Everyone is shit

Well not everyone. If you are reading this there is a 50/50 chance you are shit.

A lot of people are turning out to be shit at the moment. Or people I have known to be shit for some time now are proving their shitness by just being more shit.

Below are some examples of shitness. If you recognise these traits in yourself it may well turn out that you are shit.

Talking shit: Now there are 2 categories of talking shit so pay attention.

1 – Lies – Stop telling lies. No one wants to hear your lies. Telling lies is shit. You have 2 ways of getting out of this. Either become brutally honest regardless of feelings or become honest but censor yourself with the age old saying “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”.

2 – Saying not nice things – Saying not nice things is, well, not nice. Even worse saying these not nice things about your friend increases your shitness exponentially. If you have to say not nice things about your friends you should realise you are in fact, not a good friend and you should do one. To make this simple, friends do and say nice things.

Not turning up – Not turning up makes you shit. Being late I can tolerate as long as the lateness is within 30 minutes of the designated rendezvous time. Anything later than 30 minutes would require you to have a note signed by your mum to explain your social faux-pas. Not turning up at all without a prior warning of non-attendance is shit. Leaving a person hanging with potential attendance is also shit. Make a decision and inform those involved. Stop being shit.

Waking me up – Don’t wake me up, it’s shit of you. Especially don’t wake me up because of alcohol induced rage, tears or horniness. I am tired. I don’t sleep much. And whatever it is that you feel you must tell me about at 3am can probably wait. Exceptions to this rules are as follows: Dead celebrities, snow, we are on weekends away, you are my kid. Other exceptions such as nuclear war and it’s a hot sunny day will be judged on a case by case basis.

Style thief – The style thief is shit. Massively shit. Style is personal and must never be mimicked. Admittedly we are all fashion victims and will pander to the catwalks and high streets. But that is just following the trends. It is what comes after that matters. Don’t tell someone you like their, outfit, shoes etc. and then go and buy the exact same thing. Don’t notice a friends hairstyle or colour and the very next day go and have it done for yourself. And the most important one for me, never, ever, ever, ever get the same tattoo as someone. Copying may be the sincerest form of flattery but it is also a bit creepy and most definitely shit.

Mood swings – Now here I am not talking just general shifts in demeanour. I am talking about those massively unexplainable shifts in attitude that befuddle and piss people off. The best example of this kind of shitness is the one that concerns not getting what you want in the relationship stakes.

I love you

I miss you

I need you

Please give me a chance

Well fuck you then you prick

I still have them naked pics of you and I will post them on the internet.

This is shit. It makes life hard work. Stop being irritating and shit. If you do not get the response you want just move on. No need for this shit aggression.

Being a fucking cheapskate – We are all skint. Which is, in itself, shit. However we all pay our own way. And many of us are happy to help out those that may be skinter than most. However the shitness that we cannot tolerate is the shitness of being unwilling to put your hand in your pocket. If it’s a meal, split it. If it’s your round, buy it. And if you have to pay just that little bit extra because you are slightly better off, don’t be shit, just fucking do it.

Not indicating – This one goes out to all the Costco customers out there, can I get a whoop-whoop. Actually no, don’t bother, I don’t want it. What the fuck is wrong with you cunts? Why the fuck can’t you just stop being shit and indicate. This includes corners and roundabouts.  

I am sure there are other forms of shitness. I shall probably re-visit this in the future, I will see you there.

Win a tattoo

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There are also 10 runner-up prizes of weekend tickets to be won too! So, what are you waiting for people? You have to be in it, to win it!

The winners will be announced on 3rd May 2013

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tattooed science ladies

I just changed my life.

I am a geek. I don't deny it. I love watching documentaries and reading about all kinds of geeky things.

At work today I was minding my own business reading about the galaxy NGC 1277 which is just a quarter the size of our own Milky Way, hosts a black hole 4,000 times larger than the one at the Milky Way's centre. The lovely lady sat next to me said "You are always tweeting about stuff like that why don't you just do a degree in it?" So I am.

I enrolled today and hopefully start in February starting with a certificate in astronomy and planetary science.

I have no idea what I will do with this in a practical nature but I just love learning.

Strangely enough today I have found lots more tattooed science ladies. An academic research scientist in molecular biology, someone studying for a biology degree and a physicist.

I think we should all unite and take over the world. Sexy tattooed science ladies.

Girls like you

Weird things stick in my head when people say them to me.

I went out to a trendy bar in Swindon this past saturday. Lets call it blongs, no that is too obvious lets call it Schlongs.

I haven't been in schlongs in years. It wasn't that bad actually. Not too many trendy cunts in grey sweatshirts with pictures of big boobed girls on the front. Not too busy like that other bar in the same area, lets call it Caker Street.

A strange thing happened in Schlongs and there were others round to bear witness. Someone took it upon themselves to touch my back and then pull down the back of my dress to look at my back piece. Strange. Why do people feel it is ok to touch me? I had to point out I am not pregnant. Pregnant women get touched a lot.

A nice bloke also came over to me. I think he was called Shane. He was asking about my tattoos. I was overly excited that I had work from Shaun Bonanos. He was a bit of a fan boy. He told me about his tattoos and how he was 40% covered.

He came out with a weird comment. He said to me "you're not from Swindon are you?" Well I am, born and bred. Apparently you don't get girls like me round here. He told me he was from Bristol and it was nice to meet a like minded person in these parts.

I don't know why this has stuck with me. But it has been in my head since he said it. There must be people like me out there.

Are you like me? Are you a hopeless romantic? Are you a tattooed lady in the west country? Do you feel a little lost in the world as you haven't found your place?

I have found a lot of like minded people in the world. but I have found them through twitter and they are all over the place. I think I will have to get them all together for a little party.

What do you say guys?

Tim Shumate

Tinkerbell

ariel

Sally

Aurora

Snow White

Jasmine

Tiana

Belle

Pin up style Disney Princesses - How cool are these? Not sure how I found them this fine moring but they are great.

They are done but a guy called Tim Shumate check out his facebook page.

I have been thinking about my left sleeve for a while now. And I wanted just one piece as opposed to all the seperated peieces I have at the moment. I think I might go for something down these lines.

I do love a pin up girl and I do love disney films. Thinking maybe I might make Sally the centre pieced and add some more nightmare before Christmas stuff in there. So that is my pointless blog for today done.

The sugar skull

I have been researching the meaning of the sugar skull: calaveras de azúcar. There are many different variations. I would like to throw my findings in the pot

The sugar skull

Sugar skulls are made from sugar (as the name suggests) They are used to decorate alters during the day of the innocents and the day of the dead (1 and 2 November). The days are used as an opportunity to celebrate the lives of friends and family members. It's a sad time in your life represented in a happy way.  

The sugar is the sweetness of life and the skull is the sadness of death. They usually have a name written on the forehead the honour a departed soul. The are decorated in a bright folk art fashion with big smiles and lots of sparkly things. Flowers symbolize life while cob webs symbolize death. Burning candles in eyes are a sign of remembrance.

In tattoos they are often combined with Catrina. Catrina is the skeleton of an upper class woman usually based on La Calavera Catrina.

Things not to ask a tattooed person

Visible tattoos will bring you attention. This attention will be good and bad. Being a girl will just add to the attention. People won't understand where you have come from. A girl, with tattoos, on her arms, out in the real world, not on tv, or in a magazine.

Yeah I live in a sheltered town. Or maybe in a sheltered world. Or maybe I just need to get out more.

Below you'll find a list of things that under no circumstances you should ask a tattooed person. We have heard them before and we are bored of thinking witty come backs.

Can I see your tattoos? - No. Well yeah you can if they are on show otherwise no. I have no desire to take my clothes off and show my flesh to you. Firstly that would be hugely inappropriate in a public place. Secondly I probably don't even like you.
Do you have any I can't see? Can I see them? - Yes, yes I do have tattoos that you can't see but as above no you can't see them.
Are they real? - No they are not. I have so much time on my hands I choose to draw the same designs on me each morning with sharpies. I like to put that much effort in to practical jokes.
How much did they cost? -  How much do you spend when you go out every weekend? I bet you don't wanna tell me that. Bet it's a regretful amount though. Yes, I spend a lot of money on being tattooed and I will again in the future spend lots more money. the amount though is really nothing to do with you.
Why have you got so many? - I like them. They are pretty. They are my art. along with the art on my wall. But that is also a collection in process. And hey I would like to return fire with the question why haven't you got as many as me or even why do you not have any? You won't know you don't like it till you try it.
You're not going to get any more are you? - Yes, yes I am. This is such an intrusive question. What the hell has it got to do with you? The number and size of my tattoos should be of no significance to you. Unless you are a dickhead bar manager or bouncer who wants to refuse me entry to your idiot bar.
What do they mean? - Absolutely shit all. They are just really cool pictures. This is not miami, LA, New York or London ink., these are not the stories of the harrowing time I dropped a pound down a drain and really wanted a can of coke that I could no longer afford. Nor are they about my flat mates, aunties dog which died trying to rescue a dolphin from a well back in 'nam - Cheltenham.
Do you regret them? - No I don't but tell me this, do you regret your failed relationships or that time you died your hair black and looked so pale people though you were a ghost.
What happens when you get married? - Hopefully I will live happily ever after. It's as simple as that. Oh hang on do you mean ladies with tattoos don't wear wedding dresses. I am sure they do. I bet all that white looks better with a bit of colour next to it.
What will you look like when you are old? - Awesome and colourful. And who says I am going to get old anyway. There could at any point be a meteor hitting the earth causing a mass extinction event.

Thanks for your time. Peace, love and puppy dogs.

Custom art not stolen art

Today, purely by accident, I found that someone had copied a tattoo of mine. It was the exact same tattoo, even down to the colours.

All my tattoos (except the black spikey thing are custom).

The artist (some douche in norway) has to take the blame here. He has either completely ripped it off himself or has been lazy when someone showed him a picture of it as inspiration and didn't bother to put his own spin on it.

At first I didn't know whether to be flattered or fucked off. I thought it through, I'm fucked off. By all means use my tattoos as inspiration for your own or to seek out the artists that did them for your own custom piece. Do not copy them though. They are mine. The art was done by the artists for me.

When you are out there on the Internet looking for inspiration make sure that is all you are looking for. Don't print out a picture and say 'I want that'. To get the best tattoo talk to your artist tell them what you like and then let them run with it. They are the professionals.

I feel this was a but ranty so here are some cool pics some cool people did of me. They make me happy.

You lot make me happy too.

Kisses and strawberry jam

Andy Rocketeer art

Me by the beautiful alex

@addictingtattoo

The best I can do with a shit phone camera when I'm on my own on a Friday evening.

my tattoos in pictures

So there were reason behind these. Mainly to showcase my tattoos. They were only taken a few months ago but are all ready out of date as I have had some new work done. Thought I might as well share them with the world before i get old and/or fat.

For photography details contact Emma:
facebook.com/MOJOPhotographymakeup
Info@mojo-photo.co.uk
Twitter: @MOJOphotomakeup

Contact me by not being mean and leaving a comment or on twitter @DougalMcT


hot inked girls tumblr

A selection of tweets all mashed up

I need to get the arrested development out of my system (not the band or the series both were awesome).

So, guess what I did. Why I got a tattoo of course. Like normal I think its beautiful and you may have an opinion. Just remember 'it's not up to you'.

It's my last one for a while. I am braving going back to work after ever and the drive is always torture when all stingy.

My time off has helped me not only to reevaluate all the things in my brain but also to sleep all kinds of odd hours. Which has been a delight. But the real world beckons and I can't avoid it forever. I can however make it more bearable. I know exactly how I am going to do this and all will be revealed soon and I am gonna need willing participants.

I have abused the shit out of twitter during my time off. I have just had a quick look back and some of the thing said are ridiculous.
- I have thought of the correct pressure for a high five to be fulfilling but not stingy. It needs more research
- I have thought of sappy things such as you and hugs and hugs with you.
- I have thought of dizzy the egg and all the yolk folk
- I have though of getting a miniature pinscher and calling it Zeus or Odin. Or cutey-little-puppy-wuppy.
- I want a velociraptor I would put a saddle on it and ride around town listening to Jurassic 5 on a retro ghetto blaster.

Some of the things I have said are genius such as
- According to tv we are ok with Chris brown now. I am gonna go kick the crap out of someone and see how my career does.
Which in turn caused me to tag everything #fuckoffchrisbrown

Other gems include
- BVB are such utter tools. They should be in a death match pitted against one direction.
- Went out with no make up. Bump into my sister who says not 'hello' but 'what's wrong with your face'.
Take that self esteem.

Well as this is just complete and utter self promotion I shall be off.

"you smell like rainbows. You want some weak lemon drink?"

@kirstytelling

Friday night with music

Its Friday night, I am sure loads of you are out there having a super great time. I am at home switching between Kerrang and MTV Rocks whilst getting annoyed at the channels inbetween and occasionally stopping at Q when they have the odd good track. I will keep you up to date with the playlist.

Foo fighters - the pretender

My first thing I want to tell you all about is the response to my writing. I never in a minute expected this response to it. I started it 7 weeks ago on the advice of a super awesome entrepreneur and friend. At the time of me writing this I have had 786 views. That has really touched me. And the nice things people have been saying about it has had me in tears (the good kind). Being called brave and an inspiration are really not things I would expect to hear. I am so happy I can connect with you guys. And the person that called me 'fuckin amazin' I think the same of you. Thank you for opening up to me.

Led Zepplin - Kashmir

Something I have learnt from the messages I have received and the people I have spoken with is that I am not alone in this crazy, mixed up mental illness we call depression. People have commented to me that they never expected me to be sick in this way. I can see exactly their point when you guys open up to me and tell me you feel the same and you are taking X or Y tablets for it. I never expected my honesty to mean so much to you. I will never tell anyone the things you have told me, they are our secrets.

Lady Gaga - you and I
Muse - plug in baby
I want to also say thanks to Q10. Q10 has been amazing. I have had such a hard week. I can't pinpoint the exact reasoning but I have felt myself slipping backwards. It feels so hard to breathe sometime. I have spent the week in a state of total panic which is not going away. You know that feeling when you have butterflies in your tummy and your heart is pounding. I have been like that almost constantly except them few hours when I sleep.

Rihanna - we found love
Thanks for all the tattoo love. The next one is already planned and will be with us in 4 weeks. A lot of you have asked me for advice. All I can say is: research your artist, travel if you have to and pay good money. A cheap tattoo is a shit tattoo. I have a few of them myself. And if you are going to inflict pain and suffering on yourself in the name of art please invite me. Especially if you are going to Mantra in Cheltenham, I love these boys they are probably the best people you will come across in your life - go give them your money! (this is not an advertisement, maybe go to Wood Street instead)

Motorhead - ace of spades
You me at six - the consequence
Guns and Roses - sweet child of mine
Rizzle kicks - mama do the hump

The above list of tracks make me seem like I am really slow at typing,  I'm not, I was on twitter. Some of you even recieved a text during this interval.

Jessie J - Price tag
Tenacious D - Tribute

Seeing as we are doing thanks I wanna thank the super lady who bought me a ticket to see Ed sheeran, this will be amazing. And I wanna thank you, you know who you are, you are my favourite person right now! Oh and get me, I have been off the drink for over 4 weeks now!!!

Peace out for now dudes. You know where I am, probably at home, if not at SDs house, at the garage buying redbull, work, the liden, or on twitter @kirstytelling

Biffy clyro - the captain

All my tattoos

I have tattoos. Currently I have 16 or 15.

The maths involved is as follows:
Right leg 3. This shall be my flowery 'sock'
Middle finger left hand 1. Coming out though
Stomach 2. My beautiful swallows by Shaun bonanas
Left arm 2: one one my 13s and something rubbish
Right arm 4: eventually this will be my sleeve by Sam ricketts
Left ribs 1: seemed like a good idea
Back 3: tribal shit from being 18. Kids name. And a beautiful anchor and ship piece.
Left leg: ha-pea

This coming weekend i shall be adding 3 more to my collection. I love every single one of my tattoos and they all have stories that will probably bore you but I will share each one in time.

This weekend Scott Owen at Mantra Tattoo will be adding a robot with a ghetto blaster to my left leg. I have decided this will be my leg of fun stuff that makes me smile.
The robot is saying beep and was drawn entirely by my beautiful kid. She doesn't want to get any tattoos. I find that surprising as I have so many but i look around me and I live in a world where there are very few tattoos on show and the ones that are are little 'girly' ones.

As I am more tattooed than most in my world I come in for a lot of criticism.

'you'll be covered soon' - that's the point

'how will you look when you are a nan' - who said the kid is having a kid

'what happens when you get married?' - I am 29 and very much single. I can't see love heading this way anytime soon. And if it ever does I am sure my future imaginary husband will have seen my tattoos and know what he is in for.

My favourite though came from a complete stranger at one of them terrible corporate Christmas parties "I like your tattoos, don't get anymore though". I was very much confused by this statement and just replied with "thanks for showing me the error of my ways. I was lost before I found you"

Let's get back to that imaginary husband. I cannot imagine he would not have tattoos. When I am in that dream land between awake and asleep where the depression can't get you I see him and he has loads of tattoos. And not them trendy chino wearing trendy ones. Beautiful pieces of art by amazing artists as well as the ones that hold all the memories. Just like mine.

All I can say is my love of this art form has lead me to meet some people in my life that I wouldn't have normally come across. Every new tattoo I get makes me feel more and more like me and less and less like the girl who who once spent 2 solid weeks in bed either sleeping or crying.

I got told to blog

I say a lot of things every day that I think need to be noted in history. Some may offend you and I apologise but offence isn't really a big deal to me. Some may make you laugh, but I tend to laugh at my jokes the most. And some may make you cry or even cringe.

About me and the future of my blogs:

I am 28 (currently), a single mum of an 8 year old, I work full time 40 miles away from my house (helpful). I do a lot of stupid things and have a lot of bad ideas but they usually pan out in the end. Oh and just to annoy my corporate working environment I tend to get a new tattoo about once every 6 months. I am now confined to long sleeve and trousers (or dark tights) whilst in the office.

Enjoy my life!