You bastard bloody bitches

I would like to point out for the sake of the strops that I can see happening from the following that my blog is my life. Names are never mentioned. If you choose to reveal your identity then that is up to you. Also don't assume I am writing about you, ever heard that song by Carly Simon? Google it but then you're so vain you probably think this blog is about you (giggle)

Well this post is not about you, or you, or in fact any of you. It is a generalisation.

I imagine most of my readers are around my age. But even if you are younger and especially if you are older, pay attention.

Time to start facing up to your annoyances in life. The following are no longer allowed as way of venting your tensions:

Cryptic Facebook status / posts

Crytic tweets

Talking with others about you issue, but not confronting the cause.

If you have an issue with me / my writing / my being on suicide girls or in fact anyone else, tell them. Don't be rude, just tell them. If you don't feel comfortable doing it face to face maybe send an email or text but do remember the meaning can easily be misconstrued without a tone of voice behind it.

The way of conducting oneself is to no longer be bitches (men and women) you'll find it makes life so much easier. I have tried it on 2 occasions this week and the results have been delightful.

A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

Custom art not stolen art

Today, purely by accident, I found that someone had copied a tattoo of mine. It was the exact same tattoo, even down to the colours.

All my tattoos (except the black spikey thing are custom).

The artist (some douche in norway) has to take the blame here. He has either completely ripped it off himself or has been lazy when someone showed him a picture of it as inspiration and didn't bother to put his own spin on it.

At first I didn't know whether to be flattered or fucked off. I thought it through, I'm fucked off. By all means use my tattoos as inspiration for your own or to seek out the artists that did them for your own custom piece. Do not copy them though. They are mine. The art was done by the artists for me.

When you are out there on the Internet looking for inspiration make sure that is all you are looking for. Don't print out a picture and say 'I want that'. To get the best tattoo talk to your artist tell them what you like and then let them run with it. They are the professionals.

I feel this was a but ranty so here are some cool pics some cool people did of me. They make me happy.

You lot make me happy too.

Kisses and strawberry jam

Andy Rocketeer art

Me by the beautiful alex

Not sleeping makes me cry

Edited as when I first wrote this it was poorly spelt a bit whiny.

Firstly a word. I named my blog: the things I think. Because it is exactly that. The things I think. It's not called I'm right you're wrong.
Some people find my work offensive. I can understand that. I don't hold traditional views on a lot of things. I'm not trying to preach to anyone with the things I say just trying to share the insight of a girl with mental health issues. If you have been at any time in the past or are at any time in the future I apologise. I will not take back what I said unless you can give me a compelling arguement to do so. It's not my intention to offend. If I wanted to do that I would call you all cunts and be constantly looking for opportunities to be on balconies above you so I could spit on you.

I'm not a crier in general. It's a bit rubbish when your eyes leak everywhere and ruins the make-up that took five minutes to apply and will inevitably rub off anyway.
When I am awake like I am now, counting down the hours till I have I get up I feel nothing but frustrated. I just want to sleep. I don't care about the things my mind throws at me. I don't know why my body becomes unable to regulate its own temperature. Too cold then too hot and if i get out of bed to walk on the cold floor the bottoms will literally feel on fire when I get back in bed.

Sometimes I will get as little as 3 hours sleep. I sit at work like a zombie just hoping for the day to end as quick as possible. I can't remember a darn thing. I'm just a bit of a useless mess.

I have so many ideas when I am trying to get to sleep. I tend to not remember them come the morning. I am like a stoner without the fun of the giggles or the snack time of the munchies. Maybe I should start writing them down, but I think that would keep me awake longer and mayber reveal the stream of consciousness of a mad-woman.

In a purely selfish way I am glad there are others out there in the same position as me. Wondering the house at 2am angry that they need to be up in 4 hours. If that's you give me a text or a tweet we can sob at each other.

ZZZ is onomatopoeia for snoring but more likely an implication of sleep

An open letter to my neighbour

Neighbour I know we have before exchanged notes and I feel we must again.
Last time the note from you suggested I keep my noise down in the mornings. My advice of you getting a job so you will be up at the same time as me seems to have been ignored.

This time I would like to draw attention to your constant rutting with your on again off again boyfriend who I can only guess is called jamal.

I understand that your rutting is the natural expression of love between a man and a woman. But really does it have to be at all hours of the day and night?
If the answer is yes I have some ideas for you.
1. Move the bed away from the wall.
2. Get a new bed with non squeaky springs. Maybe memory foam.
3. Stop faking it. You get nothing out of it in the long run. Try positive reinforcement.

In conclusion neighbour: shut the fuck up