You bastard bloody bitches

I would like to point out for the sake of the strops that I can see happening from the following that my blog is my life. Names are never mentioned. If you choose to reveal your identity then that is up to you. Also don't assume I am writing about you, ever heard that song by Carly Simon? Google it but then you're so vain you probably think this blog is about you (giggle)

Well this post is not about you, or you, or in fact any of you. It is a generalisation.

I imagine most of my readers are around my age. But even if you are younger and especially if you are older, pay attention.

Time to start facing up to your annoyances in life. The following are no longer allowed as way of venting your tensions:

Cryptic Facebook status / posts

Crytic tweets

Talking with others about you issue, but not confronting the cause.

If you have an issue with me / my writing / my being on suicide girls or in fact anyone else, tell them. Don't be rude, just tell them. If you don't feel comfortable doing it face to face maybe send an email or text but do remember the meaning can easily be misconstrued without a tone of voice behind it.

The way of conducting oneself is to no longer be bitches (men and women) you'll find it makes life so much easier. I have tried it on 2 occasions this week and the results have been delightful.

for the sake of happiness

When should you give up what you believe for the sake of happiness?

I have taken a lot of them personality test things during my career, Belbin, MBTI, SDI.

Things that have said about me are:

A dynamic team-member

loves a challenge and thrives on pressure.

possesses the drive and courage required to overcome obstacles.

Seeks patterns in group work;

pushes group toward agreement and decisions

challenges others

Prone to provocation

Offends people's feelings

Let's just sum it up. I think I am right and I am going to argue the toss about it.

But, should I give up on some things. Should I say sorry for something, regardless of how I feel about it, to maintain happiness?

Ordinarily this would not be a question I would have to answer. I just don't tend to care. But this time I really do. I have been in a dark scary place for the past two days. I am struggling to function again. I want to be in bed far away from the world and iphones and twitter. My panic attacks have been so bad that my tablets are not touching them and I have barely slept. I was up at 4.30 this morning trying to contain my tears.

I have been hurt by the lack of trust in me and feel I have been tarred by the brush of the behaviours of others. It would be easy for me to plead forgiveness but for what? For being who I am?

I don't what to do now. Do I just chalk this one up to experience. I don't want to give up but maybe I have to. Is it true that the thing that attracts someone to you is the thing that makes them turn away? Is the start of a relationship doomed to be the thing that is held against you in the end?

Surviving a long distance relationship

 

When you think of a long distance relationship you think of 2 people that were together but have become separated by work or, for the younger generation, education.
 

Well I have done it another way. My last and current relationship started out from the beginning as long distance. My ill-fated relationship with blue eyes was about 100 miles apart and that was when he was not working all round the country. My current relationship is 80 miles apart.
 

Now dont get me wrong I have no bitter feelings about blue eyes. I did, but I got bored of it. The hurt feelings fade away. We occasionally speak about pointless things. I will always make time for him if he needed it. However, the way in which things ended really has made me feel very uncertain about myself and my new beau. I don't want to measure my relationships in miles but in shared dreams. Of course, physical separation results in increased anxiety. This is not unhappiness. It is nice to have someone in  my life to miss again. Just sometimes when you get home from a shitty day at work or spending 4 hours trapped on the m4 you want a hug not a text.
 

Instead of writing a self help on this I thought I would share the help from that bible of womanhood that is Cosmopolitan. From 'looking after yourself' to phone sex and talking dirty, Cosmo’s got it covered…
 

1.Communicate on a daily basis (or whenever suits you best as a couple) and arrange specific times to stick to, like a date.

Thanks for stating the obvious cosmo. Who would have thought to speak to the person you are in a relationship with at a convienient time.

2.Distance may be preventing you from getting down and dirty but there’s no point in letting him forget just how sexy you are, is there? Sexting, phone sex and virtual loving are all available at your fingertips
Is sexting a made up word? I think it is. And the saying virtual loving just makes me want to be sick in my mouth. Why does cosmo still have the view that sex is meant to be getting down and dirty? I thought cosmo was open minded and for modern women? I don't know any woman that would use this kind of language.

3.Learn to speak the (dirty) language of love, sure to keep him hanging on to your every word. Never done it before? It’s simple! Say what you feel and if you need inspiration try reading erotic fiction to get your creative juices flowing.
Again cosmo refer to sex as dirty. I think someone needs to re-write the tone of voice guidelines they use. Yeah I got all professional on you there. Don't be scared.
What cosmo is suggesting here is quoting 50 shades of grey, unleashing your inner goddess. Oh my!!
 

4.Nothing captures a moment better then a song. Make a deal to create each other a compilation CD of all the songs you love at the moment and hits that remind you of him.
Are you saying make a mix tape? I think you are. I have come to believe that whoever wrote this had a hangover one Sunday and were sat around in their PJs watching Friends on comedy central.
 

5.Ever thought of writing a lust letter? Unlike a text a letter can really let you get imaginative. You can get personal, detail your fantasies or favourite sexual moments you’ve had. Finish with a spray of your best perfume and pop in the post. The perfect erotic keepsake!
I think what cosmo are saying here is that technology prevents you being creative. To put these words down on paper would really make me cringe. If you really must do this try email. If it is poorly recieved you can claim your email has been hacked. And spraying it with perfume seems a juvenile act and reeks of desperation in many ways.
 

6.There will be tough times when all you want is to see him. For moments like this just remind yourself of all the happy moments you’ve had together. Have a look at some old snaps or give him a text, it’s likely he’s feeling the same. Need a hug? Pop on one of his jumpers, it's the next best thing.
There will be tough times, this is correct. Remember the happy times, yes its going well so far. Pictures, ok. Send a text, yeah good idea. Oh no you ruined it. A jumper is not the next best thing to physical contact and interaction. So near, yet so far.
 

7.There’s nothing like a sex game to spice things up and just because there’s miles between doesn’t mean you can’t play along. Try a picture phone game. Send him snaps of certain body parts (make them sexy yet difficult to identify) for every part he guesses correctly, credit him with another minute of his favourite foreplay movement for next time you get together.
Hang on isn't this the age old game of ass or elbow? Credit him with another minute of foreplay. That is right penis is one hand and stop watch in the other. You don't wanna run over, he hasn't earned it. Are we now training to be a mistress?
 

8.Unfortunately, as much as we love our boyfriends they can do things that drive us CRAZY. LDRs can dilute the fact he likes to chew with his mouth open or that he spends hours on his games console, all the little things that would probably cause a massive argument if you had to deal with them continuously. These problems will seem pretty much irrelevant when you do get to spend time together.
This isn't advice it is a statement. This must have been the moment when the writers obligatory hangover dominoes arrived.
 

9.Try throwing yourself into a positive activity. Try hard at work and reap in the benefits both career and money wise, meet up with lots of friends, get a new hobby, the list is endless! That way you won’t be sitting around pining but will be making the most of your life.
So, the advice here is when not with boyfriend do something different. Brilliant. I wish I had thought of this. I had been sat here in the dark waiting for his next visit.
 

10.Ok time to be selfish ladies and talk the big O. The biggest cause of annoyance at LDRs can be the sheer sexual frustration of it all, so why not invest in some toys? Sure to keep you satisfied until the next visit plus we’re sure he wouldn’t object to listening in.
Oh the big O, snigger snigger, I think you mean orgasm, giggle. Come on cosmo write it like this "why not have a lady wank?". Oh and let him listen in, you have cheated here you have gone back to point 2.

Well I do hope all that insight helped. Oh and follow me on twitter @dougalsuicide it'll be fucking algerbraic I promise.

A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

A guide to getting dumped

Ask any one of my friends and they will tell you that I am awful at relationships. I have done my fair share of dumping and been dumped a lot. With this in mind I share with you my definitive guide to getting dumped.

1. Conduct discussions via text. Discussions on the phone or especially face to face seek to clarify situations. This is not useful when being dumped. All conversations should be had by text to cause confusion and make you second guess yourself and the situation. Whilst having these text conversations you should ask wholly unreasonable questions like "would you be so kind as to explain the current situation in frank detail as its confusing". It is out of order for you to expect a response other than: I'm confused, I'm not sure and it's not you it's me.

2. Enter a relationship with a serial dumper. It's a good idea for you to think you can change the dumper. Of course you can. Put all your trust in to this dumper as it will be different for you guys. The serial dumper will promise you the moon on a stick, as that is, after all, what you want. You will then be sorely disappointed when you don't get it. But good on you for being so optimistic to think you wouldn't be dumped.

3. Carry on being yourself. All them reasons that your dumper was attracted to you for, they want you to stop them. Say you like to go out and dance like an utter idiot with your friends and laugh so much you can't breathe, well you should stop that as it now causes the dumper embarrassment. Carry on at your own peril.

4. Be honest. Being honest about what you are thinking and what you are doing in your life will cause the dumper confusion. This is especially good when combined with point 1.
Example: The text 'I miss you' will arrive at the other persons phone as 'I cannot stand being apart from you for one minute of my life. It's harrowing and sorrowful I can barely continue to breathe. Please help me by running away to live on a yacht with me in international waters where I can have all your attention 24/7.'. Your intention was to let the dumper know you are thinking of them as they are important to you but the dumper now believes you are clingy and unable to control your emotions. Dumping achieved!

5. Spend time with your friends. The dumper doesn't like your friends and thinks you spend too much time with them yet refuses to join in and attend social events. This is showing the dumper you are not entirely devoted to them.

6. Don't spend time with your friend. You are too clingy and needy the dumper needs space. Dumping ahoy!

7. Laugh. Relationships are jolly serious thing and should be approached as such. Your insistence on having fun and laughing is not what the dumper wants. They want all serious all the time. Rows should be had and not ignored in favour of saying something amusing. If you are not going to act like a "grown up" (what ever that is) you will get dumped.

8. Have sex. God all you are is about sex. Don't you think of anything else. I don't care if it is the honeymoon period and you constantly want to jump the dumpers bones. You must not. It gives the wrong impressions. Talk about art and philosophy and the weather instead.

9. Don't have sex. You frigid bastard. All you do is go on about art and philosophy and the weather. The dumper really doesn't feel that you are physically attracted to them.

10. Have friends of the opposite sex. How on this earth is it possible for you to have friends of the opposite sex without engaging in coitus all of the time? It's not possible. It can't be possible. Friends of the opposite sex cause jealousy and therefore should be hidden or you will be dumped for being a brazen hussy.

How to get over heartache

We have all experienced the pain of heartache. It's a horrible helpless feeling that can't really be explained. The lovely @obscurethingy thinks you should "wallow in it; enjoy every bitter sweet moment."

As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.

1. Hide away from the world - You are an utter mess. You emotions are up and down more than normal happy folk care to know about. Your need to hide away in you room under your duvet where your tearful, puffy, red, forlorn face cannot be seen by the public. They don't need you bringing them down.
2. Text - Ignore helpful texts from friends. Instead spend as much time as possible sending texts to the one that made you feel this way. This will make you feel like an utter dickhead a few months from now, but don't worry about that live in the moment. Some ideas for texts are:
   Shock- I can't believe you are doing this
   Anger - I hate you so much
   Sex - How about a quickie for old times sake
   Love - I love you so much
   Resignation - Make that fake resignation, lets be friends.
   Make sure that the message you send are extrememly long so it will bore their intended recipient. 
3. Social media - make sure you share every single tiny little bit of your heart ache on all available social networks.
   Facebook - long winded status about how sad you are and can't beleive this has happened, when a friend asks if you are ok you must reply either; I don't want to talk about it, or I'll text you it's personal. Maybe post some sad songs on there off youtube. Finally change your picture to a sad but cute thing.
   Twitter - As many tweets as you can about how sad and hurt and deep you are.
   Instagram and Tumblr - Sad, sad, sad pictures with emo tags and titles. Make sure you also post these to twitter and facebook.
4. Food - Now you have two options when it comes to food. Firstly you lay in bed eating all available food in your house then order out for more food with added extras and drinks with all the sugar. Get fat and sweaty and cry more. Or the other option is do not eat. This one is more for women. Don't eat apart from maybe a boiled egg a day and some diet coke. You will then be told that being dumped agrees with you and you are hot and thin. Thin doesn't mean hot but people will say it to humour you.
5. Have a great time - Go out, get hammered, get in as many hilarious photos as possible, cry over the person in the pub toilet, sleep around. All of these things will make you feel momentarily better and the aftermath of the hangover, the untagging on facebook, the hilarious Oh Em Gee look at me I am so funny on facebook and the inevitable chlamydia will make you forget the sad, sad pain deep in your soul.

My final advice to you is cry. Cry so harder your neighbours can hear you. Wail like a baby. Cry so much that your eyes and throat both run out of any kind of liquid substance. Once all of this is done cry some more. Cry them sad little tears of memories and what might have beens when you are laying in bed at night.

If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.

An example of number 3, social media

A lot can happen in 60 days

The past 60 days have been interesting.

I have been to work
Met a person I admired
Been off work
Had a breakdown
Got a bit better
Spent time with the person I admire
Been back to work
Been so sad
Been so happy

This is not a full list. But a lot has happened.

β-blockers have been a bit of a bitch to me. I have been prescribed propranolol to help me deal with the anxiety that consumed me. They work by diminishing the effects of stress hormones such as adrenaline. This means no panic, no fight or flight response and what I can only say is lots of pain. I was thinking why I wasn't dealing well with tattoos lately and it makes sense that it is in part due to
β-blockers. It's gonna take me longer to finish my first sleeve than anticipated. I don't wanna get more tattoos whilst I am ill-equipped to deal with the pain.

This particular boy has my heart in the palm of his hand (biffy clyro guys). I'm not sure he knows but he should. His presence has been a significant calming influence to me. I don't know what will happen in the future and I don't wanna question what we may or may not have. All I know is that he makes me happy. Adjusting to thinking differently about this situation is hard. But it's well l'oreal.

I think I was, for a short while, in danger of becoming addicted to sleeping tablets. I have none left and had a good few days when sleeping was a struggle. I did however get through these few days. I am not really sleeping properly still. I usually wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning then am not quite awake and not quite asleep until my alarm goes off. Then my brain decides it must be asleep which is a bit of an annoyance since I have gone back to work. I am surviving on a lot of redbull at the moment just to make it through that long car journey down the m4.

Being told about and given a book about cognitive behavioural therapy has helped with a lot of the issues that get in my brain and cause me to hide in bed. The basics of cbt are that you feel the way you think, put simply; you are more happy if you think in a more healthy and happy ways. It's an easy concept and it's really helping me with the anxiety and depression that I have told you all about. It's also helping me with the self esteem issues I keep in my head. I am a very shy person. This is a fact that many find hard to believe. I have no problems standing in front of a group of senior managers at work and talking about stuff I feel passionate about. In a big group of people I can hold my own. Put me in a more intimate situation me and you in a room sat face to face and talking and I will want to hide. Ask me to talk about how I am feeling or what has lead me to become so melancholy and I will shy away and skirt around the answers. I feel safer blurting on my feelings on this blog than I do ringing my closest friends and telling them that I need help.

Since being back to work I have changed my outlook on it. I still struggle with the values that I feel are forced upon me. I do however feel more comfortable in my role. I love my job and the people it puts me in touch with and I have a new found 'hunger' to pursue my goals.

Things are better for me. I'm not cured, I'm in no way the person I was before but I'm focusing my attention on the stuff that matters to me and not on the stuff that makes me want to hide from the world.

Why I will keep getting tattooed

An awesome person spoke to me last weekend and said "if you are getting all these tattoos when you are in this dark place do you not think you will regret them when you come out the other side?" (this was the basis I may have some words wrong)

My answer is now, and will forever be, no. I have no regrets around any of my tattoos. They all have a separate little meaning deep down in my heart that I will keep as my dirty little secret. I'm not talking about them bullshit stories off of Miami or LA ink that would not look out of place in the X Factor sob story section. Just little memories from the day or around the time that make me smile. These little bits of happiness are forever mine and they keep me sane during times when I feel alone.

I have said before and will say again: Tattoo the memories and the things that make you happy. Don't tattoo the moment because in a second it could be over. All but the matching tattoos are things that make me happy. The matching tattoos are moments. Perfect moments. But moments that were over so quickly and caused so much pain.

I know being the painted little twerp I am makes people view me differently and often in a stereotypical way. I don't see this as my problem though. I see it as a challenge to change people's views, a way of starting conversations and meeting probably the coolest darn people on the planet.

Tattooed people are not only the most fun to look at naked but they just seem to have a different outlook. The are genuine and heartfelt. Don't get me confused on this, I am not talking about the girl with the dolphin or the bigger boy at the gym with the tribal. I mean real pieces of art, the kind of art that makes you say wow even if the subject is not one you personally choose.

Tattoos are not some underground thing. Look around you I am sure a lot of people you know have tattoos. And the ones who choose to have more than the average are not satanist intent on kicking your kid in the shins. We are not uneducated villains who want to be centre of the worlds attention.

We are probably sat next to you on a train reading Sophie's World or at work doing that same mundane office job you do.

And we most definitely do not all have Harley Davidsons (we have a time share scheme).

So I will keep getting tattooed because I love the art, the people and where it takes me. I have plenty of skin and plenty of ideas left and I would hope I have plenty of time left in this world to seek out amazing artists.