The list

The list... Or shall we call it the moment I lost that last ounce of self esteem I had. 

I have never had the financial woes that I do now.

I don't have job security. 

It's an almost weekly occurrence to get binned off by friends for their boyfriends (or girlfriends). 

Dating is an endless stream of fuckboys.

All this is normal. I can live with it. Sometimes it can be really hard to smile but I do. Because if I didn't laugh at the endless stream of calamities that is my life I would be a dribbling mess of woes. 

The thing I can't do though is be confident. I have no confidence in any part of myself at the moment. And it's because of this list. 

It's a boys list. Isn't it always about a boy? 

His list of all those he had sexual encounters with. We all have lists of course. But this one was written down. Is writing it down a thing? Written down and saved on his phone.

I'm perfectly ok with being on this list. I had feelings for this boy. I wanted to maybe try and have more than just a place on a list with this boy. But as always it wasn't meant to be.

The thing that got me though. The thing that made my heart do that flip when something really upsets you. The thing that makes me stare at the ground in public more than ever. My name on this list is "wanna be suicide girl".

That is the thing another human chose to define me on. That small part of my life.

There is so much more to me, I know that. But now I feel it is of no relevance. I really feel that this one thing has made me feel empty.

Before this revelation I used to be able to talk to anyone. To smile at people if I caught their eye. To send the first message on whatever stupid dating app I am currently using. 

Now I can't. It's always in the back of my head "why would they be interested in me, I am really not pretty or funny or interesting enough to talk to them"

I had changed my medication recently to help prevent the sudden onset of a physical manifestation of my mental health issues. I always look for the triggers and I know this is what caused it. 

I feel I am darkling. 

Dating at 32

I've had some friends in relationships say they love their dating life through me. I'm probably the worst example to choose. 

I'm my foray in the dating world I have found just two types of men. 

1. The man who likes you

2. The man that doesn't like you but would still have sex with you, especially if said man has had a couple of beers

Now, this is not a feminist attack on men. This is just my interpretation.  

Both types have quite distinctive flaws.

I have heard it said that men fall in love after 3 dates and women after 14. I think there is an air of truth about this. The man that likes you wants to tell you and they want to tell you as quick as humanly possible. They want to be in your life, know your life and fill your time. 

That's cool, if that's what you want. But if it's so soon after meeting you feel smothered.  Sometimes I want to sit in my Star Wars pyjamas and watch 17 episodes of Community whilst eating peanuts and not have a ton of guilt about not texting back immediately.

The man that doesn't like you will exhibit the exact same behaviours on a date as the man that does like you. He may even display the same pattern of communication. However, if you have sex with this man any time from date 1-3 you will not hear from him again. If you don't have sex with him you won't hear from him again after date 3.

 At least not in the short term. 

This man may reappear though. That surprise message just saying 'hey' out of nowhere. You have been warned. 

Sometimes, just sometimes, you meet someone you laugh with, have amazing sex with and will contact you again.

You meet someone, that likes you. Someone that doesn't want to invade your space. That doesn't feel the have to save you. That lets you be yourself even if you do make up awful power ballads about the broken heating in your car.

That is rare though. 

I wouldn't live vicariously through me unless you really enjoy hoping. 

Male sense of entitlement

Three months ago I received this message:

I also enjoy the inked form and the eyes and smile hiding the mind within <grin>

Now why is it that some minds always seem to associate meekness with surrender, and meekness as a human trait is rather enjoyable, as are quite a few human fascinations by way of personal observations, including compliancy <chuckle>

I see what your seeking dougalmct, but then I would also have to ask how much time you have available for this path you would step upon willingly and knowingly ...

And by return in this adult consensual realm, I could allow that I may be easily persuaded dougal mct, but my efforts and expertise do not come cheaply dear girl, so when would you have the time and efforts to discuss the terms of your particular unique surrender and whether or not it is deemed acceptable <grin>

I have to say the girl has a bold air about her, an enjoyable train of thought awaiting release and a ready sense o' humour looking at the laughter lines ...
And compliancy is such an enjoyable human fascination I really should allow you the opportunity to present yourself openly and honesty for further discussions and see what's hiding behind those eyes and smile ...

Tips tri-corner with a smile, instruction eh, that I can give you in spades little girl dougal mct so approach and be seen young woman ...

I did not respond for obvious reasons. 

One day ago I received this further message. 

But the girl lacks effort or energy and cannot respond in a mannered fashion, which shows the girl is severely lacking in her instruction and understanding.

Why do men in so many walks of life believe they are entitled to a reply regardless of what they say? 

Calamities

I have always said my life is just me stumbling from one calamity to the next.

Right now I am so despondent. I can't believe how much my self esteem has suffered in just a week. I haven't been sleeping properly which is making me so tired during the day. I can't bring myself to do my hair or make up. I don't see the point.

Tomorrow the kid is 11. I have been working full time since she was 1. That was never easy. I missed out on so much. But I was always lucky that my sister helped me so much with childcare. 

I always wanted to work. I wanted to provide all the awesome things and experiences in life for the kid. It's never really worked out perfectly. There has always been a broken car or a gas bill to pay. 

Now though I feel further away from any of the things I wanted for me and her. 

It's been a horrible week. It's only going to get worse. 

It is the times like these when I wish I wasn't alone. But my mind keeps pissing me off 

"hey, hey Dougal, why would anyone be interested in your life, you don't have a job" 

"Oi Dougal, don't bother texting that boy, he has loads of women in his life, he doesn't need you"

"Yeah right, like you can do that job"

God I sound fucking miserable, well I am. 

I say it every year, I hate christmas! Well this year I think I mean it more than ever. 

Confusing people

I don't know if it's just me but I don't understand people. 

They confuse me with complex behaviour that I can't get my head around. 

I always have and always will wear my heart on my sleeve. "This is me and this is how I feel". 

It's so much easier to just say the thing on your music mind or answer the question directed at you than skirt round an issue. But maybe I am going about things wrong. 

I'm socially awkward. I don't get the conventions. I just want to laugh and be happy.

Laughing is the bestest. 

Dear person I like

Now what angle do I take with this? Is it the person I like, the person who is my friend. Or the person I like, you know, like like.

Based on my usual writings it should really be the latter.

"Dear person I like,

I am not sure if you know the little smiles you bring to my day. The pictures and texts I get just add a little happiness to what can be an otherwise monotonous day.

When thinking of the little time we spent together its the laughter that is most apparent. Or is that me just laughing at my own jokes like I usually do?

I am not saying I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am not saying you're the one. I just want to spend more time with you and to know you better.

You remain remote and casual enough but every now and then I get the feeling there may be something more. It's a cycle I know only too well, and as usual I hope it works out and becomes something more."

After the crappy interactions I have had with chaps of late I am happy to just sit back and watch this unfold, or maybe not unfold. 

I have really laid my soul bare on this one. There isn't really anything to bear. 

I think I will revisit this. Consider this a post of no interest.

Dear person I hate

The purpose of this blog is becoming less clear with time. It started as an outlet for the ickyness of depression. It has become since then a random mess of all my thoughts. I don't suppose that is a bad thing but maybe I should have more direction in my writings. Or maybe not. Maybe you lot like hearing about my ever failing love life. 

Well on the love life front there is nothing to report since happy place. I do miss him desperately sometimes. I will not try to win him back, I do not want him back. But I miss that person I laughed with all those months. Still, life goes on and I have chosen to ignore all the negativity that I feel gets unfairly filtered in my direction. 

I don't tend to do those internet challenges you see pop up. 100 days of happy. Monthly photo challenge. Etc. This one interested me though. The 15 day letter challenge. I'm not going to do them all, some would be wrong to be published on the internet. I do have some boundaries you know. But I will have a go at some.

So the first is Dear person I hate.

I don't hate anyone. It's too much effort to hate anyone. There are a lot of people who I dislike. But my feelings for them are so inconsequential that time spent thinking about them is time wasted. Time I could be spending right now reading World War Z and then getting overly paranoid about Ebola. 

So maybe this first one should not be Dear person I hate, maybe it should be dear person that I no longer need. From friends whose lifes took a different turn and drifted away, to the people that hurt you that you no longer need. For reasons that probably neither of us remember we don't talk any more. We don't spend all that time together anymore. But I don't see it as a bad thing. It is a shame that things can't be like the used to. That is what happens though. People change, ideals change, lives change. 

One thing you can't escape are those memories that catch you off guard. Those little things in life that remind you of happy times and sad times also remind you of the people that made you happy and for whatever reason are no longer in it. 

The song that you all sang before every night out in the far away city.

The smell of the aftershave he uses drifting across from a stranger on a adjacent pub table. 

The silly sayings you made up on that holiday in the sun. 

All these things can make you nostalgic. But your life is not in that place anymore.

Enough with the looking back now. I don't think I need to look forward either though. I just need to be right here. Doing the things I want to do right now. Being happy with all I have and the people that turn up in my life and make me laugh till I cry but never want to make me cry. 

This isn't the way I thought this post would turn out. But I guess this isn't the way I thought my day, week, month or year would turn out.