That is not me

Sometimes I am not sure whether I should write some things, but this has been playing on my mind.

So here goes. 

This story with an innocent text message asking me a simple question "why do you have two Facebook profiles?" Well I don't. I instantly freaked. Long term readers will be aware of the lovely letter I got sent to my work or the twitter profile set up in my daughters name.

I got sent two pictures. As you can see yes there are two profiles of me on Facebook. Well I only have one so who is this other person

Now, most people these days use Facebook on their mobile or tablet. They tend to forget that you can set a URL for your facebook. That little bit right after facebook.com, so https://www.facebook.com/JohnSmith for example.

The kind fellow who sent me these pics was only two helpful in going on to a PC and emailing me the link to this page, as it seemed I had blocked me. Imagine my surprise when I received that link.

https://www.facebook.com/danny.kissane.16

Go on click on it before it gets taken down.

If it has already been taken down here is a little pic.I have added some helpful arrow to show you the errors Danny Kissane seems to have made.

If you look the cover photo was changed on the 11th of September 2103, so who knows how long this account has been active.

So who is Danny Kissane you may ask. Well that is a very good question, well he is a nothing to me. He was the boyfriend of the kid's Godmother many moons ago. He is at best a mediocre DJ that works in The Hippodrome Casino in Leicester Square. He has no baring or consequence on my life.

I dug a little deeper in to this. Why would he go to the trouble of doing this. Well it turns out he had been talking to men, as me. Chatting up / hitting on / flirting with men. Whatever you want to call it, it without a doubt makes the story weirder, he has a girlfriend and as far as I know he is not gay. I don't know how many men but I want to truly apologise to the girlfriends of them men that may have got hurt during this. I suppose I should apologise to the men, you have been well and truly catfished. 

catfish

A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

So are all these things linked. The letter, the twitter account the facebook. Well I can't prove they are. But if there are we have one sick individual on our hands. If they are not it is still a disturbing concept. 

So what next. Well the police have all these details. I have reported the page as fake. If you are friends with said page please remove it. 

Please take this tale of caution and beware that things on the internet are not all the seem. Keep in mind that there are some nasty, vindictive people out there.

Before I met you

Before I met him I existed.  I had friends (and enemies). Long lost loves and those that were not so far away. Oh and that depression thing that sometimes bothers my brain.

Over the last few months with him it has been a constant battle. My life and philosophies didn't fit. My down days were cause for annoyance. Some of my friends were not quite right. I lost one of these friends briefly, because I thought I could make things right with him.

I met him by accident, after a social experiment with a dating site. He made me laugh and we had so much in common. We played silly games over text and sent each other stupid pictures of our days. All that happy stuff that should happen. After the first date I drove home with a smile on my face. I didn't think I would hear from him. I was awkward and said all manner of ridiculous things. But he text me. I was elated.

I knew I wanted to see him again. We spent the weekend together and laughed a lot. It was what I had been looking for. Someone to share my life with in a way I had not done in such a long time.

As always with me it wasn't meant to be. I should have known that after the first blip. These issues were not ones that were likely to go away. But I was besotted. Maybe it was the idea of having a relationship, but more likely it was that I genuinely liked him.

I've said it once and I will say it again, I am terrible with intimacy. One-on-one talks about things that "matter" are not for me. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from them. I don't think shy is the right word to explain it, but I find it extremely uncomfortable, like a knickers that you bought when you were a size smaller but still insist on wearing. He wanted to talk so many things over, things that I didn't even see as issues. It made me want to pull away from him. Talk even less. not try and initiate them funny chats we used to have for fear of it becoming another drawn out discussion about feelings.

I don't think he is a bad person. In fact he is the perfect guy. Just not the perfect guy for me. I am sure out there is the girl he is looking for. I am not prepared to change to be that girl. You might think I am stubborn. I probably am. But I spent a lot of time in my life not being happy just to try and make the one I loved happy. At the grand-old-age of 31 I am not going to do that again.

It wasn't my past that caused the woes in this relatively short term relationship. It was the present. Social media was a constant cause of friction. Twitter, instagram, facebook. I wasn't doing it "right". I didn't change the type of interactions I was having on line and he didn't like them. Suddenly he was in my life so I should somehow behave differently both in real life and online.

Let's talk about my depression. It's under control. My medication has decreased and I no longer feel the need for sleeping tablets. I still struggle with sleeping but not to the extent I used to. I am by no means cured, but I am healthier. He struggled with it. I don't hold it against him. I have moments in my life when I just want to lay down, contemplate the world, cry for no reason. I cannot predict when these moments will happen, how long they will last or what triggers them. I do however have a support network in place. I am not in the right place to ask anyone else for help or let anyone else in to these dark places. I don't mind if you want to get in blanket fort and hide with me. You can bring a book to amuse yourself. What I don't need is the expectation that I want to, or have to, share what is in my mind. Most of the times I don't even have the words to describe it.

All I want from a relationship is fun an laughter. It doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful. That is not to say that it isn't deep and meaningful. There is no better feeling than laughing and smiling so much that it hurts your face. That's what I have with my friends. That is what I want with my partner.

I will leave you my dear readers, with a bit of advice. One night I was drunk in a classy establishment, I forget now whether it was Reading or Swindon. It's not relevant. I drunkenly told my friend that I loved her. Like you do in that drunk way, "I love you man, you're my best friend". Well we didn't have a drunken, teary, girly hug. No. She shouted at me "don't say it if you don't mean it".

She was right. She always is. Don 't say it if you don't mean it. But I would like to add, if you mean it, say it, say it with all your heart and soul, but be prepared to back it up.

Lost

I've felt lost before. But this is a whole new way. 

I don't feel the inspiration to write or draw, to be creative. I don't have the muse I need to use the beautiful words that make me smile. 

I lie here awake till the early hours wondering what's next. Sometimes Dollydog digs up the pillow next to me and does that dog circle thing they do before they lay down to sleep. That amuses me for a while. 

On a clear night I'll leave the blinds open and watch the stars pass by but that doesn't help. It's taken my a week to get this many sentences written. 

When I started this blog under the name 28 year old single mum, I didnt think it would be read. It was just meant as an outlet for the things I tried to say but couldn't. A coping mechanism for my depression. 2 and a half years later and 34 thousand page views i couldn't be more pleased with the results. 

I've had so much support from people I know and strangers who have stumbled across my rambling. Not only on the serious stuff like depression but on the fun self help guides and my travels in the world of tattooing. 

I want to thank you all for the kind things you have said. You may not know it but they have made a difference. 

And now to my point. I've come to realise I need to write more on here. Because it helps. I am sincerely unhappy right now. Struggling with the introvert who wants to hide away and the extrovert that wants to shout from the rooftops. 

I'm hiding away. My friends will vouch for that. I'm in my room with my books, art and candles. I don't want to come out. Getting out of bed seems more and more futile to me. This phone in my hand is the only real way I am having contact with the outside world. 

I'm fighting back the tears almost constantly and I don't know why.

One thing I do know is I have the bestest friends in the world. I want them to thank them from the bottom of my heart and soul for caring, checking in and having silly pointless conversations that make me laugh so much. 

Look how old my hands look. 

Never ever in your life mention my daughter again

Being attacked by strange and senseless people on the Internet is not a new thing to me.

I was once threatened by with gang rape by some moron on twitter. I reported this as the user was threatening teenage girls with the same. Twitter did nothing about it. They have a strange view of how people should behave towards others. Free speech and the right to threaten are two different things.

Today someone took to twitter to try and "tell tales" on me. That's fine, the came unstuck when they just tweeted it at me. They tried to use this blog against me, silly person saying I was slating the place I work. So this person reads my blog. It is also clear that this person knows me but chooses to hide behind the Internet rather than talk to me about the issues they clearly have with me.

What angered me so much today was that this cunt of a fucknut chose to use my daughters name to send these tweets. My 9 year old daughter. When I first saw this tweet I was shaking with anger. The content had no effect (thanks teach), say what you want about me. I was mildly peeved this person chose to tweet at my place of work. I was utterly disgusted and appalled that some person who has been in my life, either now or in the past would choose to involve my daughter.

This is the most deplorable behaviour I have ever encountered and I have see people act like utter pricks. Dear readers, friends, you who did this, a line was crossed. I was with the kids dad when this happened. He is not best pleased either. Now I am not going to take the childish root here. I have screen grabs off the tweets send. I have screen grabs of the user name (@mymumisaslag). I have the links to the tweets. The account has now been deleted. But before it was deleted it was reported to the police and twitter.

You must use an email address to set up a twitter account so I am sure soon enough I will find out who did this. It has been added to the previous police report I made as I can only assume that this is the same person. I am not going to threaten violence or be drawn in to an argument. I will do whatever I can to protect my daughter and I will, if I can, press charges.

My last word on the matter: You are a sick twisted individual. They speed at which you chose to delete your account makes me think you realised you made a huge mistake.

Come at me all you want. Never ever in your life mention my daughter again.

Get off my land

There is this feeling I have, it’s not fear. But a feeling, about relationships.

 I know entirely that I do not want a relationship (now) with someone that lives in this fair town. I can’t stand the thought of someone just turning up at my door, or demanding my time at short notice. Of course I am all for whimsy. Whimming is how I get through life which explains my ever changing hair colour, which is often done on a whim.

Still, I am so accustomed to my own space that I think I need a whole towns worth of space. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I want to be all on my own for the rest of my life. I don’t. Just right now I think long distance is for me. Or even medium distance. I don’t have a secret life that I would want to hide from any future significant other. In fact, I am all up for sharing all the skeletons in my closet.

I want to escape this wee-wee soaked heck hole on the weekends. Go on adventures around the country. Yes, I know I can do that with a chap from here. I don’t want to tar all the chaps with the same brush but in general in this town they have big fish syndrome. They think they are big fish, they can go out on a Saturday night and know someone in every pub they go in. But let us not forget this is a small town.

All this thinking and talking with some Sg ladies made me think of Blue Eyes. Not thought of him in a long time. That was long distance. That made me so happy. But looking back now I should have known it would end badly. Everyone said so, I was just too besotted to listen. The things I know now make it so obvious he was sleeping with the woman he left me for when we were still together. That still hurts bit I am no longer bitter about it. I hope he is happy out there doing whatever he does. Our paths will never cross again. And that is for the best.

 

It seems strange looking back on relationships now. how I behaved in them and towards the people around me. How I have learnt. There is still that one that plagues the back of my mind at night with what ifs. But the sensible me knows there was that one thing that would have ended it all eventually. It's not good that it ended when it did, I was a broken woman. and the way it ended was horrific. But it's done and them 6 months of happiness I wouldn't change for the world.

 

So here is to the future. I do hope it starts this weekend.

 

XX

Advice please

So I have been in my new job a week and a half. Don't get me wrong, I like it, but it doesn't pay a lot. 

I can hear you all now, money doesn't buy you happiness Dougal. Well, yeah it does. Name someone that is happy being skint and I like buying things and going places. 

It's a bit weird being trapped in Swindon. I hate the morning traffic. Not that I have been that trapped. I did escape to Reading and Bristol last weekend.  

The more and more I think about it the more I am drawn to London. Everything I want it there. Lifestyle, career, education, art, culture. But then there is friends, family, the kids school and family.

Here at the west end of the m4 corridor I lead a happy existence, well you know apart from the looming presence of depression.  

I am in a quandary. I want to go. I want to start a new life. But I want to stay here and go annoy Emily at weekends. play I dare you to eat that with Hollie. Wake up on Sams sofa. Drink gin with Nathan and Dougie. 

I'm going to think on it more but I really would appreciate your views lovely readers.  

What rhymes with hug me?

I've put together a short list of things that rhyme with hug me for those of you that were stuck on this one.

Bug Bee - That bug is a bee
Chug Gee - There is Dolly the chug, gee.
Doug Be - Doug be all over the place today, he's crazy.
Drug Free - The correct way if we are talking illegal substances
Dug Oui - Can I get that dug? Oui
Jug Key - The key, for the jug.
Lug Pee - Something no one wants to do.
Mug Pea - The Pea, for the mug.
Plug Lee (in) - To charge him up.
Pug Plea - A plea from all the pugs out there, with their cute little faces.
Rug See - It's a rug, see.
Shrug Spree - What you can't get enough of shrugging.
Slug He - That slug is a male
Smug Sea - No one likes when the sea is smug, with it's waves and it's lapping on the shore.
Snug Ski - This ski fits lovely
Thug She - A female thug
Tug Tee - When your tee is stuck in the grass, tug it.

oh and I want to add this one. Puffy!!

Puffy rhymes with hug me!

As does ritzy.