Beyond the sea

Dating isn't the only thing I write about. But it probably the only thing I publish. The rest of the stuff is super boring and not at all funny. Who would wanna read something that doesn't have at least some comedy in it.

Today I am going to tell you a story of Tinder. "Tinder" I hear you cry. Yes Tinder. I haven't given up on internet dating yet even if it usually flushes out every mental human in a 50 mile radius.

So 2 months ago I matched with a chap. Nothing new there. I match with mutes a lot so day 2 I say hi. We chatted for 12 hours. Pretty much none stop. This is a good sign the average Tinder chat lasts 4 minutes and consists of strangers asking each other how they are. 

We spoke every day for 6 days before he gave me his number. This is big news in the world of internet dating. 

So we arranged to meet on day 7. On this fateful day I spent the day afternoon at a friends and she poisoned me. Well she didn't, but she did feed me wheat pasta, i spent a lovely evening feeling sorry for myself in the bathroom. That didn't put him off and he still wanted to meet up. 

But then he came clean, he was due to leave for America at some point and in his words he 'wouldn't class himself as a keeper but was cool with meeting as friends'. 

So after another week of chatting about crisps and gin and adventure time we arranged to meet again. That evening I walked to the pub and crippling social prevented me from going inside. I stood for 10 minutes in the rain in complete panic before going in. 

Finally I went in. He was reading (result not a moron) and hand umbrella corps gloves (why do I remember this?). We had a great 3 hours, well I did, and I didn't want it to end but he had to get the last train home. I headed off feeling pleased that I had faced by fears and gone on an actual date with an actual boy. It is not something I had been able to do in ages due to my horrifically low self esteem. 

The more we talked and the more I saw him the happier I felt so on day 29 I told him i liked him a lot and I didn't even do a Dumb and Dumber impression when I did it so clearly I meant it (damn it I am such a moron why do i open my big gob?).

So day 48 he tells me he is leaving in 7 days. My heart broke. I knew all along he was leaving. but i didn't think it would be so soon. i didn't think I would just have a week left with this awesome man. So I know what you are thinking "48 days is nothing. It is not long enough to actually care about someone". I do hope you are not thinking that actually you mean bastards.

The thing is I don't find many humans that I get close to either romantically or just as friends. I just am not sure how to do it well, friending (that's a word). So when someone I care about moves to the other side of the world it is a horrible feeling. 

Day 56 and he boarded a flight and headed to Orlando to start a new job and, well, a new life. 

That was 3 days ago and I feel sad. That is the only way I can describe how I feel just sad. 

So that is my story about how internet dating can actually work, even if it is only for 56 days. 

I miss him.

Girls like you

Weird things stick in my head when people say them to me.

I went out to a trendy bar in Swindon this past saturday. Lets call it blongs, no that is too obvious lets call it Schlongs.

I haven't been in schlongs in years. It wasn't that bad actually. Not too many trendy cunts in grey sweatshirts with pictures of big boobed girls on the front. Not too busy like that other bar in the same area, lets call it Caker Street.

A strange thing happened in Schlongs and there were others round to bear witness. Someone took it upon themselves to touch my back and then pull down the back of my dress to look at my back piece. Strange. Why do people feel it is ok to touch me? I had to point out I am not pregnant. Pregnant women get touched a lot.

A nice bloke also came over to me. I think he was called Shane. He was asking about my tattoos. I was overly excited that I had work from Shaun Bonanos. He was a bit of a fan boy. He told me about his tattoos and how he was 40% covered.

He came out with a weird comment. He said to me "you're not from Swindon are you?" Well I am, born and bred. Apparently you don't get girls like me round here. He told me he was from Bristol and it was nice to meet a like minded person in these parts.

I don't know why this has stuck with me. But it has been in my head since he said it. There must be people like me out there.

Are you like me? Are you a hopeless romantic? Are you a tattooed lady in the west country? Do you feel a little lost in the world as you haven't found your place?

I have found a lot of like minded people in the world. but I have found them through twitter and they are all over the place. I think I will have to get them all together for a little party.

What do you say guys?

An open letter to the males of Swindon

I went out on Saturday. I go out a lot. I don't go out-out though. However this past Saturday out turned in to out-out. I don't like it. I feel uncomfortable, like I don't fit in. I don't feel I can be myself. And will people ever get over the shock of 'I don't drink'?

I was having a jolly evening until someone decided we leave our reserved table at our pub that we seem to live in and go to a bar.

Upon arriving at this bar it was duely noted that they are playing the same mix cd they were playing when they first opened a good few years ago now. They still have the same miserable, past it, community centre disco dj pretending to mix. They still have the worlds most miserable bar staff and
air con seems to have passed them by.

This is where my letter begins:

Men, men of Swindon, (well I am sure this applies to a lot of places) you mustn't behave how you do. I enjoy people watching. looking how others behave and interact. I watched how a lot of you behaved whilst out drinking and it was really not pretty to watch. I happened to be out with a very pretty, blonde, big boobed lady. You lot were disgusting, staring at her and thinking you could invade her personal space. One of you even thought the chat up line "I was in a lynx advert you know" would work on her. Luckily you were brilliantly put down with the reply "what they guy with the hairy back?"
Try changing your look as well, red chinos and a jumper with a picture of a naked lady on are not the height of fashion. There are more shops out there than Topshop.
The 'lad' behaviour is getting a little old now. Picking each other up and throwing each other round isn't just annoying, I really don't appreciate a foot with poorly chosen footwear in my face.
It's time to be gentlemen.

It's not scathing, it's not men hating. I bet that is what you were expecting. I don't hate men. I'm not one of those crazy feminist. In fact i spend most of my time with my male friends. But if they started acting you like motherfuckers I would totally cut them out. After all I am the glue that holds the group together.

Things not to ask a tattooed person

Visible tattoos will bring you attention. This attention will be good and bad. Being a girl will just add to the attention. People won't understand where you have come from. A girl, with tattoos, on her arms, out in the real world, not on tv, or in a magazine.

Yeah I live in a sheltered town. Or maybe in a sheltered world. Or maybe I just need to get out more.

Below you'll find a list of things that under no circumstances you should ask a tattooed person. We have heard them before and we are bored of thinking witty come backs.

Can I see your tattoos? - No. Well yeah you can if they are on show otherwise no. I have no desire to take my clothes off and show my flesh to you. Firstly that would be hugely inappropriate in a public place. Secondly I probably don't even like you.
Do you have any I can't see? Can I see them? - Yes, yes I do have tattoos that you can't see but as above no you can't see them.
Are they real? - No they are not. I have so much time on my hands I choose to draw the same designs on me each morning with sharpies. I like to put that much effort in to practical jokes.
How much did they cost? -  How much do you spend when you go out every weekend? I bet you don't wanna tell me that. Bet it's a regretful amount though. Yes, I spend a lot of money on being tattooed and I will again in the future spend lots more money. the amount though is really nothing to do with you.
Why have you got so many? - I like them. They are pretty. They are my art. along with the art on my wall. But that is also a collection in process. And hey I would like to return fire with the question why haven't you got as many as me or even why do you not have any? You won't know you don't like it till you try it.
You're not going to get any more are you? - Yes, yes I am. This is such an intrusive question. What the hell has it got to do with you? The number and size of my tattoos should be of no significance to you. Unless you are a dickhead bar manager or bouncer who wants to refuse me entry to your idiot bar.
What do they mean? - Absolutely shit all. They are just really cool pictures. This is not miami, LA, New York or London ink., these are not the stories of the harrowing time I dropped a pound down a drain and really wanted a can of coke that I could no longer afford. Nor are they about my flat mates, aunties dog which died trying to rescue a dolphin from a well back in 'nam - Cheltenham.
Do you regret them? - No I don't but tell me this, do you regret your failed relationships or that time you died your hair black and looked so pale people though you were a ghost.
What happens when you get married? - Hopefully I will live happily ever after. It's as simple as that. Oh hang on do you mean ladies with tattoos don't wear wedding dresses. I am sure they do. I bet all that white looks better with a bit of colour next to it.
What will you look like when you are old? - Awesome and colourful. And who says I am going to get old anyway. There could at any point be a meteor hitting the earth causing a mass extinction event.

Thanks for your time. Peace, love and puppy dogs.

How to be a good mum

I am a mum. I have been doing ok at it for 8 and a half years now. The kid is still alive for starters. I don't really like to go on about her a lot cos no one really wants to hear about people's kids. Unless someone brings her up in conversation I tend not to broach the subject. I will tell you this though: she is above average in reading and considered 'gifted & talented' at both writing and maths.
So that's my little bit of showing off. It's not by chance she is at these levels. I always tell her the importance of education to help you get ahead in life.

I had the kid fairly young in life. By no means young by Swindon standards but too young nevertheless. Such just before my 21st birthday the most beautiful kid in the world came out the sunroof. I have basically been winging it ever since. I had and still have no idea how to be a mum. I will probably never figure it out. The only advice I can give people is in the first few years sleep when you can.

There has come along recently a breed of super mums intent on telling the world how to be parents and how awesome their kids are. They have seemed to miss the point that we are all built to procreate. We will probably all have kid eventually. They are not the first ones to try this fun new craze. They want to ram their "biggest achievement" down our throat.
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Tiny lady jesko

Anyone who says their biggest achievement in life is having a kid have really set their sights low. I know some people who can barely look after a goldfish and therefore shouldn't be trusted with another human life who have kids all over the place. I don't see kids as an achievement. Raising and awesome kid that is the next Einstein maybe but just having a kid is not. Do you see my point? There is a difference!

The super mums probably think I am doing things wrong. I am a mum but that is not the only thing I am. I am lucky enough that the kids dad is very good with the time he has her so that I can lead my own life. This is not to say I don't miss the little lady when I she is at her dads, I do. I miss the harsh and abrasive wake up calls that can only have been learned from me. I am not a morning person.

The list of kids that actually interest me is very short. That's not to say I am going to be mean to your kids, unless they are mean to me, then I will put the little shits in a headlock.

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Even baby gooners don't interest me

The thing is, new born babies are boring, just milk, sleep and inevitably crying. Older babies are funny for about 3 minutes till they inevitably cry. Toddlers just get in your stuff. they touch everything and are so very accident prone that they inevitably cry.

Then they get to school age, when they start getting a bit materialistic. They want stuff they can't have and inevitably cry.

So what have we learned? Kids cry basically.

Super mums I have a request of you please stop filling my life with your advice and idle chatter. And as lovely as your kids may be no one wants to see endless pictures and status updates about them.

And all mums, never give up on your heels. Get some than match the pushchair after the baby is born cos well you are l'oreal.