Careful with your words

The sad death of Robin Williams had led to a public outpouring of grief. It is a deeply upsetting thing for anyone to take their own life. But lucky for us the internet is there to hold our hands with the meme.

I noticed the one below earlier this week.

Now I want to state, what I am about to say is based on my own experiences, opinions and life.

The one thing I take most from the death of Robin Williams is the increased awareness of depression, anxiety, addiction and Parkinson's disease. 

For us or anyone to say someone is happy or unhappy is us projecting an emotional state on to someone. Happy, sad, angry, sorrow are emotions. Emotional dispositions are character traits. Depression is an illness, a medical term.

Depression is not feeling sad, it is not being a bit miserable. It can and does change your life. It makes everything harder to do from getting up in the morning to doing simple tasks such as paying bills or doing the vacuuming. It makes life seems less worthwhile and can make you want to give up the will to live. And it can make you suicidal. 

Depressed people don't want to be depressed. Well not the ones I know anyway. They want to be happy. On the whole they can be happy but still live with depression. 

I don't want to bleat on and on as I no longer want mental illness to define me or the relationships I have. Just a word of caution, be careful with the language to use. Monday mornings aren't depressing, the are just moments in space-time that occur and then pass. Your good friend isn't avoiding your phone calls because they are miserable, they are genuinely struggling with an illness.

RIP Robin Williams - Your memory will live on in all the happiness you brought Generation X and Y.

Accept, change, leave

How do you do?

When I last wrote I said no more sad. And for the most part I have been achieving that. I have had moments when I have sat and stared in to the abyss and wished it all away but they have been few and far between. 

I've been dealing with my problems a lot better. Instead of ignoring the crap and hoping it goes away I have been looking for meaningful solutions or in the case of many things, just solving the problem. I even got my car fixed (with a little help from big sis).

When I talk of sad things I mean the things that were sent to try us. I do not mean depression. Depression is an illness that requires medical treatment. Sadness is the feeling you get when you come home and realise the dogs have eaten yet another pair of beautiful shoes. 

Eckhart Tolle said, and I paraphrase, if you don't like something accept it, change it or leave. I thought about this for a long time over the weekend. Changing certain things is not an option so I am choosing to accept them. 

Hurt feelings, upset, anger are just moments in time, phenomenons if you will. Accept that they happened and move on. I can't change the past, I cannot change them moments. But I can decide not to dwell. 

Well what about leaving? If staying in a situation will cause me to keep having these moments of sadness then I will leave. It is almost inevitable that things will be better, things will change of their own accord. Change is the only constant in this life but change is in the past once it's happened. 

I am happy now. In the moment. In the now. With friends who love me. With people who care. 

I'm not cured. I am clinically depressed. I will sometimes walk in to work shaking and close to tears because facing the day has been an almost insurmountable challenge. But I will have made the decision to accept that feeling, leave the house and try and change my outlook. 

That's all I can do. 

The business of misery

Sometimes you can be consumed by your own grief, your own sadness, your own woes. You don't notice life that is going on right in front of your face. You don't see the opportunities pass you by. 

It's like; nothing is more important than your own misery. 

For the past 2 weeks I've been this person. Wallowing in a low that I should have known I was letting myself in for. 

They say it comes in threes. I don't really believe that. It's just all merely coincidental. I think I can count at least five things that have been sent to try me. It's been a shit fortnight. 

Yesterday I took the puppies and we went out to get lost in the woods and the fields. It's so quiet out there. Away from the noise of traffic and TVs. Away from Facebook and 4g. Just me strolling along and the pups running around so much that they probably cover six times the distance I do. 

Whilst out there I did a bit of reading of the stuff I written before. One thing stuck out "I'm the happiest depressed person you could ever meet". So I listed my problems. 

Don't worry I won't bore you with them all.

I didn't get solutions per se. But I did face the facts:

I've always been skint, I'll always be skint no point in worrying about that.

My car always breaks down. Regardless of whether it was tampered with or not, it was due another couple of hundred quid shamelessly thrown at it. 

I was a prick when I was a teenager, it's only fair that the kid acts the same sometimes.

I shouldn't be sad that I'm not enough for him. I should be grateful for the happiness I had, however shortlived.

I think the thing that finally kicked me out of this funk was the hope, in some little way, I inspired someone to do something fucking awesome this week. 

#cravatcrew #humansforever

So no more misery. No more sad. The happiest depressed person you could meet. After all, I am the funny one. What would you all do without me... 

All or nothing

I had to do something last Thursday. Something that has been playing on my mind ever since. 

If I hadn't have done it I know I would be so much more broken right now. 

I had been talking to him for a few days, we were being amicable. It was fun to be able to speak to him again. I missed laughing with him over silly things other people probably wouldn't get. 

But something happened. He made a pinky promise to me. Over something really silly. He had done this before. We had done this before. I meant my promise. I hope he had. But he didn't keep it. 

It bothered me. I kept thinking on it. I told him I love him. He said he loved me too. But he also said it changes nothing. 

My heart sank so low as I knew right there I had lost faith in this man whom only a few days before I thought was perfect. 

I tried to carry on with the jovial chats but I couldn't. I knew I would go on hoping for things to change to go back to the time when I could just sit there in his house just me and him and be happy in what I thought was our own little world. 

Without that confidence and trust in his promises it was now futile to hope.

So I said it. "All or nothing". He said he want to be friends. The man I love and who said he loved me too wants to be friends. 

We haven't spoke since. I miss him dearly. But in a quiet little corner of my mind I know I have said what I needed to say, I want it all with him. And I have done what I needed to do, backing away from that sense of endless longing and loss of control. 

I feel different now though. That feeling of being honest with my emotions has gone. I no longer want to put myself in the position where this could potentially happen again. I think the hopeless romantic in me would rather keep my heart and soul introverted. But it seems, it is easier that way. 

Feeling like soggy bread

If I have learnt anything from the past two and a half years of writing here it's that life is too short to not say the things that are important to you.

I think they have all been said now. While I am quite cut up about the boy stomping quite considerably on me, I have come to terms with it. Ok, not quite cut up, abso-chuffing-lutely gutted.  I've said my piece, got my feels and motions out. I did the crying, I asked him to reconsider and I hoped for the best. I love him and my heart is broken, it will be for a while.

I've tried to have a different outlook on things this week. It has been an adjustment not talking to him everyday. I've missed that a lot. However, I have not just been laying face down on the sofa crying and dribbling in to the cushions.

I know I was doing fine on my own, hanging out with the kid, playing in the fields with the puppies. He added to that, he was my happiness on the end of the phone or my place to escape to. I just don't think all I had to offer was enough for him to feel the same. It is not my place to change his mind on these things. I will, in time, support his decision.

I've become a pro at break ups now. They happen all the time. If you want some advice on being dumped our how to be a pro at cutting people out do ask. One bit of advice to those that are the dumpee and not the dumper; you can only lose what you cling to. Don't prolong the pain by trying to cling to someone who doesn't want you. 

While I know I will feel like soggy bread for a while, and I know he made daily life better, I also feel at peace to know I can go back to where I was before. And where I was before is perfectly acceptable.

I wish I hadn't

No sooner than I work up the guts to admit I have found this beautiful happy place in the world it gets taken away from me. 

When I find someone I connect with. That I can laugh with. Be that a friend or more, I feel relief. It's rare I find that and more significant that I want to tell someone they are perfect. 

I admit I am not easy to get along with. I'm hugely sarcastic. I'm obsessive about the use of the English language. I like ridiculous clothes, cartoons and things in general. 

I feel I am a lonely soul. I don't want to give too much away because my pessimistic mind feels it will end in failure. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself get wrapped up in potential happiness in the future. The moment was enough. I feel guilt that I wanted more.

Now, according to brainmeasures.com I only have a 69% of getting married. Not that I am obsessed with marriage. I think I would look utterly ridiculous in a wedding dress. But that is a shit percentage. 

Keeping up the miserable facts. If I want to have a another kid my chances decline after 35 and I am more likely to have complications in pregnancy. Not that I have considered another kid. 

It's sad to think that maybe in another 5 years I will be still sat here on my bed writing stories about how once again I have been unlucky in love.

I gave up fighting long ago. These decisions are not mine to change. Not that I don't want to fight for this. I do. Every piece of me wants to beg for him to reconsider. But I can't let myself in for more hurt. 

A lot can happen in four hours. Unfortunately for me the past four hours have left me heart broken. 

A 2011 study demonstrated that the same regions of the brain that become active in response to painful sensory experiences are activated during intense experiences of rejection or loss. 

I feel that pain. I can honestly say that I never expected it and I know I never want to feel it again. 

My heart on my sleeve

Since formally being diagnosed with a mental illness in January 2012 I have taken many steps to keep my mind coherent, to avoid the day dreams and nightmares of self loathing and thoughts of failure. 

I felt like I reached a plateau with this like it couldn't get better or worse. Like it just is what it is now. 

My medication is at the lowest it's ever been. Subsequently my waistline had expanded, but swings and roundabouts hey. 

But something has changed that. My mind feels foggy. I keep questioning my self, my work, my decisions. I've gone from being wary to mistrustful. 

"I used to care what people thought

But now I care more

Man nobody out here's got it figured out

So therefore, I've lost all hope of a happy ending

Depending on whether or not it's worth it

So insecure, no one's perfect" - childish gambino 

It's such a sad feeling, being on guard. It's not how I like to interact. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve. To be brutally honest whether good or bad. 

Right now I just want to get in to bed and not face anyone. It's been a struggle for a few weeks now to put on a shiny happy face.

There have been happy moments. Moments hidden away from the world in a place where no one knows me. I've been wishing they could be longer but real life takes over and I have to return to normality. 

I truly wish that I had a mind that could be occupied by only thoughts of the fun times and the positives. Or even a healthy balance of the good or bad. That i could feel more like I feel when I am hidden away. 

I don't want sympathy. I could have things so much worse. But I do want those people closest to me to know that I'm not hiding away from them. I'm hiding away from me.