This morning though I finally snapped. I am sick of all the petty tensions and sharing of private information. So here is what happened:
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2013
When you finally snap
Everyone knows I hate facebook. I'm still on it, I know, but it's nice to be in the loop.
This morning though I finally snapped. I am sick of all the petty tensions and sharing of private information. So here is what happened:
This morning though I finally snapped. I am sick of all the petty tensions and sharing of private information. So here is what happened:
Friday, August 24, 2012
A guide to moving on
So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...
We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.
We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.
1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.
2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.
3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.
4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.
5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.
Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.
We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.
We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.
1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.
2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.
3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.
4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.
5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.
Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
How to get over heartache
We have all experienced the pain of heartache. It's a horrible helpless feeling that can't really be explained. The lovely @obscurethingy thinks you should "wallow in it; enjoy every bitter sweet moment."
As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.
If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.
As a seasoned professional now I feel that is is only fair that I share my handy hints on how to deal with the situation, not like a grown up, but like every other fucker in the world would deal with it although they would deny this.
- Hide away from the world - You are an utter mess. You emotions are up and down more than normal happy folk care to know about. Your need to hide away in you room under your duvet where your tearful, puffy, red, forlorn face cannot be seen by the public. They don't need you bringing them down.
- Text - Ignore helpful texts from friends. Instead spend as much time as possible sending texts to the one that made you feel this way. This will make you feel like an utter dickhead a few months from now, but don't worry about that live in the moment. Some ideas for texts are:
Shock- I can't believe you are doing this
Anger - I hate you so much
Sex - How about a quickie for old times sake
Love - I love you so much
Resignation - Make that fake resignation, lets be friends.
Make sure that the message you send are extrememly long so it will bore their intended recipient. - Social media - make sure you share every single tiny little bit of your heart ache on all available social networks.
Facebook - long winded status about how sad you are and can't beleive this has happened, when a friend asks if you are ok you must reply either; I don't want to talk about it, or I'll text you it's personal. Maybe post some sad songs on there off youtube. Finally change your picture to a sad but cute thing.
Twitter - As many tweets as you can about how sad and hurt and deep you are.
Instagram and Tumblr - Sad, sad, sad pictures with emo tags and titles. Make sure you also post these to twitter and facebook. - Food - Now you have two options when it comes to food. Firstly you lay in bed eating all available food in your house then order out for more food with added extras and drinks with all the sugar. Get fat and sweaty and cry more. Or the other option is do not eat. This one is more for women. Don't eat apart from maybe a boiled egg a day and some diet coke. You will then be told that being dumped agrees with you and you are hot and thin. Thin doesn't mean hot but people will say it to humour you.
- Have a great time - Go out, get hammered, get in as many hilarious photos as possible, cry over the person in the pub toilet, sleep around. All of these things will make you feel momentarily better and the aftermath of the hangover, the untagging on facebook, the hilarious Oh Em Gee look at me I am so funny on facebook and the inevitable chlamydia will make you forget the sad, sad pain deep in your soul.
If you're anything about me when the crying stops you will meet someone new to stomp all over you and when you do refer back to this list.
 |
| An example of number 3, social media |
Saturday, May 5, 2012
How to be a good mum
I am a mum. I have been doing ok at it for 8 and a half years now. The kid is still alive for starters. I don't really like to go on about her a lot cos no one really wants to hear about people's kids. Unless someone brings her up in conversation I tend not to broach the subject. I will tell you this though: she is above average in reading and considered 'gifted & talented' at both writing and maths.
So that's my little bit of showing off. It's not by chance she is at these levels. I always tell her the importance of education to help you get ahead in life.
I had the kid fairly young in life. By no means young by Swindon standards but too young nevertheless. Such just before my 21st birthday the most beautiful kid in the world came out the sunroof. I have basically been winging it ever since. I had and still have no idea how to be a mum. I will probably never figure it out. The only advice I can give people is in the first few years sleep when you can.
There has come along recently a breed of super mums intent on telling the world how to be parents and how awesome their kids are. They have seemed to miss the point that we are all built to procreate. We will probably all have kid eventually. They are not the first ones to try this fun new craze. They want to ram their "biggest achievement" down our throat.
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Anyone who says their biggest achievement in life is having a kid have really set their sights low. I know some people who can barely look after a goldfish and therefore shouldn't be trusted with another human life who have kids all over the place. I don't see kids as an achievement. Raising and awesome kid that is the next Einstein maybe but just having a kid is not. Do you see my point? There is a difference!
The super mums probably think I am doing things wrong. I am a mum but that is not the only thing I am. I am lucky enough that the kids dad is very good with the time he has her so that I can lead my own life. This is not to say I don't miss the little lady when I she is at her dads, I do. I miss the harsh and abrasive wake up calls that can only have been learned from me. I am not a morning person.
The list of kids that actually interest me is very short. That's not to say I am going to be mean to your kids, unless they are mean to me, then I will put the little shits in a headlock.
<><>
The thing is, new born babies are boring, just milk, sleep and inevitably crying. Older babies are funny for about 3 minutes till they inevitably cry. Toddlers just get in your stuff. they touch everything and are so very accident prone that they inevitably cry.
Then they get to school age, when they start getting a bit materialistic. They want stuff they can't have and inevitably cry.
So what have we learned? Kids cry basically.
Super mums I have a request of you please stop filling my life with your advice and idle chatter. And as lovely as your kids may be no one wants to see endless pictures and status updates about them.
And all mums, never give up on your heels. Get some than match the pushchair after the baby is born cos well you are l'oreal.
So that's my little bit of showing off. It's not by chance she is at these levels. I always tell her the importance of education to help you get ahead in life.
I had the kid fairly young in life. By no means young by Swindon standards but too young nevertheless. Such just before my 21st birthday the most beautiful kid in the world came out the sunroof. I have basically been winging it ever since. I had and still have no idea how to be a mum. I will probably never figure it out. The only advice I can give people is in the first few years sleep when you can.
There has come along recently a breed of super mums intent on telling the world how to be parents and how awesome their kids are. They have seemed to miss the point that we are all built to procreate. We will probably all have kid eventually. They are not the first ones to try this fun new craze. They want to ram their "biggest achievement" down our throat.
 |
| Tiny lady jesko |
The super mums probably think I am doing things wrong. I am a mum but that is not the only thing I am. I am lucky enough that the kids dad is very good with the time he has her so that I can lead my own life. This is not to say I don't miss the little lady when I she is at her dads, I do. I miss the harsh and abrasive wake up calls that can only have been learned from me. I am not a morning person.
The list of kids that actually interest me is very short. That's not to say I am going to be mean to your kids, unless they are mean to me, then I will put the little shits in a headlock.
 |
| Even baby gooners don't interest me |
Then they get to school age, when they start getting a bit materialistic. They want stuff they can't have and inevitably cry.
So what have we learned? Kids cry basically.
Super mums I have a request of you please stop filling my life with your advice and idle chatter. And as lovely as your kids may be no one wants to see endless pictures and status updates about them.
And all mums, never give up on your heels. Get some than match the pushchair after the baby is born cos well you are l'oreal.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Why I hate Facebook.
So Facebook has turned into my mortal enemy in the last few weeks.
I love the idea of Facebook. Being able to connect with the important people in your life no matter where they are in the world. However this is not what it is used for.
A friend of mine calls it bragbook. Which is entirely true, 'look at me, look what I have'. I know of a girl that would genuinely get upset about what she saw on facebook as she would compare it to her life and I can only assume it made her feel like a failure.
Another reason for Facebook use is 'oh my god I am so fun'. Endless check ins at various locations, usually trendy bars with thousands of pictures of you having yet another great night out with your mates who are 'actual legends' (yup that's in there). I have done this myself. Not in a very long time I may add. But I have done it. And I am a massive French shower for doing it.
I am not saying i do not go on Facebook. I do. It fills that bit of blank space in my day when I just feel I need to know what people i probably wouldn't even speak to in the street are having for dinner. And I love nothing more than to look at endless pictures of kids because no one cares more about your kids than someone you went to school with.
I also update my status some recent examples are:
-excited to see scott Owen tomorrow. And if he bombs me off it's only fair that I get to tattoo him
-you're all cunts
-yeah i'm a bloody pirate...
Recently I have found Facebook over run with opinion:
- opinion is a subjective belief, and is the result of emotion or interpretation of facts.
- fact is something that has really occurred or is actually the case.
So, as I have mentioned, or as those of you that know me are aware I have a lot of tattoos. These tattoos are mine and I love every last one of them. I would hazard a guess that if I walked past you in the street, especially during working hours that you would not see them. If you so happen to see any of my tattoos, maybe by standing across the street in the bushes staring in my bedroom window or by seeing me at a weekend you can form an opinion of them. If its a nice opinion tell me, if you wanna discuss the artist or even the meaning I will do this. If however your opinion is not nice, if you think my tattoos are stupid, or you want to tell me that I shouldn't have got any of them then I would like to tell you this now: fuck off.
There really is no need to share your negative opinion with me. It achieves nothing. If you have a fact to tell me that is negative such as "hey kirsty that tattoo on your left arm is poorly executed and has blowout" you are welcome to do so.
Now even worse is that you don't have any tattoos and you want to tell me you don't like them. Or on the other hand you do have tattoos but you seem to think you have been put in charge of tattoos, you type of people can shut the fuck up and fall down a well for all I care.
Back to Facebook- I usually put a few pics of my tattoos on Facebook for people like my mother to see. I rarely see her and I am sure she would be interested. These pictures seemed to stir up a lot of opinions. Some nice. Some not so nice. So when yesterday I got 4 new tattoos I took the decision to not put any pics on Facebook.
However there is a twist, I was dared by 12 of my friends to get there names tattooed on me. Not one to turn down a dare but not wanting to waste valuable leg room I got their 12 initials down the back of my left leg.
A pic of this was sent to my friends and one put it on Facebook. This is where the comments started. People sharing their negative opinion of what I should or shouldn't do with my life and my skin. A lot were sent to me privately so as not to show the world what utter twunts the senders are.
I will keep these private, for now.
I would leave Facebook but then how would I find out the hot guy I am in Internet love with is single (probably twitter actually).
So to sum up a quote from a status update i put out there a while ago
"MAY YOUR LIFE ONE DAY BE AS AWESOME AS YOU MAKE IT OUT TO BE ON FACEBOOK"
Be nice to each other or I will send the bigger boys round.
I love the idea of Facebook. Being able to connect with the important people in your life no matter where they are in the world. However this is not what it is used for.
A friend of mine calls it bragbook. Which is entirely true, 'look at me, look what I have'. I know of a girl that would genuinely get upset about what she saw on facebook as she would compare it to her life and I can only assume it made her feel like a failure.
Another reason for Facebook use is 'oh my god I am so fun'. Endless check ins at various locations, usually trendy bars with thousands of pictures of you having yet another great night out with your mates who are 'actual legends' (yup that's in there). I have done this myself. Not in a very long time I may add. But I have done it. And I am a massive French shower for doing it.
I am not saying i do not go on Facebook. I do. It fills that bit of blank space in my day when I just feel I need to know what people i probably wouldn't even speak to in the street are having for dinner. And I love nothing more than to look at endless pictures of kids because no one cares more about your kids than someone you went to school with.
I also update my status some recent examples are:
-excited to see scott Owen tomorrow. And if he bombs me off it's only fair that I get to tattoo him
-you're all cunts
-yeah i'm a bloody pirate...
Recently I have found Facebook over run with opinion:
- opinion is a subjective belief, and is the result of emotion or interpretation of facts.
- fact is something that has really occurred or is actually the case.
So, as I have mentioned, or as those of you that know me are aware I have a lot of tattoos. These tattoos are mine and I love every last one of them. I would hazard a guess that if I walked past you in the street, especially during working hours that you would not see them. If you so happen to see any of my tattoos, maybe by standing across the street in the bushes staring in my bedroom window or by seeing me at a weekend you can form an opinion of them. If its a nice opinion tell me, if you wanna discuss the artist or even the meaning I will do this. If however your opinion is not nice, if you think my tattoos are stupid, or you want to tell me that I shouldn't have got any of them then I would like to tell you this now: fuck off.
There really is no need to share your negative opinion with me. It achieves nothing. If you have a fact to tell me that is negative such as "hey kirsty that tattoo on your left arm is poorly executed and has blowout" you are welcome to do so.
Now even worse is that you don't have any tattoos and you want to tell me you don't like them. Or on the other hand you do have tattoos but you seem to think you have been put in charge of tattoos, you type of people can shut the fuck up and fall down a well for all I care.
Back to Facebook- I usually put a few pics of my tattoos on Facebook for people like my mother to see. I rarely see her and I am sure she would be interested. These pictures seemed to stir up a lot of opinions. Some nice. Some not so nice. So when yesterday I got 4 new tattoos I took the decision to not put any pics on Facebook.
However there is a twist, I was dared by 12 of my friends to get there names tattooed on me. Not one to turn down a dare but not wanting to waste valuable leg room I got their 12 initials down the back of my left leg.
A pic of this was sent to my friends and one put it on Facebook. This is where the comments started. People sharing their negative opinion of what I should or shouldn't do with my life and my skin. A lot were sent to me privately so as not to show the world what utter twunts the senders are.
I will keep these private, for now.
I would leave Facebook but then how would I find out the hot guy I am in Internet love with is single (probably twitter actually).
So to sum up a quote from a status update i put out there a while ago
"MAY YOUR LIFE ONE DAY BE AS AWESOME AS YOU MAKE IT OUT TO BE ON FACEBOOK"
Be nice to each other or I will send the bigger boys round.
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