Surviving a long distance relationship

 

When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
 

Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
 

Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
 

Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
 

1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.

Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
 

4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
 

5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
 

6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
 

7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
 

8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
 

9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
 

10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

How to survive the imminent zombie apocalypse

When I say Zombies I of course mean the Night of the Living Dead ones and not the ones from Haitian culture. I mean the brain eating ones and not the ones made by which doctors, sorcerers or possessed small children.

Before you plan your survival remember there are different types of zombie:

• Reanimated from the grave
• The infected
• Further infectors
• Vicious cannibal killers
• The slow lumbering
• Agile and intelligent 

Tailor your approach as needed when the Zombiegeddon comes. These are my tips on how to survive the imminent zombie apocalypse, an attack by the undead hungry for flesh, rotting corpses hell bent on your demise. You can use one or more of these to see if you make it out alive when the gates of the netherworld open.

1. Stay inside. It seems the most obvious option but it is very rarely used. When choosing to stay inside pick your location wisely. A big mansion will be hard to defend. Try and go for a small flat, maybe in a tower block. Make sure you have supplies. If you are anything like me you don't have enough food in the cupboard to make it through the day. Maybe plan on staying inside at your local corner shop. If you live anywhere near me there will be an abundance of cheap vodka and Sterling super kings as well as freeze dried foods to last you. If you are a little more choosy try staying inside in the M&S food hall or even Waitrose.
2. Run away. Again hugely over looked. Don't try and sneak away, or walk away. Run! Run really fast or maybe even drive. Steal a car if you have to. Go hide out at a motorway services such as Watford Gap or somewhere in the middle of the Cotswolds. Don't stay and fight, leave that to the professionals, that is what the army is for.
3. Sacrifice. Now is not the time to make new friends or trying to re-establish old loyalties. Your life is on the line. Sacrifice those that will hold you back, slow you down, are stupid or just those that you don't like. If a zombie is coming for me I will not think twice about using you as a human shield.
4. Find a scientist or someone who was at one point in an elite army unit. These are your keys to survival. They will know of a cure for the Zombies or be really good at blowing stuff up and have easy access to many weapons.
5. Get Weapons. Put all that practise on COD in to good practise. But don't be a hero, be a camping sniper. It is better to hide behind a box than die. And if you can call in an air strike do it. This is not Hamburger Hill, don't wait till the last minute, do it now. "BROKEN ARROW". For close rand combat get items such as a baseball bat and an axe. You don't want to get too close to the brain munching bastards.
6. This is not the time for romance. If you feel yourself making goo-goo eyes at one of the survivors kill them. One of you will inevitably die for the other eventually, might as well save yourself.
7. Don't not make any of the following horror movie mistakes, they carry across well into real life:
    - If you hear a sound, especially an eery or inconprehensible one, do not investigate. Hide or run, it's probably something bad.
    - Do not split up. Stay together, even go to the loo in pairs or groups. there is strength in numbers.
    - Do not make friends with a pretty girl, especially one with big boobs. She is exactly the type of meal that zombies are looking for and she is probably really clumsy. She will take you down with her.
8. Get a dog. Dogs are loyal and protective. They are very likely to try and protect you from a zombie attack. Smaller dogs can be used as weapons and thrown at zombies. This is true of many domestic animals, they can be more effective weapons if you set light to them prior to throwing them. If you have time pop to the local zoo. If the animals there are not zombified then try and train a tiger, lion or bear to be your sidekick.
9. Water. With more and more of the nations residents becoming zombies it is likely that you will not have a supply of running water. Make sure you stock up. Maybe steal a tanker or just get all the bottles you can. The same applies to petrol or diesel depending on which car you have stolen to go on supplies runs.
10. Communications. Make sure you have every which way possible of communicating. maybe get really retro and use MSN messenger. You are going to want to send for help. Help will more likely come in the form of Americans but don't let this bother you. Accept the help as their country may not have a zombie problem so in the long run you will be better off.

I hope these tips help and good luck. I might see you on the battlefield or I might see you in Walmart.