for the sake of happiness

When should you give up what you believe for the sake of happiness?

I have taken a lot of them personality test things during my career, Belbin, MBTI, SDI.

Things that have said about me are:

A dynamic team-member

loves a challenge and thrives on pressure.

possesses the drive and courage required to overcome obstacles.

Seeks patterns in group work;

pushes group toward agreement and decisions

challenges others

Prone to provocation

Offends people's feelings

Let's just sum it up. I think I am right and I am going to argue the toss about it.

But, should I give up on some things. Should I say sorry for something, regardless of how I feel about it, to maintain happiness?

Ordinarily this would not be a question I would have to answer. I just don't tend to care. But this time I really do. I have been in a dark scary place for the past two days. I am struggling to function again. I want to be in bed far away from the world and iphones and twitter. My panic attacks have been so bad that my tablets are not touching them and I have barely slept. I was up at 4.30 this morning trying to contain my tears.

I have been hurt by the lack of trust in me and feel I have been tarred by the brush of the behaviours of others. It would be easy for me to plead forgiveness but for what? For being who I am?

I don't what to do now. Do I just chalk this one up to experience. I don't want to give up but maybe I have to. Is it true that the thing that attracts someone to you is the thing that makes them turn away? Is the start of a relationship doomed to be the thing that is held against you in the end?

Surviving a long distance relationship

 

When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
 

Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
 

Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
 

Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
 

1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.

Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
 

4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
 

5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
 

6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
 

7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
 

8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
 

9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
 

10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

Go fuck yourself

A harsh title maybe. But translate it. It means go masturbate. It will give you something to do because it turns out your lives are boring.

Sorry I was being mean there. Of course i love you my devoted readers. Well most of you. But i bet some of you are mean and say nasty things.

I'll give you an example. This text arrived in my inbox:

"my life is on track unlike yors going off the rails anti depressants live in a fucking dive thinking your now some rock persona ppl talk we all see it kirsty"

No lets not talk about the spelling or grammar, words is my job and it would upset me. Let's discuss the content.

Going off the rails - Not quite sure how. I have a full time job at a company I have been at for 8 years (ish) now. I don't own my flat but then who would want to. It is such a burden. But I have a roof over my head. Been here for 6 years. I don't have a lot of money but I have enough for me and the little lady to get by. I don't drink smoke or do drugs. I'm not really sure what these rails that I have gone off are.

Antidepressants - Not sure why this would be used against me in spite. I guess some people just can't accept mental health issues. I have been very unwell and scared when I have been depressed. Getting help has really helped me see the world differently. I have found it very hard to talk to anyone about it. It is so hard to explain that I am trapped in my head and cannot get out. I am not sad, i am not feeling a bit down I have lost the will to exist. Someone said to me today I was the happiest depressed person they know. I have rare moments of happiness, but I am not happy. I love laughing and I love having fun, doing things just because, but happy is not what I feel. Medicine is the best treatment for me right now.

Living in a dive - Dive: Informal, relaxed, "neighborhood" bar or restaurant. Sometimes cool, sometimes shitty.
I will be the first to admit that housework is not for me. I can't remember the last time I cleaned the car inside or out. Sometimes I will get the hoover out and then just get in bed cos I can't face it. yes I am a mess, but really a ghetto bar? It's not a working mens club in here. The floor isn't sticky. Well one time I spilt my redbull and that made a right awful sticky mess. I mopped it up though.

thinking your now some rock persona - no, no I don't. there is nothing rock and roll about me. I go to bed early. I drive a 206. I love tomato soup. I do bloody love shouty rock music but I also know all the words to Sclub7 - Reach. Do I look rock and / or roll maybe? I don't think I do. It's winter time. Hoodies and jeans for me. That's not rock. Unless they are leather studded hoodies. 

 ppl talk we all see it kirsty - Do they? Do they really? Well these are the ones that can go fuck themselves. I am sure they are not friends of mine if they think saying the above kinds of things are nice. They may be people on the outskirts of my life who think they know me. If up until this point they were my friends they now need to know that I do not need their negative influence on my life.

No wonder I'm fucking depressed.

Panic attacks

No reason other than I liked it

Panic attacks can be a very scary experience. I wouldn't recommend them to a friend
They irritate the shit out of me and there is nothing I can do to make them stop. I have tried believe me.

It's an irrational state of fear, despair and dread that often ends up in tears.


There is no route cause I can find to why they happen. I will be happy as Larry (Larry is notoriusly happy) on mean and the next I am freaking out like  Quagmire(C-3PO): "Just tell me right now that I don't have to stay in this room."

The often come at inconvienient moments. I will end up at my desk in tears or be at home on my own and only really want to talk to one person in the world but not feel confident enough that they would want to speak to me so not ring them.
They are very hard to describe it feels as if you are going to die. Your haert is pounding so much and it becomes hard to breathe. 
I have learnt more and more to just relax and breathe but you can get stuck in a loop where you worry about the attack which causes anxiety and therefore exasperating or casusing an attack.

Panic attacks are different to anxiety and are thought to occur more often in people with above average intelligence (so get you if you suffer maybe you can join mensa)
Anxiety is that butterflies in the stomach feeling, feeling like you want to run away, its worry basically. And who wants to worry? no one, cos it is rubbish.

Think I need an Alice tattoo

The most common (because its easiest) thing to do is to avoid the thing that is causing the anxiety. This is easy enough but it is not going to solve the problem in the long term. You need to face up to the things that worry you and find a way of dealing with them. And if they are out of your hands, so be it, let them go. Easier said than done I can assure you. I wish I could let things go. I wish I could just not worry and panic and cry.

I give myself all sorts of useful advice. I then take it upon myself to ignore my very good ideas. My most recent good idea to ignore was to fall in love. It's never a good idea to be in love when you are insecure with yourself. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I don't deserve it. And believing compliments is tough. Why would anyone love me why would they say nice things about me. I sound all a bit doom and gloom and woe is me but its not the case. I am feeling happy in my life recently. But there is always the fear "you're gonna walk away too" retrouvailles.

I have managed to follow one bit of my own advice. I am on day 146 of being straight edge. Still not having problems with it.

I am having problems with the fact that summer has just started though. Summer brings moths. I hate moths. They are the ghosts of butterflies here to haunt me and my lamp. I also hate butterflies, flappy devils.
If you have any advice for me let me know, leave a comment or send me a tweet @DougalMcT

 

I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem

I think very little of myself. I act like this big-headed prick. All confident and what have you. The truth is I would rather hide in a skip than have a deep and meaningful conversation. I don't feel my opinion is valid, which is one of the reasons I write so much. I can hide behind the internet.
To have self-esteem is a good thing. It's not conceited or narcissistic to think highly of yourself as long as you acknowledge your virtues and your faults. The opposite of self-esteem is self-rejection, a characteristic of depression.

If you read Mourning and Melancholia by Sigmund Freud you will find the depressive has suffered 'an extraordinary diminution in his self-regard, an impoverishment of his ego on a grand scale....He has lost his self-respect. I can't imagine you will read this so I will paraphrase: it explains how depression, anxiety, sleeplessness and the whole shebang come together to create low self-esteem.

I was talking to a lovely friend about it this evening. I feel I live in a perpetual state of: Meet someone, Fall in love, Get dumped, Cry, Repeat as necesssary. This isn't entirely true, I have done a lot of dumping myself but I am insecure that at any moment I am about to get binned off. Not just by #blueeyes but by friends too.

Don't feel sorry for me. It is just another part of my illness that I shall deal with. Just take it in to account that when you get a "i don't mind" or a sarcastic comment as a reply that there might be more of a reason than just me being awkward.

http://therealkatiewest.tumblr.com/

I know I said I would not do these things

Last time I wrote (and published) I said I wasn't getting and tattoos for a while. I meant it at the time but then Sam Ricketts posted on Facebook that he had spaces. He is such an awesome artist I couldn't resist so I got a little more work on my sleeve.


I got a key with a geometric flower. There is really no significance to this. I told Sam I wanted a key and this is what he drew. I bloody love it. Although I have discovered that the inner arm is not a fun place to get tattooed and my arm is probably twice the size it was before. I swell a lot.

Running out of space on this arm now which is awesome. Who would have thought little old me would get a sleeve. Not me, not until I started learning about real tattoo art. I started reading magazines such as Skin Deep and Total Tattoo a few years back. They changed my outlook on tattoos and art as a whole. Before I was one of them people who thought tattoos were picked off a wall and were generally black and spikey. I am informed on the subject. I don't know all there is to know but I know where to go for answers and it genuinely pleases me that people ask me for advice.

I've done something else. Something significant for me. I met a beautiful blue eyed boy. I met him through tattoos and a shared interest of calling people benders to their face. This is all you need to know.


My depression is getting the better of me again but I am not giving in. I have been back to work and seen the super people that I missed whilst I was away. Q10 and lili are two people that I need in my life, now more than ever. Q10 bought me Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. I have been reading it when my brain is not being all fluffy and unresponsive. Its making be realise that I need to give myself credit for coping. Maybe we should all give ourself more credit for the small things we achieve in life rather than ignoring them.


My beautiful little friend asked me to explain how I feel. There is no easy way to explain it. I don't feel like me. I can think of only 4 occasions since the start of December when I have felt like the me I was before. Safe and secure in myself and not banging my head against a wall trying to force myself to be better. Its hard for others to understand that I am suffering, for want of a better word, as depression has not changed my personality (I don't think) and I don't like to sit down and tell people face to face that I just feel bloody unpleasant.


So in conclusion. Go get tattooed at Wood Street Tattoos in Swindon. Tell them I sent you cos they are great.
And I am no good at being in like cos my insecurities get the better of me.

Free form jazz, kittens and the infinite sadness

First a confession. T'was my birthday recently. I'm now a 29 year old single mum. Sorry for telling lies. Although if you ask me my age I will tell you I am 21 and you gosh darn better believe me. I'm planning my 30th party already. The dress code is black tie and converse, vans are banned (the shoes not the vehicles).

Depression, anxiety and all that jazz can be confusing. One minute i am trundling along happy as a happy thing and next minute I am like sadsack from the raggy dolls.

This time I saw the sadsack coming. Got to the doctors and am getting treated before the never ending nap began again. I have admittedly been sleeping a whole lot lately but not to the extent i did last time. And I have been out of bed on brief occasions to visit friends. I am handling it a lot better this time.

Now we all know my favourite thing to do is to get tattooed. So I did. I always feel an odd sense of happiness after I have been tattooed.
I have had the bottom half of my right sleeve started. Acting like Johnny big balls before I went in there I was sure I was gonna be ok to get this finished. 4 hours in and a lot of temper tantrums I had to give up. Getting tattooed hurts don't let anyone tell you otherwise they are liars. So now I need to go back and get it finished.

One of the things with getting your arm tattooed is that it's easier to trot round asda in a t-shirt that wear a jumper that will stick to Bepanthen. On my Sunday shopping trip the day after my tattoo I suddenly became aware of something I have not felt before. I was being stared at. It was odd and off putting. Suffice to say I left asda with red bull, chocolate hobnobs and not much else. A delicious Sunday lunch though.

The confusion comes in when the happiness pops up. I want to be happy, I want to be better. I don't wanna be the annoying mate that whines on about being down all the time. There has been one thing above all others these last few weeks that has made me smile like an idiot. But then I get the guilt. Again not a bad guilt. I still haven't murdered and I definitely have not raped. But a guilt that makes me question myself. Why should I be happy?

It keeps me awake almost every night and then my mind wanders which is why at 1.23am I am up writing this and not sleeping.

Night world, sleep tight.

P.S. I stole the pic from my tattooerist Scott Owen from Mantra Tattoo in Cheltenham. I hope you don't mind Scott.

Friday night with music

Its Friday night, I am sure loads of you are out there having a super great time. I am at home switching between Kerrang and MTV Rocks whilst getting annoyed at the channels inbetween and occasionally stopping at Q when they have the odd good track. I will keep you up to date with the playlist.

Foo fighters - the pretender

My first thing I want to tell you all about is the response to my writing. I never in a minute expected this response to it. I started it 7 weeks ago on the advice of a super awesome entrepreneur and friend. At the time of me writing this I have had 786 views. That has really touched me. And the nice things people have been saying about it has had me in tears (the good kind). Being called brave and an inspiration are really not things I would expect to hear. I am so happy I can connect with you guys. And the person that called me 'fuckin amazin' I think the same of you. Thank you for opening up to me.

Led Zepplin - Kashmir

Something I have learnt from the messages I have received and the people I have spoken with is that I am not alone in this crazy, mixed up mental illness we call depression. People have commented to me that they never expected me to be sick in this way. I can see exactly their point when you guys open up to me and tell me you feel the same and you are taking X or Y tablets for it. I never expected my honesty to mean so much to you. I will never tell anyone the things you have told me, they are our secrets.

Lady Gaga - you and I
Muse - plug in baby
I want to also say thanks to Q10. Q10 has been amazing. I have had such a hard week. I can't pinpoint the exact reasoning but I have felt myself slipping backwards. It feels so hard to breathe sometime. I have spent the week in a state of total panic which is not going away. You know that feeling when you have butterflies in your tummy and your heart is pounding. I have been like that almost constantly except them few hours when I sleep.

Rihanna - we found love
Thanks for all the tattoo love. The next one is already planned and will be with us in 4 weeks. A lot of you have asked me for advice. All I can say is: research your artist, travel if you have to and pay good money. A cheap tattoo is a shit tattoo. I have a few of them myself. And if you are going to inflict pain and suffering on yourself in the name of art please invite me. Especially if you are going to Mantra in Cheltenham, I love these boys they are probably the best people you will come across in your life - go give them your money! (this is not an advertisement, maybe go to Wood Street instead)

Motorhead - ace of spades
You me at six - the consequence
Guns and Roses - sweet child of mine
Rizzle kicks - mama do the hump

The above list of tracks make me seem like I am really slow at typing,  I'm not, I was on twitter. Some of you even recieved a text during this interval.

Jessie J - Price tag
Tenacious D - Tribute

Seeing as we are doing thanks I wanna thank the super lady who bought me a ticket to see Ed sheeran, this will be amazing. And I wanna thank you, you know who you are, you are my favourite person right now! Oh and get me, I have been off the drink for over 4 weeks now!!!

Peace out for now dudes. You know where I am, probably at home, if not at SDs house, at the garage buying redbull, work, the liden, or on twitter @kirstytelling

Biffy clyro - the captain

Rainbows, unicorns and depression

Ok I lied about the rainbows and unicorns but that was so you would be drawn in by pretty shiny things. Now you are this far you might as well keep reading.

I got formally diagnosed with depression by a GP near on a year ago. This was a huge relief for me.

Before I was diagnosed I was a drain on my friends and family. They would tell me to cheer up or get over it. But I couldn't. It was so hard to explain why I couldn't just be happy. Of course I laughed and smiled through it all but inside I felt like I could no longer go on.

I take medication for my illness. This is another one of those things I do which is frowned upon. People don't like to think of depression as an illness. But I assure you, I have seen it from the other side and it is. I can't imagine anyone saying "oh you've got a headache, you don't need any painkillers, just get over it" but they do with depression.

Before I took the step to find help i felt trapped. Like being in a hot sauna and there was no door. After a few weeks of medication I felt so much better. Like the pain had numbed. It's still with me and it still keeps me awake at night. I still have days when I hate everyone and everything but I can manage my way through them as I know there is a way out.

Now antidepressants. They are interesting. Imagine every side effect possible from a medicine. And then imagine the exact opposite of them. This would probably be the whole list. Some fun examples are:
Increased libido. Decreased libido
Needing to urinate. Being unable to urinate
Being hot. Being cold.
Feeling a state of calmness. Agitation and nervousness.
Constipation. Diarrhoea.
Sleepiness. Difficulty sleeping.

You get the point.

They also advise you not to drink. I chose on more than one occasion to ignore this advice. And I have spent he next few days regretting my decision. I have been kicked out of pubs, abandoned by friends and completely embarrassed myself.

I am now a non drinker. I am pleased to say this. I feel really good about it. You will still see me out as much as you did before, cos I love pissing about with my mates, but you will not see me drink any alcohol. And no you can't have a lift home. Get a taxi!

Saying this though I do have a lot of vodka and wine in my house that you lot are more than welcome to. But don't touch my sailor jerrys. There may be a night sometime in the future where rum is the answer.

All my tattoos

I have tattoos. Currently I have 16 or 15.

The maths involved is as follows:
Right leg 3. This shall be my flowery 'sock'
Middle finger left hand 1. Coming out though
Stomach 2. My beautiful swallows by Shaun bonanas
Left arm 2: one one my 13s and something rubbish
Right arm 4: eventually this will be my sleeve by Sam ricketts
Left ribs 1: seemed like a good idea
Back 3: tribal shit from being 18. Kids name. And a beautiful anchor and ship piece.
Left leg: ha-pea

This coming weekend i shall be adding 3 more to my collection. I love every single one of my tattoos and they all have stories that will probably bore you but I will share each one in time.

This weekend Scott Owen at Mantra Tattoo will be adding a robot with a ghetto blaster to my left leg. I have decided this will be my leg of fun stuff that makes me smile.
The robot is saying beep and was drawn entirely by my beautiful kid. She doesn't want to get any tattoos. I find that surprising as I have so many but i look around me and I live in a world where there are very few tattoos on show and the ones that are are little 'girly' ones.

As I am more tattooed than most in my world I come in for a lot of criticism.

'you'll be covered soon' - that's the point

'how will you look when you are a nan' - who said the kid is having a kid

'what happens when you get married?' - I am 29 and very much single. I can't see love heading this way anytime soon. And if it ever does I am sure my future imaginary husband will have seen my tattoos and know what he is in for.

My favourite though came from a complete stranger at one of them terrible corporate Christmas parties "I like your tattoos, don't get anymore though". I was very much confused by this statement and just replied with "thanks for showing me the error of my ways. I was lost before I found you"

Let's get back to that imaginary husband. I cannot imagine he would not have tattoos. When I am in that dream land between awake and asleep where the depression can't get you I see him and he has loads of tattoos. And not them trendy chino wearing trendy ones. Beautiful pieces of art by amazing artists as well as the ones that hold all the memories. Just like mine.

All I can say is my love of this art form has lead me to meet some people in my life that I wouldn't have normally come across. Every new tattoo I get makes me feel more and more like me and less and less like the girl who who once spent 2 solid weeks in bed either sleeping or crying.