A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

How to get over heartache

We have all experienced the pain of heartache. It's a horrible helpless feeling that can't really be explained. The lovely @obscurethingy thinks you should "wallow in it; enjoy every bitter sweet moment."

As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.

1. Hide away from the world - You are an utter mess. You emotions are up and down more than normal happy folk care to know about. Your need to hide away in you room under your duvet where your tearful, puffy, red, forlorn face cannot be seen by the public. They don't need you bringing them down.
2. Text - Ignore helpful texts from friends. Instead spend as much time as possible sending texts to the one that made you feel this way. This will make you feel like an utter dickhead a few months from now, but don't worry about that live in the moment. Some ideas for texts are:
   Shock- I can't believe you are doing this
   Anger - I hate you so much
   Sex - How about a quickie for old times sake
   Love - I love you so much
   Resignation - Make that fake resignation, lets be friends.
   Make sure that the message you send are extrememly long so it will bore their intended recipient. 
3. Social media - make sure you share every single tiny little bit of your heart ache on all available social networks.
   Facebook - long winded status about how sad you are and can't beleive this has happened, when a friend asks if you are ok you must reply either; I don't want to talk about it, or I'll text you it's personal. Maybe post some sad songs on there off youtube. Finally change your picture to a sad but cute thing.
   Twitter - As many tweets as you can about how sad and hurt and deep you are.
   Instagram and Tumblr - Sad, sad, sad pictures with emo tags and titles. Make sure you also post these to twitter and facebook.
4. Food - Now you have two options when it comes to food. Firstly you lay in bed eating all available food in your house then order out for more food with added extras and drinks with all the sugar. Get fat and sweaty and cry more. Or the other option is do not eat. This one is more for women. Don't eat apart from maybe a boiled egg a day and some diet coke. You will then be told that being dumped agrees with you and you are hot and thin. Thin doesn't mean hot but people will say it to humour you.
5. Have a great time - Go out, get hammered, get in as many hilarious photos as possible, cry over the person in the pub toilet, sleep around. All of these things will make you feel momentarily better and the aftermath of the hangover, the untagging on facebook, the hilarious Oh Em Gee look at me I am so funny on facebook and the inevitable chlamydia will make you forget the sad, sad pain deep in your soul.

My final advice to you is cry. Cry so harder your neighbours can hear you. Wail like a baby. Cry so much that your eyes and throat both run out of any kind of liquid substance. Once all of this is done cry some more. Cry them sad little tears of memories and what might have beens when you are laying in bed at night.

If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.

An example of number 3, social media

When I realised I didn't care

I would honestly say that the last 6 or 7 months have been, to use a massive cliche, an emotional rollercoaster, ending in being dumped in a rather mean way. Yes I got dumped by text (again).

I was utterly distraught by this, but, I had a odd epiphany. That is to say I had an intuitive grasp of reality I didn't observe a church festival in commemoration of the coming of the Magi. I realised that I just don't care anymore. I just don't give a fuck.

That is not to say I am not still very much in love with the Dumper, cos I am. I miss him loads. But as the dumpee I am powerless in this situation. And hey I seem to have gained a quite awesome friend who says nice things. Not exactly what I was looking for but better than nothing I suppose.

This not giving a fuck feeling is great. In the classy establishment that is the co-op a lovely middle aged lady said "tut why she got to have all them tattoos?" her friend replied "I dunno but I bet she don't have a job" The best part of this was when I turned round, she works for the same company I do. There is a lesson here about taking your work ID off when not at work. These are the utter dick heads I have to deal with on a daily basis. I am not gonna change them and making a scene in the co-op, although enjoyable, is not going to achieve anything. I just can't wait to be in my local office so I can walk past this delightful ladies desk. I shall stop and say hello to her.

I think I have had all the emotions now. There are none left. My one remaining feeling was hurt and that's it. I am officially dead inside. Which nicely brings me back to zombies.

I now how have my team for 2.8 hours later. I want my team to know I will sacrifice each and every one of you if I need to. We are going to be running in Bristol so if you are let me know and say hello.

Forever

Forever as a concept is beautiful and poetic, it's the permanence that gives you safety and sanctity.

Forever is easy for me to perceive. Thinking of the few friends and boyfriends I have said forever to in my life I realise I still mean it. We may never speak again but if they decide they needed me for anything I would do all I could to help.

Tattoos advertise everlasting allegiances and values. Everlasting that is until death do us part.

I think this is why I gravitate towards the heavily tattooed. They wear their heart on their sleeves, literally! They are a walking archive of private and personal thoughts on show for the world to see.

Tattooed people are forever people in friendship. They are permanent fixtures as they understand permanence.

I hope to pass my forever on to the kid one day. She doesn't want to get tattooed but when she is older I would want nothing more than for her to get her own versions of one of mine and her dads tattoos. Just so she has a little piece of us, forever.

Don't be scared to say forever as long as you mean forever. The relationship may not have to last but the sentiment does.