Win a tattoo

Win tickets and a tattoo at The Great British Tattoo Show.

Enter now for your chance to win a FREE TATTOO at The Great British Tattoo Show by your choice of working artist.

There are also 10 runner-up prizes of weekend tickets to be won too! So, what are you waiting for people? You have to be in it, to win it!

The winners will be announced on 3rd May 2013

Just click here. It's not spam but it is Facebook.

Real women?

I'm making a stand, not just for the slimmer girl, but I am hoping to make a stand for all the shapes of ladies and possibly men too.

I don't know where I was recently. I forgot like I forget most things however what I do remember is some woman ranting on about 'real women'.

• What I learned is: 
• Real women have curves
• Real women have boobs
• men like a bit of something to grab on to
• Real women are size 12
• Some other bull shit.

These real women sound fascinating. Lets face it, all women have some kind of hang up on their bodies and it turns out men do too but don't really go on about it as much. The size or shape of a body does not make a woman more or less fictional. You don't have to make excuses for being a larger lady than me. This real woman thing does not interest me in the slightest. If I were to listen to all this bullshit I would be unreal but, not like, in a gnarly way:

• I don't have curves
• I don't have boobs
• why are they hanging on? is this cliffhanger (classically shite film)
• I'm not size 12
• blah blah blah

I guess we all have views of our ideal when it comes to women but the word  real does not really fit in. How about ladies, we all stop talking shit out how one another looks and maybe do as the great philosopher HD says and get naked.

Some suicide lovelies

If you were to ask me what my ideal was, how I would want to look, it would be tattooed and comfortable in who I am.

I am tattooed, yes, but am I comfortable, no. I am more so these days. I spent a lot of my life being hung up on the fact that I am flat chested and I hate my legs. I bloody hate them. But they are mine. My bodily hang ups haven't really ever stopped me doing anything in life, nor should they.

It has been a long time since I have looked at another woman and thought "I want to look like her" cos, well, I look like me and what is the point wishing for things I really can't have. I would prefer to spend my time dreaming of the things I already have that make me happy. i guess I do spend a lot of time trawling beautiful images of tattoos wanting them, but they are attainable, so that's OK.

I am not trying to preach to you ladies, I know my words are not going to change your thinking. I know you are going to be holding them few inches on you belly and feeling unhappy with it. Or doing the lady down bounce to get your jeans on cos you really are still size 8. I think my point is, stop wanting the bodies of other women and stop thinking not nice thoughts of that lady that walked past, you can't be her.

Keep it foolish. Check out the website, yeah? It’s well fuckin’ futile.

False eyelashes and augmentation

I'm not skinny. Never call me skinny. Skinny infuriates me beyond belief. Don't tell me I need to eat more. Don't tell me the kid is skinny.
We are slim. It's our build.

You would never go up to an overweight lady and say "oi fatty put down the cake" so don't tell me I need to 'get some burgers down me'

My weight hangs around between 7-&-a-half and 8-&-a-half stone. Which is perfectly healthy for someone of my height. This is size 6-10 for those of you interested. I have never been on a diet and I accept that my weight will always change.

I have the same hang ups of all of the girls you or I know. My boobs are too small, my ass is too big, etc. But, this is what I have and I have to deal with it. I used to want a boob-job so very much. I had consultations with nurses and surgeons when I was younger. Now I am older, but probably not wiser, I wouldn't do it. The expense and the pain to fix something that essentially is not a problem. My boobs work. They make milk when needed, which is after giving birth.

The media portrays the 'real woman' to be what ever is in vogue at the moment and it is for the most unattainable. From the beautiful hour glass to the slim and athletic the media will pick its shape of the moment and tell us all we need to look like this. It will also tell us that if we are not this correct shape we can dress a certain way to fake this look. No part of the body has not been scrutinised.

False eyelashes are the thing of the moment. The idea of gluing hair to my face and even more specifically my eyes gives me the heebeejeebees. There are inventions such as false lash effect mascara. Why would we want to look false? Mascara is one of my favourite things. I will not leave the house without it (yea the media got me too) but to design specifically to make you look false baffles me.

Now I know I seem a bit hypocritical with the false as my hair is the colour of a hookers beaudoir. But that is the only thing that is not real about me.

So this is how I am:
Sometimes I can't be bothered to wax my legs
My thighs have cellulite
I have the boobs of a 12 year old
I have wrinkles
And my hair is frizzy
But I have had loads of fun getting this way. And I am still a real woman, I'll just probably not make it as a model. Darn