A guide to moving on

So, you've been dumped, well kinda, but not quite...

We've all done it. And don't even try to deny it. We have all clung on like a baby monkey to the end of a relationship with an utter douche.

We want so desperately to keep hold of them and for things to be like they were at the start when it was all goo-goo eyes and snuggles after sweaty sex. We somehow think that maintaining the sweaty sex will lead to the snuggles. In today’s guide I will tell you how to stop spending time with that fuckhole or being a fuckhole.

1. The easiest and most important step, turn your phone off on Friday and Saturday evenings. - Them lovely, chatty, texts messages that arrive at any time after 9pm on the evenings will only lead to one thing. Sex, that you both like to pretend is meaningless, it’s not. I was once told that sex is never meaningless. I believe this to be wholeheartedly true. Don't get in to the situation where the meaning is different for the both of you.

2. If you are out on a Friday and Saturday evening, turn your phone off - To initiate the chatty messages only gives the impression that you are happy with the other persons meaning of sex. Remember you are the baby monkey here. You are the one hanging on to the relationship. They other person is only looking for a place to get their rocks off. You are an easy target.

3. Get off Facebook - I have said it before and I will say it again FaceyB is a no good place. Your sad and lonely status updates will make you look weak and therefore easy prey. Either delete the moron off of your friend list. Or the preferable option delete your FaceyB account. If you do choose to delete your account don't make a big scene about because I assure you, no one cares. Don't go putting a status about how you are going to delete your account. If you choose to delete the person you are clinging to do not put a status either before or after about having a 'clearout'. Remember baby monkey now is not the time to draw attention to how desperate you are. Keep quiet and be low key.

4. Stay in public at all times - You know that one or both of you will want to talk, you know, about 'us'. These talks must take place in a public arena, Go to the pub or Starbucks or Nandos. That way you avoid crying because of the fear of public ridicule and you are less likely to end up having the sex, especially if you take separate cars. Not environmentally friendly but it does help avoid you getting Chlamydia. Don't be fooled baby monkey, the one you are hanging on to with sleeping with other people. You are the backup plan as these other people are not yet quite as hooked as you are.

5. Just stop fucking doing it - Baby monkey you know the other one is a douche. You know in turn you are being a douche by hanging on and hoping. Just stop it; stop having sex and answering texts. Move on with your life. You don't need to be with someone else, just be. Hang out with your friends, or make new friends. Take up a new hobby, I suggest being my cleaner. No good will come of this situation, you know it in your heart. You friends and maybe family have told you, you should listen to them.

Go forth and be free, I promise you you’ll find serendipity.

Love is.. Conceptually irrational

Try to explain to me what love is, romantic love, without using google or wikipedia tell me how you view love.

Love is a complex creature, emotions that defy rational explanation. Is it real though, there are books, poems, songs and films about it??? But, in the Japanese language until the late nineteenth century there was no word for ‘love’.

To tell someone you love them is a scary moment: what if they don't say it back? What if they do say it back? What if it's too much and they walk away and leave you?

When i last told someone I loved them it scared the crap out of me. The wait for a response seemed to be hours long. I didn't even know what response I wanted. I guess anything but "fuck off".

Sometimes we just need to be more open about our feelings. Telling people when they have hurt us so we don't bottle up feelings of resentment that ultimately ruin friendships. And more importantly telling people we love them or they make us happy or just the sight of a text popping up on your phone makes you feel all funny in the belly.

We should also believe more in fate and destiny. But not confuse the two. It may be fate for you to meet someone and it may be fate for you to fall in love but you may not be destined to be together forever. Just live life how it comes and savour them perfect little moments.

I leave you with this: in French there is a word Retrouvailles which means the happiness of meeting again after a long time.
For those in long distance relationships or who are apart for long periods of time I salute you. This word is for you, it's a poetic way of describing that small bit of relationship bliss.

 Dear readers, I treasure each and every one of you! Xx