up sticks

I am at a strange cross roads in my life. I have just kinda ended up here through a series of odd events

I am single, nearly 30, coping really well with my depression (better than I have been for a long time) and thinking it is time to move on, (location wise that is)

It come to me from a strange text sent to me by mother. But why am I here? Why do I feel trapped by my location. I shouldn't. There is no reason I shouldn't move to where ever the hell I want to go to.

So my next question is where do I go to?

Well New York was my first idea, but it gets super cold there in winter and I don't wanna be could. I then thought Reading, to be closer to work, but why, if I am going to make this change, would I not change jobs also.

Along the coast? New Quay, Brighton, Bournemouth maybe.

London? North London to be exact.

I am undecided but it is time to do the things I wanted to do all this time. the shit excuses about Abi and friends and all that stopping me from getting out of Swindon really don't cut it anymore.

A lot of research needs to be done and jobs need to be applied for. I don't think I am going to pick a destination, I am going to pick many and then go to the one that looks the most fun.

Seb Rock part 4

So I am still running the Seb Rock campaign. I'm not giving in. Until he removes the name plate or I win the lottery and leave.

I give to you part 4.

Ooooh artistic

I am not an artist. I don't claim to be an artist. I do however draw ridiculous pictures. If you want one let me know cos I will draw you one

#BookHavoc

Darn those tiny arms

This is Rikochet he is my imaginary miniature pinscher

.

this is also ricochet  hoping that havoc is booked

My next 13 tattoo

This

Its because I lied when I was 17

I do miss hugs

Emo as a mother hubbard

I cry a lot lately

Kitten cat

A sunday afternoon

This is how the Dunnes stand

Kitten socks

this is Deano Peppers in real life

Abigail as Ariel

Mexican wrestler dude ready to kick your ass

No hope, no harm

I fell in love again. That was my mistake. To think that I could pull it off. I can't. I am no good at relationships. I think I am destined to have loads of cats and a house that smells of wee.

For the last week I have been waking up feeling sad and hopeless. I've been trying to ignore it. The weather has been lush. I've spent time with my boys whom I love. I got a tattoo (you know, standard behaviour). These are the things that make me happy. Not even the fun of the rubicon mango advert has been able to lift me out of my funk.

At the back of my head has been a feeling of 'you fucked it up again dougal'. That feeling of dread of losing grip and having no control over it.

Once again I ended up in tears at my desk. I cried my heart out. I don't know if it was rightly or wrongly but I cried. Now I know it was rightly. That I'm a failure in all matters of the heart. I just wish I had been told. Not just had to assume the worst and beg for the truth.

It was fate for me to meet him and fall in love I know that. Cos now I know there are others out there. And I kinda always knew it was fate for me to end up crying on my own cos it didn't work out.

The funny thing is that yes, I have been feeling awful these past few days. And today I did feel like I couldn't breathe but I am such a pro at getting dumped now that I know I am gonna be fine soon enough. I will get the city and colour and the smiths phase out of my system sooner rather than later.

I have recruited a new wingman this morning. I do hope he is good at it. He owes me due to the effort I put into his twitter campaign. Just waiting for the big-gay-night-out. I'll report back on how he gets on as my helper.

Would say I love you all but it would lead to bad things. Peace out soul sisters (and brothers)

Seb Rock part 3

Seb Rock is so important (apparently) he has a nameplate in his desk.
I have taken to tampering with it.

This is my latest effort. I shall keep putting new ones up every time he takes it down so get your ideas in.

Panic attacks

No reason other than I liked it

Panic attacks can be a very scary experience. I wouldn't recommend them to a friend
They irritate the shit out of me and there is nothing I can do to make them stop. I have tried believe me.

It's an irrational state of fear, despair and dread that often ends up in tears.


There is no route cause I can find to why they happen. I will be happy as Larry (Larry is notoriusly happy) on mean and the next I am freaking out like  Quagmire(C-3PO): "Just tell me right now that I don't have to stay in this room."

The often come at inconvienient moments. I will end up at my desk in tears or be at home on my own and only really want to talk to one person in the world but not feel confident enough that they would want to speak to me so not ring them.
They are very hard to describe it feels as if you are going to die. Your haert is pounding so much and it becomes hard to breathe. 
I have learnt more and more to just relax and breathe but you can get stuck in a loop where you worry about the attack which causes anxiety and therefore exasperating or casusing an attack.

Panic attacks are different to anxiety and are thought to occur more often in people with above average intelligence (so get you if you suffer maybe you can join mensa)
Anxiety is that butterflies in the stomach feeling, feeling like you want to run away, its worry basically. And who wants to worry? no one, cos it is rubbish.

Think I need an Alice tattoo

The most common (because its easiest) thing to do is to avoid the thing that is causing the anxiety. This is easy enough but it is not going to solve the problem in the long term. You need to face up to the things that worry you and find a way of dealing with them. And if they are out of your hands, so be it, let them go. Easier said than done I can assure you. I wish I could let things go. I wish I could just not worry and panic and cry.

I give myself all sorts of useful advice. I then take it upon myself to ignore my very good ideas. My most recent good idea to ignore was to fall in love. It's never a good idea to be in love when you are insecure with yourself. I feel like I am not good enough. Like I don't deserve it. And believing compliments is tough. Why would anyone love me why would they say nice things about me. I sound all a bit doom and gloom and woe is me but its not the case. I am feeling happy in my life recently. But there is always the fear "you're gonna walk away too" retrouvailles.

I have managed to follow one bit of my own advice. I am on day 146 of being straight edge. Still not having problems with it.

I am having problems with the fact that summer has just started though. Summer brings moths. I hate moths. They are the ghosts of butterflies here to haunt me and my lamp. I also hate butterflies, flappy devils.
If you have any advice for me let me know, leave a comment or send me a tweet @DougalMcT

 

Seb Rock part 2

Seb Rock is so important (apparently) he has a nameplate in his desk.
I have taken to tampering with it.

This is my latest effort. I shall keep putting new ones up every time he takes it down so get your ideas in.