Beyond the sea

Dating isn't the only thing I write about. But it probably the only thing I publish. The rest of the stuff is super boring and not at all funny. Who would wanna read something that doesn't have at least some comedy in it.

Today I am going to tell you a story of Tinder. "Tinder" I hear you cry. Yes Tinder. I haven't given up on internet dating yet even if it usually flushes out every mental human in a 50 mile radius.

So 2 months ago I matched with a chap. Nothing new there. I match with mutes a lot so day 2 I say hi. We chatted for 12 hours. Pretty much none stop. This is a good sign the average Tinder chat lasts 4 minutes and consists of strangers asking each other how they are. 

We spoke every day for 6 days before he gave me his number. This is big news in the world of internet dating. 

So we arranged to meet on day 7. On this fateful day I spent the day afternoon at a friends and she poisoned me. Well she didn't, but she did feed me wheat pasta, i spent a lovely evening feeling sorry for myself in the bathroom. That didn't put him off and he still wanted to meet up. 

But then he came clean, he was due to leave for America at some point and in his words he 'wouldn't class himself as a keeper but was cool with meeting as friends'. 

So after another week of chatting about crisps and gin and adventure time we arranged to meet again. That evening I walked to the pub and crippling social prevented me from going inside. I stood for 10 minutes in the rain in complete panic before going in. 

Finally I went in. He was reading (result not a moron) and hand umbrella corps gloves (why do I remember this?). We had a great 3 hours, well I did, and I didn't want it to end but he had to get the last train home. I headed off feeling pleased that I had faced by fears and gone on an actual date with an actual boy. It is not something I had been able to do in ages due to my horrifically low self esteem. 

The more we talked and the more I saw him the happier I felt so on day 29 I told him i liked him a lot and I didn't even do a Dumb and Dumber impression when I did it so clearly I meant it (damn it I am such a moron why do i open my big gob?).

So day 48 he tells me he is leaving in 7 days. My heart broke. I knew all along he was leaving. but i didn't think it would be so soon. i didn't think I would just have a week left with this awesome man. So I know what you are thinking "48 days is nothing. It is not long enough to actually care about someone". I do hope you are not thinking that actually you mean bastards.

The thing is I don't find many humans that I get close to either romantically or just as friends. I just am not sure how to do it well, friending (that's a word). So when someone I care about moves to the other side of the world it is a horrible feeling. 

Day 56 and he boarded a flight and headed to Orlando to start a new job and, well, a new life. 

That was 3 days ago and I feel sad. That is the only way I can describe how I feel just sad. 

So that is my story about how internet dating can actually work, even if it is only for 56 days. 

I miss him.

Everyone is shit

Well not everyone. If you are reading this there is a 50/50 chance you are shit.

A lot of people are turning out to be shit at the moment. Or people I have known to be shit for some time now are proving their shitness by just being more shit.

Below are some examples of shitness. If you recognise these traits in yourself it may well turn out that you are shit.

Talking shit: Now there are 2 categories of talking shit so pay attention.

1 – Lies – Stop telling lies. No one wants to hear your lies. Telling lies is shit. You have 2 ways of getting out of this. Either become brutally honest regardless of feelings or become honest but censor yourself with the age old saying “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”.

2 – Saying not nice things – Saying not nice things is, well, not nice. Even worse saying these not nice things about your friend increases your shitness exponentially. If you have to say not nice things about your friends you should realise you are in fact, not a good friend and you should do one. To make this simple, friends do and say nice things.

Not turning up – Not turning up makes you shit. Being late I can tolerate as long as the lateness is within 30 minutes of the designated rendezvous time. Anything later than 30 minutes would require you to have a note signed by your mum to explain your social faux-pas. Not turning up at all without a prior warning of non-attendance is shit. Leaving a person hanging with potential attendance is also shit. Make a decision and inform those involved. Stop being shit.

Waking me up – Don’t wake me up, it’s shit of you. Especially don’t wake me up because of alcohol induced rage, tears or horniness. I am tired. I don’t sleep much. And whatever it is that you feel you must tell me about at 3am can probably wait. Exceptions to this rules are as follows: Dead celebrities, snow, we are on weekends away, you are my kid. Other exceptions such as nuclear war and it’s a hot sunny day will be judged on a case by case basis.

Style thief – The style thief is shit. Massively shit. Style is personal and must never be mimicked. Admittedly we are all fashion victims and will pander to the catwalks and high streets. But that is just following the trends. It is what comes after that matters. Don’t tell someone you like their, outfit, shoes etc. and then go and buy the exact same thing. Don’t notice a friends hairstyle or colour and the very next day go and have it done for yourself. And the most important one for me, never, ever, ever, ever get the same tattoo as someone. Copying may be the sincerest form of flattery but it is also a bit creepy and most definitely shit.

Mood swings – Now here I am not talking just general shifts in demeanour. I am talking about those massively unexplainable shifts in attitude that befuddle and piss people off. The best example of this kind of shitness is the one that concerns not getting what you want in the relationship stakes.

I love you

I miss you

I need you

Please give me a chance

Well fuck you then you prick

I still have them naked pics of you and I will post them on the internet.

This is shit. It makes life hard work. Stop being irritating and shit. If you do not get the response you want just move on. No need for this shit aggression.

Being a fucking cheapskate – We are all skint. Which is, in itself, shit. However we all pay our own way. And many of us are happy to help out those that may be skinter than most. However the shitness that we cannot tolerate is the shitness of being unwilling to put your hand in your pocket. If it’s a meal, split it. If it’s your round, buy it. And if you have to pay just that little bit extra because you are slightly better off, don’t be shit, just fucking do it.

Not indicating – This one goes out to all the Costco customers out there, can I get a whoop-whoop. Actually no, don’t bother, I don’t want it. What the fuck is wrong with you cunts? Why the fuck can’t you just stop being shit and indicate. This includes corners and roundabouts.  

I am sure there are other forms of shitness. I shall probably re-visit this in the future, I will see you there.