for the sake of happiness

When should you give up what you believe for the sake of happiness?

I have taken a lot of them personality test things during my career, Belbin, MBTI, SDI.

Things that have said about me are:

A dynamic team-member

loves a challenge and thrives on pressure.

possesses the drive and courage required to overcome obstacles.

Seeks patterns in group work;

pushes group toward agreement and decisions

challenges others

Prone to provocation

Offends people's feelings

Let's just sum it up. I think I am right and I am going to argue the toss about it.

But, should I give up on some things. Should I say sorry for something, regardless of how I feel about it, to maintain happiness?

Ordinarily this would not be a question I would have to answer. I just don't tend to care. But this time I really do. I have been in a dark scary place for the past two days. I am struggling to function again. I want to be in bed far away from the world and iphones and twitter. My panic attacks have been so bad that my tablets are not touching them and I have barely slept. I was up at 4.30 this morning trying to contain my tears.

I have been hurt by the lack of trust in me and feel I have been tarred by the brush of the behaviours of others. It would be easy for me to plead forgiveness but for what? For being who I am?

I don't what to do now. Do I just chalk this one up to experience. I don't want to give up but maybe I have to. Is it true that the thing that attracts someone to you is the thing that makes them turn away? Is the start of a relationship doomed to be the thing that is held against you in the end?

Surviving a long distance relationship

 

When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
 

Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
 

Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
 

Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
 

1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.

Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
 

4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
 

5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
 

6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
 

7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
 

8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
 

9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
 

10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

Panic attacks

No reason other than I liked it

Panic attacks can be a very scary experience. I wouldn't recommend them to a friend
They irritate the shit out of me and there is nothing I can do to make them stop. I have tried believe me.

It's an irrational state of fear, despair and dread that often ends up in tears.


There is no route cause I can find to why they happen. I will be happy as Larry (Larry is notoriusly happy) on mean and the next I am freaking out like  Quagmire(C-3PO): "Just tell me right now that I don't have to stay in this room."

The often come at inconvienient moments. I will end up at my desk in tears or be at home on my own and only really want to talk to one person in the world but not feel confident enough that they would want to speak to me so not ring them.
They are very hard to describe it feels as if you are going to die. Your haert is pounding so much and it becomes hard to breathe. 
I have learnt more and more to just relax and breathe but you can get stuck in a loop where you worry about the attack which causes anxiety and therefore exasperating or casusing an attack.

Panic attacks are different to anxiety and are thought to occur more often in people with above average intelligence (so get you if you suffer maybe you can join mensa)
Anxiety is that butterflies in the stomach feeling, feeling like you want to run away, its worry basically. And who wants to worry? no one, cos it is rubbish.

Think I need an Alice tattoo

The most common (because its easiest) thing to do is to avoid the thing that is causing the anxiety. This is easy enough but it is not going to solve the problem in the long term. You need to face up to the things that worry you and find a way of dealing with them. And if they are out of your hands, so be it, let them go. Easier said than done I can assure you. I wish I could let things go. I wish I could just not worry and panic and cry.

I give myself all sorts of useful advice. I then take it upon myself to ignore my very good ideas. My most recent good idea to ignore was to fall in love. It's never a good idea to be in love when you are insecure with yourself. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I don't deserve it. And believing compliments is tough. Why would anyone love me why would they say nice things about me. I sound all a bit doom and gloom and woe is me but its not the case. I am feeling happy in my life recently. But there is always the fear "you're gonna walk away too" retrouvailles.

I have managed to follow one bit of my own advice. I am on day 146 of being straight edge. Still not having problems with it.

I am having problems with the fact that summer has just started though. Summer brings moths. I hate moths. They are the ghosts of butterflies here to haunt me and my lamp. I also hate butterflies, flappy devils.
If you have any advice for me let me know, leave a comment or send me a tweet @DougalMcT

 

I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem

I think very little of myself. I act like this big-headed prick. All confident and what have you. The truth is I would rather hide in a skip than have a deep and meaningful conversation. I don't feel my opinion is valid, which is one of the reasons I write so much. I can hide behind the internet.
To have self-esteem is a good thing. It's not conceited or narcissistic to think highly of yourself as long as you acknowledge your virtues and your faults. The opposite of self-esteem is self-rejection, a characteristic of depression.

If you read Mourning and Melancholia by Sigmund Freud you will find the depressive has suffered 'an extraordinary diminution in his self-regard, an impoverishment of his ego on a grand scale....He has lost his self-respect. I can't imagine you will read this so I will paraphrase: it explains how depression, anxiety, sleeplessness and the whole shebang come together to create low self-esteem.

I was talking to a lovely friend about it this evening. I feel I live in a perpetual state of: Meet someone, Fall in love, Get dumped, Cry, Repeat as necesssary. This isn't entirely true, I have done a lot of dumping myself but I am insecure that at any moment I am about to get binned off. Not just by #blueeyes but by friends too.

Don't feel sorry for me. It is just another part of my illness that I shall deal with. Just take it in to account that when you get a "i don't mind" or a sarcastic comment as a reply that there might be more of a reason than just me being awkward.

http://therealkatiewest.tumblr.com/

Not sleeping makes me cry

Edited as when I first wrote this it was poorly spelt a bit whiny.

Firstly a word. I named my blog: the things I think. Because it is exactly that. The things I think. It's not called I'm right you're wrong.
Some people find my work offensive. I can understand that. I don't hold traditional views on a lot of things. I'm not trying to preach to anyone with the things I say just trying to share the insight of a girl with mental health issues. If you have been at any time in the past or are at any time in the future I apologise. I will not take back what I said unless you can give me a compelling arguement to do so. It's not my intention to offend. If I wanted to do that I would call you all cunts and be constantly looking for opportunities to be on balconies above you so I could spit on you.

I'm not a crier in general. It's a bit rubbish when your eyes leak everywhere and ruins the make-up that took five minutes to apply and will inevitably rub off anyway.
When I am awake like I am now, counting down the hours till I have I get up I feel nothing but frustrated. I just want to sleep. I don't care about the things my mind throws at me. I don't know why my body becomes unable to regulate its own temperature. Too cold then too hot and if i get out of bed to walk on the cold floor the bottoms will literally feel on fire when I get back in bed.

Sometimes I will get as little as 3 hours sleep. I sit at work like a zombie just hoping for the day to end as quick as possible. I can't remember a darn thing. I'm just a bit of a useless mess.

I have so many ideas when I am trying to get to sleep. I tend to not remember them come the morning. I am like a stoner without the fun of the giggles or the snack time of the munchies. Maybe I should start writing them down, but I think that would keep me awake longer and mayber reveal the stream of consciousness of a mad-woman.

In a purely selfish way I am glad there are others out there in the same position as me. Wondering the house at 2am angry that they need to be up in 4 hours. If that's you give me a text or a tweet we can sob at each other.

ZZZ is onomatopoeia for snoring but more likely an implication of sleep

A lot can happen in 60 days

The past 60 days have been interesting.

I have been to work
Met a person I admired
Been off work
Had a breakdown
Got a bit better
Spent time with the person I admire
Been back to work
Been so sad
Been so happy

This is not a full list. But a lot has happened.

β-blockers have been a bit of a bitch to me. I have been prescribed propranolol to help me deal with the anxiety that consumed me. They work by diminishing the effects of stress hormones such as adrenaline. This means no panic, no fight or flight response and what I can only say is lots of pain. I was thinking why I wasn't dealing well with tattoos lately and it makes sense that it is in part due to
β-blockers. It's gonna take me longer to finish my first sleeve than anticipated. I don't wanna get more tattoos whilst I am ill-equipped to deal with the pain.

This particular boy has my heart in the palm of his hand (biffy clyro guys). I'm not sure he knows but he should. His presence has been a significant calming influence to me. I don't know what will happen in the future and I don't wanna question what we may or may not have. All I know is that he makes me happy. Adjusting to thinking differently about this situation is hard. But it's well l'oreal.

I think I was, for a short while, in danger of becoming addicted to sleeping tablets. I have none left and had a good few days when sleeping was a struggle. I did however get through these few days. I am not really sleeping properly still. I usually wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning then am not quite awake and not quite asleep until my alarm goes off. Then my brain decides it must be asleep which is a bit of an annoyance since I have gone back to work. I am surviving on a lot of redbull at the moment just to make it through that long car journey down the m4.

Being told about and given a book about cognitive behavioural therapy has helped with a lot of the issues that get in my brain and cause me to hide in bed. The basics of cbt are that you feel the way you think, put simply; you are more happy if you think in a more healthy and happy ways. It's an easy concept and it's really helping me with the anxiety and depression that I have told you all about. It's also helping me with the self esteem issues I keep in my head. I am a very shy person. This is a fact that many find hard to believe. I have no problems standing in front of a group of senior managers at work and talking about stuff I feel passionate about. In a big group of people I can hold my own. Put me in a more intimate situation me and you in a room sat face to face and talking and I will want to hide. Ask me to talk about how I am feeling or what has lead me to become so melancholy and I will shy away and skirt around the answers. I feel safer blurting on my feelings on this blog than I do ringing my closest friends and telling them that I need help.

Since being back to work I have changed my outlook on it. I still struggle with the values that I feel are forced upon me. I do however feel more comfortable in my role. I love my job and the people it puts me in touch with and I have a new found 'hunger' to pursue my goals.

Things are better for me. I'm not cured, I'm in no way the person I was before but I'm focusing my attention on the stuff that matters to me and not on the stuff that makes me want to hide from the world.

Free form jazz, kittens and the infinite sadness

First a confession. T'was my birthday recently. I'm now a 29 year old single mum. Sorry for telling lies. Although if you ask me my age I will tell you I am 21 and you gosh darn better believe me. I'm planning my 30th party already. The dress code is black tie and converse, vans are banned (the shoes not the vehicles).

Depression, anxiety and all that jazz can be confusing. One minute i am trundling along happy as a happy thing and next minute I am like sadsack from the raggy dolls.

This time I saw the sadsack coming. Got to the doctors and am getting treated before the never ending nap began again. I have admittedly been sleeping a whole lot lately but not to the extent i did last time. And I have been out of bed on brief occasions to visit friends. I am handling it a lot better this time.

Now we all know my favourite thing to do is to get tattooed. So I did. I always feel an odd sense of happiness after I have been tattooed.
I have had the bottom half of my right sleeve started. Acting like Johnny big balls before I went in there I was sure I was gonna be ok to get this finished. 4 hours in and a lot of temper tantrums I had to give up. Getting tattooed hurts don't let anyone tell you otherwise they are liars. So now I need to go back and get it finished.

One of the things with getting your arm tattooed is that it's easier to trot round asda in a t-shirt that wear a jumper that will stick to Bepanthen. On my Sunday shopping trip the day after my tattoo I suddenly became aware of something I have not felt before. I was being stared at. It was odd and off putting. Suffice to say I left asda with red bull, chocolate hobnobs and not much else. A delicious Sunday lunch though.

The confusion comes in when the happiness pops up. I want to be happy, I want to be better. I don't wanna be the annoying mate that whines on about being down all the time. There has been one thing above all others these last few weeks that has made me smile like an idiot. But then I get the guilt. Again not a bad guilt. I still haven't murdered and I definitely have not raped. But a guilt that makes me question myself. Why should I be happy?

It keeps me awake almost every night and then my mind wanders which is why at 1.23am I am up writing this and not sleeping.

Night world, sleep tight.

P.S. I stole the pic from my tattooerist Scott Owen from Mantra Tattoo in Cheltenham. I hope you don't mind Scott.