Go fuck yourself

A harsh title maybe. But translate it. It means go masturbate. It will give you something to do because it turns out your lives are boring.

Sorry I was being mean there. Of course i love you my devoted readers. Well most of you. But i bet some of you are mean and say nasty things.

I'll give you an example. This text arrived in my inbox:

"my life is on track unlike yors going off the rails anti depressants live in a fucking dive thinking your now some rock persona ppl talk we all see it kirsty"

No lets not talk about the spelling or grammar, words is my job and it would upset me. Let's discuss the content.

Going off the rails - Not quite sure how. I have a full time job at a company I have been at for 8 years (ish) now. I don't own my flat but then who would want to. It is such a burden. But I have a roof over my head. Been here for 6 years. I don't have a lot of money but I have enough for me and the little lady to get by. I don't drink smoke or do drugs. I'm not really sure what these rails that I have gone off are.

Antidepressants - Not sure why this would be used against me in spite. I guess some people just can't accept mental health issues. I have been very unwell and scared when I have been depressed. Getting help has really helped me see the world differently. I have found it very hard to talk to anyone about it. It is so hard to explain that I am trapped in my head and cannot get out. I am not sad, i am not feeling a bit down I have lost the will to exist. Someone said to me today I was the happiest depressed person they know. I have rare moments of happiness, but I am not happy. I love laughing and I love having fun, doing things just because, but happy is not what I feel. Medicine is the best treatment for me right now.

Living in a dive - Dive: Informal, relaxed, "neighborhood" bar or restaurant. Sometimes cool, sometimes shitty.
I will be the first to admit that housework is not for me. I can't remember the last time I cleaned the car inside or out. Sometimes I will get the hoover out and then just get in bed cos I can't face it. yes I am a mess, but really a ghetto bar? It's not a working mens club in here. The floor isn't sticky. Well one time I spilt my redbull and that made a right awful sticky mess. I mopped it up though.

thinking your now some rock persona - no, no I don't. there is nothing rock and roll about me. I go to bed early. I drive a 206. I love tomato soup. I do bloody love shouty rock music but I also know all the words to Sclub7 - Reach. Do I look rock and / or roll maybe? I don't think I do. It's winter time. Hoodies and jeans for me. That's not rock. Unless they are leather studded hoodies. 

 ppl talk we all see it kirsty - Do they? Do they really? Well these are the ones that can go fuck themselves. I am sure they are not friends of mine if they think saying the above kinds of things are nice. They may be people on the outskirts of my life who think they know me. If up until this point they were my friends they now need to know that I do not need their negative influence on my life.

No wonder I'm fucking depressed.

An open letter to the males of Swindon

I went out on Saturday. I go out a lot. I don't go out-out though. However this past Saturday out turned in to out-out. I don't like it. I feel uncomfortable, like I don't fit in. I don't feel I can be myself. And will people ever get over the shock of 'I don't drink'?

I was having a jolly evening until someone decided we leave our reserved table at our pub that we seem to live in and go to a bar.

Upon arriving at this bar it was duely noted that they are playing the same mix cd they were playing when they first opened a good few years ago now. They still have the same miserable, past it, community centre disco dj pretending to mix. They still have the worlds most miserable bar staff and
air con seems to have passed them by.

This is where my letter begins:

Men, men of Swindon, (well I am sure this applies to a lot of places) you mustn't behave how you do. I enjoy people watching. looking how others behave and interact. I watched how a lot of you behaved whilst out drinking and it was really not pretty to watch. I happened to be out with a very pretty, blonde, big boobed lady. You lot were disgusting, staring at her and thinking you could invade her personal space. One of you even thought the chat up line "I was in a lynx advert you know" would work on her. Luckily you were brilliantly put down with the reply "what they guy with the hairy back?"
Try changing your look as well, red chinos and a jumper with a picture of a naked lady on are not the height of fashion. There are more shops out there than Topshop.
The 'lad' behaviour is getting a little old now. Picking each other up and throwing each other round isn't just annoying, I really don't appreciate a foot with poorly chosen footwear in my face.
It's time to be gentlemen.

It's not scathing, it's not men hating. I bet that is what you were expecting. I don't hate men. I'm not one of those crazy feminist. In fact i spend most of my time with my male friends. But if they started acting you like motherfuckers I would totally cut them out. After all I am the glue that holds the group together.

Rumours Of My Demise..

... Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Much concern was raised this weekend that I had fallen off the wagon and become some kind of raging alcoholic who need an intervention.

I went to Reading festival and had 3 pints of cider. I even smoked a few cigarettes.

I can do that you know I am an adult. Don't you guys worry your pretty little heads, I am fine.

I can assure you that you will not see me drunk in a shitty old town bar anytime soon.

Thanks for your concern.

me and the lovely HD

All time low

The black keys

A guide to getting dumped

Ask any one of my friends and they will tell you that I am awful at relationships. I have done my fair share of dumping and been dumped a lot. With this in mind I share with you my definitive guide to getting dumped.

1. Conduct discussions via text. Discussions on the phone or especially face to face seek to clarify situations. This is not useful when being dumped. All conversations should be had by text to cause confusion and make you second guess yourself and the situation. Whilst having these text conversations you should ask wholly unreasonable questions like "would you be so kind as to explain the current situation in frank detail as its confusing". It is out of order for you to expect a response other than: I'm confused, I'm not sure and it's not you it's me.

2. Enter a relationship with a serial dumper. It's a good idea for you to think you can change the dumper. Of course you can. Put all your trust in to this dumper as it will be different for you guys. The serial dumper will promise you the moon on a stick, as that is, after all, what you want. You will then be sorely disappointed when you don't get it. But good on you for being so optimistic to think you wouldn't be dumped.

3. Carry on being yourself. All them reasons that your dumper was attracted to you for, they want you to stop them. Say you like to go out and dance like an utter idiot with your friends and laugh so much you can't breathe, well you should stop that as it now causes the dumper embarrassment. Carry on at your own peril.

4. Be honest. Being honest about what you are thinking and what you are doing in your life will cause the dumper confusion. This is especially good when combined with point 1.
Example: The text 'I miss you' will arrive at the other persons phone as 'I cannot stand being apart from you for one minute of my life. It's harrowing and sorrowful I can barely continue to breathe. Please help me by running away to live on a yacht with me in international waters where I can have all your attention 24/7.'. Your intention was to let the dumper know you are thinking of them as they are important to you but the dumper now believes you are clingy and unable to control your emotions. Dumping achieved!

5. Spend time with your friends. The dumper doesn't like your friends and thinks you spend too much time with them yet refuses to join in and attend social events. This is showing the dumper you are not entirely devoted to them.

6. Don't spend time with your friend. You are too clingy and needy the dumper needs space. Dumping ahoy!

7. Laugh. Relationships are jolly serious thing and should be approached as such. Your insistence on having fun and laughing is not what the dumper wants. They want all serious all the time. Rows should be had and not ignored in favour of saying something amusing. If you are not going to act like a "grown up" (what ever that is) you will get dumped.

8. Have sex. God all you are is about sex. Don't you think of anything else. I don't care if it is the honeymoon period and you constantly want to jump the dumpers bones. You must not. It gives the wrong impressions. Talk about art and philosophy and the weather instead.

9. Don't have sex. You frigid bastard. All you do is go on about art and philosophy and the weather. The dumper really doesn't feel that you are physically attracted to them.

10. Have friends of the opposite sex. How on this earth is it possible for you to have friends of the opposite sex without engaging in coitus all of the time? It's not possible. It can't be possible. Friends of the opposite sex cause jealousy and therefore should be hidden or you will be dumped for being a brazen hussy.

I passed. Huzzah

The last weekend was what I saw as my first big test. As of the Friday I had been straight edge for 120 days. Day 121 had been scaring me.


'twas our first big 'girls weekend' of the year to celebrate Besties 30th birthday. 8 of us took a lovely trip to Wales celebrate the best way we know how, looking all fab and dancing like idiots. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it. I have been around drunk people many times since I have stopped drinking but I have always been able to get in my car and go home. So the nerves set in about being trapped with drunk people.

All the pretty ladies - and me

Looking back now I can honestly say I had nothing to be nervous about. I had such an awesome time. I drank shots and cocktails with the ladies (admittedly shots of squash and fruit juice cocktails) and laughed so hard my face hurt. And not at one time did their drinking bother me, nor did they, being the super friends they are, make any issue of my not drinking.


I know not drinking is alien to a lot of people. I get questioned about it a lot. Like by the waiter in the tapas restaurant we went to having to point out in a loud an obnoxious way that there was no alcohol in my choice of drink. I'm glad we didn't pay their shitty 10% service charge.


Although I had very little time to think this weekend I did get a rare moment whilst sitting on the train home listening to the aptly named We Are The In Crowd. One thing that has been popping in my head recently is some "advice" I was given when I was 18. It seems so relevant to me at the moment.

***you'll make a lot of friends in this life, you'll also lose a lot of friends, don't worry about it***

If we look back a few years or even a few months the dynamics of our friendships will have changed drastically. It's not like we are any more or any less friendly towards people it's more like we just aren't meant to be anymore.


Life will take you to different places and you should let it. Don't pine for them friendships that may get left behind. They are no less important, but they may be less necessary. Don't let that get you angry and bitter and don't make it in to a passive aggressive faceyb status. Just recognise that life goes on and them important bonds are with someone different now.


That is unless you have the same size feet as me and then we have a need to be friends. My shoe budget is vastly diminished. Borrowing is the way forward.


Love, kisses and midget strippers-oh my!

Log - our Welsh friend 

Popular culture is so mainstream

I'm not going to wade in to the debate on what is and what is not popular culture I am just going to talk about the use of the phrase.

Popular culture is just something that a lot of people know or like it is therefore surely, by its very definition, mainstream.

As much as you try to think of yourself as an outsider immune to popular culture I will put money on it that you know the words to Come on Eileen and probably the dance to Oops Upside Your Head.

It doesn't matter if you are generation X, generation Y or maybe even generation Z. If one of those classic community centre disco songs come on you will have to dance. And gen Y I hate to break it to you but we are now dad-dancing like gen X.

What I don't like is when pop-culture and mainstream is used as an insult. Houses are popular and when it comes to sleeping I like being in one. I also don't mind sleeping in hotels and during the summer: tents, yurts and tipis.

The very nature of something being popular does not make it a bad thing. And if you don't like said popular thing, that is ok by me. But don't try and be all holier than thou about it cos it makes you look an idiot.

An iPod is usually the cause of a holier than thou breakdown. Music causes so much controversy. My view is 'let the shuffle be'. You are never going to find another person that loves and hates all the same songs as you. And to accuse someone of jumping on a bandwagon because they like some band that you liked before they were cool is utterly ridiculous. We can't all spend our time reading the NME and lurking on soundcloud.

And so we get to alcohol. It's very popular and it permeates into a lot of different cultures: Friday night after work, the bigoff Saturday night, Sunday afternoon with a roast, weddings, Christmas, christenings, in fact a lot of thing that centre round Jesus. Jesus likes a party, he was like the original vengaboy. He had a vengadonkey not a vengabus.

As you may know I do not drink anymore. I have not drank any alcohol since 29 December 2011 a fact that I am very proud of. I have still been out with friends as much as I did before I quit and I will continue to go out just as much. I love being in the pub and being around my friends. If they want to have a couple or even get hammered so be it. I will be there to drive them home.

The thing is I don't fit into a group when it comes to alcohol. I don't drink for health reasons. I will be better one day and then maybe I can face drinking again. But with this is mind I am not straight edge. I understand their reasoning and am impressed with their life choice but when they make statements such as "I think it's boring that people have to drink to have fun" I want to punch them in the throat.

People don't need to drink to have fun. It's a myth fuelled by our late teens and early 20s. Think of the last fun thing you did:

-videos of cats on YouTube
-watch spurs get beat
-laugh at your mate for saying something ridiculous about Zumba
-etc

I bet you did not have to be drinking a lovely, refreshing, cold, alcoholic beverage to have this fun but it would have been nice if you did.

Just be happy with the things you enjoy in life and let others do the same. You don't own music, art or any of those other things you love or loathe, so don't be so keen to impose your views.

Friday night with music

Its Friday night, I am sure loads of you are out there having a super great time. I am at home switching between Kerrang and MTV Rocks whilst getting annoyed at the channels inbetween and occasionally stopping at Q when they have the odd good track. I will keep you up to date with the playlist.

Foo fighters - the pretender

My first thing I want to tell you all about is the response to my writing. I never in a minute expected this response to it. I started it 7 weeks ago on the advice of a super awesome entrepreneur and friend. At the time of me writing this I have had 786 views. That has really touched me. And the nice things people have been saying about it has had me in tears (the good kind). Being called brave and an inspiration are really not things I would expect to hear. I am so happy I can connect with you guys. And the person that called me 'fuckin amazin' I think the same of you. Thank you for opening up to me.

Led Zepplin - Kashmir

Something I have learnt from the messages I have received and the people I have spoken with is that I am not alone in this crazy, mixed up mental illness we call depression. People have commented to me that they never expected me to be sick in this way. I can see exactly their point when you guys open up to me and tell me you feel the same and you are taking X or Y tablets for it. I never expected my honesty to mean so much to you. I will never tell anyone the things you have told me, they are our secrets.

Lady Gaga - you and I
Muse - plug in baby
I want to also say thanks to Q10. Q10 has been amazing. I have had such a hard week. I can't pinpoint the exact reasoning but I have felt myself slipping backwards. It feels so hard to breathe sometime. I have spent the week in a state of total panic which is not going away. You know that feeling when you have butterflies in your tummy and your heart is pounding. I have been like that almost constantly except them few hours when I sleep.

Rihanna - we found love
Thanks for all the tattoo love. The next one is already planned and will be with us in 4 weeks. A lot of you have asked me for advice. All I can say is: research your artist, travel if you have to and pay good money. A cheap tattoo is a shit tattoo. I have a few of them myself. And if you are going to inflict pain and suffering on yourself in the name of art please invite me. Especially if you are going to Mantra in Cheltenham, I love these boys they are probably the best people you will come across in your life - go give them your money! (this is not an advertisement, maybe go to Wood Street instead)

Motorhead - ace of spades
You me at six - the consequence
Guns and Roses - sweet child of mine
Rizzle kicks - mama do the hump

The above list of tracks make me seem like I am really slow at typing,  I'm not, I was on twitter. Some of you even recieved a text during this interval.

Jessie J - Price tag
Tenacious D - Tribute

Seeing as we are doing thanks I wanna thank the super lady who bought me a ticket to see Ed sheeran, this will be amazing. And I wanna thank you, you know who you are, you are my favourite person right now! Oh and get me, I have been off the drink for over 4 weeks now!!!

Peace out for now dudes. You know where I am, probably at home, if not at SDs house, at the garage buying redbull, work, the liden, or on twitter @kirstytelling

Biffy clyro - the captain

Rainbows, unicorns and depression

Ok I lied about the rainbows and unicorns but that was so you would be drawn in by pretty shiny things. Now you are this far you might as well keep reading.

I got formally diagnosed with depression by a GP near on a year ago. This was a huge relief for me.

Before I was diagnosed I was a drain on my friends and family. They would tell me to cheer up or get over it. But I couldn't. It was so hard to explain why I couldn't just be happy. Of course I laughed and smiled through it all but inside I felt like I could no longer go on.

I take medication for my illness. This is another one of those things I do which is frowned upon. People don't like to think of depression as an illness. But I assure you, I have seen it from the other side and it is. I can't imagine anyone saying "oh you've got a headache, you don't need any painkillers, just get over it" but they do with depression.

Before I took the step to find help i felt trapped. Like being in a hot sauna and there was no door. After a few weeks of medication I felt so much better. Like the pain had numbed. It's still with me and it still keeps me awake at night. I still have days when I hate everyone and everything but I can manage my way through them as I know there is a way out.

Now antidepressants. They are interesting. Imagine every side effect possible from a medicine. And then imagine the exact opposite of them. This would probably be the whole list. Some fun examples are:
Increased libido. Decreased libido
Needing to urinate. Being unable to urinate
Being hot. Being cold.
Feeling a state of calmness. Agitation and nervousness.
Constipation. Diarrhoea.
Sleepiness. Difficulty sleeping.

You get the point.

They also advise you not to drink. I chose on more than one occasion to ignore this advice. And I have spent he next few days regretting my decision. I have been kicked out of pubs, abandoned by friends and completely embarrassed myself.

I am now a non drinker. I am pleased to say this. I feel really good about it. You will still see me out as much as you did before, cos I love pissing about with my mates, but you will not see me drink any alcohol. And no you can't have a lift home. Get a taxi!

Saying this though I do have a lot of vodka and wine in my house that you lot are more than welcome to. But don't touch my sailor jerrys. There may be a night sometime in the future where rum is the answer.