my own and only really want to talk to one person in the world but not feel confident enough that they would want to speak to me so not ring them.
They are very hard to describe it feels as if you are going to die. Your haert is pounding so much and it becomes hard to breathe. 
I have learnt more and more to just relax and breathe but you can get stuck in a loop where you worry about the attack which causes anxiety and therefore exasperating or casusing an attack.

Panic attacks are different to anxiety and are thought to occur more often in people with above average intelligence (so get you if you suffer maybe you can join mensa)
Anxiety is that butterflies in the stomach feeling, feeling like you want to run away, its worry basically. And who wants to worry? no one, cos it is rubbish.

Think I need an Alice tattoo

The most common (because its easiest) thing to do is to avoid the thing that is causing the anxiety. This is easy enough but it is not going to solve the problem in the long term. You need to face up to the things that worry you and find a way of dealing with them. And if they are out of your hands, so be it, let them go. Easier said than done I can assure you. I wish I could let things go. I wish I could just not worry and panic and cry.

I give myself all sorts of useful advice. I then take it upon myself to ignore my very good ideas. My most recent good idea to ignore was to fall in love. It's never a good idea to be in love when you are insecure with yourself. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I don't deserve it. And believing compliments is tough. Why would anyone love me why would they say nice things about me. I sound all a bit doom and gloom and woe is me but its not the case. I am feeling happy in my life recently. But there is always the fear "you're gonna walk away too" retrouvailles.

I have managed to follow one bit of my own advice. I am on day 146 of being straight edge. Still not having problems with it.

I am having problems with the fact that summer has just started though. Summer brings moths. I hate moths. They are the ghosts of butterflies here to haunt me and my lamp. I also hate butterflies, flappy devils.
If you have any advice for me let me know, leave a comment or send me a tweet @DougalMcT

 

I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem

I think very little of myself. I act like this big-headed prick. All confident and what have you. The truth is I would rather hide in a skip than have a deep and meaningful conversation. I don't feel my opinion is valid, which is one of the reasons I write so much. I can hide behind the internet.
To have self-esteem is a good thing. It's not conceited or narcissistic to think highly of yourself as long as you acknowledge your virtues and your faults. The opposite of self-esteem is self-rejection, a characteristic of depression.

If you read Mourning and Melancholia by Sigmund Freud you will find the depressive has suffered 'an extraordinary diminution in his self-regard, an impoverishment of his ego on a grand scale....He has lost his self-respect. I can't imagine you will read this so I will paraphrase: it explains how depression, anxiety, sleeplessness and the whole shebang come together to create low self-esteem.

I was talking to a lovely friend about it this evening. I feel I live in a perpetual state of: Meet someone, Fall in love, Get dumped, Cry, Repeat as necesssary. This isn't entirely true, I have done a lot of dumping myself but I am insecure that at any moment I am about to get binned off. Not just by #blueeyes but by friends too.

Don't feel sorry for me. It is just another part of my illness that I shall deal with. Just take it in to account that when you get a "i don't mind" or a sarcastic comment as a reply that there might be more of a reason than just me being awkward.

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