I don't need feminism

Nothing makes me sadder than when I hear a girl or woman say "I don't need feminism".

• Two women a week are murdered by a partner or ex-partner in the UK
• In India schoolgirls are beaten for resisting boys' sexual advances
• I know of schools in the UK that police the length of girls skirt because a short skirt is inappropriate or distracts boys
• Women worldwide ages 15-44 are more likely to die or be maimed because of male violence than because of cancer, malaria, war and traffic accidents combined

I am willing to bet €7 if you hate femisimn or feminists your probably don't understand what it is.

Every man, woman and child needs feminism because feminism is not about hating men it is about advocating, personal, financial, social and political equality.

This is just a quick note and I am nnot going to rant but just a final thought.. Did you know Google searches for "International Men's Day" spike on "International Women's Day". And I don't think it is from people who genuinely want to be involved in International men's day. It's from people shouting what about international men's day.

Well just so you know. International Men's day has been on 19 November since 1992.

In 2018 the theme is Positive Male Role Models.

Watching films

This is not exactly gonna be about Star Wars but it is. But bear with me I promise I won't be geeky.

I struggle with films. They are so darn hard to watch. They go on forever and I have no idea what is going to happen. 

Films are hard for me with both ADHD and anxiety. It can be a stressful experince. Take Rogue One for Example. I had no idea what was going to happen and it was an emotional journey (and don't try and pretend it wasn't). I had to wait in the cinema at the end just to get my brain back together.

I love Star Wars. I ruddy love it. And no I don't need your quiz on some obscure fact that feel makes you a better fan than me. and I don't want to debate which is your favourite of your views on the prequels or the Star Wars Stories. Let's just allow people to enjoy things shall we.

I love Star Wars because I know it, pretty much off by heart. I know the characters I know the plot, I know the foibles and directors cuts. 

I can have Star Wars on and not have to worry. And that is a rare place to be. Call it a safe place, call me a snowflake, I don't care, because Star Wars makes me happy and I am not about to give it up any time soon.

Let's have a quick catch up

God I hate that office talk bullshit. Let's have a quick catch up I'll ping you an email. Ping, fucking ping!

I've not been here for a while. I have not really been anywhere. I do not have any stories of my heart being ripped out and stamped on to regale you with.

There have probably been a lot of amusing anecdotes and many a foible. Just nothing to write about. And let's be honest you all one here for the comedy break-ups you're not here for happiness and light are you?

I am still single, surprise hey. I am pretty sure I was meant to be single but just to fall in love with every chap that smiled in my direction, even if he is looking at the girl behind me.

When I started out here i think I was called 28 year old single mum. I am 35 now. So what does that say about my inadequacies with relationships? Nothing, that's what. It's not me it's them. Well maybe it is me. But only a little bit me.

I hope I fall in love this year, with someone who loves me back, and not just with the boy I stare whsitfully at sometimes, planning all the fun things we should do whilst knowing full well he has a girlfriend. God he's pretty.

Anyway, I hope I make the time to write cos I do miss it.

I miss you my friend

It’s been 5 months and I haven’t spoken to him. We used to speak every day. Not about anything. But about everything. I haven’t thought about him. Just put it to the back of my mind and moved on.

I don’t even understand how we got to the point we did. How it was so much fun and then so horribly nasty.

I thought about him this evening. Wondered what he was doing whilst I’m out here fucking up still. He would be the one I would tell it all too. He would laugh at me. Call me a trusting dickhead. And make me feel better.

It’s been quiet since he’s gone. He’s not reading this. I’m not sure if anyone reads this anymore. But just in case “I miss you my friend”

Getting all giddy

Well, it's November tomorrow. So that's nearly another year gone. Another year of believing the shit boys say to me which ultimately ends up being bullshit. Another year of failed relationship attempts and generally resigning myself to being a crazy cat lady, but with dogs.

Let me give you an example. Get comfortable because this may take a while.

For 4 maybe 5 years I have been on and and off waiting for Senpai to notice me. Sometimes he does but then he forgets and moves on with 'Becky with the good hair'. Towards the end of last year and during the beginning of this year we were spending time together and it was awesome. In them times I am happy. It's fun. I mean I love kicking back with this dude. 

But then he did some shit thing. It's 1am I am in his bed he tells me I have to go home because he has to get up early in the morning. Now I know it is because his mates are coming over and he doesn't want them to know I am there. 

So I distance myself from him. I was hurt and figured it was time to give up. I had a good old fashioned talk with myself about the perils of dating and of having feelings. I deleted all the apps: Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, and decided to just spend the rest of the year being cool with my eternal singleness. 

He keeps messaging me. He seems sincere and kind and genuine. So i go and see him. When I am there he uses these exact words, and this is verbatim "I've missed you" followed by "I want to spend more time with you". 

Ahhhhh I am elated after all this time Achievement Unlocked Senpai Noticed Me.

But then he went away. And I missed him terribly. And then he came back and it wasn't the same. My excitement for what might have been has become a real crushing sadness partly because I miss that person who made me happy by saying those things, and partly because I had the chance to prevent this inevitable outcome and the hopeless romantic in me went "naaaahhhhh it'll be fine"

So here I am. Sad about this same person again for the 100th time. Checking my phone for the 00th time to see if he has text me (He hasn't) and planning Christmas, New Year and my birthday as a single loser for the 300th time.

I would like to ask. I have replayed this situation over in my head 400 times (kept the number theme up) and I challenge any of you to be naked in bed with the person you want to be in a relationship with and not to get all giddy when they say they miss you.

You suck!

Wow I am a miserable fuck.

I have looked through all this stuff and I only seem to write about the stuff that makes me sad. Maybe there is inspiration in melancholy. 

This week I have been most suicidal. Actually no suicidal is wrong. I don't want to kill myself I just don't wanna exist. If I fell asleep and didn't wake up I would be cool with that. I don't know why I have felt like this. I do know I have been feeling this way for a while and it all came to a head last weekend. 

Depression is a really hard thing to explain because (to me) it is not sadness of nothingness. It is utter despair, inconsolable tears, hopelessness.

I think in this moment I put to much importance (or prominence) on a friendship in my life that (again in my view) has been very one way. I thought that even a hello would help but I heard nothing. Now admittedly I did not reach out and ask for help, but i couldn't. And when I did there was not reason for the radio silence it was just that I am not a priority. 

Shit that sucked. The dawning realisation that the support you really needed in that moment was there. 

There were a lot of people there though. Strangers on the Internet, friends around the corner and in other cities. And I can't thank them enough for the time they took and the words they shared.

Back to the story. I reacted, in my true fashion probably in haste and probably a bit too much gusto. We call it the gung-ho approach to human emotions. I know what I meant to say but it came out at 12.30am, after just 3 hours sleep the night before, as, and I paraphrase here, as "fuck you, you suck".

Ahh balls. Well that friendship is fucked.

You may ask why I tell you guys these things. Fuck knows. To make you laugh maybe. I hope my foibles amuse you. 

This time I want you to take something away with you. It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past week experienced a common mental health problem. If you are that one, take care, go to the doctor if you need to. Talk to a trusted friend or confidant. Take your meds. Be safe. If that is not you, take a look around, does a friend or family member seem as though they need a little more support? Have they come to you for help? If so, take a little more time out of your day just to listen, talk, or even sit in silence and stare at QVC. 

And honestly, sincerely asking "how are you?" can make a huge difference to people in a moment of need.

If your that friend. I'm sorry for what I said but I thought I meant more to you.

I'm just not looking for anything serious

Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.


That's not what I am writing about but that is what I wanted to start with.


Right. Let's get down to business. I have a job. "What?" I hear you cry, "you manage to successfully hold down a highflying career, whilst having a jet set lifestyle and being the worlds best parent?"


No. I have a job. But I am fucking good at it. And I like it. And they pay me money. And as the saying goes, money can be exchanged for goods and services. When I am in work I am not the same person as the complete social write off you would meet in real life. I am confident in my role. And I really won't tolerate bullshit that makes my life harder for no good reason. And chit chat. Fuck chit chat. Do you work. Do it well. Go home.


When you are home you can then deal with the horrible feeling of imposter syndrome. That feeling that you don't deserve your job and at any minute you'll be pulled in to HR and sacked. Is that just me?


Now in real life. Something I can't deal well with is eye contact. I don't know why? I'm a fucking grown up. I am 34 and I can't look at people. I'll do anything to avoid it.


Now depending on where you meet me your judgment of me is going to be different. More than likely you'll think I am a complete moron but your reasoning will be different.


It's strange how people judge me. I know I am hard to get. People tell me. And I know that on first impression people just don't like me but given time they'll change their mind and drunkenly tell me in a toilet.


To get to the point. Something has hurt me really quite badly recently and ended in a drunken rampage with many battle scars and a massive kebab. I was judged in a way that I still can't quite understand.


A man seemingly judged my distinct lack of long term relationships to mean that I would automatically want to marry the first person that would show me the tiniest bit of interest. Whilst making the statement he also hinted towards me being the kind of person that would drive 40 miles to just have sex with someone.


Like please, if I wanted a fuccboi I would find a local one on tinder.


I'm not the crazy marry me person and I am not the wanton floozy. I'm just cool to meet people I like and I think I share some kind of common ground with and just hang out. Do fun stuff and see what happens. I'm not thinking about 10 years from now. Sometimes I'm not even thinking about 10 minutes from now because I've seen something shiny.


So my advice to you all. Before you get all judgy mcjudgerson and start breaking out the "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now" talk how about you take the time to ask the other person their intentions. Or don't even have the conversation at all and just be happy in the moment. There really is nothing wrong with that.

Have you heard of Grace Neutral?

In a world increasing overrun with beauty bloggers telling you to spend at least an hour doing your make up there is a voice challenging traditional views of beauty standards around the world. That Voice is Grace Neutral and she is awesome.

Grace is a hand poke tattoo artist. she is presenter of Needles and Pins on Viceland where she travels the globe exploring tattoos and body modification. You may recognise Grace from her many interviews in the likes of The Independent and Marie Claire.

But you may ask, why are you bleating on about Grace Neutral, why are you not talking about being dumped again or being bloody miserable?

Well, Grace is a Brand Ambassador for House of Junk, a UK street wear brand born out of Bristol.



House of Junk like to do things differently. Check out their Facebook page you'll see they are different from the thousand of other "lifestyle brands" trying to sell you a t-shirt from their parents spare room whilst working in a bank.

House of Junk don't just make some pretty awesome clothes. They have created a 2017 festival handbook so  you will know where to go, who to watch and what to wear.

They also work with Swindon based Breathe Pole and Fitness and I am a sucker for anything where women in business are supporting each other. And the Breathe Pole and Fitness ladies are freaking awesome. The House of Junk X Breathe Pole and Fitness Mantra Range is coming this summer.





Some in summary, women are awesome. Women in business are awesome and women who support women are probably the bestest.

You shouldn't swear on Linked In...

... well why the fuck not?

Actually swearing isn't my point, but it got your attention.

I have to question what Linked In has become.

Recently I saw an article about feminism trending in Professional Women. It was a well written article called "Is gender your agenda?". The comments though that was a whole world of pain. It was like delving deep in to the YouTube comments section. And if you have ever been there you will know it is not pretty.

One woman had called feminists "baby killers" and a rather interesting chap had called feminists a "hate group" and "a cancer on society".

Now you may have entirely different views on feminism than me. I will proudly say I am a feminist. I will also point out that does not make me a man hater. Feminism to me (and by it's true definition) is the advocacy of equality of the sexes, the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.

But again that is not my point.

So what is my point? Well it is simply this. How can a so called professional network have fallen so far from grace that we see comments like this on a daily basis?

I will give another example. I saw an for Oreos today advert being discussed on here. The advert contained an image of a woman breastfeeding. The comments in this discussion were saying the advert was offensive and shouldn't be on Linked In.

Let me repeat that, people were commenting that a picture of a woman breastfeeding was offensive.

The same page had posted an advert by WWF showing a naked man swinging through some trees, the ad is about deforestation. Not a single complaint of it being offensive.

I think it is time for me to bow out of using Linked In as a professional network for personal use.
What are your views on the sort of content, and more importantly the comments you are seeing on Linked In recently?

Weighty issues

A boy called me fat. I say boy and not person because I have never been called fat by a girl. Well not to my face. So yeah a boy tried to insult me and hurt my feelings by calling me fat. I mean what other reason would he have to do it. My weight is no where near an unhealthy level where I would need an intervention. 

I don't know how much I weigh. I've never known how much I have weighed. I don't need to obsess over another numbers. And my dress size makes no sense. In one shop I am 8-10 in other shops I am 14-16. Mostly though I wear size 10. I think the average dress size for a uk woman is size 16. 

So am I fat? Well I am certainly bigger than I have been. That's no secret. It's quite apparent to me when I see the big pile of clothes I have amassed for charity because seriously I am never going to get in them size 6 jeans again. 

I know I don't like my body. I know I have never liked my body. And I also know that my body, like that of every woman I know has been used in an insult. 

All my life my height has been mocked. I am 5'2" and not being able to reach the top shelf in asda has always been a thing of ridicule. 

As a teenager I was incessantly mocked for being flat chested. That has always been a go to joke for people since puberty. I used to cry about it. All I ever wanted from the age of 15 until probably 24 was a boob job until I one day had the realisation that they work. They create milk. They have fulfilled their primary function. Their size is irrelevant. 

I have a big ass. Buying jeans is a nightmare. Stretch materials are my friend. I have been insulted and made fun of for years about it. Even now. 

I used to be size 6. I was called skinny and a rake. I was told to eat more and put meat on my bones. Now I am told I am fat. But always by men. 

I ignore it. I have enough battles with my own internal monologue telling me "don't wear that it's for skinny people who don't have rippled thighs or stretch marks". 

You can insult my weight, my body, my hair all you want because I probably say much worse to myself. And anyway you probably have a tiny penis so you feel you need to project your insecurities. 

Nah just kidding but if you feel you have to insult someone on their physical appearance you will forever be known as a raspberry fuck nut. 

Everything is coming up Milhouse.

That's the funny thing about life. Well my life. As soon as I start getting my shit together, making plans and just generally feeling happy and optimistic life comes along takes a little look and goes "what the fuck? This isn't for you, here, have some bullshit".

Everything was coming up Milhouse and not I'm clinging on for dear life to even maintain a scrap of that, and failing.

I put too much faith in people. And that is not to say the people I put faith in are assholes. Usually they are, but not always. I have faith that they won't leave. That things will work out this time. That they will stick around cos maybe I am worth it. 

Call it abandonment issues if you like but I have a high percentage rate of partners, friends, family just upsticks and leaving. 

Maybe it is me. I mean I am the common denominator here. Maybe I am an actual bitch. Maybe I laugh at my own jokes too much. Maybe it is all too much to be involved in the life of a single mother. Maybe my mental health seems a burden to others.  Maybe in life I wasn't meant to have anything lasting.

Whatever the reason, it hurts time and again to see people leave but still I keep hoping for the best. 

I think I have strayed in to relationship territory in my writing again and I don't want to bore you with that because yet again it was a non-starter that I invested too much in to and humiliated myself in the process.

I will say this though. I have the most awesome friends. I don't have many (who does?) but the few I do have are worth their weight in gold. It took a drunken evening with just one of them to realise I needed to go home home, clean my house, sleep off the hangover and then just let go of the false hope I was feeling.

I'm still sad, the sad doesn't go away, but I am not in that rut that I usually end up in.

Here's to gin and gay bars. 

Beyond the sea

Dating isn't the only thing I write about. But it probably the only thing I publish. The rest of the stuff is super boring and not at all funny. Who would wanna read something that doesn't have at least some comedy in it.

Today I am going to tell you a story of Tinder. "Tinder" I hear you cry. Yes Tinder. I haven't given up on internet dating yet even if it usually flushes out every mental human in a 50 mile radius.

So 2 months ago I matched with a chap. Nothing new there. I match with mutes a lot so day 2 I say hi. We chatted for 12 hours. Pretty much none stop. This is a good sign the average Tinder chat lasts 4 minutes and consists of strangers asking each other how they are. 

We spoke every day for 6 days before he gave me his number. This is big news in the world of internet dating. 

So we arranged to meet on day 7. On this fateful day I spent the day afternoon at a friends and she poisoned me. Well she didn't, but she did feed me wheat pasta, i spent a lovely evening feeling sorry for myself in the bathroom. That didn't put him off and he still wanted to meet up. 

But then he came clean, he was due to leave for America at some point and in his words he 'wouldn't class himself as a keeper but was cool with meeting as friends'. 

So after another week of chatting about crisps and gin and adventure time we arranged to meet again. That evening I walked to the pub and crippling social prevented me from going inside. I stood for 10 minutes in the rain in complete panic before going in. 

Finally I went in. He was reading (result not a moron) and hand umbrella corps gloves (why do I remember this?). We had a great 3 hours, well I did, and I didn't want it to end but he had to get the last train home. I headed off feeling pleased that I had faced by fears and gone on an actual date with an actual boy. It is not something I had been able to do in ages due to my horrifically low self esteem. 

The more we talked and the more I saw him the happier I felt so on day 29 I told him i liked him a lot and I didn't even do a Dumb and Dumber impression when I did it so clearly I meant it (damn it I am such a moron why do i open my big gob?).

So day 48 he tells me he is leaving in 7 days. My heart broke. I knew all along he was leaving. but i didn't think it would be so soon. i didn't think I would just have a week left with this awesome man. So I know what you are thinking "48 days is nothing. It is not long enough to actually care about someone". I do hope you are not thinking that actually you mean bastards.

The thing is I don't find many humans that I get close to either romantically or just as friends. I just am not sure how to do it well, friending (that's a word). So when someone I care about moves to the other side of the world it is a horrible feeling. 

Day 56 and he boarded a flight and headed to Orlando to start a new job and, well, a new life. 

That was 3 days ago and I feel sad. That is the only way I can describe how I feel just sad. 

So that is my story about how internet dating can actually work, even if it is only for 56 days. 

I miss him.

Timehop may just be bad for your soul

I don't time shop, nor do I "on this day". 

The idea of looking back at where I was and what I was doing 7 years ago, or even last year, fills me with dread. 

I used to Timehop, to look at photos and think "look how skinny I was", "look at how my hair was then", "look at me and that friend I never even talk to any more".

I found the whole process was making me miserable. Too many what ifs and negative thoughts about how my life is now would enter my mind. 

I was looking back in the wrong way. I should have been thinking "wow I no longer do that awful; dead-end job", "thank god I didn't end up with him" or "jeez how financially insecure was I?"

I guess sometimes it is nice too look back and reminisce on the fun and laughs but why would you want to potentially face some sad memories daily?

If you are going to Timehop then do so with caution, and use it to think "things got better" not "I wish I was that skinny". But be careful you don't get trapped in the infinite Timehop loop as that post from 7 years ago that you shared on Facebook will show up again next year as 8 years ago and 1 year ago. You could end up breaking the whole space-time continuum and that could be as dangerous as crossing the streams. 

Wonky Tripod need less than £100 to meet their target

In April 2015 the Wonky Tripod - a group of three Swindon lads - began for Macmillan Cancer Support. The trio gave themselves a target of £6000 to raise before they embarked on a five-day trek in the Gunung Leuser National Park, Sumatra in May 2016.

After a successful dinner-dance this past weekend at Blunsdon House Hotel, featuring the band Good Times, raising £3021.50, Wonky Tripod are pleased to announce they are at 98% of their fundraising target.

After the dinner dance the team said “We'd like to say an incredibly humongous THANK YOU to all who attended the fundraiser on Saturday night. It was a roaring success, the food was delicious, the band Good Times were awesome and kept everyone dancing right up until the lights came on.”

With just £96.10 to go the boys are hoping for a final push to meet their target before they head-off to Sumatra.  You can find out more on their Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/thewonkytripod

The Wonky Tripod are Matty Barnes, Callum Stroud and Dan Guinness

They are raising money for Macmillan Cancer Support registered charity number 261017

The Wonky Tripod JustGiving page is https://www.justgiving.com/wonkytripod/

The Wonky Tripod Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/thewonkytripod

Dream big, be happy.

I have these two mirrors in my bathroom. On the bottom of them in glittery don't says "Dream big" and "be happy".

I've lost track of my dreams. I stopped writing. I stopped sharing my words which is the only thing I want to do.

So I'm going to write again. And I know someone out there is reading it. After all there have been over 46k page views. So hopefully I am being at least a little bit entertaining. 

I guess to some people writing a blog isn't really dreaming big. But it's big enough for me. For the moment at least. 

Now to work on being happy. Which is not an easy task. Not least because I am an absolute dick to myself. I've shut myself off from the world for long enough now. I've let depression get the better of me, again. 

First step doctors. Now I really don't give a fuck if people view medication as the wrong way treat mental illness. For me it's right. And for all those who are anti-meds. Try not taking paracetamol next time you have a headache and let me know how you get on. 

I'm not quite sure what the second step is but I'll work on that. I'd be interested if anyone wants to share their thoughts on what it could be. 

Fundraising for Macmillan with Wonky Tripod

The Wonky Tripod are Matty Barnes, Callum Stroud and Dan Guinness 

They are hoping to raise £9000 for Macmillan Cancer Support by embarking on a five-day trek in the Gunung Leuser National Park, Sumatra in Spring 2016. But that’s not all they have planned the group are taking part in some fun (and some not so fun) events along the way.

Fundraising started in April with Matty agreed to cut off his “man-bun” if they hit their first milestone of £1000 by then end of May. They reached the target and Matty’s hair came off.

On a nicer note, the group held a private screening of the classic kids film Toy Story at Cineworld and a quiz night at The Kingsdown Inn raising over £400.

During July the team took part in Rough Runner in Petersfield, Hampshire. The 10 mile course had obstacles from TV Shows such as Ninja Warrior and Gladiators. All three managed to complete the course in under four hours.

In the stickiest challenge yet Matty again put himself up for some humiliation but spending a chilly July day sat in a tank of juice outside the Core in Old Town, Swindon rasing of £100 towards the fundraising goal in the process.

With over £7000 still to raise the boys have plenty more planned including a Swindon wide scavenger hunt. 

You can find out more on their Facebook page 

And sponsor then on their JustGiving page

The list

The list... Or shall we call it the moment I lost that last ounce of self esteem I had. 

I have never had the financial woes that I do now.

I don't have job security. 

It's an almost weekly occurrence to get binned off by friends for their boyfriends (or girlfriends). 

Dating is an endless stream of fuckboys.

All this is normal. I can live with it. Sometimes it can be really hard to smile but I do. Because if I didn't laugh at the endless stream of calamities that is my life I would be a dribbling mess of woes. 

The thing I can't do though is be confident. I have no confidence in any part of myself at the moment. And it's because of this list. 

It's a boys list. Isn't it always about a boy? 

His list of all those he had sexual encounters with. We all have lists of course. But this one was written down. Is writing it down a thing? Written down and saved on his phone.

I'm perfectly ok with being on this list. I had feelings for this boy. I wanted to maybe try and have more than just a place on a list with this boy. But as always it wasn't meant to be.

The thing that got me though. The thing that made my heart do that flip when something really upsets you. The thing that makes me stare at the ground in public more than ever. My name on this list is "wanna be suicide girl".

That is the thing another human chose to define me on. That small part of my life.

There is so much more to me, I know that. But now I feel it is of no relevance. I really feel that this one thing has made me feel empty.

Before this revelation I used to be able to talk to anyone. To smile at people if I caught their eye. To send the first message on whatever stupid dating app I am currently using. 

Now I can't. It's always in the back of my head "why would they be interested in me, I am really not pretty or funny or interesting enough to talk to them"

I had changed my medication recently to help prevent the sudden onset of a physical manifestation of my mental health issues. I always look for the triggers and I know this is what caused it. 

I feel I am darkling. 

Dating at 32

I've had some friends in relationships say they love their dating life through me. I'm probably the worst example to choose. 

I'm my foray in the dating world I have found just two types of men. 

1. The man who likes you

2. The man that doesn't like you but would still have sex with you, especially if said man has had a couple of beers

Now, this is not a feminist attack on men. This is just my interpretation.  

Both types have quite distinctive flaws.

I have heard it said that men fall in love after 3 dates and women after 14. I think there is an air of truth about this. The man that likes you wants to tell you and they want to tell you as quick as humanly possible. They want to be in your life, know your life and fill your time. 

That's cool, if that's what you want. But if it's so soon after meeting you feel smothered.  Sometimes I want to sit in my Star Wars pyjamas and watch 17 episodes of Community whilst eating peanuts and not have a ton of guilt about not texting back immediately.

The man that doesn't like you will exhibit the exact same behaviours on a date as the man that does like you. He may even display the same pattern of communication. However, if you have sex with this man any time from date 1-3 you will not hear from him again. If you don't have sex with him you won't hear from him again after date 3.

 At least not in the short term. 

This man may reappear though. That surprise message just saying 'hey' out of nowhere. You have been warned. 

Sometimes, just sometimes, you meet someone you laugh with, have amazing sex with and will contact you again.

You meet someone, that likes you. Someone that doesn't want to invade your space. That doesn't feel the have to save you. That lets you be yourself even if you do make up awful power ballads about the broken heating in your car.

That is rare though. 

I wouldn't live vicariously through me unless you really enjoy hoping. 

Male sense of entitlement

Three months ago I received this message:

I also enjoy the inked form and the eyes and smile hiding the mind within <grin>

Now why is it that some minds always seem to associate meekness with surrender, and meekness as a human trait is rather enjoyable, as are quite a few human fascinations by way of personal observations, including compliancy <chuckle>

I see what your seeking dougalmct, but then I would also have to ask how much time you have available for this path you would step upon willingly and knowingly ...

And by return in this adult consensual realm, I could allow that I may be easily persuaded dougal mct, but my efforts and expertise do not come cheaply dear girl, so when would you have the time and efforts to discuss the terms of your particular unique surrender and whether or not it is deemed acceptable <grin>

I have to say the girl has a bold air about her, an enjoyable train of thought awaiting release and a ready sense o' humour looking at the laughter lines ...
And compliancy is such an enjoyable human fascination I really should allow you the opportunity to present yourself openly and honesty for further discussions and see what's hiding behind those eyes and smile ...

Tips tri-corner with a smile, instruction eh, that I can give you in spades little girl dougal mct so approach and be seen young woman ...

I did not respond for obvious reasons. 

One day ago I received this further message. 

But the girl lacks effort or energy and cannot respond in a mannered fashion, which shows the girl is severely lacking in her instruction and understanding.

Why do men in so many walks of life believe they are entitled to a reply regardless of what they say? 

Calamities

I have always said my life is just me stumbling from one calamity to the next.

Right now I am so despondent. I can't believe how much my self esteem has suffered in just a week. I haven't been sleeping properly which is making me so tired during the day. I can't bring myself to do my hair or make up. I don't see the point.

Tomorrow the kid is 11. I have been working full time since she was 1. That was never easy. I missed out on so much. But I was always lucky that my sister helped me so much with childcare. 

I always wanted to work. I wanted to provide all the awesome things and experiences in life for the kid. It's never really worked out perfectly. There has always been a broken car or a gas bill to pay. 

Now though I feel further away from any of the things I wanted for me and her. 

It's been a horrible week. It's only going to get worse. 

It is the times like these when I wish I wasn't alone. But my mind keeps pissing me off 

"hey, hey Dougal, why would anyone be interested in your life, you don't have a job" 

"Oi Dougal, don't bother texting that boy, he has loads of women in his life, he doesn't need you"

"Yeah right, like you can do that job"

God I sound fucking miserable, well I am. 

I say it every year, I hate christmas! Well this year I think I mean it more than ever.